The Secret Life of Bananas & Other Fruitful Tales

The Question of Manhunt

2008-09-01T18:53:00.004-05:00

a few weeks ago, i happened to read an article in Out magazine about the online "hook-up" site that has somehow permeated contemporary amercian gay-culture ... if you don't instantly know what i am talking about you must either be NOT gay or living under a rock. what but no other than manhunt.net is what i am referring to. being no manhunt "novice" myself, my interest was immediately piqued by this article which in short argued that manhunt was systematically "destroying" "gay culture" ... through a self-inflicted methodology of de-humanizing gays inside out, through the ways that gay men see each other as sex objects and/or as simply other gay men. by becoming a veritable "EBAY" of gay sex and gay "looking for sex"... the article argues ... manhunt has made it easier and easier for gay men to objectify each other into nothing more than a list of "stats" : height, weight, race, dick size, sexual position, interests, etc, etc.

now to me, this is one of those questions, that sort of answers itself ... i mean ... manhunt is a sex site ... a site that clearly and relatively honestly from the get-go comes across as a virtual meeting place for men who want to meet each other for relatively "no strings attached" sex. now to argue that it is "dehumanizing" gays amongst themselves ... well come on, its a rhetorical statement isn't it? i mean, NSA sex to me is nothing if not "de-humanizing" by its very nature. this is not to say that people are necessary always mean, malicious, manipulative or discorteous (or otherwise de-humanizing) in the process of nsa sex (although many are) ... but the way this article frames manhunt ... it almost seems to suggest that manhunt "should" have been something more than just a hugely popular online sex site ... because of it very attractability (which is based on NSA ...ergo de-humanizing .... sex mind you) ... it could have been a medium for a real gay "social" connection ... a bringing together of our "gay" brothers ... an understanding and motivation beyond our carnal lust for each other .... to a higher level of social conscientiousness .... blah blah blah ... very ala mid 80's gay social reactionary stance to the then fresh AIDS epidemic. unfortunately, most gays who log on simply ... as the logo of the site on teh front page declares ... "sign on ... get off".

so boohoo .... manhunt is legitimizing the meat market mentality of gays and ng manhunting into a "re-closeted" activity. yes, gays may be out and open, but our dirty sex lives are still kept behind closed doors and firewalls apparently .... thanks to manhunt! well... hello ... its sex! it should be behind closed doors ... honestly .... your raunchiness and sexual proclivities is not tea time conversation. so go manhunt all you want ... but remember, there is "real" life in the sense of the way one acts just to interact with the rest of the world (which, if you'ev forgotten is actually straight) ... and there is "another" life ... that should be in a sense somewhat more ... discreet. completely as legitimate as the "real" life mind you ... but hey ... staright people get sent to jail if they fucking on the streets ... and oh my god ... a lot more gay people seem to get away with public sex than straights! (we kind of have it lucky!)

the real kernal of value though in this article's view on manhunt in my opinion, is the nuanced discussion of how gays even amongst themselves don't seem to discuss manhunt or manhunting ... as if online hook-ups were still taboo in someways. get with the program people ... a poll in 1990 revealed that 2% of gay "first" experiences were thanks to the internet, 10 years later, the same pole revealed that 78% of gay "first' experiences were thanks to the internet. for better or for worse ... internet dating .. internet fucking ... IS ... a way of life. so what's with all the hush hush?

because we don't want to look like whores. we play with whore jokes all the time, but you know those are jokes about other people or even if as half serious jabs at ourselves, are aimed to keep a levity of general mood and not an entree into a serious introspection into our sex lives. we like to think of ourselves as lucky enough to run into wonderful people in our various stops in our social circuits ... the hollywood inflected bumping into each other at the super market or coffee shop, etc... which leads to instant attraction, a spark ...a chemistry ... that leads to the classic 3 dates before sex, that leads to a real "relationship". well ... i think that does happen still ... but i would argue, a similar, multi-setp, equally as valuable process is also evolving through manhunt ... despite the volleys against it as a dehumanizing EBAY of dicks, asses, biceps, and other delicious male body parts.

what i think people forget is that NSA sex is part of the quest for ... something more .... and i would think has always been. i think there is the impression that in the past it seemed like people didn't have to try so hard to find "the one" ...because there just weren't that many ways to find "the one" ... ergo, a smaller selection set. if technology and just general advancement of civilization has had any "detrimental" effect on our mating habits , it may be just that it has made it that much more easy to find something ... but that much harder to find the "one" thing that we actually want. so, in this day and age we have to laboriously sift the ever growing end of season bargain bin, to find the slightly scuffed but otherwise immaculate Prada bag that "we've always been looking" for. on such a sift though, we of course had to feel up tons of other bags ... but hey ... nothing worthwile is easy right?

manhunt. net is a tool ... sure a tool that can be used just for nsa sex (and there's nothing wrong with that either) ... and it can be a tool to find "love". it is a veritable swiss army life of gay sex and love. the possibly de-humanizing aspect of the site ... to be simplistic about it ... are the users. in real life or virtual life, there will always be "players" who have programmed themselves to see other gay men as "conquests" and not as real people who have feelings and dreams ... manhunt makes their lives somewhat easier ... so maybe that service to the slime of the earth is not one of the website's moral selling points. but also in real life and virtual life, there will be the "good boys" who have although grown up with the internet cable stuck into your butts and have probably experienced the whole spectrum of gay sex via the internet (lots of NSA fucking!)... still ... deep inside ... yearn for "love" or some new fangled approximation of it (thats another musing all-together). manhunt is just a too ... a tool as sharp, as dull, as exacting, as indiscriminate ... as its user.

on that note, i'd like to mention that i have been lucky enough to have a found a man that i have consistently (and singly) dated for now almost a month now. not really near "boyfriend" territory yet ... but well, its in a territory i haven't seen in quite a while. and i have manhunt to thank.

manhunt may be destroying gay culture, but it may also be helping me find the man of my dreams. i'm gonna be selfish ...

Queer Eye for the Gay Guy

2008-08-03T22:11:00.004-05:00

Since it seems OK for me to now post blogs that are almost a month old, i guess i will writ e a little bit about my relatively recent trip to NYC to visit robert. the purpose of this trip was hatched one drunken night during my gaycation in key west, robert having informed that he was finally moving out of that shoebox he was living in in the upper east side. now, robert would be a denizen of the more colorful neighborhood of SpaHa ... or Spanish Harlem. i'll give him definite props for moving to a more characteristic neighborhood for sure. so in the month between the end of gaycation and the actual new york trip to queer eye a fag, robert and i exchange quite a number of phone conversation and emails working out various details of how to decorate his new place.

i took it as a real "job"... one of my sort of freelance interior design efforts ... and overall, it was fun. i think we both walked away from it a little frayed at the edges, but it was fun nonetheless to see a good friend and to share in this momentous in his life ... that is finally getting a "more" grown-up place.

eventhough i had seen pictures of the place before going, walking into robert's new place still was an eye-opener. the neighborhood was definitely more colorful, having a "walk-thru" mcdonald's on the same street and colorful latin american street food vendors everywhere (that robert refuses to patronize ... haha). however the signs of gentrification are obvious ... a very nearby shee shee bistro where you can get a great lamb shank! anyways, inside robert's apartment ... my first impression was ... hmm, good bones ... this place has potential ... but in its nakedness and slight delapidation i was thinking ... hmmm... color ... we need color.

i think one of the tense points during my visit with robert to help him with his place, was my constant insistance on color and using lots of it. i think in the end we came to various compromises. for instance i would have loved to see every room painted ... but realistically i don't think we had the time, and we also went back and forth on some color choices. ultimately i think we were both satisfied ... robert did love the light blue in his bedroom and the tan we painted in his study/ guest bedroom he fell in love with. we had a slight tiff on the color of the dining room, but it was mostly egged on by robert's growing reluctance under stress meets my growing impatience when under stress ... i wanted some thing to be done, robert wanted to widdle waddle. but we got a color up there ... personally not the most dramatic i would say for a dining room ... but still nice ... sort of builder's beige ... you can't go wrong can you?

other than painting, one whole day of our time was spent at IKEA. robert dropped $1000 on various knick knacks. funny, in the end, you think, god ... that was $1000, what did we spend it on! our big ticket items were mostly the guest loft bed frame (that I put together) a wardrobe (that i put together) and in addition to that various IKEA shelves and two fabulous lamps, some basic end tables ... and a swanky mirror (that in the last 10 minutes before my taxi came, we tried to hang ... but to no avail ... i hope robert has some friends who are a bit braver in DIY than he is!). seriously ... where did all that money go? it would have been nice to get a dining table, chairs, cupboards, and a dresser ... part of the "plan"... but i understand budgetary constraints ... so c'est la vie ... till the next paycheck.

like mentioned before, a big chunk of our time was spent putting the IKEA furniture together and of course, going to the holiest of DIY places ... the Home Depot ... New York style ... in a high rise building ... no lumbar department mind you but still a good selection of various things any urbane DIY'er would be expected to undertake ... i.e... no heavy construction or installation. I think the most showy piece of work at the end of the three day endeavor ... were the new light fixtures i am SO GLAF I convinced robert to get .... they are SO MUCH an improvement from the well .... crap that emited light before. robert called them antiquish and historically interesting ... they were typical crack hotel lights .... haha. i can only cross my fingers and toes that he will jump on the ball and actually order that special order chandelier we identified at home depot ... because seriously ... THAT makes the dining room!

i did do a tad of carpentry surprisingly ... installing a chair rail to robert's dining room wall. i knew the jig saw i brought would be handy! so basically that was about it ... a full day of shopping, lots of painting, lots of putting IKEA funriture together, installing new lights (robert did one actually ... wooo wooo!), and just in general setting up a new furniture arrangement (please do not bring in that ridiculously over-sized cofee table back into the living room robert!), and in the last hour going to see some new curtains for the bedroom (at the store he was reluctant, a day later, he told me he went back and got them ... uh... i told you so ... trust the professional! haha) ... that rounded out an actually busy visit to my friend.

now we did do some "fun" stuff of course. robert was an excellent host paying basically for everything during my stay so props for him for that. but on the same note, thats why i felt the need to be so pyscho insistent on getting stuff done. at times it was like dragging around a kid, but thats to be expected i guess. all in all it was fun and we were able to have a relaxing dinner, and also a night visiting jay and hunter's new place in w-burg ... which is ultra new and ergo ultra conventionally "new york" style noveau riche. whatever ... it was a nice place ... lacking in any crusty old character and individuality but still nice and shiny ... to each his own. we went to this trendy w-burg gay bar where the crwod made me feel old and fat ... but that is williamsburg for you where male anorexia is chic and 25 is geriatric.

i wonder what his place looks like now, almost a month after my weekend warrior style make-over? at the very least i hope the furniture hasn't broken or the wall shelves i installed fallen down ... and maybe with any luck ... there is a sparkly new chandelier in the dining room ... all that's missing is a table and some chairs. haha.

Farewell Good Friends

2008-07-14T23:10:00.004-05:00

another post that is slightly old. well, basically, kahl and andy have left our little circle of friends, now for about a week, and i have to admit, i keep myself busy so i don't have to "deal". hmmmm ... i was in nyc this past weekend (which i will blog about) and i spoke to my friend robert about how losing really good friends especially those that helped you acclimate to a relatively strange place, making it feel more like "home" ... how losing those friends, is kind of like a break-up from a romantic relationship. there is not the same, but a similar sense of just ... emptiness ... or, more in this case ... what am i going to do now ... and small musing about running away from the whole thing and re-casting your life anew, you yourself picking up and going.

i dunno, i am not going to go into a long bout regarding kahl and andy. i think i have done enough of that in the preceeding entries. our last night all together though i thought was appropriately done via the independence day celebration i threw this year at my house (and funny enough, i think that was the first house party of mine that both of them came to ...exactly one year before). it was a long day, and even longer two days in preparation for it ... but so many times over the course of that party, i saw all my friends, laughing, eating, and having a good time, that it made me feel so good ... in the midst of something really great. and as the evening came to a close, it made me feel well, in moments where i know a feeling of loss could pervade me, i think my habit is to hide my emotions and to just shut down ... so i don't have to deal. so despite the fact that kahl appropriately hugged me for what felt like an intermittable amount of time, i just couldn't let my reserve go. i dunno, guess i just don't like to share my negative emotions with people.

there absense ... its something that i will just have to get use to. but forever the optimist, i look forward to mpre good times, strengthening the friendships i still have with me, and hoping that such friends as kahl and andy have been, will again stroll across my path in life. till then.

Another Place, Another Time

2008-07-14T22:30:00.003-05:00

this is actually suppose to be an old post in the sense that i wanted to write about it when it happened, but of course, like many things in my life, never got to it. so now, it's about a month or so old. anyways, i just wanted to mention meeting an interesting man. i may have mentioned this before, but one or twice a year, i usually meet a man that intrigues me particularly in some way beyond the usual caliber of men i meet, if indeed i am meeting any man at all. when this does happen, i am usually astounded by how well the man i meet pulls off the overly exacting "checklist" i have when it comes to a man's desireability ... a checklist that may be crippling any possibility of meeting a "real" man i have come to realize. the last man i ran into that sort of "blew me away" was a pretty random situation, having spent only a few hours with him, but still feeling like he was "perfect". yes, i know ... putting a man on a pedestal.

that is why i think the most recent such man i have met stands out in some regards. he's not mind blowingly handsome, nor does he comes off as scintillatingly cosmopolitan or ivy league well-read. but what he does exude is simply a kindness and "fun-ness" that i think i haven't seen in a while in guys. in again the short time that we spent together, i like to say that there was a bubbling chemistry between us ... yes, an instant attraction, a good feeling, but one a little more subtle than the falling head over heels type that i often fall prey to. no, this chemistry was slower, and in some ways, kind of sexy because of that. we met, we went out ... on an actual date of sorts... that is dinner and great conversation, we walked around town, he showed me interesting spots in the city, he really tried to entertain me and show me something new. we kept talking , conversation relatively moving easily from one to the other. i spoke about things i cared about, he spoke about things he cared about. and actually, i might dare say that even being a first date, we both made statements that actually, really made the other person stop for a moment ... and think. like really think and deal with emotions and intellectualism at the same time. definitely not usual first date territory.

in short, i had a great time going out with this guy, and when i asked if he wanted to "come home" with me, i have to be honest i didn't know how to take his reply that he thought he should probably go back home and get to bed ... but ... BUT ... that he wanted to see me for lunch the next day. what? haha. i guess if you're reading this you have to realize first that i met this man while traveling outside of houston, specifically about four hours drive, where i went to take a short weekend study course at a university, staying only one night in a local motel. this "date" in all honesty (to me at first) really was more of a pretense for a hookup (actually, i had a feeling it would be a "date" too, and i was cool with that ... i was just suprised when the date didn't get "consumated") ... so when he refused my offer to spend the night but suggested seeing each other again ... so soon ... it threw me off ... wondering ... wait, you realize i don't live here right? and that i'm only staying this evening?

i don't think it was a bit after, finally back in houston, that i realized, that actually i may have saw the situation in too crass of a light. because in my mind, it started off already as a hookup, or at most a hookup "date" ... i guess my confusion arose when neither of those options presented themselves. i short changed the possibilities basically. and in a way, it gets me thinking ... am i a little jaded now of dating, after a few pretty bad ones, or at the best dismal or unpromising ones? maybe. jaded to the point that even when a date is good ... and because it is good ... in a real sense ... a feeling of restraint "should" be exercised ... that kind of date , becomes so alien?

i go around saying, oh my god, why are my dates so bad? and why do guys just want one thing and even if they do, apparently don't try very hard to at least give some credible semblance of a real "date"? i ask often ... what has happened to real "dating"? i think in some ways this sitaution illuminates the fact that "real dating" is indeed in the eye of the beholder. if you are open to it, you easily recognize it, and you see the beauty that it is naturally.

sigh, but if i let myself see the beautiful fact that here i went out with a man that makes me smiles and makes me laugh and that i'm attracted to ... and here's the kicker ... everything vice versa too! on one hand, it makes me joyous that yeah... there are good guys out there who are funny, and cute, honest, smart, and straight - forward. yeah on that hand, everything is happy go lucky and i would tell myself, finally ... second , third date material! but of course, my life has a beautiful in itself knack of being ironic. of course ... a man i would love to date... lives four hours away from me, and i would never have met him, but of only the whim to take a weekend study course in some random city not very close to houston.

but i did meet him, and we spent a very fun, and inspiring evening together. and i guess that's ok for now. maybe there will be more ... in another place and another time.

My Sex and My City

2008-06-11T18:45:00.007-05:00

last weekend my houston peeps and i went to watch the long awaited premiere of the movie Sex and the City, the movie version continuation of a beloved (by women and their gay friends, or gay men and their straight female friends more like it!) tv series. for the event, in classic alex style, i felt the need to go out on this special occasion with a little more ... hmm... pizzazz? so of course, i dressed up in drag .... in something of a simulation of "asian carrie". according to silly personality tests, i align most with carrie's personality, out of the fabulous four archetypes from the series. the get-up was well... worth getting up and taking a second look. suffice it to say i survived the night without any thrown beer bottles, a few compliments from strangers, plenty of weirded out looks, and only three blisters from the four inch heels i was wearing. fabulous! the movie itself was quite entertaining i thought ... a probably medicore film that simply because it came from a series so LOVED, it turned out to be a stupendous movie.
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my life has been a bit of sex and the city this past month or two i have to say. and what do i mean by that ... well, basically ... lots of sex and lots of attempts at finding a little more za za zoom in life .. the real, maybe lasting kind. a few posts ago, i said that it appeared i was "getting back into the game" ... going on a small handful of dates and looking forward to potentially some more. at this moment that i am writing this, unfortunately i have to report that there has been little real za za zoom, but a lot of sex ... so, maybe that is worth something? getting back into dating has been overall fun ... there has been actually some fun dates and maybe some not so great dates. there has been a little bit of thinking about what i want, but to be honest, i'm running a little bit on instinct right now ... very carrie bradshaw as she lunges into situation after situation that a thinking person might avoid ... because she "feels" her way into things. and we know how feelings often get you into trouble ... but hopefully trouble that teaches a thing or two.

so who, where, what, when, is this string of guys that i have gone out with this past few weeks? well, there were three or so that i mentioned before ... two that were a bit younger than me (that has been one interesting development of this dating season ... that is dating YOUNGER guys) ... one who panned out to be pretty much a flake and the other one ... a promising candidate. let's call promising candidate "apple guy" ... because well, he works for apple. haha (no i am not dating him just to get a discount!). anyways, he's 25 but we've had two dates so far and each has been filled with a good amount of talking; he's articulate, which i've discovered is a necessity for me, handsome, reasonably smart, and there is a bit... a bit.. of that all elusive "chemistry" with him. we're suppose to go out again, but he travels as much as i do, so we haven't been able to make it ... hmmm... i dunno.

i had also mentioned a guy that i thought was gorgeous ... he's blond (which is strange since i don't usually go out with blonds)... sky blue eyes. just very cute ... and he's NOT in his 20's. sounds like a winner huh? well, we went on a date, i shelled out TONS of money, and we went back to his place and did the nasty ... hmm, twice. haha! it was "fun" and all but to be honest, strangely again ... here is a cute guy who you can have "OK" conversation with, but for some reason ... its just a bada bing bada boom ... not so much the za za zoom. well ... at least we did it twice ... making up for the money i shelled out for this dude ... i insisted though so its not like i feel really bitter about it or anything. this guy is one of those i'll put in the back pocket to screw around with ... and, maybe because i get the feeling he has the same attitude, maybe that is where the lack of "chemistry" stems from.

post gaycation, i've gone out with maybe 3 more guys ... well, to be honest, one guy was just a plain hookup... so ok, two guys. one guy i have been chatting with on and off since last year but because i wasn't really into dating for a while, kind of blew him off continously . anyways, i finally went out with the dude ... and from the GET GO ... like when he got into the car ... it was a mediocre experience. i wonder sometimes if it would be REALLY rude if you just expressed your first impression and asked your date if you "really" wanted to give it a go or not. i mean, through the whole date, conversation felt forced and there just wasn't any real connection. maybe i was just preoccupied from having a shitty day at work that day but i mean, i just couldn't get into this guy. i mean, i even "needed" a drink to feel more into it haha. and i hate to say this .. i actually started flirting with the waiter ... sooo bad. but again, i think the feeling was mutual, hence my question of if it would be rude to just nip it in the bud. would carrie have done that?

in contrast, the other date i went on (now on the other side of the age spectrum at 40) was stupendous! i LOVED talking with this guy! he was funny, animated, all around conversant! he was "OK" looking ... a bit different than his picture would suggest .. but not bad for a 40 year old. anyways... the conversation was great ...we had beers then dinner and then came the time to say goodbye. i'm really bad at feeling out the situation in things like this so i tend to just let the other guy lead (well... i mean if i feel like i want to jet i make it obvious, but its usually when i like or kind of like the other guy for whatever reason, that i let him take the lead). to be honest, i think i would have gone home with him if he asked ... to make out you know, nothing really serious. but he was "gentlemanly" i dunno, and said goodnight, we had a short peck on the lips and went our own ways. not sure how to access the "success" of the date ... he gave me a text the usual three days later that said he had a good time but in general was vague and didn't suggest a second meet ... i replied with an equally vague text. i mean, he'd probably be no more than a friend i think ... there was a conversing "connection" but not one where i'd really want to throw him down and do him. which makes me wonder what then if the beautiful blond boy was just a physical connection?... he did have a sweet ass it turned out though ... haha!

so there you have it ... a little sex and the city drama. you might be wondering ... god alex... just how many dates have you gone out on in the relatively past few weeks? well, i've always told people that my sex life (and my dating life) is often like rains in india ... drought... and then monsoon. and well... it's raining men here in houston.

but any good sex and the city fan will know, that "sex" is really not at the core of what the show is about. it's about friendship. no not the fuck buddy situation friendship ... the real kind, the relationship between your peeps where you stand up for each other and support each other when you're down and depsite being potentially separated by vast distances, still believe that you are hearts beating very close to each other.

in contrast to all the "sex" or lack of going on in my life, one thing has proven very consistent ... and that is my great friends. unfortunately, two of the best have decided that their stay in houston is coming to a close ... and god, there choice of new residence... i DO NOT UNDERSTAND. so kahl and andy are moving to saudi arabia.. well, technically they will be living in Bahrain and andy will commute into Saudi to work for Saudi Aramco. anyways... we have known for a "little" while that this was in the works, but when they dropped the bomb that they would be leaving at the begginning of July ... not even through the summer... that hit a little hard. i confessed something to kahl the other day and told him that i realized that maybe part of the reason i had so inactively tried to date... despite being probably well over ron by then ... was probably due to the fact that i was having so much fun with my friends, and felt such connection to some of them, kahl, andy, hector (the core) that having man to myself... really wasn't necessary. i mean i probably complained about being single, actually kind of bi-polarly if you look through previous post, but i think inside ... i really didn't feel the "need" to find "someone".

it makes you think if my enthusiasm for dating of late is nothing more than something of a prescriptive maneuver subconsciously ... since i know that my social life will be significantly altered sans andy and kahl, that i'm searching for ...well... basically ... a replacement. maybe there is some validity to that... who knows.

i do know that i feel like i will miss them horribly though. when i get into the mood of looking at strange coincidences in my life, i see things like how i was introduced to kahl and andy while my relationship with esau was going to shit, a few months after i broke up with ron, and now... almost strangely a full year after i became acquainted with them, they are leaving. maybe they were in my life for some purpose because for a long time i have to be honest, i haven't had friends that i wanted to do so much "for"... you know? i loved how they returned just as much warmness and hospitality and just friendliness as i felt i dished out. it was just great all around. and another thing was how the two contrasted each other so much yet in some strange way youc ould also easily see them as just one entity. despite having its ups and down, i think their relationship is one to envy or if not envy, take note of ... here was a gay couple that at least to me contrasted to all the other couples where you knew of less than hmmm.... traditional... things going on.

i guess out of my relationship with ron, i had some serious doubts about how love worked ... maybe... if anything, knowing kahl and andy gave me a little glimpse of that. its just a shame they are leaving is all. they have been really good friends. this upcoming week, the whole "group" is having a going away dinner for them... and not to sound sappy, i actually want to "say a few words" or what not ... ala psuedo wedding reception almost. i think sometimes friends don't actually say out loud enough times how much the relationship means to them. it would be nice to say it at least once with these two.

but yes, like the girls who became women on sex and the city, their lives have taken them in various directions, one of them not even physically on the same side of the country anymore, but their hearts are always in the same place ... no, not new york city per se ... but in some strange ether that binds the hearts of friends together.

i remember a silly saying i put on my senior page in high school ... another time in my life where i made some friends i feel i will keep a lifetime ...

The act of friendship is where another person gives you a piece of his or her heart to fill up the hole left from gim him or her a piece of yours. We shall not be alone. We shall not be afraid.

Hot Tranny Mess : Gaycation 4.0

2008-05-26T15:16:00.005-05:00

even though i haven’t been watching the latest season of bravo’s project runway where the phrase “hot tranny mess” apparently is accumulating great cache, my small knowledge of the workings of reality tv would suggest to me that the phrase “hot tranny mess” would not have half its cache unless it was uttered by certain person … in this case, a flamboyant young designer named Christian. Christian in a sense has become a "realty tv character" and being such embodies or typifies the whole cast of "characters" that were hodge-podged together into a “hot tranny mess” , aka my vacation to south beach and key west with two very good friends, who in a small attempt at protecting the not so innocent, i shall come up with pseudonyms for. so without furthere ado … the following is an account of the adventures of alex, carl, and eric. carl and eric decidedly will know who they are after reading the decidedly delicious recounting of a week of debauchery.
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pre-op tranny : the days leading up my vacation were characterized by a whole slough of weird occurrences. on the work front, it was somewhat bi-polar. since i left in the middle of the work week, i didn’t have the end of week rush but of course with my luck was still hit by an emergency that reared its head on tuesday at 4:00 pm (tuesday was my last work day that week mind you)… unfortunately, on the same day i also had a billion and one things to do, such as delivering my dog back and forth from the vet, dealing with a pest removal guy (i have raccoons in my house!), driving to Chinatown for lunch because i needed to do some personal paperwork with my accountant at the same time, having dinner with hector, packing for my trip, doing laundry for the trip before packing of course, and baking a freaking cake, etc etc ad infinatum. ok… so yeah the day before leaving for key west was a certifiable fucking hot tranny mess! i eventually got to bed at around 4 AM just to have to wake up 3 hours later to get to the airport … so undoubtedly the flight to Miami was pretty much a snoozer ... and thank god for that (also thank god that there were no delays or weirdness in flying as there often is with my luck).
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however, before i jump right into tranny operating, i will have to give an update to the slight change of lifestyle i was alluding to in the last blog entry. previously, i had mentioned three guys that i have sort of been “dealing with”… a clingy 21 year old, a refreshingly normal 25 year old, and a disastrously beautiful 32 year old. so i’ve gone out on two dates with the 25 year old and i have to say, there is a smidgen of connection, a decent chemistry on both a physical and personality level. i'm not sure if its exactly reciprocated though ... one of those, i dunno how he feels situations. its more than can be said for the 21 year old though, who unfortunately, i have to admit was “only” a decent lay … other than that, i really have no inclination to be around him. i’m such a louse of a man … but hey, i am a man right? anyways… 21 years old i realized really is a bit too young ... personality wise that is. furthermore, a recent occurrence has made me question even more if i’d really want to deal with the 21 year old further, but i’ll let you know about that in good time. i think i’d be up for another date with the 25 year old soon enough … but thats sort of complicated so we’ll see. and finally, even though i sort of lost track of the beautiful … and i mean beautiful ... 32 year old when i went on vacation, i immediately upon coming back re-connected with him. unfortunately, i found out that he is moving out of Houston soon! but he still wants to go on a date … so hey why not … i think he is very hot! and its not like i’m attached or anything! so i've got that on the cooker, we'll see what that will produce. AND … if you aren’t tired of hearing about this yet, i’ve met yet another hot young mess, aged 24 years, who i am going out with supposedly friday … he’s friendly, southern (from Tennessee!!), cute, and quite a sweet heart … so far. (oh yeah... so it's past friday now that i'm continuing to write this blog, and the said friday date never happened ... he's a bit weird and like many guys you meet off the internet ... your bullshit meter goes off a lot .... we'll see)
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the first cut is the deepest : upon getting off of the plane in miami , and walking out of the airport for a smoke, i immediately took in the amazing sight of sunny clear skies and palms trees up the wazoo … fuck it even smelled tropical. felt like i was in a fucking “tropical scent” air freshener commercial! i thought to myself, this vacation is definitely starting off on the right foot … i mean at least the weather is agreeable. since i was on the earliest flight into Miami out of the three muskateers, i had to wait for carl for about an hour or so. he finally got in and after our hello’s and it’s been so long’s, we immediately caught a cab, and gabbed about our lives while we were driven to our hotel. we found our hotel easily enough and upon checking in, we were refreshingly impressed about how non-disastrous the room was. now, the reason being for our concern was that on the website to which we made reservations, some of the comments of previous guests were quite well … vicious. so honestly we didn’t know what to expect. but you know, it wasn’t the four seasons but then again we didn’t pay $400 a night. the room was more than adequate. after settling our things down, we had a few hours to kill before eric came to, so carl and i made our way to the streets of south beach. basically we did some light street flanerie, walked on the beach, felt the warm sand around our toes, walked to the water’s edge and dipped our feet into the waves. man, is this paradise or what? we went back to the happening ocean drive, found a quaint little bistro, and had a snack and the first alcoholic drink of many many many that would follow.
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oh and of course, immediately, we noticed boys. boys boys boys! cute cute boys and well maybe not so cute ones as well. as the vacation developed, carl, eric, and i began giving nick names of sorts to the people we met on our vacation … and believe me, we ran into a ton of colorful characters as mentioned, ones that definitely deserved nicknames. anyways, the first hot boy (guy with red shorts sexily showering) was gorgeous … classic Miami latino gorgeousness and hunkiness.. then there was a disastrously cute waiter who unfortunately wasn’t serving us (instead we got the sketchy burn victim guy.. you see what i mean about nicknames?) carl and i eventually returned to the street, walked around some more, somehow came about a cute little pedestrian street called Espanola Way and summarily plopped ourselves down and had some more drinks. at this time in the trip i still thought it might be worth having some reserve about drinking (at least during the day)… but i would realize soon enough that that was a pipe dream. after Espanola Way, it was getting close to the time eric would be coming in, so carl and i decided to head back. a little funny story happened along the way that entailed me talking about how disgusting it was that people walked barefoot on the street and then 15 minutes later, have my own flip flops completely bust and therefore be forced to go barefoot … for 10 blocks. this was also the moment i think, that i learned of the phrase “hot tranny mess”. i was for sure, a hot tranny mess sans cheapo flip flops. we got back to the hotel and summarily decided to drink some more being inspired by others on/in the “solarium” of the hotel (it was a roof deck with a jucuzzi and some tables and chairs).
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we were soon joined by eric and after some hugs and hello’s and its been a long time’s, the three of us took showers, pimped ourselves out in uber gay fashion, and then headed to a fabulous dinner. dinner was indeed fabulous i have to say … with really delicious conversation … of distinctly sexual coloring. let’s just say that we learned new things about each other that i don’t think we ever expected. i specifically remember what carl said he did in savannah … OMG! haha, the idea of TMI totally went out the window during the vacation. i mean usually, i don’t personally give it too much deference because i don’t find sex in its various permutations (amongst mutually consenting sane adults) to be shameful or weird at all, so i therefore tend to share maybe a bit to much about what i’ve done and what i think. but with this trip, i think it was strategically used to learn all the shit and nasty on my two vacation buddies … at the end of the trip, i might wager that i was the one who walked away a proverbial angel! haha.

so after a fulfilling dinner and a really strong lychee martini, we went to this bar called "halo" that eric knew of its sister incarnation in DC. halo was cute, not too packed ( i mean it was wednesday night) but there was some talent ... especially the bartender. yum. after a few drinks, we then moved to a bar/ club called "twist", which again was eric's suggestion. it was amusing seeing how eager eric was about going to some places that he had "researched". anyways... twist turned out to be well... interesting. concept wise it was kind of cool, basically seven bars strung together via sketchy little corridors. most of the bars were pretty dead except the back bar filled with hunky dancers all in black speedos. what made this bar interesting though was not only did the dancers show off their stuff on stage, apparently their rotating shifts included working the crowd, coming onto un-suspecting guys and offering "massages" or simply "lap dances" or... if they weren't getting any luck there, simply asking for "tips". man... the life of a miami dancer. sometimes it makes you wonder if being good looking is that worth it. guess it just depends on what your opportunities are. anyways, carl and i both got "hit on" in the course of the evening ... while eric seemed to be actively hitting on the dancers haha! no, actually eric did get hit on repeated ... like many many times .... by this guy we called "uranus" because apparently when asked where he was from ... answered as such. you're just asking for it then you know! so uranus guy wouldn't leave eric alone so there was the first of many amongst friends, dude... pretend to be my boyfriend ... haha! i did happen to get hit on funnily enough actually twice but as my luck is with these things ... its usually en route OUT of a bar or club that this happens. what's a boy to do?

so feeling we had just inhaled in a few STDs at twist, we decided that that was enough for our first night, we didn't want to go all the way just now of course. an amazingly delicious late night pizza snack and a shower later, our first day in paradise finally came to an end.

our second day in miami started at the decent hour of like uh... noon. we hit the beautiful BEAUTIFUL beach which was literally a 5 minute walk away, first getting a rejuvenating breakfast, looking at boys boys boys, and then finally finding a nice spot on the beach to try to get a tan. we each had varying levels of success with this endeavor i have to say. eventually i think i came away from the whole vacation with a nice glow that lasted a few days .... but then again, i'm the darkest of the three to begin with ... i'm just glad i didn't burn is all! haha. carl got a nice bronzing but being as white as he is, i think he rocked the tan ... for a day. eric is snow white as far as i am concerned, and he remained wonder bread throughout the trip ... to his chagrin. on the beach though, we definitely found some people that would have put us to shame ... but hey, they are probably natives and sit in the sun everyday! it was a beautiful beach though, and the water was so perfect!

starting to feel the "tingle" of impending skin cancer, we decided to call it quits. we each had some respective errands to run so we took our leave of each other. i had to go find a bank, which i never did, and to get flip flops, remember the hot tranny mess the day before? carl eventually joined me for that and we kind of hung around together and then met up with eric. this evening, we again got pretty ... carl let me do his hair ... and i have to tell you... he was hot with a psuedo faux hawk... yummilicious! then we mozied ourselves to a even more fabulous resturant called Tantra. it was fantatsic... kind of indian fusion hip place that carpets its foyer in REAL grass... haha... sort of smelled like a barn though. haha. anyways, it was a great GREAT meal and kind of blew the bank... but whatever, its vacation! and again, it was nice ocnversation ... slightly a little more tame bacuse we were placed in the table literally in the center of the room, either the dork table or the hot boys table, i choose to believe the latter.

