Maybe the Next Best Thing
i got an email from an old friend yesterday and it got me thinking (as usual) about what has happened in my life so far. i've known this girl since college and technically a little before actually. knowing that i was going to school waaaay out of state, i decided to use the internet to possibly find friends (as much as the internet can afford that is) before i got to campus and then maybe i wouldn't feel like such a dorkus. not that i was painfully shy in high school, i don't think, but just in general i knew it would be nice to "know" someone amongst all the potential stress of a new life. anyhow, so i met her on aol in some kind of chat room or whatever and we got along and so we set out to hang out once we got to campus.
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don't worry, she turned out to not be a pyscho, or just pyscho enough to be refreshing. we became instant friends and in some ways i enjoyed her company a lot because she happened to be one of the rare friends outside of architecture that i was able to maintain in contact with. anyways, another reason i guess what made her special was because more or less i think she was the last girl i seriously considered as a potential for something more serious, back in the days where i was still a resident of Bi-ville and hadn't moved on to Gay-town yet... but had been definitely "tunnel and bridge" crowd for a while already. anyways, long story made short, this girl made me realize that there just wasn't much there for me with chicks (unless heavily intoxicated as i later found out, funny story there) when it came down to the nitty gritty...hmm..or lack there of heh heh. but...we still were friends despite that small debacle and comedy of errors.
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actually a year after i had failed in my attempt to bring myself to quote unquote... seal the deal, i finally brought myself toa ctually...verbally that is...reveal my sexuality to her (i had to wait for my permanent rainbow card to come down you know). her expression, like most girls i have come out to, was... uh, duh... i figured that out a while ago honey... and its ok, i don't take it personally that you didn't want to boink me. haha, no, that latter statement was not uttered mind you. anyhow, we have been good friends ever since even though she has decided to make her life on the other side of the world.
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which brings me to my actual point of her email that she sent. it was a pretty run of the mill actually but what got me "thinking" was that she mentioned how she and her boyfriend have been doing. this is the boyfriend that she met i believe during sophomore year in college and have been with, more or less, since then... so that makes it almost...hmmm... at least 6 years? and eventhough, it wasn't a full 6 years, because they were that couple that sort of broke up and made up continually, it still amazes me that people like that still sort of ... end up together.
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of course understand my position, as someone who has yet to see any relationship last more than six months, let alone six years! i actually have another friend too who pretty much occupies the same position, having been in and out of a relationship with a guy and actually is sort of "psuedo-married" to him (complicated and sensitive story) now. anyways, what makes both of these girls the same, is that the relationship that "I" share with them (their boyfriends being relatively less "my" friends) has often been marked by distinct conversations centering around... "oh my god, i am so through with him, the guy is pyscho!". of course they have also been punctuated (like swiss cheese!) with statements of "but he loves me" or "he is so good to me". maybe it's just my character, but i am often more apt to think, if you are so "through" with him, than aren't you just through with him... and even if he is so good to you or loves you, does that automatically make you love him. do you love him because he loves you? what kind of silly "raison d'etre" is that?
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these are some of the eternal questions of love i guess. but aren't you straight girls glad that you have your prized acessory gay male friends to bitch too and say... god, why can't my boyfriend just be more like YOU!!! but that actually also wants to pound me like the dirty bitch i am. haha. all in good fun kiddies. seriously though, what would i know about what it takes (in terms of what you "give up to gain") to have a "long term relationship" (even if not stable or consistent)???
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as one of the gazillion single persons out there, some questions to be asked... when is the value of "just" being attached worth the hassle of being attached? when does someone make you happy enough for you to put up with their shit? when will you find someone that will put up with your shit? haha. i don't assume to know any of the answers of course, or even know if these questions are ultimately valuable.
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hmmm, here's another way of framing the question. would i trade shoes with these two girls i know who have had long long relationships that most likely will settle into marriage, more or less, but still have had such a rocky history of growing apart, coming together, or... should i say... just settling? i don't know, in my aries like optimism, i kind of would want to say i want "love" and "passion" and all of it true and genuine. if it doesn't work, than fuck it, let's go our own ways and find something that does work? if but only for a moment in my ADD mentality. but on the other hand... my virgo ascendant pragmaticism kind of wonders... is there a special type of growth, maturation, or at least insight that springs from not so perfect relationships? is there something to be gained from fucked up relationships, other than a restraining order and STD's?
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maybe ultimately it's like good friends. for better or for worse, you've been together so long that you kind of have just gotten use to each other's shit...and in some sort of weird masochistic way, you kind of dig it? but above it all, you value them because of who they are, and not necessarily who you wish they could be. of course you poke and nod and are full of self righteous "suggestions", but YOU ultimately make the choice if you can stand them or not. if so, you maintain the friendship, if not, you get outta town. hmmm... it does sound like a relationships... not so perfect, but maybe the next best thing.
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posted by faux chink @ 7:53 PM
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