Straight Dude's Guide to Brokeback Mountain
sam sent me this. it's too funny to not reprint.
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by the way i went to see brokeback mountain last night but will hold off on reviews until i see it AGAIN in chelsea with robert and the colorful indigenous species.... whooo, that some hot shit girl!
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The straight dude's guide to 'Brokeback'Our intrepid gay columnist has sage advice for his straight brethrenCOMMENTARYBy Dave WhiteMSNBC contributorUpdated: 7:26 p.m. ET Dec. 8, 2005
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You are a heterosexual man. And you have no personal beef with gaypeople. You're educated and fairly socially liberal and occasionallylisten to NPR and you don't like to see anyone bashed or discriminatedagainst. You're no homophobe. You're proud of yourself.
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But your girlfriend/wife/common-law/female or whoever loves thatadorable Jake Gyllenhaal has already stated her intentions. When it'sher turn to pick the Saturday night date-movie, you're seeing"Brokeback Mountain.""But I am a heterosexual man," you're thinking, "very, very, very, verystraight." And you're kind of freaking out as the release date quicklyapproaches — and even the expression "release date" is making you kindof jittery. You're hoping to remind your female life partner that,while you feel gay people are very wonderful, colorful, witty additionsto the human population and that Ellen sure is fun to watch dance inthe credit card commercial and that Tom Hanks really deserved thatAcademy Award for whatever that movie was where he died at the end,that you are very, very, very, very straight and that it should exemptyou from seeing Adorable Jake…um… do "it" with Heath Ledger. You reallydon't even want to know what "it" entails because you've lived thislong without finding out. You're thinking the words "red-blooded," asin "I am a red-blooded American male, etc," don't sound so retroanymore.
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And yet, you're still going to see it whether you like it or not. Thisnecessarily presents a dilemma: how to make her happy and endure yourfirst gay-themed movie where guys actually make out on a very bigscreen right in front of your face? And that's where I come in. I'm ared-blooded American male homosexual movie critic who's already seen"Brokeback Mountain." And I could just tell you how great the film is,that it's really powerful and moving and all that, but that isn't whatyou want to hear. So I have some viewing tips for you, my straightbrothers. I promise I'm only here to help…
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1. Accept the fact that this is all your fault in the first placeYou were the one who was all excited to take your ladyfriend to"Jarhead" anyway and when you got there and saw that it consisted oflot of AJ (how this article will refer to Adorable Jake from here on)running around all sweaty, muscular and shirtless in the desert, doinga sexy dance wearing nothing but a Santa Claus cap over his "area" andthen simulating a big gay orgy with his fellow grunts, you were like,"When does the killing start in this movie?" while your woman thought,"Oh yes, more Santa Dancing please." You brought it on yourself.
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2. Realize now that you have to shut upYou kind of have no idea how important it is for you to shut up. Butit's crucial. I was recently at a press screening for another movie andI overheard four guys in the theater lobby talking about "Brokeback."They were resolute in their refusal to go see it and they couldn't stoploudly one-upping each other about how they had no interest, were not"curious," and were, in the words of the loudest guy in the group,"straight as that wall over there." Oh, the wall with poster for theBig Gay Cowboy Movie on it? That straight wall? Well here's somethingthat everyone else now knows but that guy: he's probably gay. Beingsilent marks you as too cool to care about how other men see you. Itmeans you're comfortable and not freaked by your own naked shadow. DidSteve McQueen go around squawking about how straight-as-a-wall he was?No, he didn't. He was too busy being stoic and manly.
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3. The good news — there's less than one minute of making outIt's about 130 minutes long and 129 of them are about Men Not HavingSex. So yes, maybe it will be the longest almost-60 seconds of yourlife, but there it is. Less than one minute. In fact, it's 129 minutesof really intense longing and sadness and unabashedly weepy, doomedlove story. In a very real way that's a lot more porny than any of theman-on-man canoodling that made it past the editing room. But if you'regoing to be a big sissy about it then you can go get her that Diet Cokeand jumbo popcorn during the first major sex scene. And no pluggingyour ears and singing "Mary Had a Little Lamb," either. All singing isinherently gay, is why. Plus you'll be in a movie theater and some bigbruiser gay guy might kick your butt. Then you'll feel even moreemasculated.
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4. Remember that it's a westernAnd the script was adapted by none other than Total Dude LarryMcMurtry. That guy is the coolest western writer in the country. Hewrote "Lonesome Dove." You love "Lonesome Dove." In fact, the onlyproblem with remembering that it's a western is having to ignore thefact that most westerns are about 1000 percent gay. If you think I'mmaking that up, just go watch "Red River" again.
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5. They're tortured and you get to feel sorry for themJust like in that Tom Hanks movie, these gay guys get kicked around alot. It's set in the 1960s and the characters played by Heath and AJdon't even know they're gay. They think they're just regular straightguys who suddenly find themselves all turned on by each other and,honestly, don't even really understand why they're awash in yucky,hypnotic love feelings. Actually wait… you know what? Don't think aboutthat too much. Better if you just forget about the "why" of it all andstart rooting for these underdogs. Pretend they're like Sean Astin in"Rudy."
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6. Anne Hathaway, who plays AJ's wife, gets topless. The EndI think it's fair to report this and here's why: as a gay man, the onlyreason I even agreed to sit through the really stupid remake of "TheLongest Yard" was because one of my friends told me you get to see thewrestler Goldberg in the shower. In one scene. That's it. I sat throughthe whole thing for one scene. In that respect, my hetero pals, we areall brothers deep inside — it's just a different brand of naked fleshthat ignites our prurience.
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7. And finally, it's just your turnReally, it is, and you know it. Imagine how many thousands of heterolove stories gay people sit through in their lives. So you kind of oweus. Now get out there and watch those cowboys make out.
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posted by faux chink @ 6:13 AM
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