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we left the restaurant and started walking towards the two bars that uranus guy's friend had mentioned to us, a place called palace and then a place called score. palace we never found, but we soon found score ... and to our chagrin, it had been seized by lesbians.... eeewwww! this became a laughable, sort of "theme" of our trip ... crazy lesbians who were intent on ruining our vacation and all gay mens' vacations for that matter! i mean ... they took over a gay bar! sulking, we plopped ourselves down at halo again, which was actually a little better than the night before and the talent majorly improved. there were so many nicknames flying around that night! the high point of my night in some way was being able to talk to one of the HOTTEST guys in the bar, whom eric and i were totally scoping, and the guy totally knew we were, and loved it. i went out for a cigarette and while smoking, someone asked me for a bum, i was like whatever, and then handing the cigarette to him, i realized it was HOT guy! haha, i chatted him up for a few and luckily enough found out where the shit was happening that night.

oh, at halo, we also met four other characters added to this hot tranny mess. a threesome we termed the DC Trio whom will eventually come in and out of our vacation drama because strangely enough they had almost the same itenrary, that is going (and leaving) Key West at the same time. they even had the same return flight as eric. anyways, carl was a gab whore and all he could do was talk to our new friends, especially one we ended up calling the scottsman (earlier in the night) and then viper chipmunk (later in the night). the dc trio composed of an entertaining, yet loud italian twink (actually they were all twinks) named enzo, who despite rubbing me the wrong way at first, turned out to be the most endearing of the three. the other two we called birdboy because well he looked like a bird... and apparently a silent bird at that, and the last we called paul newman (at first... because he looks liek paul newman). so after i found out where to go from the hot guy outside, us seven mozied over to the place ... called "buck fifteen", whatever that is suppose to imply.

it was PACKED! it felt almost like a frat party funny enough... a gay frat party that is! and like your frat brothers back in college, within five minutes of getting to the place, they leave you with strangers and go off to do the nasty. carl took his little boy toy viper chipmunk into the corner to make out ... or something. and eric became a sleezy ho and stalked the crowd, focused on a dude we met in line we termed "the rock"... because well... he looked like "the rock". so i was stuck entertaining the dc trio, which was ok at the time, because i sort of was into paul newman and was chatting him up a bit. i could tell it wasn't really going anywhere though, but whatever, the music was really good and i had a good time dancing. eventually carl came over and told me that "they" were leaving... aka him and viper chipmunk. honestly a little taken aback at first, i figured its vacation and if carl wants to go home with a viper chipmunk, that's his fun. so me and eric were left since the DC trio had decided to call it quits as well. as anyone who's gone to a gay club will know, the later it gets, the way more sketchier it gets... drugs, sex, etc. eric was being adamant about making "the rock" acknowledge his existence (albeit "the rock" already saying that he had a boyfriend... with him right there!) ... so i decided not to cock block eric and left. the walk home was a little depressing to be honest ( i mean i've had just been psuedo ditched by mud peeps) but my spirits were picked up immediately relishing on that same pizza we had the night before. i thought that i would just be hitting the sheets without much fan fare, but as i was just getting ready to go to bed, eric walks in having given up the chase as well without any game (the club became even too sketchy for him when people were passing around bumps of coke) and soon enough carl walked in, but with an interesting story that entailed potentially missing bits and pieces of himself ( the usual pieces you know ... like self respect ... haha! just kidding, i mean who goes out on the town with it anyways?? ).

open that bitch up : the next morning, we left miami without much ado except for a funny incident. after we had gotten the rental car and soon found out that the exit to the highway to key west was blocked (literally blocked) by some party ... we figured of course it must be a lesbian party since we were convinced they were out to get us! the road trip itself was relatively uneventful except for a moment where we all thought we would die from starvation : if there is one thing i know, it is when to eat to avoid hunger ... the boyz should have listened to me! we eventually relished the last snack bar that eric kept in his bag... that and gum satiated us for a bit longer, until we came upon a restaurant. anyways, the rest of the drive to key west was beautiful indeed ... it was so nice to see actually blue water again ... the gulf of mexico near houston is more brown and green. we got into key west easily enough, found our rental cottage (so cute!), and simply just hung out and rested for a while.

carl got it in his head to go for a run, and so i accompanied him. it was a great run, and it got a chance for us to show the key westians our hot sweaty bodies... haha, yeah. after the run, we met up again with eric and we got ready to go to dinner ... a cutesy mexican place where we talked about... well, guess what ... sex and boys .. big surprise. after dinner we then went on our entertaining bar crawl of sorts for the evening. the thing about key west we realized, is that the selection in bars... and in hot men... was quite quite quite limited. i mean, we kept thinking and asking ... where are the hotties, but conversely in was kind of nice ... to be.... the hotties. haha.

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it was almost comical, that with every bar we went to in search of something more entertaining than the first one we went to (Bourbon Street Pub), things got sketchier and sketchier .... it actually sort of felt like new orleans southern decadence in a way... very seedy. we actually were in this one bar for maybe two minutes and i went to look for the restroom, i came upon a curtained doorway in the back where i assumed led to the bathroom... upon entering i see one of the patrons getting blown by i guess one of the "dancers" ... great! oh excuse me. haha. we summarily left. haha.

but that wasn't the end of the festivities that evening for sure. we weventually ended up staying at bourbon street pub for the rest of the evening / morning, because despite its lameness, it was the least sketchy bar while we were sober... as the night progressed and i got more and more drunk, well, everything was fun and its a surprise i didn't end up in that curtained off area in teh other bar. again we met so many characters! right after dinner, we met the "latin princess" who we eventually found out was part of the group that was doing "naked boys singing" in key west. hey we met famous people... woooo. he was loud, but fun ... think enzo on steroids. people in general were friendly i have to say, very friendly. my cold shoulder treatment aka new york attitude, came off a bit harsh to some people apparently ... whatever, there really wasn't that many people i cared to talk to anyways. anyways, the one thing i can think of that typified that friday night in key west for me was "disappointment in men" .... go figure right? what else is there to know about gay men?

so it all started when we were going to meet up with the dc trio ... again. i personally was looking forward at giving another shot to mr. paul newman... who was so cute, so americana corn fed yumminess! anyways, i guess i set myself up for that one putting him on such a pedastal which he immediately tumbled down from once we met at the bar, and within 2 minutes of saying hello he goes off and hooks up with some seriously nasty dudes. ok, from that moment on, "paul newman" got renamed into "double dicking slutty whore boy".... haha... since he was hooking up with two (nasty!) guys. whatever, what did i see in him to begin with? but he wasn't the ONLY disappointment.... no, i also eyed a yummy "leather daddy" ... who although hot and maybe checking me out too ... decided to dance and of course danced like a girl. he was hotter just standing still. and sexy yummy "chemistry teacher" dancer turned out to be not so hot even though he liked showing his dick because he was balding .... that pretty much does it in for me, no friar tuck "halo" for me please. if any of this doesn't make sense to you, don't worry it doesn't for me as i typed this... haha. it was such a fun night.

if there was eveer a moment in my life that i drank to forget my troubles, i think it was that night. taken aback by having my perfect boy paul newman disintegrate in front of my very eyes, i honestly felt kind of shitty ... and so i drank. now i don't usually drink when i felt shitty, but it was the only thing i could think of to do that night ... so from being lightly buzzed, i was on the sharp slope of falling into drunken oblivion. my lot in life though has made me have almost impeccable memory even when completely drunk. so i remember the details of carl staying with me most of the time, while i pumped first loads and loads of self-deprecating chatter out about myself, and then, when the shit really hit the fan, just loads and loads of vomit. interspersed somewhere was stumbling to cvs for more cigarettes and then flopping like a fish out of water on the bathroom floor.

i don't think i have EVER vomited that much in one go!

despite not being the best way to end an evening of revelry, i will tell you one thing. throwing all that vile stuff up, was the only reason why the next morning ... when i luckily woke up, i felt really like a new man. i felt so good i went for a fucking run, and then cooked breakfast for the boys. i had not an ounce of cynicism about men and whory boys left in me ... it had all been thrown up out. thank god for good friends who put up with that drunk shit.

the second day in key west resembled our second day in miami ... that is... BEACH time! it was great.... we went to this beach called smather's beach where funny enough we saw the greatest concentration of hot boys we had yet to see in key west, unfortuantely they were all straight. but oh well, we were willing to settle for just eye candy nowadays. anyways, smather's was lovely, the sand was beautiful, there was palms trees for light shade, the sky was clear and it was sunny and warm, and there was refreshing ocean breeze! fucking nirvana dude. the water itself was interesting as there was a broad shelf that was covered in seaweed that if you trudged gingerly through (it was like walking in slimy quicksand) you came upon the small outcropping where you could sit in the water and it was just enough to cover your mid torso. the water was clear there and it was just so beautiful. a little moment with god so to speak.

we boys worked on our varying degrees of tan-ness for about an hour or two and when things were starting to get kind of toasty we planned the rest of our day ... go shopping for groceries for a fabulous dinner (made by me of course!) and then have dinner, chill out, and then of course hit the bars ... again! right there and then i had decided to have a drinking respite that night since i was such a alcohol whore the night before .... and to my chagrin, the boys really took that to heart and got trashed themselves since of course now that i was designated nurse / drunk person shepherd. anyways, cooking dinner was a lengthy affair ... the kitchen in the cottage was certainly not Top Chef so it took me a while to get things done with my limited resources. but it was lovely dinner i will say myself. Peanut Satay chicken with sauteed peppars on jasmine rice. Sweet potato mash. sausage and cream cheese stuffed mushrooms. butter sauteed asparagus. butternut squash soup. pretty simple, a lot of the stuff semi-packaged ... but still oh so yummy. and its nice to impress the boys too and to thank them, especially carl for putting up with my silliness the night before (but knowing they'd be making such fools of themselves later that evening, i probably didn't have to cook them dinner to thank them).

doctor, we have complications : so... after dinner, we rested for a bit and repeated the previous evening all over again. but this time, it was my turn to be sober. (not that it was really anybody's "turn" but since i was such a lush, somebody had to take responsibility). anyways ... a little quick update... in reality, it's like 2 weeks later ... so i need to wrap this bitch up.

anyways, short story of the second night in key west basically involved us going to just the one bar that was not too sketchy. we actually didn't meet the corn-cobbers that night but that was ok because their were plenty of other characters. there were so many weirdo i think its best actually to just gloss all over them except for one particular character we will simply call ... "eric, you know he's a stripper" guy. so basicly eric was enraptured by a stripper at the bar who granted was cute... but come on ... he was a stripper. anyways, to be honest i was pretty patient the first night with these shennaigans and the second night i was pretty patient as well ... hell, i even gave both carl and eric dollar bills tos tick in the nasty dancers' underwear. the thing is though, eric didn't care he was a stripper, he has this "saviour complex" ... he wants to be fucking christ and change the "bad boy" good. you know... he will admit this too ... he takes the plot of the movie "trick" and imagines it to be actually ... like... real... life.

so the boys drink and drink and drink some more. by 2 am, the sketch factor increased exponentially... and by that time, i actually had lost the taste for alcohol and actually for once stopped drinking. however, since i was the only sober one in a mile radius of the place, i got to see the national geographic show unfolding in front of me... especially the show of eric continuously trying to get the attention of the stripper... and it worked, but eric wasn't satisfied with the various nod of attention and such ... he wanted to go home with him ... and make the stripper an angel. haha. ok... so the thing is carl is getting kind of annoyed because he's drunk. we FINALLY leave the place maybe 2:30 ish i think and i swear it just went downhill from there!

both of these boys are drunk, walking in different directions at different paces, and mutually annoyed at the other. somehow i coral them into denny's... someone suggested it and i figure some food would be good. now the funny drama is that after ordering eric says he needs to go home to get his "lactase" pills... and i'm like fuck ... there is only one of me you know. luckily enough some boys we met at the aforementioned bar stopped by and i pleaded with the guy... dude, do me a favor and just watch after my friend here while i walk with my other tenacious friend back home to get his fucking milk piils. AIYAH! and while we walking home, eric constantly is telling me he is fine and to go back and look after carl... yeah... right. he also trie dto walk ferociously fast (which really wasn't) figuring he could "lose me"... you know, drunk logic. we finally get home, get the pills, walk back to denny's and lo and behold carl is surrounded not only by the boys we met in the bar but also by a couple that eric was trying to get into a threeway with ... i guess the stripper didn't pan out ... depsite eric drunk dialing him telling him he wants to fucking meet... great! haha... the rest of the meal was pretty uneventful and interesting at the same time. it's like when your no gas light comes on while you are driving on the highway... everything in general is OK except you never know when the shit is really gonna hit the fan.

post meal, we all make it back home, carl goes to the fridge and starts drinking a beer... great. and eric is trying to find various positions to get to bed ... first on the couch, then in a failed attempt to brush his teeth on the bathroom floor, and then in a failed attempt to charge his phone, on the floor next to his luggage... great! at least he wasn't moving anymore. carl had some shit to dish which actually went pretty smoothly and he took a shower and went to bed by himself easily enough ... i think in general he was more exhausted than drunk.

so yes... i returned the favor from the previous night.

clean up and close up : the last day and night in key west. time seemed to stand still strangely in key west. before i went, a co-worker mentioned a concept called "island time" ... basically that everything went so much slower. the thing is... i'm not exactly sure if it went slower ... but for some reason, after just three days in key west, i had the feeling that i had lived a lifetime almost there. it was very odd. anyways, the boys woke up without much incident the next morning, we had coffee and breakfast and the rest of the day was spent doing some actual tourist type things. we went to go see various "famous" houses in key west that overall was entertaining. we wrapped up the daytime with hanging out and watching the sunset ... which was cute. then we had a FABULOUS dinner at the place along the coast... it was very romantic, except you were with two other strictly platonic friends. the funny thing about this place was that eventhough the food was phenomenol... the service was a little weird... and again, we blamed the lesbians who apparently didn't believe people could have potato allergies and apparently were unwilling to subsitute rice for it ... and hostess whom feigned difficulty at finding your reservation when you could see it on the book yourself ... saying with some disdain ... i'll see what we can do for you. ha... great.

so dinner was full and actually i think i would have been happy to just call it a night .... but well, eric really wanted to screw the stripper so third time in a row, we went back to bourbon street pub, where this evening we encountered the corn cobbers ... i summarily (and pretty obviously) dismissed paul newman aka double dicked slutty whore. i have a gift i've realized, of overtly dismissing people ... its the queen in me... haha. anyways, this was my last night in key west and in comparison to the two before regarding eric's fascination with the stripper whore, i was pretty catty tonight. actually both me and carl became snooty charlottes (from sex and the city)... tsk tsking at eric's behavior. the highlight of my experience in that bar was that carl and i actually chatted up the bartender who shared our tsk tsking and was actually quite a doll to chat with.

it was actually sort of amusing how when i drink, i become very honest about my NEGATIVE opinions about other people... and very self-righteous as well. anyways, carl and i basically came to the conclusion that if eric wanted to go play screw the whore, that was his life, so we left the lovely bartender and us two called it a night ... at least at the bar. we continued our drinking trying to finish both beers and cigarettes back on our little vacation cottage deck being interuppted once by eric stumbling home... making me feel as if he was gonna give up... but later i found out he came home just to drop off his wallet to ensure that he wasn't going to end up paying for sex .... hmmm... great. as long as no money's exchanged, the dancer isn't a whore... just a slut. at the time all i knew was him saying it was hot and i assumed he was going inside for air conditioning ... when he left and didn't come back ... well, put two and two together.

i had a great time with carl .. i love these little gaycations and this one was a little unique in the sense that i got chance to really learn a bit more about what's going through carl's mind and life and also of course to share my own trials and tribulations. it was good. eric, i love him as much as i can for having met him only three times or so in my life... but he's a character, and he's gonna have to walk down a certain path in life, that i wish (personally)he wouldn't ... but ... its his life. and by the way, eric didn't come home until eight the next morning and depsite having bits and pieces of the evening to piece together... i actually kind of don't want to do it.

it was a little sad leaving key west. we cleaned up the house, ate a little breakfast, had coffee, and got our car ... relatively unceremoniously left the place and hopefully did not bring anything back except good memories with good friends... and some characters. the drive back was fairly ordinary except for realizing that miami's roads are completely incomprehensible and illogical. we finally found the car return place and made it to the airport. we said our goodbyes and i hoped to not have to wait another year to see them both again. my flight back to texas was uneventful thank god and that evening i tidied up my home a bit and actually took it easy as i had given myself two more days off after returning.

gaycation v4.0 ... complete hot tranny mess ... but with good friends ... everything is good.

Back in the Game

2008-05-12T16:04:00.000-05:00

OK, blog readers, buckle up buttercup, because this is gonna be a juicy entry! i’m going to kick it off right and just go to the skinny and admit to you a little secret of mine. well, its really not much of a secret, at least to friends around Houston, but i guess since the blog is read mostly by friends a bit further away … it might comes as a bit of a shock. the secret is … that basically until relatively recently, i haven’t gotten laid in “like forever”. now, i bet you’re wondering … god?! was that a secret?!! haha… well, the simple fact is that i hadn’t hooked up or even gone out on a date even since last year around Halloween or so. chalk it up to simply being busy (holidays and parties galore last “season”) or traveling (china, hong kong, and japan) or simply just not being in the mood … the past half year has been a bit of the doldrums in the bedroom.
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the funny thing is, the past few weeks, more or less since my birthday funny enough .. it has been far from the doldrums … more like a nice April shower … that brings May flowers!! haha… yeah whatever. i have always described my sex life like rains in india or some weird place like africa … it’s either “drought” or “monsoon/flood”. another way of seeing it is that in the past say 6 weeks (more like 3 weeks really), i’ve gotten laid more than i have in the past 6 months, or really in the past year actually. so yeah … i’ve been busy. mind you i am not just opening up my legs for every Tom, Dick, and Harry (haha!... all depends on your definitions i guess) but i am also trying to go on “serious” dates to get to know one another more .. at least a little before prying open legs.
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of course, with every sea change of lifestyle so to speak, i like to ruminate on number one, why the previous condition occurred, and two, why the current condition occurred or is occurring. to answer question one, i go back to the notion that it was a mix of basically being busy with “life” in general and also being not particularly interested in guys. but come on alex, not even getting some ass .. you are still a man right? yes, i am, and its not like i didn’t get horny from time to time. but i dunno, for a while, there was a notion in my head that i didn’t want to entertain hooking up just for the sole pleasure of doing so … that everything that could be physical could only be so after a mental / psychological connection … or basically, i didn’t want to sleep with anyone unless i really thought they were worthwhile dating material seriously. however, a lot of people will admit that this is often an impasse in the gay search for love of course.
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oh well, but slowly (or maybe not so slowly), i’ve sort of molted that shell and have had a much more relaxed so to speak view of sex and love of late. taking a pulse at the moment, i’d still have to admit that finding a “boyfriend”… or god, just someone that is fun to date, is the goal right now … but my attitude towards just “meeting” people for “fun” .. is like i said, much more relaxed. an interesting hybrid i have been trying out of late is basically the cross of the fast and dirty, “come over and lets fuck” hookup and the full blown “lets go on a date” hookup. this version is the “let’s meet for drinks, get some liquid courage, and then go back to my or your place” .. so technically its not a “random” hookup, but its far from the expectations of a real date where we pretend to not want to give it up so easily.
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how do i feel about that though? well, maybe that’s the best way to show my attitude towards the “game” at the moment … in short, i don’t have really any feeling about it. its sort of sense of acceptance of the “game of play” that pervades my quest for sex or love at the moment. the core thing is that there’s great fluidity … if i get the sense that a potential partner wants to play the “dating” game, rules are drawn up for that, and i go on first dates that end in nothing racier than a long hug. and if a boy is hitting me up online at 3AM wanting to come over and blow me … well, then its pretty obvious that the word “dating” is not the first thing on his mind (but of course i have also realized that real relationships (be they successful or not eventually) can evolve from plain and simply “booty calls”). the thing is … EVERYTHING is game now and i have little expectation for things.
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in some ways it sounds pessimistic … as if i was so jaded by the “game” that i’ve acquiesced to the “game” and am letting it take me for a ride because i can’t help myself. in contrary, right now, i feel in decent control of my situation, and i believe i am actually enjoying the potential polyvalent nature of the game of love and sex, sex and love, sex with love, love with sex, etc, etc. instead of pessimism, i see it as a variation of optimism and open-ness… a belief that you can “love” in many different guises and that love itself shifts masks all the time. at the core of things, there is a kernel of hope that someone out there can be mine, and only mine … there is “hope”. in contrast, the past few months probably have been more typified by a reluctance to “get out there” because i didn’t want to risk being hurt… because I didn’t feel like entertaining the notion of “possibly” being happy with another was worth the potential downside. in some ways, now i have rewrote the pathways of exchange, or the currencies of love, in the sense, that i’m trying to negate all sense of potential debt, and saying that its trade itself … an economy of love, where the denominations can indeed include kissing, touching, sucking, and fucking … that generates its own value.
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how that really works, i have no idea. i was always bad in economics, but like china dipping its proverbial toes in the waters of the free market, there’s the sense of openness and the value of simply having it … despite what may happen.
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so on the radar of late, there have been “blips” that involve a devastatingly cute 21 year old (am i kidding myself?! see how “open” i am?) that flakes out on actually meeting (of course) but seems quite happy and content to simply flirt, a handsome 25 year old Apple nerd tech junkie who is articulate and kisses well (amongst other things) and who shares a palpable love of travel and cultures like i do, and a hopefully promising 32 year old with beautiful blue eyes who i’m crossing my fingers returns my emails soon. that of course are the “dating” blips; they themselves have been floating in a sea of much less definable and loosely associated “other” blips. i’ll leave that to your imagination.
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chalk it up to the summer heat!
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All About Face

2008-05-04T23:35:00.003-05:00

hey blog reader. it's been a relatively quite week. one more and a half to go before Gaycation 4.0. woohoo... can't wait! nothing of real importance has come about this week or last i think except for finally getting snared into the phenomena of "Facebook". actually, back at Harvard i was already on Facebook, but being more of a Friendster user, i decided to just let the profile sit idol and really didn't accept any "requests" for "friends". well, that all changed in a heartbeat, and there's sort of a funny reason why actually. one really late night i was just surfing around and out of nowhere i started thinking about this guy i sort of psuedo dated back at harvard and we ended up hooking up (only once ... sigh!) anyways, a little bit after coming to houston we sort of on and off chatted online still but then for the longest time i haven't heard from him (since for the longest time i kind of took a break from being online and all). so... i was thinking ... i wonder what he's up to now. so i admit it ... i googled stalked him. didn't find much but did find an electronic business card so to speak so i know where he works... woohoo. anyways, what i really wanted though was to see something of a picture, so i immediately thought... online communities.... Facebook?

now i didn't go to Friendster because i knew from before that he had removed his profile from that service. now... you might ask... why did i need his picture so bad. people who know me well (well, now everyone who reads this) knows that i keep basically a "list" of all the guys i've hooked up with. its sort of a "book of shame" or more pragmatically, a "paper trail/contact list" if i had ever really fucked up and got "something" from fucking around. i'm all about notification in that situation ... keeping a list is useful ... and despite not really entering that many entries in a while, there was a time that it was a "constant" ritual.

so i went on to Facebook and typed his name and voila ... he's on there. now the thing is since i had to log on it somehow occured to me... well, why don't i just make a "real" profile. i mean, my friendster profile although still up is pretty much defunct so i decided, what the hell. i spent teh next hour or so (late into the night where i should be sleeping!) and made up a fun little profile, added pictures, etc ... and of course .... requested his friend link. i didn't really know if he would accept it or not but a few days later, he accepted it and asked how i was doing.

it was fun looking into at his profile after he accepted my request, to my chagrin, in the time since i last talked to him, he had landed himself a boyfriend, complete with yucky cutesy picture of him and his boyfriend on his page. oh well ... i mean, i had landed a boyfriend too in that time but of course, we know how yucky and cutesy that relationship was. i was kind of peeved i have to say , as to be honest, i had a semi crush (scroll to "In the Mood For Love") on this boy, ok... a full blown i wanna have your babies crush haha. and now he's with someone else when he could have totally been with me haha... if i had stayed in boston after graduating HAHA! oh well, there was something short and sweet about our little love affair. it was one of those weird relationships totally based on flirtation .. a protracted 6 month of woo-ing (and ahh, ahh, ahhing) that even after we had consummated it, the electricity was still thee (and the actual sex not too shabby either! ahh ahhh ahh)

anyways, long story made short ... i got a few pictures for my book of shame... nice ... number XYZ guy taken care of (what you actually thought i was going to tell you a number?!)

oh yeah, also reconnected with people i use to know ... like Webb School people... whoa! also finally have a forum to post up pictures of shit. blogger deespite its wonderfulness, sucks at the whole picture upload thing ... Facebook is so much more stable, faster, and easy to access.

take a gander

Life, et cetera

2008-04-24T20:36:00.004-05:00

sorry, avid blog reader. blog writing has become the last thing on my mind these days .. or technically it has been perpetually the third of fourth thing on my mind in terms of that great “to-do” list, and therefore, it never gets done. in other words, procrastination is king of late. and he has had a stranglehold on more than just blogging let me assure you. or maybe its just that there’s been so many little things flittering around in my mind that i haven’t really had either the time or real inclination to tackle the basics … like blogging. little things like life, et cetera.
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ironically though, even though i’m making it seem like i’m ridiculously busy or something, i’m actually using some dead time at work to write this entry. well … not really “dead” time. it’s more like, “i really don’t want to work but i can’t find any reasonable excuse to leave work early” time. haha! its just one of those days you know. anyways, since its becoming obvious that i can’t bring myself to blog when i do have real free time at home, i guess i’ll just use this sort of artificial “free time” at work created from my procrastination (since i do have real “work” that i should be doing!).
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my last entry was a somewhat poetic epistle regarding a sense of beautifully tragic touristic loss incurred from visiting a place so exciting and new that it was scary. or maybe it was just a subtle suggestion that i am getting old and less able to adapt to novel situations. anyways, hopefully i’ll make some free time to post up the crazy pictures (and videos) that i took of “toooe-kee-yo”. after Tokyo , i attempted to transition myself back to normal life as quick as possible. i have to admit that first week was kind of rough. in addition to jet-lag, i also had a ridiculous amount of things to do at work… actually juggling three projects at the same time. one project was actually pretty short and sweet, being a quick charette project. the other two projects became the meat of the following weeks though, and in a good way, working on two projects simultaneously i’ve found to be relatively refreshing because when you don’t feel like working on one project, there’s always something to do on the other one. well… usually that is … but there’s also the situation like now, where there are both things to do on both projects, but i don’t want to work on either.
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i’d like to mention these two “meaty” projects briefly though because as a pair, they are VERY similar and in some way have sort of type-casted my work at SWA of late. one project is the china project, the one i got to fly to asia for in the first place. in some ways, it’s a bit “ghetto bling”, being seemingly fabulous, but really on the inside kind of crude and cheap. basically it’s a subdivision, but being a Chinese developer project.. it has to be fabulous but in an almost hmmm… noveau riche... kind of way. really great project on paper but one that being a "realistic" designer makes me constantly think ... hmmmm, yeah right. my other project is also a subdivision planning project, but instead of china, its right here in good old Houston . its been fun bouncing these two processes off of each other i have to admit. both projects have been pushing yield and trying to squeeze in more lots, houses, units, et cetera. but whereas the Chinese project and its developers sometimes seem as lost as we are (or simply they are unwilling to share needed information), the Houston developers are slightly more sophisticated and slightly more “long sighted”. its been novel work for sure … and sometimes i wonder, do i really know anything about subdivision planning for real? but hey, i just try to apply the design concepts i know and also simple personal design taste to these spaces; in the end, all designers have an inherent repertoire of design tricks they like using. i’ve also noticed an interesting detail in the work i do at SWA. in both projects, even though i’m relatively at the bottom of the totem pole… all the actual work is done by me. basically i design, draw up, and think over these plan iterations, then pass it by my supervisor, get his comments, redesign and revise, and then let him and my principal on the project present the project to the client and answer questions in a way that i had to prompt them for... in a way. this is especially true in the Chinese project where there is a language barrier between me and the clients (good Chinese versus bad Chinese!) so its difficult for myself to really communicate directly with them… and also that my supervisor in china is quite the “designer” herself. the Houston clients however, seem slightly more interested in what i individually have to say; but it’s a little bit of shock to realize that people are actually shutting up to hear you talk. haha. sometimes i make myself think… am i happy at what i do for a living. in general… yes.
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one thing that i have finally gotten around to completing after MONTHS of procrastination is that i am finally registered to start taking the ARE, or architectural registration or licensing, exam. now i am just registered to be able to take the test, that doesn’t mean i have started testing… or even started studying for the test now mind you. haha… that will take some more effort… but at least i’m registered! whoooo. go alex.
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in other psuedo work related news, my whole "green" agenda that i mentioned at work has been slowly acumulating inertia. the company as a whole now actually has started "commitees" to assess the potential of this shift. now thats all good and all, but understanding beauracracy, i certainly am not holding my breath for any real change. so, i've been working on the home front more really... doing direct actions that benefit the houston office. they are small steps, but i do believe that small steps still carry weight and one day this will become simply de rigeur in teh company ... which would be great. even if i am not recognized as the pusher of it, its still personal satisfaction. we recently passed earth day without much fanfare except for a fun little blog "newsletter" i created that showcases all the small, probably un-noticed things that i and a few others have pushed forward. its a nice testament to this "grassroots" sort of movement, check it out. SWA Green E-Wall.

