The Life that Doesn't Know How to Speak its Name...Yet
last night i did Brokeback Mountain redoux, that is i went to watch it yet again, the very night after i saw it initially. at moments i was getting a little tired, mostly from being in general tired from the long day of traveling and christmas shopping i had before meeting robert for the movie, but it wasn't from feeling the movie to be getting old. actually, watching it a second time i began noticing small artful details and a little more about how the dialouge worked within the cinematography. anyways, still pretty good and who knows maybe a third viewing. haha. anyways, robert had written a short blog about this and had included a short quote from another review of the movie, that thinking in retrospect to the conversation i had with friends after the movie, i though somehow related in a way. the quote is as such:
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[The movie is an] epic sweep that...manages to be affectingly idiosyncratic in its portrayal of two men in love. In the end, Brokeback Mountain is less the story of a love that dares not speak its name than of one that doesn't know how to speak its name, and is somehow more eloquent for its lack of vocabulary.
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anyways, so after i got back to brooklyn, i had a good conversation with the friends i am staying with over a few beers and some cigarettes. the conversation basically revolved around what i am "planning" to do with my situation concerning my family, a possible future family, and the whole deal about being gay. well, usually only my closer friends understand ..more... the complex situation, but basically my parents are still having issues with my sexuality, even after almost six years of being out. in a nutshell, they still exist in a state of denial, and arguably are submerging even further deeper into it, especially my mother that is. only a part, but a significant part of the problem has to do with this whole"chinese" thing of propogation ofthe "family name" or lineage,what have you. anyways, since i was an only ...male... child, there's a major problem in the fact that i'm probably not going to have a "normal" coupling. the problem is sort of multi-pronged, because the gay thing itself is sort of not accepted, but so is the thing about not having biological children (and preferably a male child) that is i choose not to do the whole hetero thing. now, please understand none of this matters to me personally, but i can't say it doesn't matter to me at all though, because of the very fact that i know it matters to my folks. i dunno,they grew up in a different era, and are a product of their upbringing so its hard for me to blame them or anyone. unfortunately sometimes when you can't blame anyone, it ends up being yourself.
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anyways, the conversation was funny in a retarded sort of way. thank god for the beer! one of my straight male friends, who loves to talk about things he really doesn't understand ... seems to think that it's "not a big deal". you know alex, just go find some woman who wants to have kids, later age, hormones rushing type, figure out some sort of agreement and have her pop em out. bring the pretty babies to their grandparents and say... tada! oh by the way, the chick dumped me and left. yeah, if it only was that easy huh? at the very same time, i question the very fact if i even want to have children. again, to me, even if i was resolute to have children, having my own biological ones is not a huge issue, but it is to my folks, and therefore in an indirect way it is to me.
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i don't know how to deal with this and sometimes i think the more possible situations i think of or are given in a half facetious nature by well meaning friends, the more i get weirded out about it. and i choose then not to think about it because hello, why should i at this moment? kids, even if i did want them, are way off in the future... and getting a girl "accidentally" preganant is certainly not in the cards by a long shot... so why worry? but like the whole issue of bringing a boyfriend home (that is worthy of bringing him home... gotta find one of those first!)... it's a bridge i have yet to cross but still being the virgo ascendant i am, it kind of worries me though. i know its just below the horizon.
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and so often when i think about these issues, i am at a lost of words and can't really articulate any plan. as if there really could be a "plan" even i guess. it's sort of silly all in the end. i like to think that my parents, seeing a cute little baby that they "could" call their grandchild, all reservations about the details of how that child came into being.... "should" wash away. so i guess the only real important thing to think about, is how to ensure a cute baby. heh heh. and like that quote, this unelucidated notion that somehow everything will just work out, is eloquent enough for me at the moment.
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i don't want to lie to anyone about the way things come to be. despite living 26 years in some sort of duplicity to at least someone out there, i like to think that someday i will come to know and be brave enough to use the words that truly define my life the way i want it to be and to have no exceptions or qualifications to what i happen to think of as... my life.
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posted by faux chink @ 6:53 PM
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