5.12.2008

Back in the Game

OK, blog readers, buckle up buttercup, because this is gonna be a juicy entry! i’m going to kick it off right and just go to the skinny and admit to you a little secret of mine. well, its really not much of a secret, at least to friends around Houston, but i guess since the blog is read mostly by friends a bit further away … it might comes as a bit of a shock. the secret is … that basically until relatively recently, i haven’t gotten laid in “like forever”. now, i bet you’re wondering … god?! was that a secret?!! haha… well, the simple fact is that i hadn’t hooked up or even gone out on a date even since last year around Halloween or so. chalk it up to simply being busy (holidays and parties galore last “season”) or traveling (china, hong kong, and japan) or simply just not being in the mood … the past half year has been a bit of the doldrums in the bedroom.
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the funny thing is, the past few weeks, more or less since my birthday funny enough .. it has been far from the doldrums … more like a nice April shower … that brings May flowers!! haha… yeah whatever. i have always described my sex life like rains in india or some weird place like africa … it’s either “drought” or “monsoon/flood”. another way of seeing it is that in the past say 6 weeks (more like 3 weeks really), i’ve gotten laid more than i have in the past 6 months, or really in the past year actually. so yeah … i’ve been busy. mind you i am not just opening up my legs for every Tom, Dick, and Harry (haha!... all depends on your definitions i guess) but i am also trying to go on “serious” dates to get to know one another more .. at least a little before prying open legs.
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of course, with every sea change of lifestyle so to speak, i like to ruminate on number one, why the previous condition occurred, and two, why the current condition occurred or is occurring. to answer question one, i go back to the notion that it was a mix of basically being busy with “life” in general and also being not particularly interested in guys. but come on alex, not even getting some ass .. you are still a man right? yes, i am, and its not like i didn’t get horny from time to time. but i dunno, for a while, there was a notion in my head that i didn’t want to entertain hooking up just for the sole pleasure of doing so … that everything that could be physical could only be so after a mental / psychological connection … or basically, i didn’t want to sleep with anyone unless i really thought they were worthwhile dating material seriously. however, a lot of people will admit that this is often an impasse in the gay search for love of course.
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oh well, but slowly (or maybe not so slowly), i’ve sort of molted that shell and have had a much more relaxed so to speak view of sex and love of late. taking a pulse at the moment, i’d still have to admit that finding a “boyfriend”… or god, just someone that is fun to date, is the goal right now … but my attitude towards just “meeting” people for “fun” .. is like i said, much more relaxed. an interesting hybrid i have been trying out of late is basically the cross of the fast and dirty, “come over and lets fuck” hookup and the full blown “lets go on a date” hookup. this version is the “let’s meet for drinks, get some liquid courage, and then go back to my or your place” .. so technically its not a “random” hookup, but its far from the expectations of a real date where we pretend to not want to give it up so easily.
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how do i feel about that though? well, maybe that’s the best way to show my attitude towards the “game” at the moment … in short, i don’t have really any feeling about it. its sort of sense of acceptance of the “game of play” that pervades my quest for sex or love at the moment. the core thing is that there’s great fluidity … if i get the sense that a potential partner wants to play the “dating” game, rules are drawn up for that, and i go on first dates that end in nothing racier than a long hug. and if a boy is hitting me up online at 3AM wanting to come over and blow me … well, then its pretty obvious that the word “dating” is not the first thing on his mind (but of course i have also realized that real relationships (be they successful or not eventually) can evolve from plain and simply “booty calls”). the thing is … EVERYTHING is game now and i have little expectation for things.
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in some ways it sounds pessimistic … as if i was so jaded by the “game” that i’ve acquiesced to the “game” and am letting it take me for a ride because i can’t help myself. in contrary, right now, i feel in decent control of my situation, and i believe i am actually enjoying the potential polyvalent nature of the game of love and sex, sex and love, sex with love, love with sex, etc, etc. instead of pessimism, i see it as a variation of optimism and open-ness… a belief that you can “love” in many different guises and that love itself shifts masks all the time. at the core of things, there is a kernel of hope that someone out there can be mine, and only mine … there is “hope”. in contrast, the past few months probably have been more typified by a reluctance to “get out there” because i didn’t want to risk being hurt… because I didn’t feel like entertaining the notion of “possibly” being happy with another was worth the potential downside. in some ways, now i have rewrote the pathways of exchange, or the currencies of love, in the sense, that i’m trying to negate all sense of potential debt, and saying that its trade itself … an economy of love, where the denominations can indeed include kissing, touching, sucking, and fucking … that generates its own value.
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how that really works, i have no idea. i was always bad in economics, but like china dipping its proverbial toes in the waters of the free market, there’s the sense of openness and the value of simply having it … despite what may happen.
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so on the radar of late, there have been “blips” that involve a devastatingly cute 21 year old (am i kidding myself?! see how “open” i am?) that flakes out on actually meeting (of course) but seems quite happy and content to simply flirt, a handsome 25 year old Apple nerd tech junkie who is articulate and kisses well (amongst other things) and who shares a palpable love of travel and cultures like i do, and a hopefully promising 32 year old with beautiful blue eyes who i’m crossing my fingers returns my emails soon. that of course are the “dating” blips; they themselves have been floating in a sea of much less definable and loosely associated “other” blips. i’ll leave that to your imagination.
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chalk it up to the summer heat!
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1 Comments:

At 12:31 AM, Anonymous Hector Cole said...

Hey, Carrie Bradshaw, who shot your editor?

 

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