Not much else in work news. there has been this growing sense of responsibility though. i was given a psuedo "coordination" type of task with a sub-consultant which was kind of fun. i think i handled it pretty well and now with teh houston subdivision, i'm actually meeting with the client almost weekly, and in a small way, i think they are getting the idea that i am doing most of teh actual designing too and are just asking directly what "my" ideas are.... pretty shweet dude! before you know it, i'll make associate... and be really able to push the green agenda. oh one interesting thing is that with this sort of "mission" of sorts, it has made me more pro-active about meeting people in the "profession"... that is trying to establish contacts that can give us more information and expertise in things landscape architects and urban planners can do. in less than a month's time, i've initiated and set up four or so upcoming "lunch and learns" for the office... and probably gotten on the nerves of the front office ladies who are constantly getting emails from me about things like recycled toilet paper to regional leaders in "smart growth". oh well, all in a day's work.

my social life also seems to be busy, well, at least when you look at it in over a month's time i guess. during this span of non-blogging my 29th birthday came and went. the actual weekend of it was pretty dismal i have to say. well.... it was "OK". the week leading up to the birthday, only a very few of my friends seem to have remembered and at least said "happy birthday'. i actually went back to houston for my birthday and celebrated with my parents. my folks do try their best but when you have to drive around yourself looking for a birthday dinner place to eat, you kind of wonder how much time and energy people put into something like this and also that they figured they'd just ask me while i was in dallas what i wanted and hadn't even attempted to buy anything (i eventually got a schnazzy bluetooth set for my car... its pretty cool!) oh well... it was nice however, and my folks did remember at least this year! haha. the real sore part though to me was that my friends in houston seemed to have forgotten. i even sort of ranted to my cousin while driving back how it seemed pathetic to call your friends to come celebrate your own birthday... boo to that!

but it turned out they pulled the wool over my eyes though. now i don't think they really meant too, because i only told them i was leaving for dallas for my birthday weekend like two days before i left so i think they had to make a quick change of plans... and they sure did. the idea was non-chalantly emailed about to have drinks at kahl and andy's place befor egoing out teh saturday after my birthday weekend. i got there to their place and nobody was about... and of course i walked into the room... and it was SURPRISE! it was very cute i have to say and made me feel... aww shucks i do have friends! i thinka ctually it was my first real real surprise birthday party.... it was pretty sweet. the boys all got together, made food, had drinks, and even got a scandalous "penis" cake that we have plenty of compromising photos of people trying to "eat". haha! it was all around a fun evening. by the time the party was over at andy and kahl's i was getting toasted and then we went to the bars and it was pretty much downhill from there. i had GREAT fun that night though... a bit too much probably, as i ended up making out with a boy... a "new" guy to the group that andy was trying ridiuclously hard to set me up with for some reason.

now making out was fun and all... but i later realized that i tend to do stupid things when i am drunk, such as kissing a boy i don't really have that much chemistry with... but whatever, the music was good, and we were 'dirty" dancing, and we ended up making out. we did "a little" more than that in the car after but i was a relative good girl and later he just dropped me off and my legs had not even opened the slightest... haha. what was kind of crappy though about the situation is now, post drunken making out, i felt kind of "obligated" to go on a date with this guy to at leats give him a chance so to speak. but you know, i told myself...i'm not getting any younger, i'm not dating anyone now, and he's not bad looking and he's a nice guy... why not? unfortunately, there's the chemistry question. now, i guess this is hard for some people to understand... but the way i see it is... that that night when i was half drunk, dancing (which i love) to good sexy music, and here was a boy receptive to me dancing with me... well like kahl said.... it looked like a britney spears video... and i was britney. but that's just play and that making out was play.... and then when your friends think they are helping out by leaving you two alone and non "cock-blocking".... what are you gonna do with the guy you're not "really" into? say... oh... i need to go home now? so we made out... but god... can we say 7th grade? he kissed like a dog once i was sober and could realize it. yuck!

so the next weekend, i went out on a "date" with him. i took him bowling and had dinner. now don't get me wrong, he was nice, we didn't have any strange uncomfortable silences... he would make a great friend. the problem ... the problem... is a question of chemistry. i have gone in depth about this so i won't here.... but chemistry is the all important factor... at least for me. there is simply something about guys i fall for that makes it OBVIOUS... to me.... that i'm attracted to him... for some reason. don't know what it is, but i know it when i feel it, and when i feel it, i make the other person know i'm into them very easily. i am not the best at subtlety if i like you... haha. our date ended in an amicable hug.... and everyone know what that means. siyonara!

but speaking of boys though, i have certainly defrosted a little in terms of getting "out there". maybe i am more of a summer fling love bug because since abouts my birthday i've hooked up more than i have in almost the preceeding year (or emotionally as i think of it... "Post-Ron" (my ex-bf)). maybe i am just getting randy from not getting any for months, but just in general, i'm much more laid back about just having a good time now too.... but in a way, there is still this yearning for something "more" in the back of my head. oh well, who know's... boyfriend number whatever might be just down the road! now i'm letting myself have a little fun til then.

my annual "gaycation" is coming up as well... can we say... boys?! heehee.

oh speaking about gaycation in key west... i can't wait also to be able to be in a tropical place and yes, to show off the bodily improvements i have been working on since the begginning of the year. now, its not all that mind you and remember i was really "fatso" from all the cake excesses of last year so there;s was really something i needed to work off. but i have really made progress and even my trainer friend kahl was surprised. i hope the results are further galvanizing the last few pounds or inches (actually my focus now is body fat %) before i reach my semi-target... my real target of being the "hottest" 30 year old i can be. getting through with my licensing exams and getting down to 14% body fat would be the greatest personal presents for my 30th by far! anyways... i can't wait to work on my "whole body" tan, taking my shirt off and showing my remaining fat rolls to anyone who wants to see them.... haha. of course, once i see teh bronzed muscle gods that i'm bound to be ogling at... maybe'll i'll rethink that taking your shirt off thing... haha!

any other news? hmmm, kahl and andy lately have been taking turns going back to the UK, which allows someinteresting behavior to sprout from the remaining one while the other one is gone. kahl seems to take the liberty to hang out with his "mates"... in a very very "straight" way... he really is quite straight acting i have to say! sexy.... haha. he gets loud and jovial, and loves to high five in a particularly masculine way. good fun... if you're just as drunk as he is! haha. andy on the other hand, also gets drunk and starts flirting with people left and right (but not doing anything but cock-teasing them). and he has the nerve to ask if he's acting inappropriately...well... yes, because what you are doing that you think is innocent, other people can read as a complete come on...and respond accordingly.... so who's to blame there. i mean, when you dance like a slut with a boy, he's bound to try to kiss you right... HAHA!! oh well.... they are still both massive good fun in different ways... and you know...a ctually hanging out with them sans the other is strangely refreshing... because they aren't so "uni-mind" then... that is "couple-mind". its that strange personality divide between singles and couples.

so anyways, i'm sure there are oodles of other things i should write about but i really can't think of any and this blog shouldn't get "too" long right. i mean... life... that's what it is. lots of little things flittering past, each moment unique like a snow-flake, and standing from far away you see patterns and understand the way things move sometimes, but in the midst of it, its just a blur.

et cetera..

Aishiteru, Tokyo

2008-03-16T20:44:00.002-05:00

in my previous post i may have inadvertently painted a somewhat grim picture of my visit to tokyo so i wanted to use this follow up posting to somewhat to if not overturn that suggestion if there was one, then to at least elaborate on it. tokyo, to a tourist whom has never been to the city, will seem overwhelming, over-sensory, and possibly, with enough time, dismally exclusionary. but i think in the end, its only a natural occurence for anyone coming to really realize how "out of place" he or she is in a place, that they feel a sense of "emptiness" in that place. i mentioned this before that tokyo is simply a hard nut to crack. at the end of my trip, i had this distinct feeling of being completely out of place in tokyo, vastly missing "home", yet at the same time thrilled by all the new sights and sounds and mysteries that the city seem fecund with. it was only on my flight back to the US, that i ran across an eeriely appropriate representation of this feeling that pervaded my wide-eyed experience of Tokyo.

beyond the particular part of the movie that i think paints well the feelings i felt about (or in) tokyo, the relatively recent film "paris je'taime" is all around a beautiful piece of cinematography ... a collection of 20 film vignettes that all revolve around concepts of "love" in relation to the "city of lights". its probably the urban designer in me, but i have always believed that there is this strange love affair urbanites have in relation to their city, especially a city that in some way has become a vangaurd of a type of living, a particular sort of love affair with "place". for example, the TV series "sex and the city" is not only about the lives of urban women, but its specifically about the lives of new york (manhattan) urban women. the appropriate title sex AND the CITY weaves a string about this love/hate affair we can have with a place as magical as new york, as magical as paris, as magical as tokyo.

there was one vignette in the movie about paris, that struck home with me while i viewed it in my delightfully comfortable business first seat. it was filmed in a quaint, almost comical format, about a middle aged non descript single american woman who had come to paris by herself to experience a city, and a culture she could only dream about till then. yet throughout the narration, what she came across was not a magical city of love and beauty, but a strange cold place where the city and the people of the city seemed to jealously gaurd the "city-ness" of the place. this woman only felt a sense of being outside of the "know", and ultimately being left out, creating a vast wave of emptiness that only made you wonder "what am i doing here?" in much the same way, tokyo felt this way to me ... a somewhat aloof, almost inapproachable place, where the idyllic or romantic images of it you thought were representative of the place, seemed at best unaccessible to you, or else simply were non-existent.

the turning point of this depressing story though really hit an emotional chord when the scene moves her finally to a quiet park setting in the city, where she sat by herself, eating her little sandwich, "trying" to "feel" the city. but that is then when it struck her ... a sense of feeling incredibly sad as if there was something great that had just past her by and she couldn't even know what it was. but simultaneously somewhere in that brooding swirl of sadness, there was a kernel of great joy because even if she couldn't identify what it was, somehow simply the act of feeling something greatly came gushing forth ... she was in essence, alive ... and that very alive-ness filled her with joy. as the narrator said, it was in that moment that she fell in love with paris ... and that paris fell in love with her.

the last full day i was in tokyo, i was deep in feeling out of place in the town. and somehow it was only the idea that i "should" finish the "itenerary" of things to see that got me out into the city again. i went to this beautiful park, had a lonely meal in this park, walked around enjoying the absolutely beautiful day and all the people around me who seemed to have someone to also be with. the situation only made me feel as if this city had no place for me (dramatic i know for a tourist ... maybe its just male pms but i was all off kilter in tokyo). i got to this beautiful temple, saw it, took photos, enjoyed it as any tourist would and then i noticed this grand tree that all around had this little wooden "wish tablets" hung around it. the custom was that you'd purchase one of these wood tablets, write a "wish" on it, and then hang it on the tree. everyday then these tablets would be burned in offering to the "gods" or whatever. without thinking about it much, i figured what the hell, and bought a tablet.

i didn't really think much about my wish and what i wrote in the end wasn't much of a wish per se ... but in almost stream of consciousness fashion, the moment the pen hit the tablet, i wrote something to the effect that coming to tokyo, as far as i could be from home, literally on the other side of the world, made me realize how "lost" i can sometimes feel, how i feel like i am looking for something without even knowing what it was. maybe that something is this love affair with a place, with a person, i dunno ... but i was looking, and the lack of success so far made me incredibly sad. as i hung my tablet and walked away, a gush of emotions flowed through me and i couldn't help but start crying. not all out wailing or anything, but just the right heaviness of sadness where it isn't enough to be therapeautically cathartic, but enough to weigh you down ... a dead weight.

as i walked through the beautiful park on the beautiful day, my mind became a well spring of metaphorical views on my own life. here i was on a quiet path in the middle of nowhere ... an absolutely beautiful surrounding and perfect day all around, but all i could be concerned with was wanting to know where the path was going ... and of course, any sign i ran across was written in an intelligible language to me. for some reason, this relentless need to know where i needed to go (or simply a desire to have someone to share the overbearing void with) made it difficult to just be where i was and enjoying the beauty of "the moment" as they say.

maybe i'm getting older and less able to adapt as i once was, but the trip to tokyo made me realize that i want to find "place" in my life ... or that coming to this strange world, made me realize how much i missed the "place" of my life right now, the small armature of sanity that surrounds me now.

and then the forest cleared, and i came across an open field where people laid on the grass enjoying the warm sun, kids running around, and then my metaphorical mind wished that such a clearing would also soon come across my life. i laid down, looked at the sky with clouds racing across, and cried some more... a good cathartic one. after ten fifthteen minutes, i felt better. i dunno if i felt as if Tokyo "loved" me ... but i felt that that day wasn't so bad. i traced back to the temple, to the sacred tree, and looked again at the words i had written just an hour before. strangely a sense of unknown lightness replaced what was there before and i smiled and walked on, entranced by this japanese wedding procession that i had just happened to stumble upon.

i think sometimes we invent "signs" in our lives to fit what purpose we need them to, to help us understand the crazy world we live in. that day i walked into that park with a sense of heaviness created by what i perceived as an unloving, unknowing city ... and by the time i walked out ... Tokyo didn't seem that bad ... you just had to let it get to know you. in similar fashion, i think the lives we build around us sometimes are like strange cities we might visit, at first foreign, daunting, lonely ... but strangely like a new city, your own life sometimes needs to just get to know you, and then when that happens, you "fit in", you're "placed", and you begin feeling that strange sense of joy from simply feeling.

Wah-Ka-Ri-Ma-Sen : Finding the “Know” of Tokyo

2008-03-11T21:31:00.001-05:00

“Wakarimasen” or “I do not understand”, was probably the most common phrase I found myself using during my four or so days in Tokyo. I think “Wakarimasen” is still the lens I use when thinking about Tokyo, even after my crash course in this particularly foreign universe … one ever scintillating, ever distracting, ever scary in its break-neck pace towards becoming something else, but what I’m not sure.

If I didn’t mention before, I found myself lucky enough to go to China for work again, less than a month after my last trip to China that consequently ended in a fascinating two-day lightning visit of Hong Kong. Having a second go at things, I decided to take advantage of the free trip to Asia again, seeing if I could re-route the return trip flight path in order to have a lay-over in Tokyo, another city that I have always wanted to visit, but realistically had no intention to in the near future. Lightning did indeed strike twice luckily enough, and coincidentally the re-routing in the end cost my company less money. So no qualms about using company funds for “personal” reasons. In the end, I ended up staying a bit longer than I would have usually … that is longer than another two day lightning visit … due to the availability of flights. But the four days in Tokyo I had proved to be completely needed in order to visit what I hope to describe as a city that combines the best and worst of American cities, and then throws in things only “Tokyo” has to offer.

Ultimately, I found myself concluding that Tokyo is beyond New York in terms of its penchant towards “avant-garde” metropolitanism … putting shame to a city I do love and honestly would rather call “my” home in its pursuit of “what’s hot” and though to a slightly less degree, “what’s not” (since everything seems to have some place in Tokyo). Now I am making that statement with an intended implication that such pursuits balance upon a proverbial double edge sword … a samurai blade that should only be wielded by those who know such arts. I also found myself concluding that Houston (or LA) could not match Tokyo in terms of its voracity of urban sprawl either. The “concept” of Houston … a city American urban theorists have seem to have taken special pleasure in disdaining as a horrific failed example of the poly-centric city where no place is “a place” … seems to have manifested in to a kind of strange success in Tokyo. Strange in the sense that it is successful in the sense that Olympic athletes whom are doused with steroids are successful … ridiculously ripped and highly performing, yet ultimately artificial and sterile.

Everything in Tokyo I found overwhelming, sensory-overloading, and just plain fucking crazy. A gentleman I met on my stay there told me that Tokyo is like Times Square in New York City, a celebrated place full of madness and loved because of it … but beware, Tokyo … is Times Square … but EVERYWHERE.

Tokyo I think, is a work (in-progress) … an on-going experiment … in contrasts and damn outright contradictions. Here is a city where people walking on the streets live in individual invisible bubbles, somehow avoiding each other with internal magnetic repulsion, where simple “excuse me’s” or even “get the fuck out of my way’s” when you do bump into each other are forgone (you simply pick up and go)… but then simultaneously street signs everywhere dictate what are called “street manners” … no smoking, or drinking, or eating while walking. There are defined smoking locations equipped with ash-trays canisters and sometimes little barricades on certain street corners … that people really do use. When it rains , EVERYONE is courteous enough to close their umbrellas when they walk under roofed areas of sidewalks … so water does drip on the person walking next to you. You see a daisy field of multi-colored umbrellas open and close like in some freak spring and frost. There are almost no trash-cans, yet the streets … relative to a city of over thirty million people … are impeccably clean (people simply carry their waste to wherever they are going and find appropriate receptacle inside). Tokyo-ites are a tribe where what we might call “suits” … “salary-men” … walk side by side with “harajuku girls” (young teenage girls probably on the social fringes in school who live alternate lives in their free time by dressing in ridiculously outlandish garb and then prance for camera-snapping tourists who eat up like candy). Tokyo is a place where the overt pursuit of haute couture (or what seemed more like to me “gangsta bling”) is not only reserved to the young women walking along Omete-sando, which is their version of 5th Avernue also outfitted with Chanel, Louis Vuitton, and that ilk, but equally to their boyfriends walking next to them … who’d probably have more expensive and trendy outfits that the girls.

Tokyo young men display metro-sexualism to the n-th degree. As a gay man, I found this immensely dis-concerting (beyond what you’d see in NYC metros even) because here “fashion” for men includes things like seriously distressed (to being shades of orange) long, shaggy hair, skinny jeans with gay gay gay belt-buckles, lots of dangling, seriously Liberace style, jewelry, and outright purses, not “man-bags” mind you … Louis Vuitton PURSES! For fuck sake, I couldn’t tell which cutie was gay or straight, and even if they were paired with a girl, I then couldn’t tell if the guy was really a guy or not. Such is the pains I could imagine of being a gay man in Tokyo.

From what I could gather on the Japanese cultural psyche, it seems that it can be summed up that Japanese sexual culture does technically “allow” homosexuality in a very “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. What is ultimately the prime directive it seems of the Japanese revolves around extending lineage. Such is understandable as it’s a particularly Asian mentality, that of the contract of marriage and then consequently (or post-requisitely) that of childbirth and lineage extension. Just as long as those objectives aren’t violated, it seems men (only men mind you … as Japan is indeed a misogynistic society, as is the US) have free reign on what they do (and apparently who and do) in their “free time”. Men are THE providers apparently (and since they are given over 30% higher incomes for the same work as opposed to women … similar to the US) and so as long as they pay for their wives Gucci purses and their children’s Harvard educations, they apparently can never come home and fuck anyone then want. Short end of the stick for the chicks huh?

Anyways, lest I digress into a serious anthropological enquiry, I found Japanese culture, the culture prancing on the streets (the one I could only really experience) ever fascinating in its interplays of what is OK, and not so. Another perfect example of this “you must be in the know” protocol is the gay scene … which like what New Yorkers call the West Village, Tokyo-ites call “Nichome”. Technically on the map the area is called Shinjuku-Nichome which means the second quarter of Shinjuku, but Nichome does has a classy sound to it … almost French, but not really. It’s a strangely non-descript neighborhood … no rainbow flags out except one or two at night when the homos come out of the woodwork … and many heterosexuals can be found walking along oblivious of the homosexual decadence behind blacked out windows. Unlike the overt display of fashion on Tokyo streets, “gayness” still seems kept behind closed doors. The only way you would know that Nichome was “gay” … would be if you were “in the know”.

In the guide books I read briefly before coming to Tokyo, it made the assertion that Tokyo had the highest “density” of gay bars of anywhere in the world. And density is the key word, as Nichome is probably no more than 3 city blocks in area, but if there were not less than 150 individual bars I’d be surprised. What does this mean? A “spacious” bar in Nichome might hold maybe 15 patrons … basically it’s a bar with 15 stools lined up, maybe enough space behind the stools to walk … and that’s that. That’s spacious! The typical bar may hold 5 customers and someone told me that he saw a bar that was basically a closet onto the street where when the doors rolled up it was a counter and the “bar’ was just some stool outside on the street. When real-estate is at a premium, the bars also migrate skyward, as the typically four or five story buildings of the neighborhood (each being only about 20 feet wide) house individual bars on each floor. What I could not understand, is how would anyone ever “find-out’ the bar on say the four floor? Of course, if the bar is only supported by the five customers that could physically fit inside it … I guess the business model doesn’t rely on walk-bys.

Other than the physical environment of Nichome, another thing you seriously need to be “in the know”… or be with someone “in the know” is the simple aspect of bar culture in Nichome. In short, its VERY cliquey… maybe the logical outcome to the situation of limited space … priority is given to “regulars” … and many bars apparently outright do NOT welcome non-regulars. You might be a non-regular if you are a foreigner, not Asian, not Japanese, not the right Japanese, or simply not an actual “regular”. You see why its hard to simply just “check out” a bar? What I also have heard is that the majority of the bars also type-cast themselves in terms of their gay clientele. Unlike in the US where there maybe the occasional leather bar here or there that is “particular” in some way, in Nichome, each gay desirous “type” seems to have its own bar … maybe good for personalization, but not so good if you just want to explore. Ergo, there are the potato queen bars where local Japanese with white fever go (and conversely whites who like japs), there are bear bars, fat bars, twink bars, etc, etc. Oh yes, I think there is also one or two lesbian bars in the mix somewhere, but who cares about them right? Not hairy and fat and walk into a bear bar? You’ll get some mean looks and probably eventually be less than politely asked to leave (or at the very least simply not served and ignore).

Unfortunately, what this meant to me, was that I ended up being psyched out of actually entering any of the Nichome bars, lest I be cast out onto the street. In retrospect I should never have read the guides, or simply made the resolve to just take my chances. I wasn’t in a brave moment I guess on this trip, so I simply was a touristic observer of the cornucopia of tiny lighted signs that crawled up the building facades, blending into a wall paper of stripes and colors (and again, why even have a sign if the only way you knew a place was if you “knew” it?). Despite not experiencing bar culture directly, walking around Nichome did prove eye-opening simply for its built environment however … so I didn’t walk away completely empty-handed. Maybe next time … and I do feel like this trip to Tokyo warrants a round 2.

I did happen to meet one guy on my trip who shared his experiences of being an American ex-pat who had only lived in Tokyo for about seven months. Overall, he said, it had been a good experience, but we ended up agreeing in the end … that Tokyo… is a hard nut to crack. But somehow, I guess the hard ones are more satisfying when you finally consider yourself “in the know” … for the moment. Tokyo morphs at a dizzying speed, and even native Tokyo-ites never seem to completely know their home town. Every New Yorker knows Times Square and the real “places” are all sort of well documented and visited … but in a 30 million plus city, where every place vies to be “a place” … I think even being a real Tokyo-ite only confers onto you a very limited and transitional knowledge of what’s going on, unless you are particularly adroit at the urban flaneur, which in itself requires a great stock of courage, wit, and plain street smarts (knowing the language also doesn’t hurt).

Or you can just reply to everyone “Wakarimasen”.

Back to China

2008-02-26T21:55:00.002-06:00

so from the title of this blog you might surmise that i am going (or have gone) back to china again. the former would be correct, since i leave for china this upcoming friday for another week long trip that will end with a day or two free time in yet to be determined fabulous asian city. the default will be Hong Kong but as i am in the process of seeing if the company travel agent can land me a good "layover" deal in tokyo.... i'm still crossing my fingers to visit another place i've never been. similar to hong kong, this completely taking the opportunity presented disregarding the fact... or actually really assuming the position that this will be a rare occurence for my company to send me abroad... and squeezing everything out of it i can. i think this proposed extra 2 days in tokyo is kind of silly from a personal finances point of view because i seriously am aching for funds now but again... its the mentality that this will be a once in a lifetime opportunity so why not dip into the savings for such ... things like travel, experiences, and fancy dining are my weekness ... material things like iphones or such i can usually convince myself out of easily. of course it just ocured to me actually that with all this company reimbursed flying, i still manage to get all the mileage from both the flight itself and also purchasing the flight ... and just checking my mileage account, i've alreday garnered enough for a free international flight ... maybe i really shouldn't spread myself thin? we'll see.... as the tixs are set now i still ahve two days free so its either a hotel stay in hong kong or a hotel stay in tokyo... we'll see how the tokyo layover fare is. there's middle ground.

in other news, work strangely enough has seemed "revived" a little bit. i've just been put on yet another project where it the managing principal made the comment that i was put on it "specifically" for what i could offer ... as opposed to just "creative labor" so to speak ... which is refreshing. maybe its just the agglomeration of things but there's a new sense of "professionalism" with my job in the sense of this travel, client interaction, heading in-house commitees on the firm approach to "green" practice... something more befitting someone on teh verge of turning 30. omg, am i growing up? noooooo.

my parents visited me this past weekend, and for a change, i spent the weekend (what of it that was free) with them as opposed to another "party" with my friends. i love my friends but shaking it up is quite nice i have to say ... even if it is with your folks. i've also made the decision that in terms of my social life, i'm going to try to "get out there" a bit more. make some more new friends and broaden my circle a little bit ... and like robert laments... fucking get some SINGLE friends. the comments of "why don't you have a boyfriend" from coupled friends are starting to get old... seriously.

does no-one really believe in the phrase "happily single"? or yet another level ... "happily NOT dating"?

i ruminated about getting back into the "dating" pool so to speak but somehow something inside me still says that there are some other things more important to focus on first ... like really getting started on my licensure tests (which has become the #1 topic of discussion... or lecturing to be more precise... from my parents) and getting out there in the sense of making more friends... like real friends.

a funny aside but now that i am "regularly" going to the gym, i get to see a lot more guys just in general. now, believe it or not, i don't really have the habit of "checking people out". chalk it up to my usual non-observance of anything not directly in front of me or occupying my immediate attention ... but seriously. i may glance here or there at a cute guy but i thinks its both rude and declasse to stare and on the flip side of that coin (or some other coin really) i think i don't have the balls to deal with the situation if the guy in question stares back. i "feel" this sentiment periodically when i "feel" like a guy is checking me out. hmmm... how does one say this without sounding like he thinks he's all that? basically, my horribly shyness i think makes me completely shut-down if i feel like i'm being checked out. instead of taking it as a compliment, i notice myself tensing up, putting on an ice queen face, mostly so that the other guy will "think" i'm not interested and stop staring. does that make sense?? of course, you are speaking to someone who has no "game" what-so-ever when it comes to meeting strangers... so what do i know.

in a strange way, that feeling is related to what i feel was one of my most proud (or just novel) achievements while traveling last in hong kong. at the various bars and clubs i was out ... since i was in a situation i hardly EVER find myself in (being by myself in a bar/club (or any social situation for that matter)and knowing no-one) i actually struck up conversations with complete strangers ... with relative sucess i might add. but then again, i should also say that i chose relatively "safe" targets in the sense that it would be easy for me to NEVER give off the impression that i was just trying to pick them up ... i.e. i chatted up a couple and a man old enough to be my father's eldest brother... haha. maybe next time i might challenge myself to actually try to "pick up" a guy ... that seriously would be a big move.

i know i'm almost 30 and way past any semblance of being a "newbie" on the scene, but i have to admit that i think i can count on one hand the times that i have been the "chaser" so to speak. well ... and old dog can still learn (or do) new "tricks".... haha. man that was more than just an "aside".

so anyways, my next issue may describe an exciting tryst in Shingjinku (Tokyo) or Mong Kok (Hong Kong)... or for that matter bumfuck Inner China. fuck... my life is awfully fabulous lately isn't it? haha! yeah right.

Just a blog ... in between

2008-02-18T21:44:00.003-06:00

there won't be any particular point to this blog i think; i just thought that i hadn't written an entry for a while and that i should do so. but nothing "too" out of the ordinary has happened though so don't expect any bombshells to be dropped in this entry. my last entry was about my business trip to china and my ever so brief a moment in Hong Kong (for the first time). it was a great experience, short for sure.... but great as "just a taste". i wish travel could realistically be like the"chef's tasting" menus at fancy restaurants ... just a bite or two of something absolutely extraordinary. but lots of extra-ordinary-ness however. i'm debating with myself if i will "have" to go to china again relatively soon (which is a possibility) if i should make a return to hong kong or take the opportunity to visit another "must-see" asian city ... tokyo (or maybe seoul...although technically i have been there ... airport stop). tokyo definitely.

i was looking over the sparse entries the past year or so (sorry, the fruquency of writing really is nothing like what it was when it first started ... but i guess that is what happens when you "grow up")... and realized that if 2007 should be characterized in any particular way ... or in my way of thinking... if year 28 of my life were to be characterized anyway ... it would be by travel. it pretty much started with gaycation 2007 (which in its 2008 version is being planned already!) in provincetown and a week in new york; then a return to new york in november, straddling both sides of the holidays were two trips to san francisco (and maybe one coming up for pride in june) and a small but fun weekend get-away to dallas (with friends).... and let's not forget new orleans for southern decadence ... and of course.... china and hong kong. the excursions have been nicely spread out at about one a month ... but ha... the frequency of trip is rivaling the number of times i blog ..... which seems to imply that nothing of real significance happens in between trips... haha.

work? well, fun travels aside... i think its in general good. the itch to get off my butt and start getting ready for licensure tests is getting to a fever pitch now... and for good reason ... if i want my license by 30.... i MUST start by my 29th birthday ... which ahem, is not too far away. the test will take a year or so to complete and with administrative processing and all that jazz ... it'll definitely be a year ... anyways, it long time overdue.... seven years after graduation is enough to do the expected and usual five years of work to get a license and then two years for grad school. getting licensed after 30 will just start becoming more and more silly. but work specifically though? welll ... its tied into the impulse to get licensed and that is to just get something to be excited about and work towards.

of late, i have found something of that type that i have been trying to push at work... with certain degree of success. this is what i'll call "my" green agenda .... and that is basically a framework of things the office can do to become more ecoologically responsible. i was integral in producing a "green wall" of ecological news for the office... and have spearheaded a recycling initiative as well at work. my main view of other people's response... everyone will go on and on about how important the concept is ... but few are really interested in getting things done or changing things. my next push (when i feel the recycling is getting enough inertia) is to act directly on purchasing. all of this stuff stemmed from the conversations the firm as a whole had back in october ... and i want to carry that energy forward. i'll admit i'm not the best spokes-person for the job ... but i just hope small actions will be noticed.

a "challenge" i am thinking of doing is some modified version of "carry your own trash"... basically you carry all your non-recyclable, non-food, non-"hazardous" waste around... in a trash bag... with you... for two weeks. it not only opens your eyes to what you waste in terms of amount... but HOW you waste ... which i think is the key... the first step begins before you even receive the item.... of the holy trinity of eco-awareness ... reduce, reuse, recycle ... the first two often get overlooked because they feel ascetic in some way. like my cousins said.... you don't need to recycle your plastic water bottles if you don't drink bottled water now do you? more to come on this "challenge"?

friends and family? well, my folks seem busier than ever now-a-days. teh temple project of theres is in full swing and never a day goes by that something pressing happens is seems ... from architects quitting or engineers saying the soil reports are wrong. i guess this how projects like this work. sometimes i wish i had more experience in architecture as a real profession to know how to help ... but most of the time all i can do is aesthetic stuff ... makes you wonder ... how do people get "good" at what they do?? my parents did visit me a few weeks back and the best part about having them stay with me for a few days is them telling me how WELL my new bathroom looked. i am quite pleased by the effort, enough to hold a little soiree at my place of course ... a very successful party if i can say so myself ... full of good food, drink, mirth, and friends! exactly how things should be. my "friends" have definitely been a saving grace of my usually dull existence (i wonder if thats a fair statement ... i've always though my daily grind is dull but maybe not so much?? i dunno). we do just enough little dinners, parties, celebration, etc... to keep things fun. hector has become a great friend to just hang out with although we don't really share much of each other i have toa dmit ... we're just good "hanging-out" buds. andy and epsecially kahl have been beautiful lately. spending so much time with kahl (via training and then taking him to lunch bc of training) has in a strange way made me feel like his relationship with andy is definitely something to be envied... to some degree of course.

in general i feel like i've been getting a good "dose" of friends, not too much as often happens with me and my love of "me" time and not too little to feel like a social outcast. i do wonder though if i should actively try to find more friends as when andy and kahl move (which is a definite possibility) a huge portion of my "real" network will be gone ... which could be bad. by the way, hector and esau have resumed being friends and i sometime hear bits and pieces of the "prince's" life, but in general i think both of us have gotten comfortable (at least i have) that are friendship has ended and will not resume (as it did with hector and esau ... to my chagrin). my next "event" that i am looking forward to is the "one year anniversary of living in my home" soiree sometime in march or april ... like all my parties, it will be one to top them all... haha!

first i'd have to get some cash though. post holidays and post property tax season ... i have found myself in distinct financial narrows straights of late. at least i'm not in the red but i'm certainly skimming that surface though. it has gotten to the point that saving isn't much of an option for a few months i would bet... at least i had put away money before and trying really hard not to dip into those funds. its amazing how a few unexpected costs (mouth retainer $500, aia costs $400, traffic tix $300, various travels $1000s.... haha) all of that stuff adds up. its kind of depressing because with the spring usually comes costs for cleaning up , freshening up, and sprucing up teh house and garden ... and i just don't know where that money will come from. what about the march soiree? maybe just a nice meal? haha. on that note i did make a little quick money with a small interior design job and also got my first comission check from market america (but now my per month purchasing requirement has doubled!)

anyways, when do i ever let money "really" get me down? hmmm.... haha, what do i say? lets go have a steak! of course now... the thing is ... let's go have some grilled chicken. the whole health thing is still going relatively OK ... i allow myself some slips here and there but they are conscious slips and weighed in relation to everything else. and exercise has also gone well. i met some people i hadn't seen in months the past weekend and they all remarked about how it really looked like i had lost weight ... cool.

hmmm...basically thats about it i guess. last week there was valentine's day .. i didn't have one. but thats ok... i think. with my luck, some great guy will land in my lap when i'm busy trying to study for my licensing exams and now when i might really be having all the time in the world the season is dry as as drought. but you know, its OK.... and i know i've said this enough to now sounds as if i am trying to convince my own self ... but i AM "happily" single. i met a couple in hong kong at a bar and when asked where my boyfriend was i said i was happily single. in march .. along with celebrating a year of living in my humble abode, i will also be celebrating a year of being single (not always happily of course).

