The One... Again
have you ever one of those 1st dates that is just so sweetly perfect? say the little that you interacted with him before the actual date just made you crazy nervous for whatever reason, either you've been out of the game for a while or because he's just seems too good to be true, or both? and then when you actually have your date, it's just really really nice and there's smart conversation, engaged personalities, real interests, and delicious sexual subtle edginess... i.e. great flirting. and then eventually at the close of the evening there is an amazing kiss that well, literally makes you wet but somehow you know that you can't give it all away because you earnestly want this guy to come back? i had a date like that once, and I think in all honesty it was enjoyed by both parties and it wasn't just a great date on my part. the guy continued to be in contact for a week or two later, trying to schedule a second date. but somehow one day, communication simply ceased and till this day i am not exactly sure why. it was literally like he fell off the face of the earth but he didn't because a few weeks later i noticed his online presence and tried to contact him but without reply. anyways... i think everyone has had that strange experience of having something so promising sort of just fade away before your very eyes.
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last night, the "one" re-emerged again in my life in a small way. no, i did not run into him on the street, and even if i did, i don't think i would have recognized him. no, last night i was rummaging through some old photos and stuff and caught hold of a picture of a handsome guy i didn't immediately recognize. it took me a while but then i said, ahh...it's brian... the "one" that disappeared. i guess his importance of being the "one" has somewhat diminished after three years since but still it did kind of remind me of just how... smitten... i was by this boy.
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in all honesty, if i met another man of this quality now, i'm not exactly sure how i would act, if differently at all. the older i get the more sarcastic and jaded i am about finding the "one", although i'm an idealist at heart and still believe in the concept somewhere inside. but brian, as i remember him or as i am "nostalgic" about him was... perfect. there was such a natural instant electricity between us and a lot of the "points" correlated and above all i remember never having to really think to myself while he was talking during the date...do i actually see myself with this guy? somehow, brian was charming enough to completely disarm the psycho-analyst and relationship portfolio manager in me.
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he was smart...ivy league (sorry... i can be an academic snob), funny, creative, energetic, entrepreneural, motivated, sweet, kind... and lest i forget, disastrously cute... not hot in a put off kind of way, but comfortably adorable. I remember going home after our kiss and thinking, my god, what has landed in my lap? brian was a man that got me earnestly interested in "woo-ing" him. honestly i'm usually the other way around. i mean, i'll get off my butt if the other guy is showing a lot of interests, but brian was one of the rare breed that i was willing to go out on a limb with because somehow instinctively (as opposed to intellectually or rationally...as much as these things can be i guess) i knew i would enjoy being with him. one of the few times i remember being consciously "romantic", i had wanted to light the pool with dozens of little floating candles, cuddle underneath a warm blanket on the deck, sip hot chocolate, and look at the stars...amongst other things of course. ultimately, I ended up with lots of unused candles, a cannister of premium hot chocolate, and a broken...hmmm... no... spurned heart.
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i think one of the biggest questions in this relationship game is basically... what happened to him? for all you guys... and girls... out there who choose the non-reply route to either not see another person again or end something... please consider that for some, not knowing, is really more hurtful than being told that it simply isn't gonna work or something else happened. for weeks after communication abruptly stopped i went through a rollercoaster of emotions. ultimately i realized that some people simply don't want to think of themselves as unkind or critical of others, in the act of rejecting someone... i mean, if you're a nice person, you don't actively want to hurt someone's self image, feelings, etc.... so they choose avoidance and basically put off confrontation...forever. the problem with this is that that motivation is only self-serving, you get a supposedly clean slate, but now you've inflicted a unanswerable psychological conundrum on someone else.
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so tell the guy that he's a great guy, but you think that you both are just not quite the right person for the other.
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eventhough i am completely over brian, and hardly remember his face (why i couldn't actually recognize him when his photo popped up)... i still remember the feeling. but on an optimistic note, it's kind of nice that there are at least people out there that just get underneath your skin, albeit if "you" get underneath their skin or not. and it's nice that you can feel that degree of passion, in attraction... and rejection really. ultimately, if there was any "lesson" to be learned, i guess it's strength is correlative to such passion.
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but brian was perfect, maybe that's why he eventually faded.
posted by faux chink @ 11:44 AM
1 Comments:
Alex - This is FUCKING LONG! Hahaha...will read this weekend to catch up...need some Thanksgiving receipe ideas from you...
-Robert
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