The Secret Life of Bananas & Other Fruitful Tales

i have been listening to the song "goodbye my lover" by james blunt continously whenever i have been in my car for the past weekend. it's an amazingly beautiful song and for some reason, it hits close to home to what i am going through right now. as i alluded to in my previous post, the past few weeks have been very up and down, probably a reaction from the stress and sheer physical exhaustion from "home improving". my man ron though has been here with me throughout most of it though, but at this moment, i have to honestly say, i'm not sure if he'll continue this journey with me or not. there's been just a lot of confusion between us especially the past week, and i'm not sure how it will all pan out. i was listening to this song on my drive home today, after an afternoon of building a new wall in my bedroom to block a window (feng shui... nuff said) and i just kept listening to it. by the time i was off the interstate, for some reason , it just hit me, and i started crying. i don't know if it was just the final breaking point for all this sense of fear and loss i have been having the past few days, or if it was just me "needing" a good cry... a cathartic therapy... maybe a little of both though. it felt good after it ran its course though.

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when i last left off with this blog, ron and i had been really dating about a month or so. things were going really really well. i was clearly falling for this man... a guy for some reason, made me laugh and amused me, and made me feel as if he really ... cared... for me. and not central to my growing fondness of him, but the physical intimacy between us was getting better and better... it was amazing simply said. a month ago, i was feeling the first twinges of love... hmm, maybe not love per se... but at least real interest that this guy was definitely worth looking into. our fifth weekend together, he verbalized that he indeed really liked me, and we had one of those silly flirty moments where its all about that simple innocent... "i feel good when you're with me" feeling. the following night i asked him if he wanted to go "steady"... or be "exclusive". he said he would. now one thing mind you, gay man, especially must have a clear verbal agreement about exclusivity or its still open season. i mean, at least on my part, it wasn't hard as i wasn't seeing anyone else... and pretty much, didn't want to see anyone else. i looked forward to ron coming every weekend... and started wishing he'd be around even some more. i told him once it was too bad we'd only have had the weekends... and he'd said he "was working on it". hmm... that made me smile, be it true or not, then or now.... at least at that moment, i knew he was completely into me... and i him.

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our affection blossomed even more after that... at least on my side i guess. i started thinking what i should get for him for christmas... and it didn't take long for me to realize it. during one of our first conversations (something for some reason i feel we haven't really have had in a while) he mentioned that he had always wanted these pair of lamps that were in the living room of I Love Lucy... lamps made out of asian statuary, topped off with an asian coolie hat. i sort of had an idea of what he was talking about, so i went online to see if i could find something unique like that. after searching for a while i realized that to really get what i was imagining at least, i'd have to make it. on and off for two weeks i gathered material for a pair of lamps... wood bases, lamp kits, coolie hats, and a pair of cute asian statues off ebay. a week i spent on the various details of making the pair of lamps. in the end they turned out pretty nice i have to say... definitely hand-made but i hoped he appreciated it and realized how much i was into him to have "made" something... i hope. the final touch to the piece was to inscribe one of my favorite chinese sayings on it. my dad helped me out with his pretty calligraphy, hmmm... if only he knew he was helping me with my ...er... boyfriend's... christmas present... haha. i chose the chinese saying... "As far as the edge of heaven, as close as in front of your eyes". and since i'm one to relish serendipity, i also hid a little treasure inside one of the lamps... i think in the lamp that had "as close as in front of your eyes" written on it. i wrote a little love note to him and rolled it up inside the status before gluing it to the base. if someday fate has it that he finds it, no matter where he is or where i am, i hope it makes him smile, that at one point in time, he had successfully stolen my heart.