28 has been somewhat of an internal sea-change in the sense of how continents move... standing on them you wouldn't notice a thing ... but way up i the sky (and fast forwrading millions of years) the changes are vast. being 28 saw my personal life abruptly shift in terms of my love life... and if we look at the sea-change of losing esau as a friend ... also a shift in my social life. virtually all the people i use to hang out with (through esau) i don't anymore and along with ron not being in my world ... i think ... overall ... it has been a good thing. but i get the feeling like with many things in my life ... this in itself is also an "interim" condition. maybe that's why travel has happened so much this year ... it some sort of fateful recognition of the changes in my own life inside? going to all these great cities (SF / HK) has made me yearn for the nomadic lifestyle i use to live again but at the same time ... Houston as home has also really sunk in. i dunno, sometimes i do get the sense that there is something "in-between" about life right now ... not in necessarily bad sense as it may seem ... just as... and in-between state.

i still remember telling esau over a year ago when i realized i was falling in love with ron that somehow i could see him being the gateway boyfriend ... meaning the boyfriend before finding my husband ... and maybe thats a subconscious reason why i've been really sort of consciously putting a new love interests on the back-burner. or maybe i'm just still afraid of being hurt? haha... always that possibility. but whatever the case ... i do hope... yes... hope... i am in-between great things ... great friends, great loves, great sense of being.

Homeland ... well ... kinda

2008-02-03T20:33:00.000-06:00

so i just got back from a week in china last night and suprisingly the "jet-lag" isn't too bad. i mean, sure i slept for 12 hours but i think it was mostly from laziness as opposed to actual exhaustion of any sort. so yes, if you're wondering whats up with the whole china thing, if i didn't mention it before ... sort of out of nowhere i had to go to china for a project i am working on at work. so after almost two years at working with swa, being originally brought on (i thought) to work on some chinese project ... lo and behold ... i actually am, and am going to hunan for a three day workshop. actually it turned out that the hunan leg of the trip was canceled because of these freak snowstorms that happened while we were there ... so we ended up doing the "workshops" in Shenzhen, which is the city in china proper right across the border from Hong Kong, which i visited for two days after the "working" part of the trip. overall, but especially about hong kong, i have to say the trip was a blast!.

there were a lot of "firsts" i have to say regarding to this trip. the first of the first was sitting in first on the airplane trip over. haha, sounds immature of me, but hey... you're talking to a humble coach class boy here. i've only flown first class once on a fluke upgrade when i was like 12 years old... haha. but this time, the company sent us all business or first (well, from los angeles back to houston i did fly coach ... but mainly bc the travel angent couldn't book anything else). it was VERY cool. after this experience, i'll have to say without a doubt that if you're flying over 10 or so hours and can swing it, a business class seat really is worth it. but then again, its easy for me to say that as i don't pay for it .... and seeing that the ticket price roundtrip was like $4500 ... i don't think i'll be paying for it anytime soon either!! haha.

the best part of flying upgraded i think is just being able to actual lay down to sleep .... the seats get to a pretty close to 0 degree incline ... very comfortable. the food is good in business but nothing stellar. what is good though ... is that business class also allows you to stay in the business class lounges at airports.... so even your wait is in style... haha. nice... when you don't have to pay for it!

other firsts are of course, going to Shenzhen and Hong Kong. Shenzhen was a complete surprise to me. I know it sounds provincial of me, but Shenzhen's modernity completely surprised me... it is a bustling, gleaming, new, and modern city. On the surface, everything looks very western ... but of course, from the environment surrounding an "expat" business person (the business hotels, the business restaurants, etc. ... it would seem so wouldn't it). probably the coolest "urban" thing i did in Shenzhen was a relative short "flaneurie" in the "villages" ... these wonderful urban street markets in older pockets of the city... basically where "real" people lived and got on with life ... it was very cool... and in a strange way, eventhough looking like everyone else, i felt soooo self-conscious ... as if everyone knew i wasn't "truly" chinese.

the actual "workshop" part of my time in Shenzhen was allright as well... lots of eating withc lients, working in my hotel room doing some sketches, and then sitting in loooong ass meeting while the principle showed this and that and another co-worker ... a more senior associate fluently in chinese ... translated. i didn't say much and i bet they were all wondering what i was doing there ... oh well. i am not sure what i was doing there either. but it was good.

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i was totally more hyped about going to Hong Kong though to be honest, and even though i spent at most only 48 hours there ... i felt i got to really know Hong Kong a lot better than my stay in Shenzehn, which was twice as long. but i actually got a chance to explore Hong Kong. The following are some pictures of the experience, that and some cool videos as well.... ENJOY!

i found this sign in the Lo Whu border station hilarious. basically Lo Whu is the transit zone between the Shenzhen subway and the Hong Kong subway ... and since Hong Kong is technically a different administrative "zone", there is an "immigration" check. i wonder if before the hand-over, if this sign said "to a better life" ? ha

the stunning opening scene of all that is hong kong, after i got out of the subway. this pciture was taken from one of the scores of pedestrian crossing 'bridges' that straddle dthe huge thorughfares in the city. that was the weirdest thing about walking around the city, it wasn't just a horizontal walk from a to b ... but often necessitated the third dimensions as well. a very interesting urban flaneur.

my "stunning" room view from my hotel. now, granted, i could have gotten a "harbour" view for $30 more a night ... but i figured why waste potential 3-4 more drinks just for a pretty view i might look at once or twice a night? i still found the little crack of light between the two building funny though... great view huh?

i think this image is very "hong kong" in the sense that you really get an idea about how jammed pack with different things the city is. this was one of their larger parks in the city ...as you see, the park itself is beautiful and well coifed ...as coifed as the slick 80 story building behind it.

see what i mean about dense? taken from "the Peak" ... the highest point around the harbour ... probably higher than that tallest building you see .... maybe.... not sure though. check out the video too... one from the top of the Peak, the other near the water on the Kowloon side, looking back at the Hong Kong Island buildings ... basically two sides of the mass of buildings.

i have to admit, i have something of a love affair with urban signage. don't you love it too?

"THE" view of Hong Kong at night, taken from the Kowloon side, right before the nightly laser lightshow ... that... despite bordering on the kitschy ... is kind of cool.

this is a video of one of the most novel things about Hong Kong. it is called the central escalator or something and it basically is the world largest network of escalators that brings office workers from all the office high rises which are near the water to the residential high rises which are built on the slopes of the island. i guess the original idea was that it would be too hard to expect so many people to walk the incline or to expect enought cars to go up and down that relative small mileage and cause massive car jams everyday... just buila huge escalators that did the climbing for people. if its hard to understand ... you'll just have to see it for yourself. i've NEVER seen anything like it!

anyways, it was a lighting visit to Hong Kong, but i feel i got a great "taste" of things. i saw both hong kong and kowloon, rode the ferry, the subway, a taxi, walked miles and miles probably. saw the peak, the waterfront. ate at local restaurants, tourist traps, and even mcdonald's. went to three gay bars/clubs ... had an overall great times. even chatted up some fun folk, no one cute, but just fun conversation. not to say there wasn't a lot of pretty bois around, because there definitely was ... but i wanted a more low key... just friendly... time... and i got it.

despite visiting the city by myself, it wasn't nerve racking getting use to it and in the bars and such, the gay boys all seemed fairly nice. i "might" see myself living here... haha. whatever the case, it was short and sweet ... but i had a blast.

and a business class trip home was just the rest i needed. ahh... back to the real world now!

"Me" time and SF 2

2008-01-22T21:19:00.000-06:00

2008 has gotten off to a good start in terms of using the new year as a start for some changes in my life, at least i think it has. the biggest change really has been a significant shift in my eating habits and hopefully in my exercise habits as well. this is all part of the "to be a hot 30 yo" "resolution" that will last for the next approximately 16 months .. and onward. seriously though, what i eat now is quite different than what i use to let myself eat ... even my "trainer" after comparing my food diary before and after the change, was amazed. there are moments where i have broken down i will admit ... a box of fried chicken here and there, one little piece of chocolate, or what not. but in general, my meals of late have been centered around oatmeal and fruit for breakfast, stir fry vegetables and beans and vegetable burgers for lunch and dinner. and i might eat actual meat only every other day. i pretty much do not eat cheese or any kind of potato now and rarely any bread of sorts. in exercise, i have had two "training" sessions, learning out how to actually lift weights and now trying to figure out an actual workout schedule.

i'm not going to bold yet and say that any change in my body has definitely happened, but i have gotten various comments that i do look slimmer. anyways, i am glad i am having help though ... and free at that! kahl has been a great benefit to my life in that he puts so much energy into helping me along my little "journey". i will have to admit though, i do feel a slight twinge of strangeness when we're training that is, since he is sort of a cute guy and well built... and well you get the picture... i'm only a man.

we were stretching on a mat, laying side by side, i'm lying down and he lift his head over and talks to me about stretching. i couldn't help myself but think this was an approximate position you might be in talking to your lover in bed. alas .. he's taken ... and even more so ... i am his friend and his boyfriend's friend. oh well. speaking about that though, kahl was telling me that he and andy were having dinner this past weekend with another couple and the other couple asked why was it that i was still single. it was a sort of complement i guess, the way they seemed to ask it, saying they didn't understand that with my talents, why i'd be single still.

why? i dunno ... but to be honest. right at this moment ... i really don't care that much. i know for a few previous months i was waxing and waning about single-ness ... but you know, this "health kick" of late has really shifted my focus and in a way ... as I told Kahl ... what i am doing now ... perfecting my health and hopefully starting to advance professionally ... is all stuff i want to do ... solely.... solely for "me". they are all things that directly benefit me and i reap direct rewards from in accordance to my efforts. the whole finding or having a boyfriend thing ... honestly ... too much trouble to think of it now. and way to volatile. and if you think of it ... what really is the benefit? the REAL ... lifestyle changing ... and lasting benefit. sounds pessimistic ... or bitter ... but i don't really think so. i want to think that it's just "me" time now.

so in general "me" time is going fabulously. in other news, i just went to San Francisco again this past weekend. the genesis of the trip was to help sam, my ex-ex-boyfriend celebrate his 30th birthday. flying halfway across the country for a birthday? well... seeing that he had friends flying fully across the country ... i guess i needed to represent texas. and its sam... the only person i've been intimate with and still talk to with amicability ... that speaks of something i guess. anyways, sam and i and about 20 other or so of his friends (from various stages of his life) had dinner and some continued on to a little quiet party at his place. it was a fun evening ... not crazy ... but enjoyable. and it is always fun to see sam.

however, the other part of the trip entailed being entertained by hector's friends. they were kind enough to offer us (yes, hector came with me!) 2 evening stay and even a great tour around the "must see" sights of SF. the touring afternoon was long but filled with some seriously spectacular scenes to be had around the city. i think my favorite was going up to "Twin Peaks" and seeing all of SF laid out in front of you ... it was a beautiful sight. and of course, i appreciated the poetic end of the day watching the sun dip into the Pacific Ocean ... quite nice. it was a perfect "weekend" trip ... well almost ... as i had to immediately go back to work when we got back sunday evening to prepare for the work week. but i did realize how much i love SF ... whyd idn't i ever really think of that town to live in before?

speaking of traveling, the next thing to look forward to is this ... after almost 2 years of working at SWA, a job where i originally was brought on to do some projects in china... and consequently NEVER worked in china (except 1 time yes but it was a short 1 week charette) ... lookee here ... i am actually working and even more ... going to china finally. i will be in hunan a week or so and then topping it off with 2-3 days in hong kong... city i have never been to. to be honest, i am jazzed about hong kong but only ho hum about the actual job in hunan ... haha... oh well. well... i am also jazzed about flying first class and business class all the way as well... sweet! anyways, this week will be busy trying to figure that all out and preparing.

Breakdown

2008-01-13T02:10:00.000-06:00

since i didn't really circle the day i quit smoking, i really can't say how long i've gone without a smoke. my best guess was that it was the week or so of thanksgiving.... which puts my record of quitting cold turkey from ciggs at just over a month and half. not bad.

of course, that ended this evening as i "treated" myself to 2 ciggs this evening. the thing is ... and maybe this isn't exactly the right way to think of it ... i don't see it as a "relapse" though. i've decided that if i get so far as opening that pack again in the near future telling myself its "just" for one more .... i've decided i need to just chuck the pack in the trash (since obviously then i don't have the willpower to avoid ciggs when i know i have them in the house). but again, i don't see it as a relapse in my attempt to quit. it was a pleasurable smoke .. although funny enough, i have sort of honestly "loss" the taste for it a bit ... so i guess that's good.

my new mantra i guess regarding my "resolutions" such as quitting smoking and eating better and just general better health-style is something like "its OK once ina while". Kahl, my new "personal trainer" has said regarding food you KNOW is bad for you ... as long as its "once in a while" ... its OK. so this week, i "treated" myself to an ever satisfying lunch box of fried chicken ... and not even thinking about peeling the skin off. Funny though, I still couldn't bring myself to eat the buttered muffin that came with it (since i figured protein even with all that fat is still somewhat beneficial, whereas empty carbs with fat ... is just nutritionally bankrupt) For about three weeks now, I have been making myself grow accustomed to always thinking "is that something i really should eat"... but directly coupled with that is "OK, i want to eat it but its really not that great for me .. so how can i make it better". silly things like making 5 egg omelets but using only whites, getting "dry" baked sweet potato as opposed to the glycemic index bomb of a regular baked potato (even without the "fixings"), eating cheese only if its for eating the cheese itself(as opposed to adding it to food), diluting with seltzer orange juice (yummy!) and pretty much all drinks really, reading reading reading ingredients, comparing calories, protein, carbs, and fats. etc, etc. and of course, once in a while eating a box of fried chicken :)

and once in a while, having a cigarette. Nice.

A New Year, A New Bathroom

2008-01-03T22:52:00.001-06:00

over the "holiday break" i was fortunate to have off from the friday before christmas through the next solid 11 days till the day after new year's day. during this time, i did two major things. for the first half or so i went up to dallas to spend "xmas" with the parents and some relative who also had stopped into town. it was a relatively uneventful yet relaxing few days filled with listening to the parents buzzing and all the minutia of their life. a nice break from my ordinary existince if nothing else.

but come christmas day i was outta there though and on my way back to houston. oh before i go on, a quick re-cap of this year's gifts ... two dessert books, a creme brulee cooking set, a silly calendar, lovely clothes, headgear, various small minutia, and the best gift of all from my well-knowing parents ... money! haha, actually it came at a great time because the check they wrote me was perfectly timed for what i did for the rest of the holiday break ... finally renovate my bathroom!

haha, keep in mind... the "original" idea was to devote weekends of October (that is 2007!) to finishing the bathroom, and then weekends of November to the kitchen ... in order to make my technical owning a house for a full year anniversary. ok... so i re-plastered the ceilings the first week and painted them and painted two big splotches of blue on my wall to test the color.... hmmm... that same condition existed till the day i came back from dallas for christmas. ha. now, sheer laziness aside though, there was ALOT of happenings in October and November, from travel to work to just other social functions ... hello... Halloween and Thanksgiving? anyways, so since i had six days of nothing to do, i really had no excuse to not get at least a decent start.

and so the following pictures document in roughly chronicle order the transformation of my plain jain, and teetering on a little drab bathroom ... into a hmmm ... frenchy, funky, sea side escape ... hmmm sort of like miami, only if it was taken over by the french as opposed to the cubans?

in general, like most of my "reno" projects... it was mainly a surface treatment ... paint, lots of trim and molding, some exploration with accessories and with this particular project, a fun reinterpretation of a light fixture that was inspiring yet pricey at its store price ($2500!). eventually, i would like to re-tile the floor, but as i believe i've probably hit mty budget already, i think i'll leave this DIY to the next parental gift ... and anyways... surprisingly the vinyle ( i know... shameful huh?) ... kinda... matches the new color.

all the walls originally has this DISGUSTING "popcorn" texture all over making the walls like sandpaper (i might as well rubbed my face against the walls to get a shave). 3 tubs of spackle and lots of hand action later... and then some sanding ... re-spackle... and re-sanding ... i got relatively smooth walls ... yay!

after smoothing the walls, came installing the "trim package". i designed a composite trim that would act sort of as a chair rail / wainscoating and integrated a strip of embossed texture wall paper so i could give it a little extra "oomph" of detail. the small ledge gave a small (but lengthy) place for putting small items (having a pedestal sink allows no counter space) but i wanted to keep it small as not to cramp the space). don't mind all the funky colors... all the items in this pacakge were leftovers from previous reno i did and i knew i'd paint all over it anyways.

behind the door there was a shallow bit of empty wall that i decided would be a great place to have a small shelf of sorts. so i designed and built a very shallow shelf that would be as high as the chair rail trim on teh other side of the room and would have the same trim/wallpaper detail in order to simulate a continous look around the room. it fun proving to myself i really could build something. awesome.

EVERYTHING then receives a 2 coats of primer, and the next pictures show the result after the wall under the chair rail are painted an ever so greyer shade of white (try painting white on white and wondering where you've painted already) and the walls above the chair rail a beautiful blue-green called "Surfer".

although i do love the color i chose, after putting it on i began realizing that my original idea of painting both the walls AND ceiling this blue might just be a little too over-powering. backing up from that move made me then realize that i had to add some more molding, specifically crown. despite having done crown molding a few times before, it was already day 3 or 4 by then and i was already getting tired of DIY and decided i didn't want to deal with the needed precision in installing crown molding well ... so as a compromise i looked into an alternative that involve neat little corner blocks that sit well in the ceiling corners so that the ends of the molding trips could just hit it flush as opposed to a mitered cut if it hit another molding strip ... trust me ... a lot easier! also after the blue went on, i applied the small detail of molding "frames" the walls making it tre french. ooh la la.

the mirror was a fun little project in that i took the glass from an old mirror that had a much too small frame and put it into a open frame that i had that was much thicker in scale and nicer in ornament. by the way, the "sunflower" mirror in the earlier pictures i just didn't feel fit the space after all so that'll be used somewhere else now. the next few pictures are at a stage of about 90% done. the remaining items are filling in the holes and cracks in the crown, painting the crown, adhering the faux stain glass, and then lots and lots of detail clean and touch up... oh yes, and completing my "classiest" item in the bathroom ... my custom "retrofitted" chandelier. the inspiration piece was from "design within (meaning out of) reach" and was basically a chrome bar with light hanging from it but also a thick wall of beautiful crystal baubles ... price tag? $2500. so my "design on a dime" mentality took a cheapo walmart bought acrylic "chandelier" that was bought for $15, cut apart the baubles and then attcahed a wood trim piece to the ceiling and meticulously hung from string strands of "crystal" in a line in front of the already handsome yet conventional fixture, whose original shades had been removed, leaving the naked light bulbs, which in this application become sort of big crystals themselves. not excatly the same replica, but when you compare $2500 and tops $20 ... come on!

ahhh... a new year... a new fresh retreat from the world ... i feel relaxed already!

Like a Fat Kid Loves Cake / Who's Afraid of Turning 30?

2007-12-18T22:44:00.000-06:00

i went to the doctor today to get him to get me some blood tests done regarding blood sugars and cholesterol, etc. In just taking the regular measurements i was honestly taken aback on just how MUCH weight i had gain since just my last doctor visit in august! i knew that my pants felt a little tight lately but to actually see the scale register that number just kind of blew me away.

but all in all i'm shouldn't be really that surprised. and in a way, the extra weight just gives me more motivation to move on what i have decided is going to my major new year's resolution for 2008 ... the resolution to move towards as healthy of a lifestyle regarding diet, exercise, and stress as i can. i'm not excatly sure why i came up with this notion, maybe its the subconcious working itself out, despite my conscious efforts of ignoring the palpable feelings of my waist against my pants. now this resolution isn't really that "goal" orientated as in i want to loose x amount of pounds by x time (although it would be nice to shave the 10 lbs i gained by "gaycation" time)... i really am trying to frame this as a "long term" goal.

and to help me, i've enlisted the help of my friend kahl .. who studied nutrition and physical fitness and does a little freelance "personal training" as well. the boy is a well of knowledge regarding diet and eating right and also exercise technique and i hope to glean as much from him as possible! and when i say "long term".. i really am trying to think that way as well. in short, my "goal" if you can call it that... is to by the time i'm 30 (16 months away!... not sooo long term) to "be" in the best health i have "ever" been in. now ... i do feel this is "realistic" as.. i've never been "skinny" and have always been not as healthy as i could have been ... but i hope that starting 2008 ... i will be able to slowly make "lifestyle" changes that will gear me towards "healthy" living ... so i can be a hot 30 year old! or more realistically at the very least i can coast the 30s in decent shape and not totally loose myself as many guys do once their metabolisms aren't going as they use to.

and i think ultimately that maybe half of what it boils down to really... is that i'm embracing "aging" ... and turning 30 to me... instead of being the end of my youth ... i like to think as a "resurgence" of my youth and enthusiasm for life. actually i'm pretty excited about 30 ... and making myself believe i can be the person i want to be by then ... makes me even more excited to be 30!

i have to be honest, the past year has been quite hum drum and at times i've been feeling sort of dis-located or lost or what have you. i dunno, my 27th year was such a marathon of "achievements" ... graduating, getting a job, moving, new friends, buying a house, renovating it, having (then loosing) a boyfriend ... that i think i may have "burned" myself out in some ways. don't get me wrong, i still believe 27 was a great year ... a year that a once hook up prophetically said would be the year everything "gell-ed".... but they way i see it, is that maybe things started gell-ing ... but it won't be until 30, that things "set". but somehow all the things that happened when i was 27, depsite being all "good" things, sort of left me i thinking ... well, ok... what now? then again, maybe its really something a little different? i mean ever since my break up with ron, which was a little before turning 28, i have been honestly really "lazy" ... lazy about professional development, lazy about my other responsibilities, lazy about getting back into the saddle to find happiness again ... ... and to be honest ... i don't really think i'm that happy with some things in my life ... or more precisely ... i'm not happy about my lack of enthusiasm to change what i am not happy about.... BUT now ... i'm tired of being lazy and i'm tired of being unhappy.

eventhough i've always prided myself at being as pro-active and straight to solution as possible kind of guy. but i dunno, of late ... i just haven't really "tried" as hard ... or i dunno ... been afraid to?

whatever the case though ... i will say that if anything truly positive has happened over the course of this year, is that i feel like i have found a social circle that is positive, life-affirming, and consequently now ... i'm feeling the effect in the sense of it making me want to really ... live .... again. ok, that's a bit melodramatic, i have always wanted to live ... but seeing my friends happy and knowing that i am able to make them happy ... for some off reason, has energized my own self-worth in a little way.

and because i feel my own value again, in some weird way it makes me realize that there really is a very real reason for me to try to be the best i can be .. or something like that. sometimes i think, that being with ron and then not being with him may have affected me more than i thought ... maybe in the sense, that for a brief span of time, there was someone who i was willing to mean everything to and vice versa. when that was pulled from underneath my feet, maybe it shook that sense of self-worth a little bit. i wonder if that makes sense?

anyways... whatever the reasons, i've decided that 30 will be absolutely fabulous ... and i'm taking steps to make sure it is. in preparation for transitioning into a new lifestyle, i've been for a good 2 months (none of this really collectively planned though ... it all sort of just came in pieces) now... being starting exercising through biking, been "slightly" more conscious of eating (although the weight gain is a concern but i think the culprit is easy to spot ... uh... cake?), and get ready for this ... for a solid month now ... i have not smoked. and hopefully all these steps will build upon a new year that see a revised sense of eating and exercising using the resources i have around me ... a renewed outlook on stressors in my life ... and hopefully a renewed enthusiasm to get somewhere else professionally (it seriously due time!).

yes ... 30 will be absolutely fabulous.

and when i turn 30, i will have by then become truly adept at pastry and cake making ... and i'll let myself make a cake ... and eat it too. ;-)

speaking of cakes, some more creations ala Raunche.

Deliciously Yours, Courtesy of Raunche

2007-11-24T23:05:00.001-06:00

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Mocha Rum Chocolate Cake Layered with Rum Chocolate Creme and White Chocolate Raspberry Creme, covered in Dark Chocolate Ganache, garnished with fresh raspberry.
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Spiced Pumpkin Cheesecake with Bourbon Pecan Caramel Sauce and Topping

I Heart New York

2007-11-24T22:29:00.000-06:00

last weekend i made a short visit to new york city. it was pretty last minute but as i didn't see much in the future in terms of a "real" reason to go to the city, i figured i just go completely for "pleasure". and i am glad i did. new york is seriously a different world from houston, and not for better or worse... just different. people ask... so what did you do in nyc, as if going to nyc neccessitated something out of the ordinary. well, to be honest, i didn't do anything in new york that i would haven't had been able to do in houston .. in concept that is ... but the thing is ... well, i got to do those things in new york. the city itself is the experience.

i think nothing makes this clearer than sunday afternoon, spending time just window shopping with ira after a delightful brunch in the financial district with robert and ira. something about the chilly november air of new york, the sound of car horns, and flash of metropolitan glitter. the feel of stylishly layered coast, scarves, sweaters ... the ritual of taking off them in too warm boutiques to putting them back on before stepping into the nippy outsides. there's something about going "in a direction" ... some destination in mind, but no certain route planned. academically we call this the "flaneur" .. a haughty french term that means .... city walking... just walking. that's what i did in new york city.

you don't get that often in houston, land of the single family home on a quarter acre, miles and miles of concrete (horizontal and vertical), and the automobile, the automobile, the automobile.

anyways, i started my little vacation actually with a littel event on friday evening, going out bowling with my gay bois but also meeting up with mei's friends a little bit... in order to share the cake that i baked for her... a gastronmical beauty of a rum-chocolate cake with a rum chocolate creme and a white chocolate raspberry creme. YUM! bowling was fun and i came in respectfully second to last haha. after that had a little bite to eat with the bois and then retired, well not really. messed around online since i figured i had six hours of flying ahead of me.

those six hours of flying and sleeping obviously were not quality lets just say. i trudged finally into robert's place around 5 saturday afternoon and first thing i wante dto do was take a nap. of course, i wasn't so lucky as we immediately freshened up, went to get something to eat, saw a cute littel gay play, and then headed out to the bars and clubs. we eventually landed in this bar called the Ritz (being inspired by the play we saw that evening by the same name). now, not to say i've been to all the gay bars in nyc... but the ritz really was something out of the ordinary. a very cosmopolitan bar, even for nyc ... i felt for a moment i was in barcelona or something ... haha. anyways, it was a really fun place until it got more crowded than Times Square in rush hour. seriously! there comes a point where there really can be too many people.

eventually left the Ritz while my impression of it wasn't completely sullied by the massive crowds... haha, and for a moment, i thought this might be a little known gem in Midtown ... nothing good in NYC is little known for long i guess. oh btw, i also should mentione we hung out with hunter, a "skethcy old man" to be... haha. no, i think hunter is fine and all, but he does have some sketch habits, which after the ritz, robert needed a therapy session over. all i can say robert ... not your business. ;-)

sunday we woke up at a decent brunch hour, made our way via taxi to the financial district, got to the brunch place disasterously early so we hunkered down in starbucks and just chatted. after a goregfest at "ulysses", robert had to leave early so me and ira kept eatinga nd chatting. it was so nice to catch up with ira, probably a real high-light of my GSD career ... that seems like such a lifetime away now. after we finsihed brunch, we walked soho and saw shops that we had all seen before and put some perspective back into my life by looking at $6000 dresses and a $250 jacket is just loved but would probably have occasion to wear once or twice a year in houston (but i so loved it!). after a few hours of "flaneur" we parted ways and i headed back to the UES.

a small accidental detour to the bronx delayed me somewhat but eventually got back to robert's place and took a nap before heading out for a simple dinner and then watching a movie. how "regular" is that? but nothing is so in nyc is it? my one and half days really of being in NYC were thoroughly enjoyable.

i just wish the trip back home could have been as enjoyable. monday around noon i set out to JFK, then supposedly to Ohare and then back to IAH. everything in my own control was tip top shape but of course, my JFK flight got so delayed that my ohare flight would have been missed, stranding me in chicago ... fuck that. i headed back to new york, this time to brooklyn, for a surprise visit with yvonne who i wasn't able to hang out with originally as planned ... but hey, nothing is plannable in this city! but anyways, the trip back to brooklyn wasn't bad and before you know it i was hanging with my cornell peeps ... yvonen and rafa , still as fucked up as ever! it was nice to see them though.

ok, tuesday's flights were really no better but somehow... 13 hours later, i got home to houston. i love being home! haha.

