The Head, Heart, Dick Trinity
.... or "Boyfriend 101", a book i bought a few years back and just had an itching to get off the book shelf again. basically its a gay man's guide to "dating, love, and romance". all that jazz. now of course you must are curious why the hell i am looking at a guide to "dating, love, and romance". well basically because, this week, i've decided to go on my first real... in the sense, that from the get go i didn't consider it "just hanging out"... or "for friends only"... kind of thing... my first real date... since i have been back into houston. to be honest though, i'm not even sure i want to date, but that was my itch this week... to go on a "date"... a full blown... i would like to take you to dinner, would you like to go out with me... kind of date. haha. so i indulged my itch and it felt pretty good... now... the outfall.
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well... it more or less started like any other week, monday night or whenever, chatting online, and i started talking to this guy that i've been conversing with on and off since i've been here actually... and that i have been constantly meaning to go out on a "just hanging out" date with. anyways, basically i was just like... well, do you wanna go out sometime this week? and he had already said yes to hanging out before, so i guess it wasn't that much of an accomplishment. anyways, we decided to do dinner... not the easy move of going to a movie, where you don't necessarily have to talk and actually show yourself as a real person.... but a dinner, two or so hours of saying who you are and acting psuedo interested in what the other person is... haha.
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if nothing else, my first date with this guy, i'm gonna term him SM for now (those are just his initials! nothing else!) bc i'm not exactly sure how much more he'll appear here, so not to waste the mental energy and typing energy on extra letters, was at least a chance to go to this restaurant in houston that i've been meaning to go to since last summer.... benjy's. it was in rice village, kind of the psuedo greenwich village... so to speak... of houston that is. hmmmm. anyways, i got there a little early and he got there a little late, but it was cool... i had a short conversation with roberto who i have been meaning to catch up with for a while... a phone call that continued after my date. anyways... despite having reservations, our table wasn't ready till like 20 minutes later but at least they had a lounge/bar where me and SM could do, for lack of a better word... a "pre-date".
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our "pre-date" sucked. i mean, my first visual impression of SM was that he was an allright looking guy, kind of haggard looking, as if he hadn't slept in a while, but "sweet looking". my impression of SM after 10 minutes of mainly me talking ( not bc i was being a blowhard, but bc his answers were pretty mono-syllabic), i was thinking... is this guy mute? or just terribly shy and nervous. if the latter, i guess thats "kinda" cute.... but still.... say "something". maybe i also push too hard for superficial conversation... but come on.. what else do you do on a first date? he later told me he was nervous bc he thought i was cute... which i guess is ok... ha. anyways.... we waited at the bar for 20 minutes for our table and finally we got it.
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i have to admit after 20 minutes he did thaw out a little... and over the course of the next hour meal, we actually did had some good... two-way... conversation. he even waxed eloquent for momemt or two when asked about his job. eventually in the end, i was thinking... hmmm... not bad... but i'm not blown away. put in another way... i decided to end the evening after dinner, no afterwards coffee or dessert.... but with a statement that we should "do this again". he seemed the not really know how to proceed after dinner either so the suggestion that we end it as it was, was taken amicably. actually right after wards, i couldn't tell if he liked me either.
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i was telling some of my new friends here in houston when we went out saturday night, about my new attitude towards "finding friends and/or dates"... and its similar to what i was telling robert. maybe it was just this week, trying to satiate my itch for dating... but i todl robert, that in some ways... the only way you really go out on a "date"... is if you mentally actually consider it a "date". there is a degree of mental acrobatics i think gay men have to go through when it comes to dating. i mean, since i've been in houston... and maybe even the last semester back at harvard, i was alwasy in this mentality of "let's just hang out and see what happens". i think i remember even writing a blog entry about having a "real" date. this week it dawned on me that i haven't had a "real date" in almost forever, prob since sam... or at least it felt that way. everything since then has exactly been the sort of totally non-commital proposal of "hanging out". but now... i'm dating... which again makes me wonder now... do i want to "date"?
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part of my dilemna is that i am also trying to find real friends here in houston.. and gay friends at that. and the issue with finding gay friends is that there is always this murky line of sex and friendship...especially amongst gay men. i really try NOT to sleep with people i consider friends. maybe at the begginning of our relationship there is this foggy zone... but i try to locate in it one category as soon as possible usually... friend, fuckbuddy, boyfriend prospectus. then again, someone comes up to mind that i have a wonderful time being friendly with, consistently have sexual tension with, have hooked up with once, but really don't expect to again (or wish to actually... although "want" is another issue). so what about that? i dunno. my decree of the moment, as i explained to my new friends (who yes... i have NOT slept with)... is that i am now going to consciously put "hooking up" on the back burner... across the board for any person i encounter who might actually become part of my life. thsi basically means, if i choose to meet a new guy "as a friend"... it shall be clear and completely non-sexual. if i meet a guy on a date... i'm intend to hold out for a lot longer than i usually do, in the fear that, if we don't click as potential boyfriend prospects, then at least we can be friends, because we wouldn't have that weird sex wrench thrown into the gears, so to speak. of course, anybody who i couldn't imagine really being my "real" life...well, they are game for hooking up.
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sounds a little harsh and calculating does it? well... my hope is that it will save me some headache later and not burn any bridges that i haven't crossed yet or have. and in a way... i think it does put the pressure off of having sex right away for the guy/ guys i'm dating. so far, i've met a handful of guys that are becoming real friends, half of them, i thought i might have more with, but realized that at this point in my life, they really are better at just being "friends". and as of now, i have gone out on one date with really what was... a sweet guy. maybe not completely opening up... but sweet. hope he can wait for the goodies. haha.
