Boyfriend Math
question... what does 1/2 boyfriend plus 1/2 boyfriend equal?
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most likely just trouble i bet.... but i can't help it. ha. so i finally had "the" talk with mr. d... the talk of... what are "we"? god, i was so freaking nervous for some reason. this whole relationship communicating thing really has me for a roll i have to say... it always has. for someone who loves to talk, i certainly am inept when it comes to important things like this. so anyways, after work yesterday, i met up with mr. d. to have dinner. dinner itself was great but it was constantly overshadowed by a feeling of impending doom...ha... at least in the back of my head. turns out i was of course over-reacting. after dinner, i hung out at mr. d's place for a bit, partly bc i was actually stuffed with dinner and couldn't fathom driving home right then and there. so we were sitting on the couch, and really could have just continued sitting there like nothing was up but i eventually said... hey, can we talk? and well... long story made short... it wasn't bad at all. i told mr. d. that basically i'm not in the right place to get into anything serious... which is kind of true (the more complete truth is that he's just not the right guy for me to get out of that place of not wanting anything serious... but there was no need to say it that way)... and that i wanted to "talk" because i'd hate it if i was assuming one thing (non-commitment) and he was assuming something else (that we were a "thing"). but basically... he said that... well, he enjoyed hanging out with me and did like me, but now... well, he's not really going to... and never has thought of... really "pressuring" me to make anything "official" or "serious". i think his attitude basically was like... it would be nice and he would be willing to move forward on things... but he wasn't requiring it though. he was simply enjoying the here and now. he said, before... he might have been the person to really wanted to be "boyfriends" per se... but not now. i couldn't quite register if that meant he was jaded or himself not commital... but i dunno... just the fact that he didn't go pyscho on me, was good enough for me... at this time. so i decided to just leave it at that.... no direct statement of "let's just be friends"... or "we can date other people".... but just a sense that well.... we enjoy each other's company so let's just keep enjoying it... plain and simple. hmmm... good enough.
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when i got up to leave, we hugged, and he came in for a kiss, which at first i was hesitant with it... a little unsure if it was "right"... but i just decided, you know... one step at a time, one decision at a time. and the decision was just to say... i still want to see you and be part of your life. we will leave the technicalities of what we can/can't do or should/shouldn't do for another time. good enough.
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and now that mr. d. is 1/2 a boyfriend... somehow i've ironically have also landed upon another 1/2 a boyfriend. hence my mathematical query. i had mentioned that i had just randomly hooked up with a guy a week or two ago (just for plain fun and horniness honestly)... but that we had really clicked personality wise. well... i saw him again this past weekend. and since i spoke of serendipity in my earlier blog, this little get-together was also somewhat serendipitous. earlier this week he mentioned he'd be back in town friday... and i thought, well, since i don't leave for dallas till saturday... maybe we could hang out again (this time to really get to know one another as people). well turns out, he only got into town late friday night... so friday night he called wanting to hang out over the weekend, not knowing at the time i had to leave saturday morning. the serendipity was that he was coming from dallas and i was going to dallas. ha. well... we said we'd just find another time. but the story doesn't end there of course. i wake saturday, run some errands, and then literally an hour before i was scheduled to set off for dallas, i get notified that the dallas trip was cancelled and so i was staying in houston for the weekend after all. the first thing i thought of when i heard the news was... hey... i can hang out with that guy... the second thing i thought was... it would just be my luck if he had went back to dallas (because he had said the only reason he left dallas was because he wanted to see me... awwww). thank god my life wasn't THAT ironic that day.
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so we decided to have dinner that evening, and he wanted to cook me something and just share some wine at his place (he said he was short of money which is not a big deal to me). anyways, originally i was suppose to only stay a few hours and then go hang out with esau and company and go to the weekend halloween club party... which i actually made a quick make shift costume for ("sheriff")... but well... maybe it was the wine i had been throwing back... but i was having a really good time with this guy... just talking and listening to him talk. which he does a lot... but not to the point of being self important at all.
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there's something very laid back about this gentleman... and also kind and sweet and genuine... and could it be... funny? hmmm, that's one thing i don't see much these days... guys who can really make me laugh. but this guy made me laugh... he made me smile... oh i dunno... again, maybe i was just in a jubilant mood because of the wine... and the fact that he was really into me... but i honestly felt a very good "vibe" from him and i just enjoyed being there. so i called esau and came up with a silly excuse to not go that night because i simply wanted to just stay longer with this guy. well, despite my main goal of just wanting to chat and get to know the guy, i ended up staying over at his place that night. i have to honestly say though... it felt good just...sleeping with him... cuddling, and just being together. and maybe its also the boy knew how to kiss, as oppose to mr. d. who still has a somewhat more... unique...style. kissing this guy was just plain fun... could this be the ever ellusive chemistry?
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compare to mr. d.... or any of the men i have dated these past few months... this is one guy who i have been very much interested in, in terms of personality, his ability to interest me, to get me thinking, to appreciate my thoughts and to bring up things that intrigue me and things that make me intrigued about him (one other guy did that though remember).... all of that... AND... seems very interested in me AS WELL...interested in me, oh my god! good enough.
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this is a man i WANT to see again... unequivocably... without need to rationalize or even desire to rationalize (at this moment). here's a man that speaks loud enough so that the annoying voice in the back of my head is just faint background hum. hmmm... we'll see where this goes... if anywhere. but i'm hopeful for the moment.
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i got the term "half boyfriend" from lyrics of Jay Brannan's song by the same name. so i'll leave you with this great quotation so fitting for what i'm feeling...
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"being your half boyfriend... was only half bad"
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posted by faux chink @ 11:20 PM
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