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alas, the second month of our relationship has proven to be somewhat more difficult... mostly i must admit because of my own failing in some way. not necessarily failings i guess, but more aptly... inexperience at feeling this much emotion for another person. it's been a while at least. and maybe it has just been the stress of this house...despite the fact that anyone who has helped me so far should have to deal with my emotional upheavals, but ironically they are the ones who get it. and also there has been small things that have started to really bother me about ron... well actully nothing specifically with him... but the feeling that of late... i have been dating not only ron... but also his roommate. and nothing against her i have to admit, she is nice enough... but its just that it seems like ron... when i come over, isn't exactly dying to just spend time with me... he almost seems like he enjoys his roommate's time over mine. now of course, he would adamantly deny this and of course this may be just symptoms of being an attention whore... but one thing that is really begginning to annoy me... which i guess i was fine with at first... is.... that ron isn't affectionate to me when the roommate is around. i can understand the reason he gave that he its actually a way to keep the roommate at arm's length... but i'm beggining to feel that's not really an answer... seeing the fact that they talk and chat and i've learned of late that she has even gone back with him to Tyler and has met his parents and what-not. something just isn't right feeling about this... i dunno. i guess the best example i can think of now is when ron told me that his roommate once made the comment to him... so are you guy's like dating because alex is over here all the time. ron's said he just gave her a funny look and changed the topic. but you know, after thinking about it for a while... for some reason i feel actually kind of hurt by the way he handled it... for some reason... he didn't want to answer her question... for some reason... he didn't feel the need to tell her that we were "together".

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maybe this is why i'm beggining to feel distant from him.

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christmas was like that. and i really flipped for some strange reason. it started off fine enough actually. the roommate's boyfriend was actually in town, and he and ron are great buddies apparently... and we all four went out to eat. it was fun... really enjoyable. we came back and opened presents.... and for some reason... i dunno, if it was being tired, or maybe it was when the roommate was just talking to me... showing me pictures of her and her boyfriend and then pictures of her visiting ron's family.... and they're just laughing and carrying on... for some reason... i felt this amazing sense of being out of place... alienated.... by myself, by them... i dunno. but i just felt for some reason that i hadly knew him anymore... and that i was a distinct outsider on this world that he lived in.... and it wasn't just me and him anymore. i felt amazingly fragile at that moment and had to leave... and i left in such a bad way. for some reason i just reflected all this distance back onto him... and i can only guess how shocked ron felt. the poor boy had no idea what hit him. but you see... thats exactly it... he's part of the problem (i am as well)... but he just doesn't know... because i haven't voiced my concerns.

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esau tell me he can't understand why i haven't mentioned the fact that i'm getting tired of hanging out with the roommate... and also he can't fathom why ron is allowing it. in some strange way there is some truth to that. maybe if we get by this rough patch, what i need to do is simply express myself more.... share more of me. and i know ron would be interested.

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on my drive home from that debacle i realzied what a complete ass i had been and what a great guy i might be throwing away...so i called him back. in an exasperated tone i apologized profusely for acting the way i did and asked him to forgive me... i said he was the most special person in my life... and he is point be taken.

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we saw each other the next night but it was only very short. the following monday was christmas and to be truthful i had a shitty one... i worked on my house when i didn't want to and i felt unsure about how ron "really" took my outburst. the following week was tremendously difficult to me as well...as i didn't hear anything from ron for days. i was sure that he had decided that i wasn't worth the trouble. that i had really fucked this up.

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"i had really fucked this up." this phrase have pervaded my mind for the past two weeks... and its driving me crazy.

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he left sunday, and we talked briefly on wednesday, and he finally called me back on friday telling me he was soooo sorry for not calling back but work had been a bitch and that he was coming in saturday (this was new year's weekend). to be honest, we had a great weekend. i didn't get to spend too much time with him during the day as i was right in the midst of building my porch... but he did stop by and i thought that was amazingly sweet! we spent two nights together while he was here. i took him (and the roommate...arggg!) to esau's new years party and we had an OK time. i got totally trashed that night...too drunk to drive, went back to ron's place... and after throwing up and crashing on his bed... he came in an hour or two later...2-3AM? haha... and we mad sex for 2 or 3 hours. haha.... i'm telling you... our physicaly chemistry has only gotten better with time... of course... going to sleep at 5:30 to wake up at 7:30 to go work on my house... after drinking all night.... NOT A GOOD IDEA. i was so hung over my head was throbbing, i was ridiculously tired...and i was fucking roofing! haha.... ron stopped by before he headed back to tyler.... the boy is awfully sweet.

