In the Mood for Love
haha... i'd like to tell all the negative two people who read this blog that i think i'm in love. it's sort of has half dawned on me numerous times before but maybe its the approaching valentine holdiday that just made my mind drift towards a clearer crystalization of my feeling...despite ultimately being just another day dream. but ahhh, yes... i am in love. i have come to know a certain gentleman that pervades my thoughts with distinct periodicity, from the hot and heavy visualizations of us potentially getting it on that float in and out of my imagination, to the quiet subtle rememberances of conversations we've had and jokes we shared and uneasy silences we've held. its funny how such a feeling dawns on you.
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when i first met this fellow i didn't really figure much into him i have to honestly say. i had just gotten out of a relationship (no bad feelings) and i guess i needed time to re-tool my brain. maybe that's why i didn't see him at that time for the utterly desireable person i see him today. maybe. or maybe its that he has also changed as much as i have maybe. at first seemingly aloof, i decided to play the game as well, never initiating any meeting or conversation but always simply replying. however, do not think i was ever passive. no i am too cunning for that. indeed, i was such the flirt. and i realized, flirting is great fun. and maybe that's what we had at first was simply just flirting... skirting the issue of attraction with thinly veiled pokes and jabs of good natured fun and naughtiness. honestly its the time in a relationship i enjoy the most... when you are really getting to know someone but with distinct sexual edginess. and funny enough, my need to sort of not really think in sexual terms i think aged our interactions like fine wine... mellowed with a bouquet of what might be possible, if we only let it. its that sort of potential that is like electricity i think... of course, the person, well both... must have that primeval, elemental spark to begin with. chemistry... it's all in the pheramones.
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hmmm, a little side track, but one of my favorite scenes in Angel in America is where one of them is smelling the other and he says something to the effect that scent is the most intimate of the senses... little molecules of one person being taken in and wonderfully registered like fireworks by the other.
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haha, i'm not excatly sure what he smells like though if you're wondering. but i do know how he makes me feel. its not necessarily that he tries to make me feel good, but in some strange way, his kindness is palpable, and his clumsy earnestness is enduring, and ridiculously sexy might i add. he's the man that i secretly look forward to talking to everyday, not so that we can flirt more of course, but that we can pretend like we're not flirting. he makes me laugh in an effortless way, and he surprises me with small histories and facts that i find usually trivial but all the more revealing about who he is. he let's me make fun of him with my witty repotoire but shoots me down when necessary. in an unassuming way, he reveals a person who i'd love to hate... no not hate... but love to... hmmm. all i am thinking of is a good game of tennis with a friend who is just as able as you are. on one hand, its the thrill of being able to beat someone who is just as good at the game as you are...or just as bad, depends on how you see it... and on the other hand, its the thrill of simply just playing, seeing what else can arise from a game of tennis.
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i wouldn't say he's anywhere close to what i'd always thought "my" perfect man would be, but somehow, he has grown on me. all i know is that i look forward to seeing him again and he inspires the silly fantasies about "life" that i indulge in in the sweet moments before falling asleep or fully waking. he is a man who has never tried to woo me, and he is a man i have never tried to woo, but like two magnets, its simply a matter of distance before you find them sticking. as carrie would say... there's often the bada bing bada bang.... but only once in a while...do you find the za za zoom.
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sigh, but dear reader... in reality... that harsh state, this little love of mine really is just like two magnets... that just haven't been pushed close enough yet. and i fear that the polarity of the earth moves much faster than you realize. but sweet nothings are sweet nonetheless. in a perfect world, this might be a man, despite his many imperfections, and my virgo like obsession to pre-determine any potential union as disastrously failing... this might be a man who would, if love is a leap of faith... inspire me to jump.
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posted by faux chink @ 10:25 PM
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