Dallitude

2007-11-12T23:08:00.000-06:00

this past weekend, i invited hector, andy, and kahl to dallas with me to spend the weekend exploring the city and staying at my parents' house while they were away. it was overall a pretty fun, despite brief trip. we started easily enough friday after work and left right on time. unfortunately despite utilizing the HOV and saving some time with traffic, there apparently was still traffic beyond the HOV lane, almost 30 miles outside of Houston... i guess a lot of people were going out of town for the weekend. anyways, we decided to just have dinner as oppose to sit in traffic.

although not as raucous as the prior weekend's PF Chang's dinner, we still managed to have lots of fun over a Chili's dinner. after eating we then started the rest of the three hour drive, or more precisely, i started the rest of the three hour drive. i mean, i'm sure they would not have minded driving, but i figured i'd do it, being my car and all. we finally got into princeton, tx around 1 AM, milled about and slept about 2 AM.

the next day i had an early meeting with a guy trying to do some business with my folks, so i met with him, listened to his shpill and also went to look at some property... fun fun fun. the boys meanwhile, had breakfast and milled about best buy. when i was done, we drove into dallas and had our first stop in town, that is the JFK assasination museum. it was interesting indeed and seeing the site of such a pivotal moment in american history was sort of eerie as well. after the museum we headed to what is known as oaklawn.. or the gayborhood. we browsed some "gayish" stores, soaked in the gay "dallitude" and had a late lunch at "hunky's"... the gayest burger joint you've ever been to... haha. because of the little sleep from the night before, i for one was conking out so we drove back home (decided to ditch a plan to go to a drive in theatre) and took a nap.

a few hours later we gussied ourselves up and drove back to oaklawn to go experience the dallas version or JR's and funny enough... Mining Company as well... an exact pairing as in Houston.. must be indeed a franchise. JRs was good for some drinks and just general people-watcing... saw lots of cuties funn enough and had some heart to heart with Andy about my ex Ron.. nothing too heavy, just some girl talk. after JRs then we mozied to Mining Company which actually was decorated in the theme of a mine... it was cute. it was a psuedo dance club and after a drink, me and andy went to shake our asses while the more butchy ones, hector and kahl, stood around and looked tough... haha. after enough dancing, we hung out on an outdoor balcony, which we soon realized was like the runway for the night's "sidewalk sale". of late, i've been attracting some seriously fugly people and i'm really begginning to wonder if i'm giving us a "come fuck me, i'm super easy and un-discerning" vibe or what... because i swear... not that i'm anywhere a hot guy.. but still... some seriously old or seriously un-attractive people have been coming up to me of late when i go out. now don't get me wrong, its really not that they are just ugly... its that they are SKETCHY too... i mean, they are either like 60 or they are unattractive and they use the nasty stare you down or come and try to surreptitiously brush up against you tactic... it's superbly disturbing.

god, i am not being too demanding am i? why can't an average looking guy come up to me and just say hello or some scantily disguised version of a pick-up line? seriously.

after our gay night out, we bid our farewells to Oaklawn, and went back to mckinney making a 3 AM stop at our favorite restaurant apparently... whataburger. haha, an hour and 1000 calories later, we left and drove on home. i eventually got to sleep around 5:30 that morning since i made the stupid choice of calling mom, which of late has entailed every time a litany of things she needs me to do for her while she is gone. oh..... oh well.

sunday wasn't much but a brunch at IHOP where we learned that andy and kahl are entertaining moving to canada and building their home.... it would be sad to see them go but oh well... such is life. after brunch, adding gas, and checking the tire pressure (i do know somethings about a car haha), i drove back home... kept awake by various conversations from mostly kahl and hector... andy just slepted haha. the evening ended relatievely uneventful, watching a DVD and tidying up odds and ends.

looking forward to next weekend and my NYC trip. big apple here i come.

3 Years Ripe for the Picking

2007-11-07T23:52:00.001-06:00

Happy 3 years to "Secret Life of Bananas"!

Life Not So Fabulous

2007-11-07T13:12:00.000-06:00

i was looking over my recent blogs and was wondering if my life of late has “appeared” to be a string of drag soirees and cake-baking contests. in order to alleviate that potential predicament however, i felt it would be useful to quickly note some of the “other” things that have been going on in the past month or so, maybe forgotten amongst the excitement of beautiful pastry and gay gay gay celebrations.
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work has been just “work” to be honest. there’s a bit of the typical frustration with any job that sort of is in a ‘comfort zone’ of sorts. although being in general interested in the project that i am working on, i have been particularly turned off of late by the way my principal handles it. he’s a talented designer no doubt, but in terms of “people-managing” skills … there is still room for improvement lets just say. the core of my frustration i think stems from a feeling of “inconsequential-ness” of what i am doing at work. there is a lot of working and re-working, and re-working even though you know what you are re-working is causing more re-working … all in all, you can see how it can feel like a dog trying to bite its own tail. unfortunately, my usual response in a situation like this, has been to grow disinterested in the job. ironically enough though, less because of the disinterest and maybe more because of the ramifications of all this redundant work… coming in on the weekends is pretty common-place for me now .. at least for an afternoon one of the days. for a while a few weeks ago, there was a point where it felt like storms were colliding and i was a lost ship in the middle of that storming ocean. other than my “job” job, there was about a month’s time that i was also loaded by a personal side-project … my largest commission to date … that involved a multi-phase project of re-working some condo floor plans. it was an attractive project in the sense that it was easy and straight-forward work … but of course it was difficult because of the… timing timing timing… that is what kills you. so in addition to my “job” job and my personal side job, there was also the other side job of handling some business for my parents. they were currently undergoing two sale transactions for properties they own, one being a particularly difficult one legalistically and financial structurally… and they conveniently weren’t going to be in the country as well during the process. it was a crazy few weeks of secretly (ultimately not so secretly) calling and emailing lawyers, title officials, lawyers, realtors, and more lawyers mostly at work, missing my own work time to do closings (one lasted four freaking hours)… and at very end, communicating all across the country, as i was in San Francisco, “my” lawyer was in Houston, the buyers were in New York, the loan people were in North Carolina, and the buyer’s lawyers were in Florida… fucking eh! some how… i still didn’t have overages on my cell minutes that month??? go figure.. all in all i think i have about a thousand emails documenting the process… and at that time, i was seriously considering getting a crackberry. i’m not going to bore my dear readers with the specifics, but take it from me… it was a learning experience, one that i probably will not want to repeat if i can help it.
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so anyways, in short… i have been busy with “work”. i sort of mentioned this, but i actually went to San Francisco for a weekend funny enough because of work. SWA was having there 50th anniversary, and they thought it would be nice to fly the entire firm (about 200 or so) to the San Francisco for the weekend, for a firm wide community service project (which was actually kind of cool once the day was over) and a an academic symposium (overall it was boring but got to hear Shigeru Ban and Thom Mayne and walked away with the itch to become more eco-friendly … since then, i have really pushed biking to work, started recycling, investigated how to harvest rain water, and trying to start a “less waste” initiative at work). the rest of the time was pretty much “free-time” which i used to explore the city a bit, saw the Herzog and de Meuron museum, experienced the San Francisco mass transit system and also met up with Sam (who now lives in SF) and hung out in the famous “Castro”. it was a very fun weekend all in all… lots of drinking, and just good fun all around. a massive hangover on the day we flew back, but other than that…. pretty good fun. would have loved to meet up with that guy i met a few months ago from San Francisco but he blew me off… oh well. i said he was imperfect, haha.
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anyways, other than the San Francisco event, the company has also hosted their annual “Open House’… which had a middle eastern theme this year… filled with lamb kebabs and belly dancers and a hookah lounge… it was a amusing time. beyond those ‘work” related thing, not much else really has been happening. at home, i have been trying to continue on the bathroom renovation project, the first week, i got good steam and finished re-texturing the ceiling but then i sort of petered out after that. i still have to re-plaster the walls, paint the walls, install molding, faux marble, and redo the floors. the original goal was using October for the bathroom and then September for the kitchen so by beginning of December i could have all of it done (for my one year house ownership anniversary) but now i think if i get my bathroom done before December, i’d be happy. i will have to boast though, that i FINALLY got the garage cleaned out… haha the task i literally have been meaning to do since the beginning of the summer? anyways, it was surprising how quick it took, no more than an hour (although it did occur on a day i took off of work as more of “mental health” day). i’ve also “winterized” the landscaping, finally moving those ailing begonias in the main front beds, to just the small beds around the trees, and just leaving the main beds barren… resting time i guess for the winter. some where in December before Christmas i guess i should power-wash the driveway again as well. oh… decorating for Christmas… yippee! i didn’t really decorate for Halloween but i did FINALLY make that dried rose wreath i’ve been collecting and drying all my roses for… obviously, it looks fabulous! that’s pretty much it in regards to the home front i think. the “boys” have been over quite a number of times, from large get-togethers like the dessert course of the “progressive” dinner to small snack and movie offerings and this home has been warm with good friends.
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speaking of good friends, i’ve already written that i am one good friend short now but many more good friends “more”. me and esau have not spoken to each other in maybe not two months and at least from my perspective, i don’t mind. to be honest, his absence from my life has improved my overall social situation i think… i have met more people and have had i feel more positively good times not hindered by cattiness. and to think that with even more gay men, it would even more catty… but somehow, my boys are allright. last saturday, nine of us went PF Chang’s for dinner, were sat at the “chef’s table” and had an absolutely raucous, hilarious time! kahl, bless his heart, has the most impeccable timing when saying inappropriate things. he made me the statement, i hope un-intentionally, of saying to the effect that it was obvious that the waiter knew the table was gay because once the topic of pussy surfaced, everyone sort of grimaced … but while the waiter came back to deliver the dessert. it was just too much for me! haha… that was really enjoyable dinner… good food, good drink, good friends. so yes, in general, i feel my social circle has flourished since leaving esau’s “fold” … and i sincerely hope he has also found new friends and is passing his free time with friends as well.
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last night i had dinner with an old friend that i haven’t seen in a very long time, dr. bea (who i had met through esau… but who last night told me that she was hesitant to call me to hang out because it might involve esau coming!). it was a pleasure to see her again… well, sort of… she still wants to talk at length about her lesbian dating strategies and woes or what have you….ewww, you know you’re gay when you can’t even fathom girls getting it on with each other… haha! anyways, i had a good time with her and brought her up to speed on the whole rift with esau and she seemed happy with that. also had a small revelation that she helped with in terms of exactly what is behind the reason for me not calling the guys that i have numbers to. there are two numbers i have, one guy who i doubt really is all that interested, but another which i really think is, and seems really nice. despite my wanting to date, i wonder if the reason i don’t call these guys is simply because i’m scared of really jumping into to “dating” with the goal of getting into a relationship? i guess my little bout with dating in the summer was just sort of really only for fun… but i dunno… of late i’ve really been wondering if its “time” to get hitched again. over dinner, i told bea about the whoel ron and the note in the statue thing and waxed nostalgic about love in general. i dunno… maybe i really should call this guy.. what harm would it do… except for him to tell me i waited to long and he’s already dating someone else. would be my luck of course…
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anyways, there are a few things to look forward to in the ensuing weeks… actually TONS of things… as this is the holiday season and everyone is celebrating and weekend times seems to be a premium these days. this weekend, i am going to dallas with hector, andy, and kahl. next weekend i’m seeing robert back in NYC, the weekend after that is Thanksgiving, which is always an affair (I think). there is an intermittent weekend that is still free between thanksgiving and my proposed anniversary party/ winter soiree (which i think occurs with the company party as well). then it’s a dual surprise party for andy and kahl’s birthdays, and then its basically Christmas, and new year, etc etc etc. again… life will be busy. even with out any dates, there is no lack of company. i guess life is not so bad after all.
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Inside Every Gay Man is a Crazy Chinese Girl

2007-10-31T23:10:00.001-05:00

Halloween 2007. Let the pictures speak for themselves!
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Its my Party!

2007-10-14T15:12:00.000-05:00

Had a fabulous "progressive" dinner with the boys this weekend. Appetizers at one couple's house, then main course in the courtyard of another couple's house, and the desserts at "the" single man's house. haha. i have to say i really do enjoy making food and dessert and entertaining but i really pulled out all the stops for this one... and i think i am good to not make another dessert for a while... haha. in total, plus active planning and organizing... it was about a 16 hour effort spread across three days... whewww. i use to want to have a boyfriend with power tools so he could help build my deck.... now i want a boyfriend who is a pastry chef.... still most likely gay... so shouldn't be too hard. anyways... the "menu" was such... and actually with people taking a serving home... i was cleaned out. thank god... i hate leftovers!

chambord and honey soaked pound cake layered with lemon mousse and strawberry compote, glazed with white chocolate ganache and dusted with hazelnut, served as "petit gateaux"

espresso mousse chocolate cake with dark chocolate ganache glaze, served as "petite gateaux glace"

champagne parfait with pears, strawberries, and rasperries

spiced pumpkin cheesecake, served as "petit gateaux"

pears poached in spiced red wine, stuffed with chocolate hazelnut mouse, glazed with dark ganache chocolate and dusted with hazelnut

lemon and hazelnut mousse bon bons

the "Raunche" names were pretty hot too, but i decided to just so you tittilating pictures.

“J” Love and the Last Single Gay Man Left

2007-10-04T17:41:00.001-05:00

my social life of late has seen a gradual shift of players. in retrospect, one could have seen the connections between seemingly separate incidences, that ultimately in the end cumulated in a pretty continental shift of relationships between the people in (and out) of my life… tectonic plate theory applied to gay social groups, or what have you. anyways, i guess one could say it all started out with the falling out i had with esau now maybe about 2-3 months ago. after we patched up our little tiff, esau had again gotten himself into a shitload of trouble, this time with someone else… and this time, i was one of the “shared” friends that had to deal with the uncomfortable situation of potentially being “in the middle” of a war of the roses sort of ordeal. anyways… that in itself though wasn’t so bad and it seemed like we were managing and muddling through it without too much difficulty, until about a few weeks ago… about a week after we had come back from southern decadence in new orleans (which itself was drama-ridden and somehow set the stage you could say)… esau decided, for whatever reason he had, that he no longer wanted to communicate with me…and hector this time. and since then, now almost three weeks ago, i have not spoken one word, live or virtual, to the boy. he has in essence, disappeared from my life. i hate to say this, but other than my curiosity about what he’s doing… i haven’t been much negatively affected by his absence… in fact, his non-presence has opened up social possibilities that may never had occurred if we had maintained the status quo of our previous relationship. i think robert put it best when he said that basically, being friends with some people (usually the self-centered, high drama, self-righteous ones) can actually be an active blockade to meeting new, and potentially great friends. if nothing has proven out as an effect of these three weeks of “non-esau”… it is exactly that…. i have met a refreshingly amount of new people… because… i am NOT… hanging out with esau.
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in the three weeks of not seeing esau, i had a new coupled pair of friends over at my house along with the brits and hector to watch the southern decadence videos that hector shot… which might have been a weird situation owning to the fact that esau was on that trip and there was a lot of footage of him… but overall it went over well. and actually that event was before esau pulled out of our lives… but i guess the event also shows how it was starting to be difficult to have friends who were warring with each other in your life. so originally i was going to have one viewing party for friends that esau had not pissed off and then one with friends that were still ok with esau… OMG, i was thinking… is it going to be like this forever?! anyways it actually panned out that i didn’t have to.. because immediately after that viewing party, that weekend, hector got invited to a dinner that the new couple friend was having, and i was then invited, and the brits as well… but not esau. the dinner was fabulous and i really had a great time with these new friends and it was the first time i had seen the brits in almost a month, so it was a great pleasure to just hang out with these “positive people” … esau, as nice as he “can” be… often is a “negative” or “difficult” person… more so than the average joe. it was just nice to have a good time without drama.
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anyways, long story made short, hector told esau about these dinners and then hector began feeling that he was being ignored by esau, maybe in “retaliation” for hanging out with other people, as esau discontinued any conversation with hector (before that, apparently there was a consistent stream of conversation between the two). i can’t personally say I felt diss-ed by esau in the slightest though… as it is already my habit to be perfectly happy on my own… and i didn’t even really notice the lack of esau’s communication, but i guess for someone who it is constant with (like hector)… the break in the pattern was probably very noticeable. so hector told me about this, and i could see he was really troubled by it. really as a move to support him, although i am sure esau thinks i used it as an opportunity to “bad-mouth” esau in someway… i wrote esau a pretty point blank email saying if he was really busy, this lack of communication is understandable, but if he was just being "pissy" over not being invited to dinner from people you’ve pissed off.. or more to the real point maybe, that your remaining friends are joining in on the festivities without you … if that was the case… he needs to reassess his motives and goals before he really pisses off another person. he immediately got defensive about it and pretty much that’s the last i’ve heard from him. but you know, the boy deserves to be called out on his shit.
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my attitude about this right now? basically… it’s a big… WHATEVER. i was already teetering over the edge of not caring about being esau’s friend anymore from the whole pie incident, and if it were not for andy and his enthusiastic attempt to reconcile esau and i’s friendship… i could have cared less… honestly. it was my instinctual response that this was not worth it. goes to show, that instinct often comes through in the end. so along with having a direct reason to not talk to me anymore, i guess esau also transferred guilt to hector, assuming that somehow, after southern decadence… we were “in cahoots” to basically ditch him as a friend and change “sides” over to the people who had already actively disengaged him from their lives. i could see where his reasoning comes from… but i think the proof in the pudding lies in the one question esau refuses to ask himself … “what am “i” doing wrong?”
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but like i said, not to “thank” esau for not being my friend anymore… there has been upturns to his absence… namely being integrated into another friend “group”. however, one characteristic of this friend “group” is that it is heavily populated with couples… having just the british couple was one thing, but now we have the indian/colombian couple and the latino/white couple. funny actually… saying that made me realize what an amazingly “Benetton” group it is… of the 9 people who went to this recent outing for taiko drums and then dinner afterward (where gay "Renee" was our server and also lecturer on old gay houston urban history... fabulous!)… there were 2 indians, 2 hispanics, 2 blacks (1 is actually mixed asian, american indian, black… the other is british trinadian), 1 asian, like east asian (moi), one british white man, and then one good ol american wasp… and of the three couples… ALL of them were “mixed race”… fascinating. its beginning to resemble the fraternity for guys who didn’t want to be, or couldn’t get into the cliquey “cool” fraternities. haha… but everyone is pretty cool… except for this developing habit of CC'ing everyone on an email train throughout the day… during work especially! i walk away for a day and come back to 60 emails, the majority of which, are silly comments to even sillier statements.
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anyways… yes… so half of the population of this new friend group like i said is already “hitched”… and when i say hitched… i do mean that…. yah yah.. maybe “boyfriends” in name… but boyfriends of like 5+ years at least… basically married in gay terms…even straight ones! this distribution of singles and couples makes me start to think about my own… still fabulous of course… single-ness. sure… it would be nice to find someone cool to be in a “couple” with … like Roberto has… whoo whoo go girl… but am i wanting this “just because” everyone around me seems pairing up? or am i just being melodramatic and just because half of my friend are couples… i feel like i should be as well? and added on to that, like i said… these couples are the loooong established ones… who have bought houses together and such. maybe its pointless really to even compare on that level. once in a while i catch myself thinking though… how nice would it be to have a husband to come home to… since you know, i have the home already? oh well… when i began feeling sorry for myself in that sort of way… i think about this dialogue in the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun"… cheesy movies can contain great knowledge my son! anyways, in this scene the protagonist is basically breaking down and crying, asking why did she buy a house for a life she does not have. the man with her tells her a story about an impossibly steep stretch of the alps between italy and austria where, despite there not being even a train that could climb that steepness, the track layers laid the tracks anyways…. knowing that some day, eventually... there would be a train that could make the journey. and so came the train one day.
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sometimes i guess you wonder, are we just building our lives for that someone who will complete it? its sort of a cheesy catch-22 situation though… are you building your life for someone else to complete you or are you building your life for yourself to complete yourself and then that someone comes to you to complete themselves? i dunno.. all i do know… is that overall, i am happy, and despite being single, i know in the eyes of my friends, single or coupled, i appear to me an accomplished, utterly fabulous, single (by choice) gay man. haha… i think.
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of course, my same silly mind gets a kick out of the fact that all the guys i have been entertaining dates with lately… all their names have strangely started with the letter “J”… which again.. like my fascination with the year 27 of my life… i have always believed that my one (or two according to charlotte in sex and the city) great love in my life… his name would begin with the letter “J”. of late there has been a Jason (my future ex-husband from SF), John, Joe, Jesus, and Julio. At least I think graphically our monogrammed towels will look nice… A’s and J’s look nice together. haha.
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Lick My Fingers

2007-09-18T23:22:00.001-05:00

more delicacies from the future "Raunche" (pronounced Ra-Un-Shay) ... Chelsea's Premier Patisserie.

"Once You Try Black, You Don't Go Back" Cake : Triple Fudge Chocolate Cake with Kaluha Enhanced Espresso Frozen Mousse, with White and Dark Chocolate Ganache Glaze, Laced with Roasted Coffee Beans

The Ever Popular "White, Black, Yellow, Whatever. Just Pound Me" Cake : Chambord/Honey Soaked Lemon Pound Cake with Chambord Marinated Strawberries, Lemon Mousse, and White Chocolate Glaze, Kissed with Hazelnuts and Rose Petals.

any investor for "Raunche"? Free cake if you do.

Southern Decadence

2007-09-16T23:33:00.000-05:00

just lots of juicy pictures. maybe one day i'll tell the juicy stories too. ;-)

general gay mayhem

the gay color gaurd. what homos....

HOTT Stoli Vodka guy... this is a man i would have had no problem blowing in public on the street! since everyone else was doing it.

i find this racist... heehee.

you see one go-go boy, you've seen them all!.

hot heels!

hot tits!

participants in a little SD gay drama! wink!

now that's a fucking hott asian ass!

i couldn't help but take off my shirt and join the natives!

now who the fuck do you think is made in china?

As Far As The Edge of Heaven, As Close As In Front of Your Eyes

2007-09-13T22:56:00.001-05:00

so i know i'm due for talking about southern decadence, but i wanted to mention first though another strange occurence that happened the other day. coming home on tuesday, the 11th of september (this has nothing to do with 9/11) i found a cute little potted chystanemum plant on my porch with a little envelope with my name on it. i honestly had no idea who it was from but guessed it was probably one of my mom's realtor friends or something. can i express the shock i had when i realized that the page long typed letter inside the card was from ron... my ex-boyfriend whom i really haven't spoken to in 6 months (with one somewhat funny email hiccup a few months ago) and funny enough whom i met for the first time 11 months ago to the day... October 11th, 2006???!!!

anyways, ron wrote me a letter which basically was an apology over the issue that broke us up... but apparently he wrote it because he believe he witnessed a sign. this is the short story i'll recount now. in the weeks leading up to last christmas, i had been dating ron for about a month or two and i was in short... falling in love. i won't bore you here with waxing nostalgic and getting ewey-gooey... but basically i felt the need to MAKE him his christmas present ... something so impregnated with "the thought" of the gift that despite how it turned out, it would be undoubtedly... from the heart. i tend to do things like this i think to satiate my own need for poetic signifiers in my life i think... its like my habit of leaving somewhat personal items in beautiful scenic places where no one will probably ever find them.

anyways... i decided to make ron a pair of lamps... based on a comment he made once that he had always wanted the pair of asian themed lamps that eixsted on the show i love lucy. i spent weeks trying to design these lamps and figuring out what i'd build them out of. they eventually turned out very "crafty" looking but they were very cute.i got a pair of japanese figurines of a young asian man and woman with musical instruments. each stood on a platform i hand stained and then wired for electricity... and each lamp was topped with a little "coolie" hat as the shade. i got my Dad to hand calligraphy my favorite chinese proverb on the pair of lamps... As Far As the Edge of Heaven, As Close As In Front of Your Eyes.... being specific to him that the lamp that the young man stood on had to be inscripted with the latter part of the proverb.

the reason why this had to be, was because i wrote a short letter of love to ron, rolled it up, and stuck it inside the hollow figurine, and then glued the guy down to the base. it was to be a secret... right in front of his eyes. in the letter, i basically told ron, that if he ever read those words, despite where we were or what had happened, i wanted him to know, that i loved him with the greatest fervor i have yet to experience in my life... and that he had in short ... stolen my heart. i knew the letter may not have ever been read or read by someone who bought them at the salvation army and that was OK ... these are like the words you whisper in your lover's ear when you know they are asleep. sweet nothings.

but fate as funny as she is...decided that ron would on the 11ith of september, 2007, be cleaning his room, and accidentally knock over that lamp, break the figurine off its base, notice the little roll of paper inside its hollow body, take the note out with tweezers, read those heartfelt (yet presently non-applicable) words ... and decide it was a sign.

the best thing and the worst thing about our love was that it was as far as heaven and as close as in front of our eyes.

"August and Everything After" or "Gays of Our Lives"

2007-09-09T23:19:00.000-05:00

so i know i haven't really blogged in a while and i apologized for that, all my negative one readers, but you'll be glad to hear that it wasn't because i have had nothing to blog about ... but because i have been so busy dealing with all sorts of happenings, that i haven't had the opportunity to blog. unfortunately, the phrase... i'm busy... seems to be uttered out of my mouth with great frequency these days ... to the effect, that i feel like i am coming off as an "un-approachably busy" guy... sort of... i don't have time for my family and friends. but its HAS been a busy few weeks... seriously. but i am having a breather here, so i'm going to try to detail more or less three weeks in august in this blog... spanning roughly i think from somewhere after the great reconcilliation with esau (haha!) to my labor day weekend in new orleans for my first gay circuit party... the infamous... southern decandence!
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so anyways.. why so busy? well you know how a "perfect storm" is a confluence of storms, all on one poor spot? that's sort of what the two weeks in august before labor day weekend felt like. i was getting pulled from every single angle, and at times, i was really thinking that i had bitten off more than i could chew. for one thing, my main job, the one that actually consistently pays me, the project i spend most of my time on was ramping up for a charette after labor day weekend... but the funny thing was, despite the importance of the project, because the supervising principal was so busy himself... he really didn't do much supervising and at this stage he needed too... so all the guys working on the project... the whole two of us... usually just ME... didn't really know what to do. it was frustrating in the sense that you knew there was a lot of stuff to get done, but because there was little direction... you ended up spinning wheels a lot. whole span of days working on a particular document were just trashed because the sup decided to go in a different direction. these few weeks, i really sort of felt that "intern" feeling of being helpless to control the way a project was handled... and ergo... lose interest in really pushing it further.
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anyways... god does work in strange ways though because in a weird way, if this project hasn't sort of spun its wheels a bit, i wouldn't have had time at all for the other project that sort of came on a head on collision as well. a few weeks back, i had gotten into cohoots with a fellow co-worker about making a submission for an international urban design competition for the Hong Kong waterfront. it was really a very interesting design task and in looking back, i have no regret in doing it... however... we probably should have started some of the work a little bit more ahead of schedule. but also, in retrospect, an intense week of work really does sort of push you in trying to do the best you can... and well, in all honestly... i did think our proposal, given the amount of time we actually worked it... turned out quite nice. take a gander.
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so anyways, that submission had an upload deadline the wednesday before i left for new orleans (i left friday)... and we actually were only about an hour or so behind our proposed deadline... which is VERY good. anyways, because my real project at work was in a standstill, i was actually able to work on the technically personal endeavor during work... and i sure needed it. eventhough it was "personal" and could have been leisurely... i was mad busy all that week. part of the reason why that last week was busy with the competition submission was also because the week before i was totally busy with something else. a few weeks ago i had promised my parents to do for them a visualization of their temple project, which at the time... i knew would take a while... but man... i didn't think it would take up to 20 or so hours... spread across a week (which is a lot considering you have to also work a real job... that's like a 60 hour week... not small change).... and i also have a new client for my fledging "design" company... a client which seems to have lots of potential and really right up my alley in terms of what i can offer professionally right now... which is basically creative ideas. but all they want me to do is to rework some already drawn plans for condo units in a high rise. this might lead to a lot more... but right now its a comfortable project. it was just the timing with everything else... that made it a bit of a chore.
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it sort of blew up a little bit a few days before it all finally ended when my mom called and i dunno... was feeling pms-y and started telling me that my bad attitude of late was really "selfish". i retorted that half the things i do are because she tells me to do them and if she would only lay off a little bit, i may not be so stressed... but in all honestly i really was stressed out that week... but i guess i should have had better choice in words during that argument.... i think i kind of made her cry. i can be pretty caustic when i am stressed out... vicious really. sorry mom! oh well... hope we can all get over that one. but the week really did kind of remind me that i need to keep a check on if i feel like i am biting off more than i can chew though, as you know... eventhough it doesn't happen that often... every once in a while... a perfect storm does blow into the harbour... and i'm not a pretty person when it does... and usually my parents for some reason i feel obligated to make feel as guilty as i can because of it... i dunno why. i always feel bad about it after... but its second nature in some way. i was telling someone, maybe its a protective mechanism of sorts... so in a indirect way, my bitching about overloaded responsibility might lead to a lessening of that responsibility? i dunno.
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so enough about work work work. what has made my life truly interesting is what has been happening in my social life... my involvement in our own locally produced "Gays of Our Lives". haha! yes... so anyways... so i thought i was done with gay drama for a bit after the whole pie incident with esau and we were honestly doing just chirpy... but then... kahl, little andy's boyfriend/partner came back from London and that weekend following, i had suggested a little "tour" of chinatown for the guys... and so... i was all excited, and planned out an itenrary and even made silly little "gift baskets" in cute chinese take-out boxes with little chinese souvenirs.... it was so gay! anyways.... so i was very excited, and that day, hector and esau also came, but it was only kahl and kahl told me that andy was feeling under the weather and felt really bad that he couldn't make it.
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that day, thats all i knew personally, so i took it as that... and still had a jolly time with the rest of the boys. however, later on, i came to know that it wasn't really because andy was sick... it was because andy and kahl were having a massive argument. and eventhough i REALLY should NOT be posting this on a blog... but well... let's just say they were having a sort of a lover's quarrel that involved more than just the two of them. hmmmm.... and just think what would really make this situation a "gays or our lives" type of drama? hmmmmm..... i think one of robert's posts hints at what i so wanna gossip about, but i know i shouldn't... lest it bite me in the ass hard in the future. so yeah... let's just say that a lot was revealed in the ensuing week.... OVER EMAIL.... to people who were completely third parties... which i totally don't understand.

and that's my point... if you have a particular issue that involves only finite number and specific people... why do all of your friends have to drawn in as well?... as if you were drawing battle lines already. it just puts a third party in an immensely difficult position... one where they really don't know what to do! and what i thought was tacky was how this argument was a "CC" argument... meaning every single virtual retort was also CC'd to everyone else.... as if WE REALLY NEED TO KNOW???!! anyways... beyond that though... the whole situation also illuminated the character of some of my friends as well.... and to me... everyone in the argument itself was in someway trying to find a scapegoat... but really.... if you looked at it from an unbiased viewpoint... it was clear that there was complicity from both camps in the supposed bad thing that happened... complicity that allowed the issue to explode.... and it was funny... how the grasping for the identity of a "victim" or simply putting "more" blame on someone else was ultimately sort of a reputation self-preservation tactic in terms of the one's reputation as perceived by the eyes of third party yet mutual... friends. in the sense that whatever happended... both sides tried desperately to frame it, through selective editing or just plain lieing probably, so that they seemed like the victim. but you know... hector.... a friend whom i really have gotten to know better the past few weeks said it best.... we are all adults.... and we all can make decisions. what happened in that episode of gays of our lives was completely preventable... but apparently some of us gay men... can't live without DRAMA!

i should leave it at that. i really wanted to be uber gay and just blabber all the juicy details (drama drama!).... but on second thought... i really shouldn't leave this kind of paper trail. it wouldn't be befitting me as a friend of these imperfect people. when all the emails had settled down... i asked my parents if i should send some "sort" of reply because i felt i needed to but also did not want to seem like i was judging or choosing sides (again... the difficulty of dragging a non-involved third party into an argument... basicaly... why are you airing your dirty laundry?)... and i eventually sent out (CC of course) a short direct email expressing regret that the incident happened, and offering "empathy"... not sympathy... for those involved and expressing that it would be shame if because of the incident... "I" would loose out on friendships (the guilt trip on them i guess haha!) and that I was sure that they were doing what they needed to do to deal with it. Offering no advice or judgement and basically saying that i'm sure they knew what to do.

i think it was a good reply... i dunno. so anyways... now... its been maybe 2-3 weeks since THAT incident and well... let's just say that andy and kahl are still together but they've chosen to discontinue contact with one of the "boys" ... not me though!.... but which again... as a third party... sets up some odd situations in the future... one which is rearing its ugly head as we speak, because i want to throw another get together for viewing the delicious videos hector filmed at southern decadence... but am facing the fact that i may have to have two separate parties of sorts because some people may not come to one if the other is present. DAMN... why can't people just fucking kiss and make up! goddamn gays....

haha. and that is all i will say on that topic. anyways... what about self gossip?? haha... well... not much in terms of screwing up things with friends and sharing it with all my other friends has happened... although... i do have to say the whole pie incident with esau did have a much better ending than this last drama. and you know, the more i look back on that whole thing with esau... the more i think... that i did a GREAT job in maintaining a degree of composure and dignity in that whole incident. i think i really handled it in a MATURE way. and i hate to say it... but it was only through very cognizant thinking of what my actions would appear to be to others... that made me act the way i did. it was almost strategic! well... good going alex. heehee.

but in general, hmmm? not really all that much happening i guess. it sadly has been a really busy few weeks in terms of just work though. i haven't even really had time for any "play"... haha. but i did squeeze one or two moments in i think....like making pretty cakes! i do feel though that i am moving into another phase where i'd like to start "dating" again.... i dunno... or just getting to know some more people...expanding my friend network and such. i'm VERY glad that hector introduced me to another couple friend (i have usually no issue with couples as i find myself comfortable being the third wheel... that is if they don't make their couple-ness like some sort of badge of honor or privledge) and anyways.... they are cute (not physically haha)... but personality wise seem very warm and stable. but yeah...i also went to gay alumni ivy legaue mixer.... dragging esau as well... haha... and ONLY talking to esau there... haha... that was sort of a flop really... but oh well... at least i tried. actually that night with esau was enjoyable. ever since our little discussion about friendship during the pie incident, i think both of us have made real strides and efforts to be better friends.... which i can tell you... can only help him out right now.... ;-).

but yeah, robert is dating a guy that sounds wonderful... and i'm jealous... or is it envious? basically, i want the same "type" of thing he has... that is someone nice to date... not the specific person he's dating mind you. just wanted to make that clear ... because... well... that was exactly the problem that beseiged my little houston social circle and sent all of us silly boys barreling down the rabbit hole into Gays or Our Lives world.

sad to report... we're still in it.

next episode.... decadence at Southern Decadence... drama, drama, and yes... some more drama.

