Sex and Diplomacy
last night i did safer sex outreach work at embassy, this schnazzy poshy bar part of the landsdowne complex, which at least last night was catering to college age (definitely under 25 crowd ....errr) gay boys and their agressive fag hag straight "girl" friends. interesting crowd and eventhough i am only a few years older than these guys at 26, i did somewhat feel out of place. or not out of place but a little bemused by the posturing and attitude of the youngins. anyhow, this was my third foray as a safer sex outreach volunteer, i.e. condom pusher and i have to say slowly it is getting more relaxed and much more fun. maybe it was who i worked with this time, being girls. not to say that i didn't have a blast at my last outreach gig but the pair i worked with were two overly fabulous gay men who you know, if you aren't that fabulous of a gay man, it might put you at a certain "kind" of unease. i put that in quotation marks because it wasn't that i was uneasy...it was just that well, they were to amusing to really get to know...right at the moment. not sure if that makes sense. anyways, embassy was very slow... at our table that is... i think the hour and a half we were there, we probaly only gave stuff to less than a dozen people. most simply weren't interested, hence the sort of attitude i was getting from the crowd. actually a lot of bouncers came up and grabbed stuff. oh well, at least someone can use it i guess.
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but i guess what made the evening really fun was that sam decided to come. so after my outreach gig was over, i stayed and danced for another hour or so. the music in general was good but it was just waaaay too crowded. all you under 25 people, go find somewhere else! haha. sam actually came during outreach and i just had to slide some condoms and lube into his pocket because i know that boy needs some and can't turn away free stuff! :-) and i also needed to feel like i actually did some "outreach"... haha. sam also brought luis, a nice guy i met once when we had a sort of sam's friends meet my friends sort of pow-wow dinner. that was fun times. i couldn't push condoms upon luis however, but i did intrigued him about the reality condom and all its potential uses. you know the boy is now going to go buy one.... hell, don't be bashful, get it for free. them motherfuckers is expensive!
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so i had a fun time dancing despite the horrendous crowds. and me and sam got our groove on. its funny, i have to admit dancing with an ex...and even more so a recent ex. i can't deny there was a definite comfortable-ness in close dancing and doing maybe less than "mock" body rubbing and grinding because obviously at one point in the recent past, it was real body rubbing and grinding. we would have been one of those couples on the dance floor, that when i am single i find amazingly annoying, that make out in the middle of the dancefloor. yes, i find it saccharin but its just because i am jealous. alas, we are not together and i think at times there has to be boundaries that should be respected. although i don't think i would see myself virtually humping a dance partner's leg like sam and i were alternatively doing, with any of my close friends, i know i definitely would also not see myself fondling each other in errogenous zones from anyone except the guy i was intimately and currently involved in.
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but it's hard to draw that boundary though. especially dancing close together against a column, face to face, or more side face to side face, there was instant... hmmm... familiarity. being in proximity to smell the sweat off his neck... sexy indeed. and it was truly fun even if we took away any other layers of emotion. sometimes i wish people were completely comfortable to "simulate intimacy" and physical contact and yet feel no emotional consequence. haha, but i guess that is a pipe dream. actions have consequences and if you don't register them emotionally, you probably need some extreme rationalization to make yourself believe its "OK". so, i found myself moving hands away from places and feeling somewhat torn between letting myself just "drape" on his shoulders in sheer abandonment and simply having "fun" with a good friend. no easy task mind you since both actions, one of dancing with your boyfriend, and one of dancing with your friend who maybe in some life could be your boyfriend (or in a previous one indeed was), are equally enticing and equally natural really, and only nuanced in slight shades of difference... but emotionally, its like comparing apples to oranges. at least i think so.
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we make rationalizations for limits we set in our lives... to protect ourselves and others really. it would have been easy i think to become one of those saccharin couples aforementioned, a little sweet just for the moment, but i doubt for either of us, in our respective moments in our lives, we have gotten to "dessert".
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just as a side note, i found myself making a small step towards being more "truly" comfortable with my sexuality. i think upon first meeting, people don't necessarily register me as gay... or straight (or only heterosexistly "straight"). i hate to use the word "straight-acting" or "gay-acting" as my friend patty adamantly states to the effect that it isn't an "act"... but often i find myself feeling the need to use the terms but repeatedly finding them inadequate still...especially in describing my demeanor. but usually the smart girls begin to hone in on questions that seek to identify who i fuck. so one of the outreach girl last night starts striking up conversations about clubs, and then bartenders, and since its a gay venue, if the bartenders were gay, and then asking you if you think that bartender over their is "good looking", and finally just asking you... "are you gay?" last night i found no hesistation in my reply to the effect i was so surprised it came out soooo quick. usually there is a microsecond at least of evaluation of the situation , but last night, it was... natural. ok ok, i was in a gay club, handing out safer sex supplies...big whoopa. but still, this was a virtual stranger and saying, "yep, i'm gay" was just another part of the conversation. as easy as pie. baby steps i guess.
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posted by faux chink @ 12:23 PM
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