Cum et Sine Vox
this evening i had an enjoyable time with my frend chris, whom i know through roberto, hanging out at the boylston bar named "vox", which means voice in latin. the bar is decorated in an urban hip way with visual blurbage on various interior surfaces, to sort of give the feeling of an exploded library i guess. anyhow, i had a chill time, as always, with chris, musing over various topics that have been running through our lives. one conversation that particularly perked my attention revolved around the feeling of a ring around your finger. now of course, for chris, who is married, this was about his wedding ring. i am not exactly sure if that brought up the conversation but i had mentioned that i had just recently lost a ring that i had been wearing for years. it was the ring i had bought when i was in mykonos and forever since except for a semester when it was part of an installation piece i did at cornell, i had always had it on. now, over the years it had slipped off occansionally because it is a little big an in places like the shower, etc, it had slipped off my fingers and hit the tub with a loud whack, alerting to me that i had lost it of course. and even once i believe it had slipped off while i was sleeping and i looked for it for the longest time to only find it within my sheets.
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however, i have lost it this time in not so opportune of a place. actually, it might be stuck in my sheets for all i know, but in essence i don't know where it is and i could go crazy looking for it so i just don't bother. but man, to think that its been in contact with my body for years, and now, without any fanfare at all, gone. i still unconsciously play with what would have been the ring on my finger, a sort tick that developed over the years but now, sans ring, does not make much sense.
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so this gets me thinking on something completely unrelated. at the begginning of this blog i had made a fleeting comment that i was dating someone new and that originally i thought the blog should start in order to document the progression of my exploits with this guy. however, even if i wanted to, i am begginning to doubt that will ever materialize. now, i met the beau a few weeks ago and we have gone out a handful of time, not once or twice, but really not like ten times either. but all in all i have had a very good time with him and in general, feel like it is something to keep an eye out for potential development. however, life being as fickle as it is, or maybe just me, the last time i physically hung out with him, i was constantly preoccupied with this feeling of... hmmm, do i really see myself with this person? now granted, maybe it was just my attitude that night and in general i try to avoid those judgements because i think sometimes i really do mentally pre-destine any kind of relationship i have or could have. but still, the last time i met him, i kept thinking... hmmm, do i actually want to see him again?
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so anyways, this was almost two weeks ago. the week following our last meet he actually was leaving town for a week for work and i happened to call him i believe the night he was leaving to see if he wanted to hang out because i happen to be in his part of town. i didn't expect really to meet and we didn't but he called me the next day just to say hello and left a message bc i didn't get it. now... that has been almost two weeks now and i have yet to call him and he has yet to call me. now...this is my quandrary of cum et sine vox...or with or without voice.
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what does it mean, at this stage of a relationship, the very earliest stage, when someone calls you, and you don't return it, and then they don't return it? at this stage, is this phone calling game automatically a one to one relationship? or are we just playing a game of "chicken"? so let me repeat, i call him and leave message, he call me to return the message by leaving one, i have yet to call him back, and he has yet to call me back. have i sent a subtle message to him that i am not interested simply because i didn't return his call? or is he actually taking the opportunity to sort of sulk away because in general it is expected to sort of have a one to one calling relationship? and why am i concerned in the first place? in all honesty, i can't tell if we really had any potential. at times i think yes, but at many times i think no. so in some ways, this generates a particular apathy on my part that i think could be sending a distinct message of .. "i am NOT interested" any more.
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but that's not really true though. i am interested to a "degree" i think. but if you were to ask me if there was a "za-za-zoom" there, i'd be hard pressed to say so, maybe a "bada-bing-bada-bang" but not a "za-za-zoom". but i don't want to come off as one of those assholes that just stop calling. because i HATE when guys do that. but at the same time, what am i suppose to do? call him and say, hey, sorry i haven't called, i have just been really busy, how have you been, you wanna hang out sometime? hmm...i guess that doesn't hurt. if nothing else, i wanna be friends. but how do you necessarily tell a guy...you know, you're nice, but not excatly sure if there is something "more" here? haha... why not just that? is it an ego thing? what if the guy was very non-chalant and said, yeah, i don't think there is anything there. i mean, logically, if someone who you weren't very interested in, also said the same to you...wouldn't you feel kind of relieved, relieved in the sense you wouldn't have to feel like you were giving wrong messages or whatever? but one can't deny that it's kind of cool to just be wanted...at your whim no? maybe that just conceited. but when the ball is in your court, there's a degree of smugness in it.
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ultimately it is ego i think. you avoid asking because either answer is going to suck and relieve in some way. if he agrees that there's nothing there, you're relieved but disappointed of not being wanted... if he says he thinks something's there, you feel like an asshole or you feel the guy is potential psycho stalker, but you get a little buzz from the admiration. its much easier to sort of just let things blow over and hope you won't meet each other in the street.
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a recent sex and the city episode was about the "ghosts" of relationship pasts that haunt us. i think you don't even have to be in a relationship to be haunted. simply the people you are just begginning to know but realize or think you realize that you aren't "really" clicking become the ghost that haunt you if you don't take care of them. and of course, there are those really pyscho people that become stalkers after you have been honest to them. they rather preferred to just be ignored but when you're blunt and say its just not happening, then they take offense. go figure.
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but i do "believe" in honesty. i think i should call this guy and just say...hey what's up? and in all honesty, i am far from "giving up" on the fellow. but i am intrigued why he hasn't called... and of course why i haven't. i should give up the ghost and gain my voice back.
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funny enough, the cold i had before it more a cough now so speaking is slightly strained. that's my excuse for the moment for not calling him.
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posted by faux chink @ 11:03 PM
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