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so i won't say my first date with SM knocked my socks off... but it was nice... and he paid for dinner... a real gentleman i must say. we was a gentleman enough for me to think of him only two days later when actually a guy who i was suppose to go out didn't call... this was suppose to be a "movie" date... the other guy's suggestion i have to add... but i was gonna try to squeeze dinner in as well. so i asked SM if he wanted to catch the movie i was suppose to catch with some other guy (not in those words of course). and he said, yeah... so we went and watched the Illusionist.. which was a very cute romance kind of movie. and we talked a little bit more, and SM seemed to be able to open up... not that the 10 minutes of time before a movie started really requires that much talking... but still... i felt he was getting comfortable. the one thing i do like about movies and movies during dates... is that you can lightly brush yoru arms together as you jostle for the shared armrest. its the little bit of body heat that for me... is quite the turn on. i mean.... correct me if i am wrong, but when you're out with someone you "may" like... just a little bit of body contact might as well be a lightning bolt. after the movie was over, we walked to the car... and i was feeling it was late too so didn't suggest coffee or anything after... and again... i was thinking this is nice and i don't need anymore. what happened after surprised me in the sense of what he did, and also a little in the sense of what i did.
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maybe this is what he does on "second dates" (was this our second date?) but he stretched out his arms, to give me a good old bear hug.. and he's has a little bit of a belly... so it was kind of teddy bearish... haha. anyways, we hugged and... i dunno... in a split second i was kind of doing the european sort of side face kiss which i do horrible and always end up kissing an ear or neck... this time a neck. split second decision... land a nice sweet 2 second kiss on his lips... and then say "goodnight". he smiled. and that was our second date.... driving home i noticed the almost forgotten feeling of a slight burn on your lips after kissing stubble.... so indelibly sexy.
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another two days later we set up our third date... which originally was suppose to be a second, as HE asked me out again the day after our first date (aren't you suppose to wait 3 days?? haha). our third date involved dinner and shooting some pool. this date was probabaly the most confusing for me in helping me decide what my opinion of SM is. dinner started off well, there was energy and familiarity... but somehow as it went on... it got a little stale... again, he sort of clam-ed up and i didn't know what else to say. there were even some moments of looking around, which i actually unconsciously do because i am observing architecture and space, but i think other people read as complete dis-interest. good thing the meal was almost over and we decided to go shoot some pool. pool itself may have been a bad choice... as i was completely not in my element that evening... and despite SM saying he was a bad player... which i do believe... i managed to lose even worse... twice. we're talking about having half your balls on the table when the 8 ball is sunk. at least it didn't take too long. i dunno, i don't think losing made me get in a sullen mood... but his quiet-ness again made me feel as if nothing really was going on.
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he drove me back to my car and i was pretty resolved that this would probably be our last date. i dunno, there just wasn't all that much "chemistry" i guess... i was wondering where that feeling of split second decisions to kiss... went to. saying our goodbyes, i got out of the car saying.. i had a nice time, hope you have a good week (notice no statement of wanting to do this again). and then it all changed.
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he came out of the car as well... walked over and stretched out his arms for another hug goodbye... but this one postured clearly also for a kiss. and i dunno... that's when the fire ignited so to speak. for a split second, i didn't know to just hug or to kiss... but he kissed me this time.... and a soft, gentle one.... the kind ones... that really get you going. so not to get into graphic detail we ended up going back in his car and making out... real high school like making out, nothing more, nothing less... for like 10 minutes. and i really have to say... it was a lot of fun... and there was chemistry. i dunno if it was because i was starving for it, but there was something there.
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and the funniest tidbit happened afterwards. we finally stopped and said goodnight again (actually he said it which i respect even though i think i could have kept kissing) and i got out of his car, he drove away,a nd i was driving back home when i realized my phone wasn't with me. now the last time i distinctly remember having it was back at the restaurant, so i went inside and asked about my phone. eventually the hostess called my number and low and behold... haha... it wasn't in the restaurant... it somehow fell out of my pocket into SM's car. haha... this looks like some desperate attempt to get him back... haha... i hope he doesn't think so... but even if he does... wouldn't be so bad.
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SM drove back, gave me my phone... said i didn't have to go to all that trouble just to get him back to kiss me again... i smile. kissed him again. sweet. we part. a stronger sensation of burning lips that comfort me all the way back home and keep my mind occupied while trying to fall asleep.
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my book "boyfriend 101" speaks about a necessary trinity of fulfillment that the members in the dating game are trying to well...fullfill.... the trinity of head, heart, and dick. its pretty obvious what this trinity is of course... so i was thinking... after 3 dates... and the potnetial for more... how does this first foray into "dating".. stack up... how does SM fulfill my head, heart, and dick? i discussed this with my friend.... so far... SM seems like he could have the mental goods.... he's not ivy league... and i'm trying to not be an academic snob.... but he seems to have his head on right. he doesn't pique my intellectual interest much but he's intelligent enough to carry on a real conversation. heart? i feel "good" with him... i think... i feel... whatever. he's genuinely sweet i think... kind... open hearted i think once you are in his heart. he's definitely not a player. dick wise? well... i dunno about that fully.... but if kissing is an indication.... he's got some game.
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my friend tells me... i'd keep it going.... see where it goes. i think so too. the lacking i feel right now from him... could understandably be logical due to the really short amount of time we known each other... i shouldn't expect to fall head over heels or be romanced off my feet. i should be so over that romantic crap... haha. we all secretly yearn for it... you can tell from my enjoyment of "soft, kind" kisses.
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so we'll see.
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i was going to write about the rest of this week too as there was some cool stuff that happened other than my "dates" but maybe in another entry. i'm sure my few readers' eyes have long since glazed over.
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may all of you find the holy trinity. ;-)
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posted by faux chink @ 8:17 PM
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