Take that white chocolate fondant ganache bitch slap, martha stewart!

2007-09-08T19:23:00.000-05:00

the most zen moments of my life of late involve two things : sex with anonymous men and making beautiful cakes. yes, i am one step closer to the one true gay nirvanah... honey, it's just a hop skip and jump from rickymartinville. since i can't post porn (i think), i'll post pictures of these cakes. they still make me hard...

"White, Yellow, Black, whatever... Just Pound Me Cake" : lemon pound cake with chambord marinated strawberry compote, glazed with white and dark chocolate, lavished with hazelnuts and rose petals

"Best 3-way Daisy Chain in My Life Cake" : Layered cake with strawberry and lemon mousse, glazed with tea infused dark chocolate

"Fuck me till I Cum Chocolate Cake" : Dark Chocolate Layer Cake with Cinammon Chocolate Mousse, Mango Filling, with Chai Infused Dark Chocolate Glaze

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i need a cigarette now.

Giving IHOP a Run for Its Money

2007-08-14T23:59:00.000-05:00

my latest thing has been baking pies. i think it might help me find a husband. haha.

Perfectly Un-perfect

2007-08-05T19:40:00.000-05:00

so i met a man this past weekend that made me, at the very least, have hope that there were still men out there that could set my heart ablaze. the beauty of the situation though, is what i have termed.... "perfectly un-perfect". basically this means, to me, any type of situation that is absolutely perfect except with a fatal flaw that pretty much determines a failure. this man i met... and spent to be honest a random, and at a drop of the hat no less, four or five hours with, most of the time sleeping... was indeed... such a perfect man. but his un-perfect-ness resides in the fact that that i really don't see much of a potential future with him... and also honestly... this fleeting moment quality of the experience would suffer if i KNEW for sure i would see him again. call me a lame romantic ... but its like those trans-atlantic flights where you meet the man of your dreams ... and in a flash of an instant, he's gone. but its beautiful nonetheless.

so how did this happen? well... i actually first kind of knew of his existence i think either a year or two ago over the summers from school. he was actually only in houston for business one weekend, and we exchanged info online but nothing became of it and i never heard from him again till now. well, i met him again thursday night while i was just surfing around manhunt to past the time (yes... i know... is it not sad that i have also found not only one, but two, boyfriends from manhunt??!! haha) and for some reason his profile caught my eye. i had this strong feeling i knew him already and it was indeed confirmed when he told me his name and where he was from and that he was in town for business again. well... i was pretty much going to bed already that night but just coyly i told him if he wanted to hang out friday night (he was leaving saturday noon), to ring me up. so i gave him my phone number.

i'll admit i sort of didn't make any plans for friday hoping that he'd ring... and also i wanted one quiet night as i had plans the rest of the weekend... but still, i was hoping a little. well friday night went and was still quiet into saturday morning and in a bout of insomnia i was just online again and well... it was LATE.... 4 AM... and lo and behold who pops up. i emailed him, really in jest and said that he was coming in late, did he have some "fun"? he said he went out with his co-workers and just got in... but what intrigued me was when he said, pretty directly... "come over" to my hotel room. haha... i thought he was joking and told him if i came over... i'd just sleep. he said, that's fine... the air conditioning was wack in his room so a warm body would be nice. so in a last minute decision, i went.

i know this sounds like my quest for love has hit an all time low, making a love drama out of such a clearly "hook-up-ish" thing that occured in a hotel at 4 AM... but hey... i tend to see things differently from most people.

the thing about this man was that he was one of those rare guys who i tend to meet maybe once or twice a year who amaze me in the sense of how much i am "immediately" attracted to them... on all levels... physical, mental, intellectual, personality, etc, etc. ron was like such a man, and even to this day, what i remember most about him, was how much i felt "chemistry" with him. this 29 yo businessman from san francisco who grew up in... guess... Nashville, TN!... was also such a man! he was absolutely adorable.... cute in a way that makes you turn twice but in not so amazing a way that its uncomfortable to look at. he has dark hair and green eyes, the manageable 5'11", in good shape, not overtly worked out but not no beer belly. he had stubble, moderate body hair, strong arms... and lets not forget.... a very nice you know what... haha. i love my "boy next door" and he fit the bill to a T. and that smile of his, dorky, but genuine... love it. and of course let's not forget what i could glean of his non-physical attributes... he was smart, articulate, affable, laid back, funny, witty, kind, gentle, sexy... etc. etc.

how can i gather this from the two hours of consciousness we shared, the majority of it being "intimate" and therefore not really speaking much of any real substance? the answer is that i can't. he may be the biggest prick... he might have been drunk and that was just in a particularly friendly mood... he might have just considered me another hotel fuck on his many business trips. yes, yes, yes. but... well... even in light of all those possibilities... i hope not partly because of them really... the man got underneath my skin. and he was a man i felt good sleep with after .... spooning. maybe that's where all this comes from... i miss it. my life of late has become a sad typical gay man's life when it come to sex... not hard to find a guy to "sleep" with.... very hard to find a guy to sleep with.

in general, i haven't felt that for someone in a while. there will be momentary attraction, hot and heavy, there will be momentary intrigue, intellectual and stimulating, there will be momentary feelings of, this is such a nice guy! but soon the realization that this will just be platonic. but every once in a while... i'll meet a man who indeed hits a chord in me, rocks my world when it happens, but like a piano string.... resonates for a bit of time, its sound an echo that reverberates in the caverns of my imagination. such was mr. perfectly un-perfect.

he is a man that i get the feeling i'll run into again ... despite his imperfections.

My Peeps

2007-08-05T19:19:00.000-05:00

its always nice when you realize that you've indeed made some real friends in a new town. ok, now i know houston's not really "new" per se to me... but i've only been REALLY living here about a year... so it is pretty new. anyways, what made me realize this was the other night when i decided, pretty much out of the blue to have another "get-together" at my house with my friends. i guess this old house of mine needed to see some other people, after that whole applie pie fiasco. oh speaking about that, esau and i are really doing just dandy right now. i mean, the way i see it now, is that are relationship is like that volcano krakotoa... most of the time its just a beautiful tropical island... but once in a while it gets ugly... but the thing is... if it didn't happen, the whole world would probably just explode from all the tension. so, as good of a way as it can be... i think esau and i's relationship just needs to boil over once in a while or two. not to justify anything that caused it of course... but well... i've realized we have to be "flexible" with our friends... not being a doormat or not expressing our dissent to their views... but flexible in the idea that everyone is a amalgam of different characteristics... and well, we still have to take them as a "whole".

so anyways, i felt like sharing my latest culinary infatuation.... quiches. so i baked up basically a "meat-lovers" quiche and a vegetarian option and i also made a beautiful cake, that i think sammy might even proud of... evnthough the cake bread was box cake.... but the "recipe" was my creation.. in the sense i took the butter pecan cake and decided to add banans to it, and layer it with banana puree and jam with sugared walnuts. FABULOUS!

it was just a lazy tuesday night and the guys started coming over. dinner went off without a hitch and even esau complimented the cake. he to be honest, has been VERY nice lately. i think his own sources reaffirmed that whatever the situation he took... his reaction to the apple pie was indeed.... rude. so i think eventhough he can't say i'm sorry... he's trying to make amends of some sort. so... after dinner and dessert esau brought this fun game over called catch-phrase... so the seven of us... esau brought his friend andy, a gregarious when drunk big black man (not the andy of the british couple.. who is a white twink waif haha) and i also brought favio.... the guy i had a date with a few weeks ago that didn't get me laid, bought the guy was nice and so i invited him over. it was a VERY fun night... and i hate to say it... but in a very adult mature way. i mean of course, we talked shit and were gross and explicit.... but hey we're gay men. the thing i am pointing to, is that it wasn't like college where people just got drunk and dumb. everything was very fun and laid back and not out of control.

i was talking to hector though that for "southern decadence" or something... i would like to re-visit one of those experiences of getting completely piss drunk with lots of other piss-drunk people... haha. things to do (again) before 30! haha.

so yes, the game was very fun. it basically entailed teams of people trying to guess a word that the machine spouted out by the explication of the person who got that word...except you couldn't use the word. it was very fun to play the game with two british people and a guy who had just started speaking english two years ago. later in the game, being gay men of course, we decided to get a little creative and made up our own words... mostly all sexually indicative... stuff like "felching" or "double dicking" ... come on you know what that is!. haha... it very very haha funny.

anyways, long story made short... it was a great time with friends. and it was a nice feeling to feel like there were a group of people that shared their lives together. i know sometimes i can come off as being so independent or aloof as to not REALLY care about friends... but i dunno, i've always have had a nugget of insecurity when it came to friends so i think the aloofness was a self-defense mechanism. but a few things over the past few weeks have shown that i have made an effect on the people around me and that they do think of me in many situations. even esau, as hard-ass as he is... hector was saying that i should take it as a good thing, that he was so dramatic about the situation to begin with... meaning he cared enough to make a big deal about it. i'll take that.

i was upgrading the photo frame that encased the picture of us from andy and kahl's dinner party almost a month ago and as i looked at the same photo with a nice frame around it, centered on my entry console's top... it occured to me that these were... in general... pretty good guys. everyone with their own quirks and things of course... and there is and always will be a bit of back talking and stabbing maybe haha.... but isn't that just human nature. none of us are saints... and to be honest... i wouldn't want a saint as a friend..... BORING. haha.

Only the Best Bottoms Make it to the Top

2007-08-02T17:51:00.000-05:00

so every once in a while, i like to revisit the topic that it seems every gay man feels like he “should” wrestle with. am i a “top” or a “bottom”? my canned answer has usually been … why even bother, that is such a “straight, heterosexist” framing of the question. but of course, this is just an attempt to nullify the question in hopes that “questioning even the question” would bring some more supposedly useful discussion on human nature… usually though it doesn’t, or hasn’t in a while. it seems as we get older as gay men, our roles, and even our belief in the black and white dichotomy of those roles become even more solidified and hard-wired and we perceived them as even more “natural”, that is being a “top” OR a “bottom”… despite the apparent prevalence of this supposed power called “versatility”. of course, i think the reason that “versatility” seems attractive is because its non-commital … and gay men having an inherent phobia of commitment, its understandable that everyone would “want” to be “considered versatile”… even though they’d been fucked just once, hated it, and professed never to do it again (and therefore they can technically say they are versatile… or at the least, a permutation going by the name “versatile top”)… and vice versa for those who have topped only once. just a side thought, i wonder if this follows the same debate on “bisexuality” (i put it in quotation marks because everyone knows bisexuality doesn’t exist as its just the stop before Gaytown)
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i mean, being in houston for about a year, and getting to know a handful of gay friends in the process, friends that i might add seem all to ready to “talk about sex” (just in general of course… i don’t feel the need to go into detail about my friends’ real sex lives).. i get the impression that there are a lot more zealous “tops” around me than i would have first expected. in my handful of friends and acquaintances, i would venture to say that at least three out of four of them are professed tops… in the fashion that i just expressed before… oh i tried bottoming once, but i hated it, so i’m never doing it again (unless its with my husband or something like that). now this is strange, as common gay culture suggests that the distribution of tops and bottoms should be the opposite… that is, its rare to find a real top, whereas bottoms are a dime a dozen. so i wonder where is this disjuncture coming from? is it just geographical, this “image” of texas boys being all macho and therefore… tops? or is it really in the end… just “image” in general? bottoms are “this” way, “tops” are that way so if i wanna be a certain way, i need to be a top or bottom? or is it something less self-forced than that, which i like to believe is my situation, that “preference” is really more dictated by just experience instead of “pure” preference as in… if i had a top and a bottom before me, equally attractive and desirable… which one would i go for? instead, it’s the simple fact that i’ve bottomed more than i’ve topped… so which one would i experientially be more aware, maybe comfortable, in? so its not preference at all… simply experience. then the question is, when does repeated experience become a recognizable pattern and then habit and then preference?
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this 3 to 4 distribution is also curious from the opposite end, that is the receiving end, haha, as it seems also that the remaining one out of four friends i have who are “professed” bottoms, now some how share a secret “brotherhood of the minority” with me… because of course, somehow i’ve been placed on the bottom side of that equation. my one friend, andy… who IS the bottom in a couple, makes comments like… i’m so glad someone here understands me… and gives me looks of knowing when speaking about the mysteries of bottoming … which i have to say, “tops” seem completely… completely … loss on. i mean… do you REALLY think my shit factory just naturally stops in anticipation of you entering me?? to be blunt…
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i’ve always been the type that HATES other people defining me before i feel like i’ve defined myself. ultimately i think i hate it because people, in their need for efficiently categorizing other people, use dichotomies like tops and bottoms to assume things about people and to pass fast judgments and therefore not have to really get to know the person. there’s a good personal example of this happening a few weeks ago, when during a dinner party, in jest and “shooting the shit”… the general group conversation was beginning to paint me as the biggest bottom in houston… the other four tops in the room all wide eyed and curious…. as if they had NO IDEA what bottoming was about… and dear andy nodding and re-affirming my impressions of bottoming. it was all funny and everything and i’m not at all taking it in a seriously negative in any way… but it made me wonder… why is it so much easier to understand people as either TOP OR BOTTOM… or why is it so hard for people to accept varying degrees of VERSATILITY… as just that… versatility?
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of late, this question has re-surfaced again poignantly because the last two guys i have had a little “fun” with, were supposed “tops” but when everything was said and done… they were the ones ending up on their backs. now granted, the first guy was very straight-forward about being versatile and open to “whatever” but when things were going down .. it did strike me as odd about how quickly he wanted to get fucked. i mean, 30 seconds of rubbing his ass and he was face down in the pillow guiding the shuttle bay into the landing dock, so to speak. he also returned the favor afterwards, further giving me hope that there actually is something called versatility out there… but still… let’s just say it was a less common experience for me to be so automatically the TOP. enjoyable nonetheless but in the fashion of, say a new ice cream flavor that has to grow on you… but has the potential to be a favorite flavor… once you “learn” to appreciate it… kind of like coffee? now with the second guy, it was my first experience in maybe hmmm… years? (oh wait, there was that one guy a few months ago who ended up wanting to get fucked even though we didn’t plan it) of actually REALLY being the TOP. and what was funny was this guy was calling himself a top as well, but as he said it…. “a nice dick is a nice dick”. having sex with this guy was a lot of fun, and i have to admit, that while it was going on… i had a somewhat surprising revelation that… i really enjoyed topping (him i guess).
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i mean for a long while, i had basically decided that instead of pushing this ideal-ness of versatility i should simply submit to the “popular” notion of being a top or bottom… and then just negotiate each individual occurrence on its own basis… that is.. in general i bottom, but once in a while i top… which is the truth… therefore i am a versatile bottom… haha. however, maybe its just the summer heat making me dizzy… but what if… i decided to simply start from the other end… and tell myself… and others… that i am a top that sometimes bottoms… to be a turncoat and see things from the other side for a while. to actually consciously choose sexual partners that are bottoms and who expect to be fucked. if nothing else, i figure… practice makes perfect… and to be a “better” top one theoretically needs to top more… right? i have to admit it is my secret, or not so secret, goal to be absolutely versatile. i think its all the porn i watch where those talented versatile seem to be able to both fuck and be fucked at the turn of a dime and of course… the true test of versatility… the “daisy chain”…. or the “meat in a sandwich.” haha. maybe one day. so that is my current modus operandi of late…. to.. however self-forced and artificial… to “act” as if i were a top… solely for the goals of scientific investigation of course… i don’t mind really what side i might eventually pan out on… if i have to that is. as i respect both bottoms and tops and think each has its own talents and just because one is getting fucked, is one in ANY way losing “power” of sorts… and vice versa.
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i think that’s what the beauty of versatility is. you end up appreciating both sides of this story… and this egalitarian view has always appealed to me. and like the title of this post says… ONLY the BEST bottoms, make it to the TOP.
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and vice versa.
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One Step Forward, Two Steps Back, One Step Sideways, and do the Hokey Pokey

2007-07-27T17:07:00.000-05:00

so probably the most interesting thing that has happened this week, prior to what promises to be a fantastically amusing weekend… not… was the cumulating drama of the of late altercation between my friend esau, and i. it sort of got a kick off start last weekend really when andy came back and immediately was bombarded by esau’s attempts to showcase his side of the apple pie drama first (despite saying “we should keep it between us”). anyways, poor andy really had to get from both ends, but i hope i was at the very least less demanding than esau… having not said anything directly to andy until andy came to me. of course, i find it amusing though that andy automatically felt the need to play conciliator but in retrospect, i’m glad he did, otherwise my friendship in esau would have simply just ended, knowing my swift method of dealing with conflict… nullifying it basically.

however, the crescendo to the moment really was sort of esau’s doing i have to say. i am not sure when it happened but one day he wrote a particularly, i thought, nasty little email to me telling me how childish i have been not speaking to him, and that now he needed to put an end to it, because it was overtly affecting our mutual friends. the wording of his email was quite emotional i thought… phrases like “if i had known our friendship was so weak… i wouldn’t have invested so much time in it” i found somewhat displeasing. the tone of the email was overtly hostile and demanding… things like “the decision to continue our friendship is getting to the point where it is no longer in your hands”. anyways… i didn’t respond to the email immediately but let it simmer in my head. i talked to mei about it later that day and basically shared with her my intention to simply cut it off… since from the email, it was obvious he didn’t want to be friends anymore either. i was about ready to write back a snippy email to the effect of… well, great, “its out of my hands”, thank god… you can be the one to walk away!

however, i also talked to andy and he told me that i should really try to “talk” it out. to be honest, i wasn’t really convinced until he had said… do you really want to feel like there is someone “out there” really harboring bad will towards you? i dunno, i think i have pissed off enough people, like ex-boyfriends, and stuff that i’m already bearing my fair share of bad karma…. so i don’t really need anymore. haha… i dunno, for some reason that clicked for me… and even though i made it clear that i had no expectation to be “friends” with esau… he at the very least… deserved for me to simply “talk” with him about it. i still respected him enough for that.

haha… so i wrote an email… very diplomatically i thought thanking him for the “time away”… completely ignoring his angry email… and simply saying we should meet and talk the next night. he wrote back a little later…one word…. “NO”. haha… i’ll be honest again… when i read that, i was actually relieved… thank god, another uncomfortable situation averted! now i can discontinue my friendship and not feel guilty that i didn’t take the “high road” or whatever… i offered to talk, he declined. however, all he said was “No” … he wasn’t able to meet at the place and time i suggested. he later wrote another email saying he wanted to go to another place. whatever i thought… i can talk anywhere.

a little back and forth later, and andy offering his place as a “neutral ground” (he really is a good little guy), we ended up meeting in a coffee shop. a little before, i was talking to robert for a bit and getting his low-down on it. i’m glad i did as well, because basically it just reminded me to try not to be to confrontational, stick to my own personal emotions, and not to make judging statements about the other, trying to stick to specific “grievances”. so finally esau arrived and we basically got down to the nitty gritty pretty soon.

the conversation was fairly brisk actually, lasted about an hour, and pretty much half way through we had established already the central idea of the conversation, which was later just repeated in various ways. no raised voices, no broken plates. actually, after it was all over, i just felt a slight tingle of regret and sadness… a sadness you get when something you’d rather not happen does, but you know that you’ve tried your best and it just isn’t gonna work. a sadness from a bit of feelings of unfairness of life i guess? anyways… we shared each other’s grievances and the funny thing i realized, or we realized, is that i think we were both feeling exactly the same thing… we felt we weren’t getting out of the relationship what we put in. from my angle, i feel i try so hard to be a fun friend, good, considerate, etc… and i expect that much as well… and from esau’s end he feels he puts in care and consideration and he expects the same. we realized we both wanted the same thing really…. but through layers of mis-interpretation, not being on the same wave-length, what have you… we were completely misreading each other. however, what was sad about the conversation, was that we also decided that maybe we were just two very different people… and well… we should be OK with that. maybe there was a limit where we as friends could grow and the more we pushed against each other to “grow more”, the more we would just piss each other off.

i totally bought this idea personally. and i told esau, friendships are always works in progress, not always lineal or incremental, and i felt well… like we had taken a step back. esau agreed but also added that he thought we had gone as far as we had gone. i didn’t argue with it but didn’t really know what to feel about that assertion. in some ways though, after we both expressed that… at least on my end, i felt a weight lifted…. like finally… i don’t “have to” feel bad that i might have pissed off esau or that he could be so disappointed in me because… well, we have come to the conclusion we were so different… and that is… OK. OK… sometimes the best we can do.

we left on as good of terms as any i guess. that evening though, something in my subconscious made me feel i needed to add one more comment to the mix. esau had mentioned that he was having some health issues and that his main complaint was that he was feeling i was “pulling away” from him as friend, and selectively to him because he felt i was still active in other people’s lives… and maybe in some strange response, his outbursts were odd ways of “forcing” me back into his life. i wanted to address this statement and the next day i wrote a simple email saying that 1)… he could always ask me for assistance and that i would not ever turn him away…. i caveated it though by saying that he probably had a good idea of what type of support i may be better at than others. and 2), i told him that if he felt i was pulling away from him, and him specifically, to please consider the various reasons which i then enumerated that the intention of consciously “not wanting” to be his friend was never there. i spoke about my core personality of being independent, of valuing “me” time with passion and my ever growing busy schedule… all things that take physical tolls on the time i spend with friends… but all things i cannot help. in much the same tone of the previous nights conversation, i spoke these things not to justify his disappointment over my action or un-action… but to “flesh out my character… who i have always been and will always be”… and to ask him to be… OK… with that.

i concluded my email simply saying that i do value his presence in my life, because i believe that our paths converge, diverge, and cross… all for very good reasons.

i believe that that email hit a chord in him as he wrote back an equally sincere letter. it was cute. i wouldn’t say we’re the best of friends again (like we ever were haha) but at least the next day when we went to a comedy show together with hector… it didn’t feel weird. it was OK.

Chemistry

2007-07-22T21:15:00.000-05:00

so today's topic is about dating... again. sorry, i've noticed in my life that my dating "seasons", when they actually happen, happen all at once. maybe its just because i'm very pro-active about it, signing onto silly dating sites and looking under every rock for a potential date. alas, its not finding a date this time around that has proven to be particularly difficult, its finding a man that i would continue dating.

i've already mentioned to you this guy named robert that i was dating. last i left off, i believe i had emailed him something to the effect of "let's just be friends". he actually replied and said, somewhat convincingly, that he felt the same way and that he was open to being friends; i haven't heard from him since... but its not like i was trying too hard either. with robert, in similar fashion to last year's derrick, a lot of the things were there but there was just no sexual chemistry... ie... i wasn't really attracted to him.

this week i went on two dates, one that was a date #2, and another that i sort of just randomly landed upon, chatting to this one guy online one night. so anyways, i went out with an adam (it just occured to me that my first boyfriend's name was adam... haha) and we went out to eat. but get this, well... i think the date was cursed from the get go basically because i realized that there are some pretty basic compatibility factors that are hard to ignore... one being... and don't hate me for it... socio-economic class. or in a more nicer way of saying it... lifestyle. our first date was to a museum, which was very very cool i thought, but was orginally prompted by adam basically saying he "had no money" (museum was free the night we went)... ha. well... that situation apparently wasn't any better for date #2... and well... when i suggested going to dinner to get to know each other more.... i basically ended up saying... well, tell you what... my treat. hmmm... not that i have something against paying but it was just the idea that if this was gonna go anywhere.... well... money would be an issue.

the thing about adam is that i do feel this sense of physical attraction to him. despite his somewhat rotund physique... he has a very cute face and is very affable, and everything else being normal... it would be a do-able situation for me. unfortunately... date #2 also made me realize that it wasn't only money which made a world of difference between us... but it was something somewhat related... and that i would term something like... "opportunity"... or "exposure". and i guess i got a hint of this during our museum date, but basically i think adam is just too "early" in his life for me... in a professional / occupational sense and also financial sense. hmm... he's sort of exactly like ron in the sense that i don't think either of them really knew what they wanted to do, but at least with adam... his youth could be somewhat of an excuse. anyways... i realized that because of his somewhat humble backgrounds, he hadn't been able to really expose himself to different things and gone to many places. i mean... again, he's 23... his whole life is before him. maybe in another 5-10 years he would date-able... for who i am now though. hopefully in 5-10 years, i would have liked to have made my own professional developments, if only to move up the food chain in this gay dating game haha.

so my date with adam was sort of a dud. i wonder how he felt about it though... i think he was also feeling a little out of his own league so i wouldn't be surprised if we both let this go as well. good physical chemistry and superfical personality chemistry... but not much going on just a little deeper... but there is potential... in the far future. he... he... has time.

i had a date friday night with a certain "fabio"... haha...i kid you not. i was thinking to myself... how can i date a guy name "fabio"??? thank god though he pronounced it more like favio... like fava beans. that at least sounds acceptably exotic whereas fabio just feel like i would be the silly desperate heroine on one of those sultry harlequin novels (and of course fucking hot as one!) so i met fabio while chatting online and we got to talking a little more. to be honest i did think him quite physically handsome and to be honest, i was chatting him up really more for a hook-up... but we eventually got to "real" talking and he was saying some pretty neat things and so i just asked him out to see if he wanted to have dinner... and whatever might happen later, happens later.

i think the date started well... he was cute, and he didn't run the other way when he first saw me. immediately it felt like we had a good rapport and soon i realized we were actually talking ALOT and nodding and agreeing and laughing. for a little bit, i began thinking that here's a guy that might actually fit for now all of the little checks on my "list"... the all elusive "chemistry". so we talked for an hour... and then two... and then three! somewhere in the second hour, the topic of ex's came up and after it didn't really go away and persisted in some form or the other the rest of time... i was begginning to get the distinct feeling that this "date" had morphed into a therapy session instead. well... that was nonetheless interesting. i mean, seen from a more friendly perspective as opposed to the one of... damn, guess i am not gonna get any tonight!... it was a good "dinner" to make another friend. one who apparently is easy to talk to obviously... but also in his defense, it wasn't like he was constantly pushing it either... it was just "friendly" conversation... which for a hot date is the kiss of death. after 3 and half hours, i think we both decided we had enough therapy. i'll admit that when we were saying goodbyes i was still holding out that he might still wanna "come home with" (he was cute!) but the good old "hug goodbye" that i give to guys i don't intend to date... was thrown on me this time around. oh well.

i mean, i think its for the best. we've chatted a bit since then and it does seem he is truly interested in being friends...so who knows... maybe he is one of those "traditional" types that doesn't hop into bed first date and all... HA! but even if, i do think, after really thinking about it... that we also don't have that 4th dimension of chemistry... something that transcends the head, heart... hardon... trinity. god... how the hell did i get so picky all of the sudden?

so even though i had somewhat lack luster dates this week, it didn't stop me from dancing it up at south beach with andy (one half of the british couple) and get this... mei! yes... mei's first time at a homo bar! heehee.... overall... i think everyone had a blast. esau was also there, in a separate party because me and esau are still not talking and even though andy's is attempting to play concilliator to a degree... i still feel i need distance. anyways, there were a lot of beautiful men at south beach and jrs and all that.... one bartender that i just could not stop staring at... had a shaved head, black glasses, lanky tall body but nice chest. YUM!

why can't i date him?