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but it has been the past week that again... for some reason, i'm pyscho again. well... not for lack of a good reason though. with out going into too much detail, basically something happened that made me really worry about the man i might want to get serious with... and i questioned him about it wednesday. i had already been really troubled by it that i guess maybe in my mind i had already come up with a verdict on the situation and when ron tried to explain himself... i immediately took it as a flat out lie. and he realized this and was extremely frustrated that it seemed that eventhough he was telling the truth, i refused to believe him... and that this was probably just an excuse to break up. this statement really caught me off gaurd and i told him if i wanted to break up with him... i prob would even care enough to give him an excuse...i'd simply say i wanted to break up.... but it was because i cared for him so much and could really see something good between us... that i needed to make sure about something.

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ultimately in the end i felt ridiculously confused and i didn't honestly know if i believed him or not. deep down, i think i am still very suspicious that he is indeed lying, but i realized that... if we look at precedent, he has never ever made me feel like he was ever dishonest with me...or even needed to be...so i realized that... i had two choices... one to choose to believe he was lying and to have that as a rift between us... or the other...to choose to trust him... and see how it plays out. one ends the situation clearly and avoids any development. the other makes you vulnerable to be extremely hurt.... but maybe that whole relationship based on trust thing has some merit in it. and trust doesn't have any meaning unless its consciously given i guess.... when it is a gamble, it means more.... because you know you might lose out but you have faith the other person will prove true. and trust is the necessary step to move us onto the next level.

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but it hurts. i know i hurt ron that night, and immediately after our conversation was over...i wished i hadn't had it. and right now i feel like i'm living the ramifications of it. like the week after christmas... the week after new year's has been very quiet. and this weekend... ron didn't come back to houston... it was his grandmother's birthday...and i know that is true. but i was just sooo disappointed that i couldn't see him... to just make sure...we were "OK". we last talked friday very briefly... he told me he wasn't coming in this weekend... but next. i tried to not register the disappointment in my voice but i think he heard it. he said he'd call back.... just two days ago. i shouldn't really get all worked up.

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but i am... the past few days i have really felt like i have fucked this up... again. yesterday i tried to keep myself as busy as possible... but i found myself looking at my phone to see if he called every 10 minutes. i'm so scared that i've fucked this up but at the same time i know i needed to do it...i just wish i did it "better". thank god esau has been around to at least keep my brain somewhat occupied... and i am sorry if i've talked his ear off about it. but for some reason i find myself so into this man that i am willing to put myself through this. only a few years ago, if i had gotten to this level... i'd would have just called it quits. but i guess this is a sign of maturity. love hurts.

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so driving home today, i broke down and cried in my car listening to this song. i miss him so much and i'm so scared that instead of bringing us closer, i have started unraveling what was just nascent. i don't know what to feel right now... its all new ground. and like i said, sometimes i feel like this is a sign to throw in the towel. i dunno... here's the lyrics to blunt's song. it's amazingly sad in its description of lost but somehow i like to think its also hopeful that even if there is lost, we'd somehow also gain something meaningful.

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Goodbye My lover

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Did I disappoint you or let you down?Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.So I took what's mine by eternal right.Took your soul out into the night.It may be over but it won't stop there,I am here for you if you'd only care.You touched my heart you touched my soul.You changed my life and all my goals.And love is blind and that I knew when,My heart was blinded by you.I've kissed your lips and held your head.Shared your dreams and shared your bed.I know you well, I know your smell.I've been addicted to you.Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.I am a dreamer but when I wake,You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.And as you move on, remember me,Remember us and all we used to beI've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.I've watched you sleeping for a while.I'd be the father of your child.I'd spend a lifetime with you.I know your fears and you know mine.We've had our doubts but now we're fine,And I love you, I swear that's true.I cannot live without you.Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.And I still hold your hand in mine.In mine when I'm asleep.And I will bear my soul in time,When I'm kneeling at your feet.Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

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