Dinners and Movies

2007-07-17T16:24:00.001-05:00

this past week has involved a disproportionate number of, you guessed it, dinners and movies, sometimes together, sometimes not. before i get into these escapades though, i’d like to take a moment to talk a little about my job of late. i haven’t really mentioned work in a bit i realized even though it does take up half my life so to speak. the past few weeks i have been shifted finally out of the middle east to work on a transit urban design project right here in Houston. it has been a refreshing change of scenery and pace even. except wednesday night, the day before the presentation to the client, i had to pull a few more hours than i thought i would. it was symptomatic of those times in school where you think you schedule enough time to start doing say task B at about 3:00 pm, to probably get out of the office around 6 or 7 hopefully. but things play out and you aren’t able to really devote yourself to task B till like 10:00 pm… haha. procrastination, inefficiency, simply too much work? most likely a combination of all of it. good thing, this doesn’t happen often… yet. unfortunately though, my lately developing habit of sleeping at around 1:30 and still waking up at 7:30… what’s it that? 6 hours of sleep at most? … is not helping my perkiness level at work. i get by though.
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anyways, so yeah wednesday around 10:00 i was really thinking it would be a looong night. i did some of “task B” and then went to go ask the managing principal (who being a work-aholic was STILL there also working) to see what i had done so far and what suggestions he had. what he subsequently said totally made my day and it was funny how when someone says something unexpected but completely works in your favor, how quickly you support whatever he says. so he told me that basically i didn’t have to do task B because after some thought he thought doing task B would be counter-productive to the next day’s meeting. hell yeah! i was like… sure… i think THAT is a great idea…of course we don’t need it, of course it would actually be detrimental to the presentation. yes… i want to go home! even though it was relatively “early” (for me) at only 11 or so. but he said i didn’t have to do it and in a “yeah!” moment i packed up my shit and went home… to waste time before sleeping at like 2:00! haha.
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the meeting itself the next day was an interesting experience but in general went off without a hitch. afterwards, i diddled daddled a bit more back at the office but since i was about to crash from my “lack” of sleep the night before, i went home early using the ubiquitous “doctor’s appointment” … and then got home and took a quick nap… before my “date” with adam. adam is a 23 year old i’ve been chatting with on match.com and initially i was very excited to finally meet him… he had a cute face, was very personable, and despite being on the opposite (younger) “life spectrum” of me… he’s 23, i figured it might be interesting to try younger men again… as oppose to my usual interest in 30 somethings. when i first met adam (we had arranged for both us to take advantage of the free entry of the museum of fine arts and just walk around looking the exhibits… which i think is a great date!... very low key and it doesn’t “have to be” focused on “conversation”) i was thinking… he has a really cute face, but is that chrome dome a purposely shaved head or is he really prematurely balding?... and also… wow, i didn’t know he had a significant beer belly. i mean, not that i have anywhere close to the perfect body, but at least my body profile isn’t easily drawn with a compass…. haha. but you know whatever. the “date” itself was a lot of fun as i just took it as an opportunity to see the museum, which i actually rarely go to, despite being a “member”. we talked about all sorts of things which is why i think museums are good date material… there’s a cornucopia of conversational fodder. anyways, despite my initial disappointments in physical expectations, i can’t deny i had a good time and that he seemed a very attractive person in a personality sense. i wouldn’t say i would throw this one out quite yet i guess. so at the end of the museum, we could have gone for dinner or coffee or whatever, but partly bc i was actually sleepy still, i decided to call it a night… gave him a hug, and said goodbye. i do think from his end though, he also had a good time, and whatever the motives may be… he did give me a call the very next day to see how i was doing. i guess that’s a good thing right?
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i’m going to skip a little chronologically but i wanted to also talk about my other “date” this week. this would be i guess date “3” with robert, a guy i met a few weeks ago, who i have had two dinners with… both of which gave me the impression that despite enjoying robert’s company very much so… there was just no… chemistry… no real spark of interest romantically. i sometimes am amazed how the human heart works…. how is it that someone who, depending on your perspective, is very much wanting to make a “connection” with someone else… but still not able to with someone who personality wise should work? it so weird… but i guess that’s the same thing that occurred to me last year when i was dating derrick…. i mean, he had everything i think i sort of wanted… smarts, kindness, looks, funny…. but in the end…. there just was no "chemistry". and i think i’ve talked about this before… but chemistry is not “just" sexual… it’s something else about somebody you meet that makes you kind of giddy around them. with robert, i felt we could talk very easily and he’s funny and affable…. but from the get go… everything felt just “platonic”. i mean compared to adam, despite adam being a little bit out of shape, talking to him was a little mix of fun friendly talk, but also a little hint of sexual vibe and heat (not much mind you… but it was there).
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i was just on wikipedia the other day reading about the scoville spectrum that measures “heat” of peppers… from a sweet pepper that has zero heat to shit that will burn your skin just picking them up. i wonder if we could come up with a “heat” scale for dating. let’s just say that a heat index of zero (for gay relationships) would be the same as meeting a woman that you immediately like… but obviously have no “real” interest in for something more that friendship and a heat index of 10 is meeting a man you might seriously consider having the baby of even if it meant becoming a woman, since of course said perfect man was inconveniently “straight”. haha. so anyways… i think robert would be somewhere like a 2-3 and adam a 4-5.
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so anyways! i went to brunch sunday with robert and it was my idea, i emailed him about meeting up again because i was thinking i would take the opportunity to basically express to him his low heat index in my view… haha. brunch was fabulous, we went to farrago’s and had a splendid brunch and great conversation, half of it composed of me bitching (again) about esau horrid behavior earlier in the week. and it was in general just a very enjoyable time that i think the idea of saying “i think we should just be friends” would have completely ruined it. so like a wuss, i did it later that day via email. i tried to phrase it as diplomatically as possible saying i did have a very good time, that i just didn’t feel a romantic connection, but i was sincere about extending an offer of friendship… which was all true. its just that the fact that i have no balls is also true. oh well… i have yet to receive a reply to that email but its only been a one day. sometimes i wonder though, if maybe, in light of the paucity of dates i am having, maybe we should just “string some out”… haha… nah… ultimately i do believe its better to be single than dating a person you aren’t really all that into it for real. i just wish that more people would be cool with being just friends even after being told… “ i think we should just be friends”… or is it the people who say it… that should be more serious about what they say?
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so haha… i haven’t really talked much about dinners or movies yet have i? well, the reason i titled this entry as such was basically because over the weekend, i watched three movies, one on every weekend night. friday my folks came into town and i had dinner with them and then watched “transformers” with them. it was actually an entertaining movie despite it being a little difficult to suspend the disbelief factor when 5 story tall robots were battling each other, causing it to rain shrapnel and buildings, and nobody seemed to be getting killed or injured. and even building themselves also seemed particular resilient to these heaps of sentient metal climbing and jumping on them.
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my second movie of the weekend was harry potter with hector. hector had emailed me earlier in the week asking me if i wanted to go. i accepted knowing full well that esau was probably going to be there as well… so i was thoroughly surprised when he wasn’t. unfortunately he did show up for dinner after the movie. the movie itself was just ok in my opinion…. i think i chalk my less than enthusiastic appraisal of it to my not having really followed any of the books… it just felt the movie was attempting to squeeze in everything and a lot of small sub plots, introduced, were not re-solved and that all the characters except harry, were making but cameo appearances. i dunno… anyways, back to the real world and meeting my new arch nemesis… esua. haha. well, let’s just say dinner wasn’t itself particularly uncomfortable… me and esau basically just took turns talking to hector more or less. i actually think hector enjoyed the attention. haha! but me and esau basically made like only two comments to each other and when hector was away in the restroom, we didn’t say anything to each other.
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i have come to the conclusion as of now, that i basically need time away from esau… maybe just to “cool down” from what i felt was a rude attack on me… or just to sub-consciously process the question of if i want to continue being esau’s friend… and if so, to what degree. i just know that right now, i don’t feel particularly comfortable with him and if i hung out with him and another similar occurrence happened… it might just permanently damage what salvageable friendship we have now. i have always considered esau a “good” friend… but sometimes, there comes a threshold where i think actions (especially repeated) speak louder than words... or concepts… or supposed “loyalties”. anyways… he called me next day and asked me “how long this was going to go on”… i simply said, i need time apart, and i will get back to him. simply short and sweet. i don’t feel the need to argue… to “talk it out”… i simply want to be alone… something that accomplishes the dual purpose of allowing me time to “decompress” but also in another way, maybe shows esau that when he tramples over people… they can choose to not take it anymore… and just leave… possibly making him rethink the way he does things… maybe. it will be interesting i think… figuring how to fill up my time w/o esau and his escapades.
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well, there’s always low “heat-index” dates… haha. or actually no there isn’t. if robert never calls me back… i prob have only two more dates with adam before i give him “the” email… haha. there is one other guy who could be the best potential so far… and in a funny way, the best way i can describe him is basically as a younger ron… he’s 28 i think, and tall (6’3”), white, and very east texas. haha… we’ve exchanged a few phone calls but connecting via phone only has proven to be a challenge… so i dunno how meeting in person will work out. if something happens, you know where i’ll report it.
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anyways, the last movie i saw over the weekend was late sunday night with mei. i met up with her and we went to go see a movie called “license to wed” which was pretty low-key, humorous… but nothing particularly noteworthy. i think i’ve seen enough movies…. at least till next weekend.
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Odds and Ends

2007-07-08T21:42:00.000-05:00

hey guys, so this post is going to be all over the place. i just wanted to mention some of the various highlights of the past few weeks before they disappear into oblivion. so... lest i digress... here we go.
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a few weekends ago, i went to not only my first pride parade in houston, but in all truth and honesty, my first pride parade at all. and it was in general a fun evening i have to say. now, the houston pride celebration's hallmark is that its a night parade, due to the fact that when it all started, people realized real quick that a day parade in houston's june heat... well, somewhat of a drag to gay mirth. anyways, after doing odds and ends at home for most of the morning and afternoon that saturday, i finally met up with esau and hector to go see the parade. we were planning on going to the "festival" before hand but the weather wasn't really cooperating... and we just hoped that the rain would let up for the actual parade... which it did. you see... God loves his little gay children too... ha.
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the time before the parade actually started was a little annoying... crowds, and nothing really to look at. but once the floats started rolling by, and mardi gras "beads" were being thrown everywhere.... well, it was really fun. i guess it was my little taste of mardi gras as well, another urban festival i have yet to partake in. haha, i did get a little excited i have to admit trying to catch all the beads being thrown in my direction.... after an hour or so, i had gotten a nice little collection. bead collecting was i have to say really the only part of the parade that was fun... the float themselves were really nothing to note... except for the "asians and friends" "float".... a group of older bearish white men... and one asian... all dressed in these huge white boxes resembling chinese take out boxes... with little "coolie" hats. haha... thank god everyone was in a good mood... otherwise.... this little spectacle i have to say bordered on being somewhat racist... for the imagery, but also for the fact that there were mostly only "Friends"... and hardly any "Asians". Haha... gay culture and race relations as usual. what can you do? :)
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after the parade ended, our little party went asian as well... for a late meal that is. we went to "hollywood"... the vietnamese/chinese staple in montrose. the meal was typical except for our encounter with "star"... another example of the species fagus hagenisis tour de force. she came up to our table, slid into the booth ever so nicely and began chatting us up. eventually we found out that she was the fag hag of the uncle of the 16 (yes, i said 16) year old gay boy that was eating with her and that said “child” thought esau was the hottest thing... so “star”, came up and chatted us up to see if esau would want to say hello and take a picture or what not. ha.... this would have been fine, except star also felt the need to justify her "straightness" by enlightening us with her previous forays into beaver munching. ok... yeah... so last season o?. strangely enough, esau played along... and when “star” asked for our number so that she could "hang" with us later... esau told hector to give his. in a classic move, hector whips out his cell phone, looks at it briefly, and then gives "his" number. later we find out hector did a quick one, two and gave esau’s number to “star”. haha.... classic. i love it. i would not have been so quick i have to admit.
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we finally got rid of “star” and the 16 year old youth… but i am glad he was coming out and enjoying his first pride... because the way he looked and carried himself... he really didn't have a choice to "not" come out in my opinion... haha. yeah. so after hollywood we traveled to "south beach"... the houston one and the only "typical" gay dance club. south beach honestly was a lot of fun. we met up with andy and kahl ... a british couple we've been getting to know, who are really cool in my book. andy likes to dance so he and esau and i went to south beach and boogied the night away... while kahl and hector being alcoholics went to JRS and a few other bar joints. all in all, the evening was great fun... music rocked at south beach, and i have to admit.. the rihanna song... i'll be your umbrella... was rocking! haha. even got hit up once or twice dancing around, and like the fool i am, ran the other way. good times good times! before you know it, it was 4 am, and for us old 28 year olds, time to go home. it was a great pride!
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a little after pride, we got to get to know the "brits" a little more when they invited us for a nice little dinner at their memorial area townhome... which was very "nice". i saw it once before and it indeed was a "sale-able" house.... lots of beige and classy "european" furniture. yeah... i would add a little color... but that's me and "my" taste. anyways.... andy is classic british but his boyfriend is british indian... interesting couple. andy is the breadwinner and kahl is "studying" and otherwise the house-husband. andy is the bottom, kahl is the top.... god... what a delicious couple! haha. anyways... kahl was making an "indian" dinner... which was fabulous. dinner was great and company and conversation equally entertaining. however, for some strange reason, i was somehow being painted more and more as the "biggest bottom slut" as dinner progressed. now... there is some truth to that.... but come on... i'm NOT THAT BAD! haha. all in good fun though.
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there was an interesting piece of drama too that sort of simmered that evening as well. this drama was between esau and a certain guy named molte... who although i've known him for a few months now, i don't think i have ever mentioned him. anyways, the 411 is that he's a german foreign worker employed by siemens i think, anyways, he lives at esau's apartment and for a few months was totally pining after esau. esau in his classic fashion of being an attention whore just "kept him on the line" so to speak. poor molte... honestly. i think eventually molte gave up and was satisfied with just "friend" status. anyways... molte at the time of the dinner was just about wrapping up his houston experience, his company moving him now to north carolina. a few nights before the brits dinner, we were all invited to another party and later on decided to go see a movie. in some strange exchange of words, molte was originally suppose to come but then had a fall-out (again) with esau (esau if i haven't mentioned can be VERY difficult... as he was this night that i am writing this, i'll talk about this later). anyways... molte basically left it in the sense of saying that he was tired of this shit from esau... which this evening i completely understand. molte didn't come with to the movies obviously.
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fast forward to the dinner, molte was also invited... and although not very perceptible (because all the attention was apparently orientated at me)... molte and esau said NOTHING to each other. oooh.... gay drama. anyways... molte's last week in houston, i was finally able to actually hang out with him a bit more and, even though i have to say i've always liked him in an "acquaintance" kind of way... i was saddened somewhat that he was leaving and we wouldn't be able to be "real" friends. oh well.
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just a little comment though about my friend esau. he's my "oldest" friend here in houston... but he is an amazingly trying friend... at times. i know he is a "good" guy inside... but his sense of inadequacy and insecurity have a way of transforming into the snidest manifestation of queeniness and petulance. its really unfortunate... and most of the time, i feel like i am very relaxed about these outbursts, because i know he has been "there" for me and i know he has the capability of really being nice. but this evening, i apparently couldn't deal with it. a little digression...
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so i invited the "guy" to share an apple pie that i had baked last night and to watch a movie at my house... low key, just fun get-together. the evening started allright until i served the pie. esau apparently made it known that "i knew" he didn't like chocolate and questioned why i added chocolate to the pie. i know i have a faulty memory sometimes and if i was suppose to know he didn't eat chocolate, i apologize for the fact and offered him some alternatives. in typical esau fashion he accepted everything half heartedly and in my opinion, was just being a rude ass about the whole thing... in my house. and then we started watching a film.... and after an hour of "trying it out" i say that this really isn't my type of film, try to excuse myself graciously, suggesting the other two (hector was there as well) just continue watching it and i'll go and keep myself occupied. esau INSISTS that i watch it and pauses it while i try to keep busy with cleaning up. he was in full force... and honestly... i had a long day... i didn't need this shit. i told him he was pissing me off, that i didn't appreciate his snide attitude about the pie and that i did not purposely make a pie "i knew" he wouldn't like... despite his belief that I KNEW he didn't like chocolate... and that i was not going to sit through a movie i didn't like... JUST BECAUSE HE SAID SO. i find it simply insulting that his belief that “i knew” he didn’t like chocolate was basically insinuating that i made on purpose a pie he would not enjoy… he simply accused me of being petty and mean… which i am far far from when i am making a pie, spending time and energy, hoping my friends will like and at least somewhat appreciate it…. and to think he’s constantly accusing others of being non-appreciative of what he does.
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you know... i really do consider myself a patient man. i will let attention whoring people have a little say in having the world revolve around them... because i know thats how they need to perceive it that way in order to be the "best" they can be. but i am NOBODY'S doormat! after saying that they were welcome to continue watching the video but it was not my liking and i had better things to do, esau got up and left. and honestly... thank god he left... because that film was HORRENDOUS! you see the core of it is... esau needs to control the people around him and feel like he is the center of everyone's social relations and that it would not exist at all without him. be that true or not, that is no excuse to make me feel like crap because i somehow insulted him in some way. Esau’s greatest modus operandi is the guilt trip, because he is of course above all that pettiness.
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bullshit.
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so anyways... that was this evening... but going back to what i was describing before, the brits dinner was thoroughly enjoyable. a week or so later, i felt the need to repay the favor and invited the same crew (plus some "friends" who were visiting esau) to a pre-fireworks July 4th dinner at my house. a little last minute, and originally suppose to be "low-key"... but come on who am i kidding? i woke up that day and the first thing i did was look up a new napkin folding technique and setting up the "dining room" table for a party of eight. haha. classic alex. later that evening i whipped up haute cuisine sloppy joes (the spicy blackberry ribs shredded and served on buns), a roasted spice pork shoulder, corn on the cob, mash potatoes ala esau, plus these meat pockets that he also brought. i also whipped up an interesting stewed tomato, okra, and roasted red peppar compote with orzo for andy... who is a vegetarian. dinner in general was great, although doing "plating" service...a first for my parties... was a little crazy... just getting use to it that's all. mei was there actually so she was a great help. at first, i have to be honest i was a little trepidatious with her being with the "boys"... she was the only girl and she was also the only "straight" person there... but you know what... she was great! i think she was amused by all our gay mirth and had a good evening overall.
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another moment of "hmmm"... just happened. so my cousin JUST called me... or actually writing this journal made me want to call her and ask her about the apple pie i dropped off at her place this afternoon. she said it was ok but was a little surprised by the cinnamon in it. oh well... THEN she asked me if i was "like" my friends... or... aka... are you gay? haha. oh my! an interesting conversation ensued but overall it was good. in the end, i basically just said that yeah i was... most of my friends were gay, we have a good time as friends, and the only reason she doesn't know or i didn't tell her was because my parents made the explicit statement to not tell her... years ago. but she's completely cool with it and made the typical "straight" remark... are you a "man" or "woman"? haha! yeah... she's a straight girl oh my! the conversation ended with her saying that she wants to go clubbing with us next time we go to south beach... and she likes my friends... and sometimes her friends are a little boring, so if nothing else, at least she could spice up her own social life. you know.... these are the moments when i have to thank esau.... he said, i think you under-estimate your cousin. and yeah... he's right. i'm pleasantly surprised by what just happened.
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ANYWAYS... so my little july 4th party was absolutely fabulous. dinner was itself fairly brisk but very much enjoyable. esau brought a friend of his from NYC, robert... who was one of the biggest flamers i've met... but in a completely non-queeny way. he was lovely. and an alcoholic with the red wine... but all good. after plating dessert with quick glaze i made with mixing grape jelly with water (it worked great!) and some flared strawberries, we had a little more convo. then everyone car-pooled to downtown and we watched a great show on the bayou park. after the show, we came back, and chatted some more, had more drinks, just had a good time. six fun gay men and a straight girl... guess mei wasn't as oblivious as i may have thought about how gay the evening was. it was good 4th! too bad it was in the middle of the work week and i had to go to work the next day.
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and i had a date the next day. i went out with the guy i went out with a week and a half ago...and was suppose to do date number 2 if i hadn't thrown my back out. this was date two... and just as i feared... i think he's a great guy but there just not really any "chemistry". i mean, he started letting his gaurd down a little and acting out some of his quirks... which were cute... annoying... but cute and real. but still... no real va va voom... so to speak. i'm afraid i'm gonna have to suggest we just be "friends". oh well.

finally, the last thing i want to mention if how i finally checked off one of those "crazy" things i wanna do before i turned 30 kind of things... skydiving. i originally got the idea that that was how i wanted to celebrate my 28th... three months of waiting for esau's rare weekend off days... and we went on 7-07-07. how lucky huh? mei also came with us as well... another one of my concerns before because i had suggested to both mei and esau to come with but was thinking i might have to do it separately... i do under-estimate her. i was pretty psyched... and the excitement made the two hour wait somewhat bearable. and i really wasn't nervous at all... when we finally were getting ready... i didn't feel any hesitation getting suited up, getting on the plane, watching the ground disappear above the clouds. the final moment of like.. "what the fuck" was watching esau and his tandem guy jump out and IMMEDIATELY disappear into a tiny fleck, and my tandem guy edging me to the edge of the plane but facing the propellers... OH MY GOD! just the vertigo was crazy and the immediate rush of the air throwing into your face free falling... absolutely crazy! all i remember was the constant force of air being slammed into my face...making it difficult to breath... impossible to scream because air was being slammed into your mouth... and why would i scream anyways? my ears were completely depressurized or whatever and i was deaf. somehow i came to my senses and realized if this feeling was gonna be the whole way down i better calm down before i start hyper-ventilating. so i calmed down and somewhat enjoyed the fact i was free-falling to my death... haha.
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then the guy on my back tapped my arm telling to check the altimeter as i was approaching 6000 feet and then to pull the cord for the parachute...whoosh. and then it was cool as we glided down to the ground, doing little swoops here and there and just looking at the crazy vista of being 1000s of feet in the air. it was absolutely exhilerating! absolutely.
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i purchased my second jump right after... it was a great deal anyways... as opposed to the ridiculous $200 i popped for a minute or two of crazy fun. haha! good times good times.
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i like to see my life through signs... jumping out of an airplane made me see the world in a different way... having my cousin ask me about my sexuality made me see her in a different way... and unfortunately, standing up for myself and refusing to be forced to feel like i so wronged someone, made me see a "good" friend in a different way. life is a series of these quick moments that flash before your eyes isn't it?
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Baby Got Back...

2007-07-01T19:16:00.000-05:00

... got back into dating that is.

so yeah, after what...now 3 and a half months or so?... i just went on my first real date with a new guy since breaking up with ron. haha, guess i have to admit i am itching to get back into the game. not necessarily for anything serious as i psuedo had with ron, but at least for the simple thrill of the game, that is... the game of dating. anyways, so i met this guy sort of randomly on an online chat and we sort of just flirted back and forth and then he finally suggested if we should get coffee or dinner. to be coy, i asked him if he was actually asking me out. he didn't really respond directly to that, but we scheduled dinner last tuesday.

to be honest, i can't say i was super excited about it, as we had talked a few times on the phone before our date and well, to be honest, i wasn't all that impressed. but maybe for a silly reason. so the thing is... would you date a man that had a distinctly gay, in the sense of feminine, telephone voice? i mean, not that i am mr. butch or anything, but i think i don't get mistaken (that often) to be a woman. haha. oh well... i guess you can't have everything.

he was nice though on the phone, attentive, conversant... ok. maybe i wasn't in the right mood to blab but i usually cut our phone conversations short in a polite way of course. i just figured, what's the point if you haven't really seen the person in the flesh yet. in some ways, these sort of "vitual" dating avenues, like online or whatever, i think personally just as long as you have established, as best you can that is, that this person is who he portrays himself to be at least online... well... then that's all you really need to know. i mean... how "well" can you really get to know someone, even by first date standards, from a "profile" or even a "picture"? so anyways, i was looking forward to my little date, probably more for the fact i hadn't been on a real one in a while... but also to see this guy for himself too... he did seem nice.

and the date went well i have to say. and he was nice. we had a lot of conversation and there seem to be a lot of connection.... of the platonic sense though... at least from my perspective. i dunno, its hard to tell sometimes... what "you're" looking for... but with this guy i could tell i liked him definitely as a "friend"... but i was a little unsure about "chemistry". that is one thing i experienced and in some ways "learned" from ron i have to say... this sense of "chemistry". it's either there or not, even after the first meeting i have to say. the thing about this guy was that, even though i did think he was cute, articulate, socialble, etc... he didn't really seem hmmm... "passionate". now, i guess i could take the easy route and just say... well, maybe he wasn't into me, but i think it's just that he was trying so hard not to come off as a sex-crazed scumbag... that he sort of forgot to flirt.... he sort of forgot that this was... a date... not a business meeting or a college interview haha. i dunno, there just didn't seem to be any za-za-zoom, ala carrie bradshaw. oh well... it was a nice evening nonetheless... free meal... we shook hands (that a sign there)... and we said we planned to get together for a movie. this was a sincere sentiment though... i think i would like to hang out with him again... and if he is cool with being "friends" that would be great.

now, then again... i don't think i want to throw this into the "friend" bin... just yet. i'll give him another chance to sweep me off my feet. :)

baby got back.... back troubles that is.

ok, was that weak? haha. so yeah, the day after my date, i was moving some stuff in my garage and snap!, i felt a sharp pain in my mid back! oh fuck! this with my leg that's still bothering me... great! but it wasn't that bad that evening... yet. the real pain didn't start until lunch or so the next day when out of nowhere it was just like... OH MY FUCKING GOD... I FEEL LIKE I AM GIVING BIRTH IN MY BACK. Haha!

i somehow survive till i get off work but that evening, it was like.... oh my god, what is this in my back??!! and to make it more comical... i was excited that evening to make dinner for my cousin, making again the baked ribs with blackberry glaze that i sort of botched in ptown (this time it turned out REALLY good!) and some fried okra (i've lately gotten into an okra kick). i made dinner but the baby coming out of my back was sort of distracting to say the least.

my cousin enjoyed the meal and we watched a dvd together. later that evening when i was trying to get to bed, i realized that the pain was getting to be ridiculous and somehow thought it might be something like a kidney stone (because the onset of pain was sort of disconnected from the actual cause... which i later learned is pretty normal). i called my parents and told them i was in pain. it worked though... they went through their magic directory of alternative medicine and the next day i had an appointment for one of their accupuncture friends.

the next morning i had called in to work to miss half a day of work so i could go to this accupuncture appointment. when i woke up i had the feeling that it would be more than just half a day though. and yes.... oh my god... the pain. even getting out of bed sent waves of rapturous pain.... it was like a wave action boa constrictor against my ribs..... ah! and to think i actually drove half way across time to get to this appointment!

when i finally got there it was sort of funny how the only thing you can do when you are trying to be civil and polite but still in great pain...is to sort of just giggle. haha. so i giggled through my problems to the doctor. he identified my lifting the previous night as the most likely culprit and not kidney stones, as i had feared (the medical symptoms on webMD ran to the note of "the worst pain your ever had"... well this was somewhat true in my case!) he susequently began his accupunture treatment, sticking needles into my hands, which strangely enough alleviated some of the pain.... whoa. then i got on the "massage table" face down, and he began inserting the needles into my back. ok, i consider myself somewhat "ok" with pain.... when the needles were going into my right side...OMG.... PAIN! and i yelped...i really did. it was embarassing, but i couldn't help it!

long story made short, after the accupuncture i didn't really feel much better, so i went home, and my cousin came over after she got off work and she watched over me that evening and the next day. it was really nice of her actually i have to say. my parents loaded me up with tons of alternative medicines and i was forced onto a "lite" diet for the weekend...despite the fact that i had made this wonderful dish of baked ribs with spicy blackberry glaze. Argg! But you know, friday was the worst day i have to day, saturday i woke up with a small amount of pain, and as the day wore on, it pretty much disappeared. by saturday evening i was just back to normal, watching movies and cooking fabulous meals.

this was a memorable weekend. but one i'd rather not go "back" to.

Boy Who Can Sing

2007-06-25T17:04:00.000-05:00

well... his stuff is kind of cheesy. but its cute... and so is he.
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"Your Body is a Temple".. well, like duh.

"Housewife" ... this song is totally cute and yes, i wanna be an overly-educated housewife.

Summer Vacation 2007 : Dessert

2007-06-25T14:01:00.000-05:00

finally, provincetown itself! this is the third installment of the provincetown summer vacation and i have to honestly say that every single year it gets better and better, or simply, it gets more and more "unusual" and “colorful”. and what is provincetown if not a venture into the unusual and colorful? like robert says in his own blog, the year showcased a new cast of characters (quite a few this time around), and a whole new plot of gay drama. haha. fun times!
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so our little adventure started on a VERY early thursday morning, doing the usual multi modal transit to get out of new york (this is why new york is so hard to leave!). we had to subway to penn central, take the lirr to jamaica station, ride the air train to JFK, and then finally go through check in and security (and actually, even though we woke at freaking 5:30 AM... we got to the airport... "just" in time for boarding. oh well, at least the flight went off without a hitch and honestly i think i just slept the whole way. we got to logan and quickly found the first of our Ptown 07 character additions... derek (how do you spell his name anyway... whatever, this is how i'll spell it). i met derek like three years ago once when he joined robert and i for a thanksgiving dinner. it was my second thanksgiving in new jersey and it was i think one of my first real "big" culinary productions... even if it was for three people only. i remember the kitchen afterwards being an absolute mess. anyways, it was a fabulous event of course and it was great to meet one of robert's college friends.
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funny thing is, three years ago derek was "straight". last thanksgiving when robert came to visit houston, i was informed that mr. derek had decided to come out a few months before and was going through the early trials and tribulations of newbie gaydom.... i'll let your imagination go on itself here... haha. anyways, now almost a year later after his own coming out, i was curious to see what the transformation was like... although i can't really remember much about him in the first place anyways.... since i only met him for 2-3 hours that one night. ha, that could sound strange in other contexts. anyways, i'm sure he was going to be a fun addition to our ptown posse.
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we met up and then found the silver line to the sea port where we had a quick lunch before meeting up with derek's and robert's other friend.... a certain susan, whom i was also excited to see, having heard of her only vicariously. we all seemed to gel very quickly and soon enough we were on the fast ferry to provincetown. it was pretty cool, especially being able to see the vista of the city of boston from the waterside... which is most impressive i think. i will also not forget the boat going under the flight landing path as well and a jet maybe about only 200 feet above us... ha... whoa, that's big! haha.
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the ferry lasted about an hour and a half and i was trying to enjoy it as much as possible but to be honest, my lower back had decided to act up when i woke up that morning...and it was PAINFUL! i was trying not to be a cry baby but it was beginning to be excruciating! unfortunately, this pain is still with me, almost three weeks later, and its made me go get an appointment with a doctor to see what exactly is up... pinched nerve? slipped disk? i dunno... anyways, lest i digress. during the trip i had to share a little laugh with susan about the little secret about me that she knew because robert apparently couldn't keep his mouth closed about. it was a pretty much funny-haha moment between us but i wanted to clear the air, just in case robert mis-told it.... i wanted to let her know the issues from my perspective. it was all good though.
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provincetown was as idyllic as ever... and i liked susan, who being very new york, couldn't get enough of the "quaintness" of the town... which in all honestly, is very true. so we got onto the main drag and started walking towards our house that robert rented...and kept walking... and walking...and walking. i'm sure it was the exhaustion from the morning travels but the house seemed faaaaar away. but eventually we realized it was pretty allright and not really that far. when we finally got to the place though... i have to say that its fabulous definitely made up for being a little out of the way. the two bedroom joint was very nice... and the actual owners... duane and ron... man, we could just feel them there even if they weren’t... since there saccharin photos with each other were everywhere... haha. but seriously, the house was VERY nice.... it had a fantastic kitchen, beautiful views, and a rocking porch and roof deck! i knew we would have a good time at this house! with or without my painful leg that that evening started spasming... great! i think throughout the whole trip my only option was just to keep drinking to dull the pain... haha. oh well... two birds with one stone right?
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so we settled in, played with the sound system, and took a quick nap. we eventually went into town for a late dinner at that fusion place we happen to always go to every time... and guess what... for the third time, i got the fantastic gouda burger that they offered...and also a lychee martini where they gave you the shaker as well.... which in the end amounted to like three drinks... no complaints here! anyways, dinner was fabulous and company was equally incandescent. after dinner we decided to do a quick nightcap at A-House, but it was honestly pretty lame so we didn't stay too long.
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i eventually fell asleep around 4 am, after being too tired to notice the leg spasms (god... what a fucking drag for my vacation!) and i woke up lazily the next morning around 11 or noon or something. robert went out for a run (he's really into that now) and he dragged derek with him. susan had gone out for her own little exploration earlier in the morning so i found myself with the place all to myself. i decided to take a little soak in the jucuzzi tub and just in general have a relaxing time trying to ease away the leg issues. afterwards, i started my walk to the only real grocery market in provincetown. it wasn't too bad, about a 20 minute walk. for the next hour or so i was pushing my cart around the grocery market doing my little gay thing thinking of the fabulous dishes i would make that evening for a party of six (jay and hunter from the weekend before were meeting us in ptown as well... yay, more characters!). shopping was fun i have to say, and eventually i met up with robert and we took a cab back to the house. i stocked the fridge and being famished and tempted for an hour with grocery food, then proceeded to go with derek to actually have lunch.
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i'm glad i got to have a little one on one time with derek, picking his brain about what he was going through. i think the most interesting viewpoint he has is his theory of "balance" or "status quo" in the relationship game. basically, derek believes that, basically to protect oneself, and to simply play the relationship game that is , there has to be this perpetuation of a one two, one two, back and forth sort of interchange... so like if you call him (the guy you’re interested in)... you MUST wait for him to call you back....before you call him again… that way no one has a distinct advantage, or is more in control, or is compromised or vulnerable, etc. etc. so basically every action must create a reaction before it can progress further.... a particularly "reactive" methodology as opposed to "proactive".... in my opinion. but ... it was interesting non-the-less.... not sure if i'd subscribe to it.... but it was illuminating like a national geographic show.
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after lunch, i immediately started making dinner... haha. i cooked about two hours or so and actually the other guys (and gals) made significant contributions and at the end, we had a beautiful buffet to enjoy... just in time for jay and hunter. it was good to see the couple again and the rest of the weekend, they were integral in providing some of the most memorable moments of provincetown. dinner included baked fried chicken and gravy (not bad)... blackberry ribs (not all that great)... pilaf (good since it was packaged haha)... maple carrots (very nice)... green beans with asian vinagrette (pretty good).... salad with almonds and grapes (yummy) ... and sausage stuffed mushrooms (robert adored these). even with finicky eaters and all, i think everyone found something to eat and dinner overall was a success. after dinner we hung around a little, chatted, drank and then despite pleading susan to come out with us, she decided to stay in and clean.... so we "boyz" went out.
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our first stop was the "crown and anchor" which was pretty quite but the highlight was actually this little art exhibit on erotic art. We then sat on the patio underneath neon palm trees and just chatted about various topics. then we moved our little party to atlantic house which was slightly better with something of a crowd. we had a few beers and just sort of mingled on the back patio... met an interesting character we shall call "husband guy" because he was adamant about describing himself being married despite the “husband” not being in town “yet” and the fact he was being quite "friendly". well ... at least i left atlantic house that evening with the title of "asian paris hilton". "that's hot".
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you know though, i dunno if it was being in new york, or being around so many gay folk for so long, but i was feeling very hmmm... gay, during my time in provincetown. i mean, gay in the sense of being attitudy.... projecting a determined sense of fabulous-ness. maybe it was more that i felt OK to do it so i even pumped it up a little bit more... haha. love it.... dope.
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the next day was a little more relaxed. after waking up deliciously late (and also unfortuanetly missing susan's departure... bye susan... it was fabulous!) we "boyz" went to do a little walk around town, up and down commercial, prancing our goods, and looking for eye candy (which honestly there wasn't much of). we stopped in a few gay gay stores (i.e. Marc Jacobs) and finally came to lunch rest at lobster pot... the traditional restaurant of choice for robert and i in provincetown. i had a wonderful "oyster russian" appetizer and a almodine fish main course. it was very cute! after that, robert went to go meet jay and hunter at the "tea-dance” but i decided to sit that one out this time around and went back to the house with derek. we both just rested and napped and eventually I woke up and started making dinner again.... since actually i had completely forgotten to make the pasta dish i had planned for the night before. so for the second night in a row, i made dinner for “my people”. the tea-dancers came back and we had a fabulous dinner again with wonderful appetizers of cosmopolitans... which i LOVED! haha... of course, we were just trying to save money by getting buzzed before hitting the bars and clubs.
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which worked because even though i had only one beer at atlantic house... i was nicely buzzing the whole night from the five cosmos and three beers i had at the house. and even better, this night at a-house was something to write home about. the crowd was very good... and thank god... the hot boys came out. they even had a little strip tease contest and let me tell you, i know how to pick them because the boy i had my eye on... of course... won! he was a delicious little thing. later on "husband guy" found our little party again but it was allright... we started dancing, and you know, i was toasted already, and probably would have danced with everyone. at one point i found myself in a sandwich situation between "husband guy" and hunter (who when drunk is somewhat of a flirt... but still somewhat gentlemany about it... when he's not trying to take your shirt off or pinch your nipples)... haha... ahh... good times good times.
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and just as a further note on jay and hunter... i really enjoyed this couple. my 10 sec psych evaluation of them is that they're a great couple... love to piss each other off and drive each other crazy.... but totally into each other. it's like a phrase in a great jay brannan song... "he drives me fucking crazy, i am his everything". robert does a hilarious impression of jay talking about hunter... haha... classic.
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the evening was full of good dancing, good drinking, good smokes, and colorful characters. alas, this being massachusettes, atlantic house closed down at 1:30 (what??!!). but no fear... robert and i took the provincetown initiates to another tradition... that of spiritus pizza for the sidewalk sale... haha, and it was a sidewalk sale! robert was eyeing this one guy sitting on a bench and so i totally told him to just go and talk to him.... unfortunately robert's modus operandi figured that is IF he talked to the nasty old guy sitting next to cute guy he might be able to draw cute guy into the conversation eventually... OK... this does not work robert!
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so instead of cute guy, robert ends up talking to "J", the nasty lecherous old guy and somehow our "Jay" gets into the conversations as well and "J" professes his love for "Jay" or something like that. Ok, I was feeling this was so last season when finally someone said we needed to go. so we boyz left "J" to his own machination and were walking towards the next ptown tradition, that is dick dock... when who comes along on his bike, offering "turkey and eggs"????!!! and of course, hunter being as blitzed as he was, actually entertained this loser and got on his bike.... even though all of us were trying to get him off. ok... so i was getting pissed and when i'm half drunk... the diva really comes out. in full condescending gay diva mode i made my way through the pack, got hunter off the bike, patted "J" on the bike and said.... ok, so like we're gonna go now... buh bye. the following conversation ensued....
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J : "who are your people?!"
A : "excuse me"
J : "who are your people?"
A : "uh yeah, so i'm going to ignore that and we're going to leave"
J : "well, i'm just old fashioned and try to be nice to people and you're not being nice"
A : "ok, so yeah, we appreciate your niceness... but i think we've had enough of your "niceness"... so maybe we'll call it a night now"
J : "well good night then" ... the freaks then ensues a juvenile staring contest
A : "good night!"
J : "you have a good night!"
A : thinking in my head and not responding.... "not worth my time.... whatever" … mental “whatever” symbol with my hands… haha
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so we started walking the other way... away from dick dock... and loser "J" went on his merry way.... haha... to whatever hole he crawled out of. but of course, (drunk) hunter REALLY wanted to see dick dock. and for some reason, the other boys didn't want to... and so i "chaperoned" hunter to dick dock. it was interesting i have to say. i have to give it to hunter that within 2 minutes of standing around there was a guy trying to entice him. actually it was kind of funny as an observer because hunter was completely taking it as a joke and was actually "trying to get to know" the guy.... in an increasingly loud voice. of course, anyone who knows dick dock knows that "getting to know each other" and speaking (at all) is really not the way the go. i was chuckling the whole time. eventually though i knew both of us would get into trouble and be kicked out so i took hunter.... while prying the nasty guy away from hunter (to the guy's dismay.. but i was asian paris hilton incarnate in full force at that time so i couldn't care less)... and we left. not without hunter bopping his head against one of the overhead pier beams... haha... that's what you get for going to dick dock! it was all good though... everyone behaved very well.
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ahhhh... good times. that was a fun evening i have to say. in general, it was a fabulous vacation.
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the next day was pretty much devoted to a quick cleaning of the house, and then heading back on the return ferry to boston. much of the transit back i really don't remember because i was sleeping most of it, recuperating from the night before. robert and i (derek left us in boston for his flight back to DC) finally got back to the UES, and the rest of the evening was spent with a lazy dinner and watching a movie that was an absolute letdown... a jennifer garner movie, catch and release (well, at least 13 going on 30 was still fabulous!). that was my last evening in nyc.
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the trip back to houston was a bitch... simply said. the flight out of newark was delayed about 4 hours and by the time we left newark, all the flights out of dallas to houston were already gone. Even though i got a hotel voucher, i was in no real mood to find myself the hotel so for some strange reason i decided that staying in the airport wouldn’t be so bad. it was THAT bad... haha. there was something i realized on this trip concerning my physical state... in general i am out of cardio shape... and i am too old to sleep on an air mattress... and i am too old to spend a zombie night in the aiport... where none of the seats are conducive to sleeping. my leg also started acting up AGAIN that night and it was just... PAINFUL. the next morning i FINALLY got back into houston around 10 ish. mei came to pick me up and i was hadly in the mood to talk.
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unfortunately my vacation ended on a crap note... but still, the overwhelming mass of it... was good times good times. once all the photos are organized, i'll definitely post them. but i hope you, dear readers, have had a good time reading this long tri-part entry. definitely delicious!
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Summer Vacation 2007 : Entree

2007-06-21T15:46:00.000-05:00

after a fun weekend filled with new faces, new places, and new paces… i decided that monday should be a day of rest and relaxation, even in the hustle bustle big apple. so while robert woke early to go to work, i lazily got out of bed about nine or ten o’clock, just in time to catch a cab to my massage appointment at mario badescu’s. i decided to take a cab because the rain that morning was somewhat biblical and the trek to the subway would have required a five avenue walk west to only walk another five avenues east… they need a fucking subway line down first through the UES for god’s sake. The massage appointment was pretty efficient, didn’t wait long at all before a small yet portly japanese woman came into my room, proceeded to get on top of me and perform “reiki”… while telling me how i looked like i was 38 and that my energy was not flowing at all…. haha. you wanna tip girl? later on she told me I looked more like I was 25. haha… new york for you.
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after that experience (it wasn’t too bad… but i have a suspicion that those contortions i went through may have set off the already almost two weeks of lower back and right thigh pain I’ve been having!) i walked up park avenue leisurely towards the whitney museum. stopped in at a little diner, and had lunch before proceeding down that chic avenue…. walking pass the new Tom Ford store…. oooh. bow down, i am not worthy. haha. It turns out that the whitney was closed on mondays…so i changed my plans and walked towards fifth and eighty something to go to the guggenheim. i strolled by the MFA and thought about going in but that place is just so dizzyingly big that you always leave feeling like you didn’t see enough but are too exhausted to go on. the guggenheim was much more digest-able, especially since one of the exhibits was a video screening in a dark room with nice comfy club chairs, which i decided to occupy one and take a not so surreptitious nap of about an hour. refreshed… i concluded my visit to the guggenheim and crossed half of manhattan on 79th. finally got back to robert’s place. that evening robert came up with the bright idea of going for a run on the park along the east river. so we went and the first 15 minutes were fine for me but eventually i knew i had hit my limit and was officially out of shape when i felt like throwing up into the east river and my face was exploding in a heat rash. fun! so anyways, robert continued running (go robert!) to the one of those bridges that goes to Brooklyn/ Queens… and i just walked my merry way, enjoying the actually very nice park. we finally got back to his apartment, robert made dinner (whooo) and we rented a movie… holiday... that was a trip. i was afraid to get it out of the DVD player after we watched it because it was just such a sticky sick sweet film… blehhhh. of course the highlight of the evening was when robert proclaimed that he wanted TO BE Cameron Diaz (who was in the movie). mind you… he didn’t say… i want to be LIKE camerion diaz… his statement was of the gender bending kind. haha… I think nyc has gotten to you robert.
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the next day i made my way down to philadelphia, an easy two hour bus ride and the perfect opportunity for me to read some more pages of the book i have been attempting to read since last september… love in the time of cholera. you know, its just one of those books that aren’t grippingly engaging so you don’t really feel the absolute urge to get through it. i feel like i should finish it only on principal. anyways, so i got into philly about three or so, met samuel quickly to get his keys and then just went back to his place, took a nap before he got back from work. again, like many of my friends i saw over my vacation, it was great to see sam again. we hung out at his place a little longer, both took a nap, before heading out to what I think is my favorite italian place in philadephia… this cute little sidewalk joint just down from the kimmel… that has the most amazing veal cannelloni with béchamel sauce. of course, sam, being vegetarian, couldn’t delight in this culinary treat. after dinner, we walked back his place and since it was too late for a movie, decided to just watch a video of his. watching 12 monkeys after years of not seeing it was just like watching it anew and it was entertaining. and our fun evening ended on that note, the next morning, i left at the same time he went to work, walking him to work, saying goodbye, and turned towards the busride home. Once I got back to new york, i had scheduled to meet another old friend… ira, from gsd. she was as fabulous as ever and we had a great lunch at a greasy chinese place in chinatown. after a quick pulse on each other’s lives, she had to go back to work… but it was definitely good to see her again! the rest of the afternoon was pretty mundane i have to admit, doing laundry… $4.50 for a wash???!!! but then that evening, i met up again with yvonne to meet her boyfriend and to also see some old cornell people… well, just one… andrew fisher from architecture, and one of yvonne’s friends that i had met before. it was a fun evening i have to say… some drinks first at this union square bar (i love union square! if i ever move to new york i want to live near there… it is the perfect urban square in my opinion!) and then down the street to do some bowling. good times good times! and yes, i got a chance to meet yvonne’s squeeze of the last two years and have to approve… seemed like a nice… even though he’s straight. haha. at the end of the evening yvonne took the downtown train while we two waited for the uptown trains… he left on the express and before he went i said goodbye and told him to take care of yvonne or i’d kick his ass. haha… what else is the gay male best friend suppose to do for his most fabulous fruit fly? note…we gay boys over the following weekend decided that fruit flies were, by definition, fabulous straight women capable of getting male straight dates but that just enjoy the company of gay men…. Where as fag hags were trolly overweight poor souls who replaced real heterosexual relationships with being parasitical (at times) attachments to fabulous gay men. compare… my friend yvonne and ron’s fag hag… cathy. yikes… i shudder at the memory of that fat bitch. haha.
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that was wednesday evening, the day before our sojourn to mythical provincetown. i think I’ll leave the shenanigans of ptown with its very own entry. i had been on vacation for a week, and i’d have to admit that almost everyday was really stock full of experiences. it had been a crazy vacation… but completely fulfilling. i honestly did muss the northeast very much so, for the people i knew before who were still there, but also for just the experience of living in a place like that. texas really might as well be a different country i think sometimes. wednesday night i was completely excited to be leaving for provincetown, for more, even crazier, adventures, but actually also so that i could sleep on a real bed for a few days. robert’s “air mattress” unfortunately had been doing a number on my back for the past few days. sigh…. simply another sign that you aren’t so young anymore alex. oh well, at least I think i’m becoming more fabulous the older i get. ha.

Summer Vacation 2007 : Appetizer

2007-06-19T21:31:00.000-05:00

so yes, i'm going to try to remember the fun filled week and a half i had in the northeast, a full week or so after i got back to houston. i'm sure i'll miss a few details, but i'm sure all the hot points i'll get to. so anyways, i ended up having to work that tuesday and wednesday after memorial day, despite hopes that i could just lump those two days into my vacation as well, and not go at all that week. alas, i was caught up doing CAD for this project, which i am still working on at the present moment... which isn't the most fun thing honestly... but oh well. anyways, nothing particularly noteworthy happened at work those two days except just some hurried moments making sure my ass was as covered as it could be, since i wasn't going to be back for almost two weeks.
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so my vacation started thursday and thursday was a classic "let's just waste time" day. i actually had a few things i wanted to do like clean the yard, plant some new plants, clean, etc.... but once i finally rolled out of bed around noon... well... i pretty much decided to just waste the rest of the day... hey, i'm on vacation. oh... i did get my laundry done! haha.
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friday early morn esau took me to the airport. the trip to NYC pretty much went on schedule, only about an hour delay in the end...which these days, is a god send... and compared to the ordeal i went through to get back to houston... it was luxury. even though i got off at newark and not really "the city", i felt the slight tingle of a different place almost immediately. new york has a definite vibe... and like learning to ride a bike... you never forget it. on my almost two hour trek from EWR via njtransit to penn station and then subway to 77th street and then a 5 avenue walk east to robert's place.... i caught myself feeling the strange sensation of being "in" a city. people thrown together, jostling, power walking down the street, sunglasses on, earbuds in, oblivious and untouchably cool and completely artificial.... yes, i was in new york, i was in manhattan! i loved it. it was scary at first having acclimated to the vehicular ascepticness of houston, but soon, i learned to love new york again. for a split second, i was sorry i left, but i realized then again, i never had really arrived in new york... so who was i to feel sorry about myself for?
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i met robert right on the sidewalk... how new york! after dropping off my bags at his place... yes... still the TINY, yet homely upper east side get-up (the one where you can't sit fully on the john)... we went to take care of my famished state at a lovely new yorky thai bistro... filled with beautiful boys (ok, its part of the gloss of new york after a long while.... the belief that there are SO MANY MORE good looking boys). stomach and eyes filled, robert took me to his usual alcoholic haunt, a east village joint called "Phoenix". it was simple... cute... and surprisingly the beer was cheap, comparatively. at Phoenix apparently the intoxicating vapors of a new new york hadn't worn off because the parade of beautiful men continued... but with an interesting twist. this place phoenix was like a pu pu platter of handsome men... from suit and tie types (oh, i am so busy i couldn't drop off my trendy yet wall street compliant messenger bag at home) to artsy fartsy types with long luscious locks and those over abused square "designer" eye-glasses... as if myopia was fashionable these days. a few clean cut frat boys and some gym bunnies thrown in.... and my god... it was manhunt.net in real life. we even met a prostitute... or at least a gold-digger... haha. and i also realized that even in new york, there is still definitely asian fetish game to be had.... want it or not. phoenix was fun, robert i approve.
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i had two beers at phoenix... and after an exhausting day of travel and then huffing on the drug new new york... i was clearly buzzed and needing to go home. me and robert jovially bitched about how it was only midnight and we were going home because we were tired... god we're old. haha... good times.
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somehow, i found the energy the very next day to do some more traveling, as i went bright and early to meet yvonne so we could make a trek to the fabled fire island. we were like two peas in a pod once again... it was just so nice to see her again. to think that we new each other back in that far away place called college (or of course, that i knew robert in that galaxy far far away called high school). fire island was delicious.... talk about getting your fill of eye candy. i think even i was getting on yvonne's nerves saying how cute that man was, or how cute that man was, etc. etc. i just couldn't help myself. the crescendo i really think was when we were walking along the beautiful beach and along the sand bluff, there was a line of at least 15 or so... beautiful, buffed, bronzed specimens of scrumptious masculinity on skimpy display... it was like an international male catalouge... in real life. the cutest scene tho was later in the day when i noticed two little boys, no more than seven or so, walking down the beach, hand in hand.... apparently all the other guys were doing it... what did they know? haha. so we explored "the Pines" on Fire Island.. even venturing towards "Cherry Grove"... apparently the lesbian town... but once the cute boardwalk ended at the border of the two "towns"... we took that as a sign that we were leaving civilization. we weren't feeling that crazy that day.... back to gay town.
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i finally got back to manhattan around seven or so and after a quick breather went to dinner with robert at a cute mexican place where over margaritas we made a toast to being fabulous and single gay men... since we were dishing over the gay couple we would be meeting shortly... a certain jay and hunter. i feel the need to get on my self imagined pulpit sometimes and whip robert into shape... telling him that being single can be the most wonderful thing in the world sometimes... well, i was just trying to make him feel better from what he’s been recently telling me about.... honestly.... i wonder if i even believe what I say... haha. i do believe tho... that single or not... being fabulous however.... is always a good call.
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so i met jay and hunter. my first impressions were... oh... tall guys. second impressions... oh... a… slightly… bigger new york apartment. after a nice shared bottle of wine on the rooftop terrace of their walk-up, we decided to do a little chelsea bar hopping so I could get to know the wonderfully enviable (not) couple. in all honestly, i had a wonderful time with these boys, and honestly... i think they are a perfect match for each other. robert terms them the gay version of "chris and carrie" (who apparently are also robert's point of reference for all relationships)... and having known both chris and carrie during my time in boston... i actually have to agree with robert on this point. we gay boys went first to the silly excuse of a "sports bar" called "gym"... actually a pretty silly excuse for a gay bar as well in my opinion. after a quickly downed beer we went to barricuda... which robert took me to last time i was new york... and that i enjoyed. i enjoyed this time as well... mostly because barricuda has a place to sit and lounge... i've realized that i really don't like standing when "bar-ing"...i guess i am just lazy or think i look better reclined. ha. over the course of the evening i got a chance to mostly talk to jay of jay and hunter. and even though me and robert disagree about who's the catch in that equation, both these boys are mucho fun. well…maybe.... after about 20 minutes of pretending to be interested in jay's conversation, even my eyes were starting to glaze. i blame it on the drink tho... as jay was trying to have an intelligent conversation which in my sober state i think i would have fully appreciated... but being on vacation and drinking on vacation... i found myself doing the polite giggle and nod and the famous "big smile". even robert later on remarked how he thought me and jay had really made a connection.... ah robert... just one of the small tactics of being fabulous... "pretending to give a shit".
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everyday in new york is a day to remember. after fire island and chelsea saturday.... i obviously felt the need to repent... so what else but accompanying robert to St. Barths... the gayest church on the chic upper east? it's really midtown in my book.... by its on Park Avenue... so i'll let that slide. i am glad i went tho... robert pointed out to me former new jersey governor McGreevey, post-scandalous gay outing. he seemed very happy... now with his appropriately-aged new boyfriend. my absolution was thankfully granted after only 30 minutes so i decided to jet the joint and again pretended to be a fabulous manhattanite... black suit, pink shirt, sporty black adidas sambas, unbiquitous bronzed sunglasses and cigarette... walking down tony 5th avenue... being disgusted by all the damn "tourists".
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in front of the astoria hotel, i whipped out my cell phone, and in classic alex business mode, made plans for my hot hook-up later that afternoon. ha... i even surprise myself sometime. so yeah, i hooked up with this guy the last time i was in new york, almost a year ago... a guy who i originally met back in boston but he had moved to nyc soon after we met (sans hook-up)... and well... to get to the point... it was hot. i definitely was up for redoux... and so was he.
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robert finally felt clean and able to leave the church so i met up with him and we went to a cute little brunch place and talked about men... how typical. we basically walked back to his place, it being a wonderful new york day. i took a little nap to prepare for my festivities later. and i sure am glad i did. can i just say? this man is a definite champ ... a f*ck machine to be crude about it. if i lived in new york.... i honestly have to say that this man would be my perfect fuck-buddy. and i wax eloquent like carrie bradshaw.... here is a man that is fun, friendly, handsome, easy to get along with, and fantatsic in bed! and samantha jones's reply.... how can you take a man you only want great sex with...and to humanize him? my brief time in new york was like sex and the city. anyways.... i had fun... and after our hot reunion.... i even got to take another nap spooning the perfect FB... before we hit it again.
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that evening i had the pleasure of meeting another of robert's friends that i have only known of vicariously... a certain Joe. we went to meet him and go watch a movie of his choosing.... which was... boring. eventually i decided that joe was boring too.... not becuase he didn't try not to be boring... but he's one of those snide, pompous, self-absorbed gay "boys" (here i do use the term denigratingly) who thinks he's interesting, but upon scrutiny... falls easily into my nice and tidy, and unfortunately, often, over-flowing, "empty minds" box... and therefore… automatically become boring. hmmm...again... my fabulous ability of seeming like i give a shit shone brilliantly that night. please... i'm a southerner... we are nothing if not at least courteous... to your face. so that’s was my impression of Joe.
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to be continued.
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The Next Best Thing

2007-05-21T23:45:00.000-05:00

this evening, fate gave me a small freebie of sorts. its one of those that all you can do is laugh at. so, just to be straight in my telling, let me just admit that i answered one of those online hookup ads, just to pass the time. usually these things don't pan out and i think i do it just really to pass the time for real. anyways, so i answered an ad and funny enough it turns out that the ad was posted by my ex-bf, ron. and funny enough, despite seeing it was me who answered, he replied back honestly... saying who he was. we had a very brief email interchange, he mentioned that "you just had to laugh at the irony of the situation".... and i think you did. i told him, that even past our moment in the sun, he still found ways to make me laugh. we wished each other the best... and that was it.

i'm going to take this in the best way i can. despite what people might think or whatever, this little interchange acted as a bit of closure for me. something that i really needed. ever since me and ron parted ways, i have wondered what he was doing and where he was. like i said before, when relationships end on a bad note, the drawback is that you suddenly lose a person out of your life... immediately. it takes a little getting use to because where there was at least... something... there is now nothing. just an email, but at least i can now replace that hard painful memory with something a little more light-hearted... something that made you realized that life truly works in strange ways. and eventhough a pair of people sometimes just can't work things out... if there was something of some sincerity before.... there is always some weird connection.

people come in... and out... and in your life... in the strangest ways. but at the very least, what happened this evening, comforts me somewhat, knowing that he's at least.... ok... and now... we can even share a small chuckle about how funny life can be.

Don't Wait

2007-05-14T17:22:00.000-05:00

The sky glows

I see it shining when my eyes close

I hear your warnings but we both know

I'm gonna look at it again

Don't wait, Don't wait

The road is now a sudden sea

And suddenly, you're deep enough

To lay your armor down

You get one look

I'll show you something that the knife took.

A bit too early for my own good

Now let's not speak of it again

Don't wait, Don't wait

The road is now a sudden sea

And suddenly, you're deep enough

To lay your armor down

Don't wait, Don't wait

The lights will flash and fade away

The days will pass you by

Don't wait

To lay your armor down

- Dashboard Confessional

“Don’t Wait” is currently what’s playing as my phone’s annoying (to others… I for one, love it) ring tone. I think it’s a little tongue and cheek since the chorus line keeps repeating “Don’t Wait”… so apt for a waiting call don’t you think. Anyways, this is just a little clever way for me to segue into a little blog entry about not being able to wait for my upcoming vacation. I was driving with my cousin to Dallas to see my parents for Mother’s Day this past weekend and one of the shared conversations involved my habit of picking up and going, for various reason, every two or three years for the past decade of my life. Having lived in five places, including two states, and two countries in college, I guess it primed me for a itinerant life, two years in jersey, two in Cambridge… and maybe two here in Houston? It just got me thinking that now that I have almost been in Houston for a solid year…. What has gone down?
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Sure sure, I have gotten situated in a job that I actually like… truly I do. But I just had a review where I expressed that because of the way my original profession is set up (that is architecture… the building kind)… for me to get my license… I would have to spend some more time in a traditional architecture office… as opposed to the landscape architecture / urban design practice that I am spinning my wheels now in. So it got me thinking… how has the last year of my life… professionally… affected me… for the better or worse? Getting upon 30… I find that the idea that “simply experience counts” is starting to get a little old… and that if its really to help you… the experience you get has to be able to get you past some certain markers in life... and for me, that marker is licensure. Which is even funnier because the only reason I want licensure is to satiate my ego… since I really have little intention of practicing architecture in the future… but you never know I guess. I guess the heart of the question is… WHAT AM I DOING? AND WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?
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Don’t wait.
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On other front, I haven’t been the only one who has been moving apparently. I a strange twist of fate, after years of pleading me to move down to Houston to be closer to them, my parents have decided to up and move to Dallas. Granted, Dallas is really not all THAT far…. But I think the situation merits a little ironic smile though. The folks have situated themselves very nicely… I wonder if better or worse than I have situated myself here in Houston. In reviewing my “social capital” post-Ron, I have become again congnizant that I don’t really know that many people here in Houston… my age that is. Its funny how having a boyfriends make having friends… somewhat irrelevant.. haha. But, of course, post break-up… and trying to think up an invite list for my housewarming… it became acutely obvious that I needed more friends… straight, gay, whatever… I’m not too picky these days. Maybe I should pick up the old trick of “joining a club”…. Who knows. But still…it would be nice to have some more friends, if not to shake it up who I hang out with on the weekends (other than myself and my dog… haha).
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Don’t wait.
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If there is anything I need to force myself to wait on… its all of the continual “improvements” to my house that I’ve been cycling through. It’s getting a lot better now, that I am moving in.. and just finally being able to “relax”… but I am also beginning to feel the sense that I am using a sense of urgency to do stuff on my house as an excuse to attack other more important issues… which is troubling. Like landscaping instead of looking over business files for my folks. Granted one is something I’d rather so much do… but in the long view of it… here is an opportunity to find a professional niche (looking at business files) versus just a hobby (landscaping). There are a few “ventures” now on my plate which I really need to have a heart to heart with myself and re-organize my method of prioritizing time… one being a fledging interior design service, one being a fledging “design consultant” service, and one being “insert unknown name here” for my parents and all of their various ventures. It has already occurred to me that 27 was a year my life would go through changes of self and of environment… a setting of the stage so to speak… new home, new town, etc. I beginning to think that in the cosmic order of things, Year 28 is to kick off whatever it is that is suppose to happen to me in my life… starting my own business, starting to get my license, etc… I need to figure out WHAT AM I DOING? AND WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?
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Don’t wait.
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And finally, I have to admit that of late I have been missing the feeling of companionship. Sigh, what to do? Don’t wait?
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If nothing else, I will tell you for sure what I can’t wait for. My vacation to NYC and Ptown to see friends and to meet new ones. I’ve already been having silly little daydreams about romantic discoveries or steamy little trysts. Heehee.
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Don’t wait to lay your armor down

Housewarming Part Deux

2007-05-07T16:00:00.000-05:00

Housewarming #2 occurred this past Saturday, and my was it a doozy. To prepare that is, the actual event went off… fabulously, although unfortunately my guest roster was decimated by four people being unable to come last minute (this was significant since only 10 people were there to begin with). Never the less, it was very fun… and it was just more food and space for everyone! A LOT of prep went into this one… starting the Wednesday before the Saturday event to buy most of the ingredients from duckling to greek seasoning to oregano to kalamata olives to margarita mix… haha. A two hour adventure. Thursday was a little bit of a rest, just chopping vegetables and other minor food prep items. Then Friday, immediately after work was putting up this temporary canopy structure over the deck (that is new by the way… oh yes… the picture will also show the backyard changes….. just imagine that none of what you see except the house and the big magnolia tree was there before… the deck, all the landscaping… is new…. This is why I am busy and why I have no social life… haha!) Friday night also started making the chicken dish and spreading candle arrangements all over the house.
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The day of the event I had to wake up a little early and finish up the first design proposal for my little side interior decorating job… which I found out today she wants to do when she gets back from a trip… guess she liked it. Whoopee. Anyways, after some work time in the office, came back and cleaned the yard of the layer of magnolia leaves on the ground….sheesh! you walk away for half and hour and there’s a scores more leaves on the ground… ahhh! Then about two o clock started really cooking… putting the duck in, setting up the table, making the salon Wellington, putting in the ribs, making sweet mash potatoes, green beans, etc etc. People began showing up pretty much as expected… about an hour late. And you know.. overall … it was really fun. As a host, I was able to actually mingle and also serve and clean up after…. People seem pretty self sufficient… I just had to keep their drinks filled and nibbles on hand… haha. By the time everyone cleared out about 2AM, I had actually cleared away the plates and put them all in the dishwasher and the countertops were all wiped down. It was actually pretty cool… of course, I had a bit of alcohol running in me and I didn’t really feel how tired I was… until the next day. Haha.
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The day after had to finish the proposal, and then told my cousin that I’d go watch Spiderman 3 with her… which was fun… I think the movie would have been better if I had more energy… but I think the movie was pretty good.
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Oh by the way, my housewarming gifts… not too shabby…. Two wanted kitchen appliances… a rice cooker and a super cool red stainless steel microwave… a gift card… and… this was a surprise…. A copper fire pit. THAT was pretty sweet and it fits perfectly in my yard. Ok… here some pictures… oh by the way… I joined up on this “rate my space” site on HGTV.com… go check out my spaces and comment… and help bring up my score by giving me 5 stars… haha! Go to HGTV.com…and under the “decorating” tab.. go to Rate my Space… then search for “designjunkie28” in the search box and it will bring up all my spaces. Haha… enjoy!

Pictures of the new backyard landscaping... the deck canopy is temp... but if it last for a while... i may design a more permanent installation.

pictures of the housewarming dinner set up. is it not... FABULOUS! ** flick wrist** ;-)