Only the Best Bottoms Make it to the Top
so every once in a while, i like to revisit the topic that it seems every gay man feels like he “should” wrestle with. am i a “top” or a “bottom”? my canned answer has usually been … why even bother, that is such a “straight, heterosexist” framing of the question. but of course, this is just an attempt to nullify the question in hopes that “questioning even the question” would bring some more supposedly useful discussion on human nature… usually though it doesn’t, or hasn’t in a while. it seems as we get older as gay men, our roles, and even our belief in the black and white dichotomy of those roles become even more solidified and hard-wired and we perceived them as even more “natural”, that is being a “top” OR a “bottom”… despite the apparent prevalence of this supposed power called “versatility”. of course, i think the reason that “versatility” seems attractive is because its non-commital … and gay men having an inherent phobia of commitment, its understandable that everyone would “want” to be “considered versatile”… even though they’d been fucked just once, hated it, and professed never to do it again (and therefore they can technically say they are versatile… or at the least, a permutation going by the name “versatile top”)… and vice versa for those who have topped only once. just a side thought, i wonder if this follows the same debate on “bisexuality” (i put it in quotation marks because everyone knows bisexuality doesn’t exist as its just the stop before Gaytown)
.
i mean, being in houston for about a year, and getting to know a handful of gay friends in the process, friends that i might add seem all to ready to “talk about sex” (just in general of course… i don’t feel the need to go into detail about my friends’ real sex lives).. i get the impression that there are a lot more zealous “tops” around me than i would have first expected. in my handful of friends and acquaintances, i would venture to say that at least three out of four of them are professed tops… in the fashion that i just expressed before… oh i tried bottoming once, but i hated it, so i’m never doing it again (unless its with my husband or something like that). now this is strange, as common gay culture suggests that the distribution of tops and bottoms should be the opposite… that is, its rare to find a real top, whereas bottoms are a dime a dozen. so i wonder where is this disjuncture coming from? is it just geographical, this “image” of texas boys being all macho and therefore… tops? or is it really in the end… just “image” in general? bottoms are “this” way, “tops” are that way so if i wanna be a certain way, i need to be a top or bottom? or is it something less self-forced than that, which i like to believe is my situation, that “preference” is really more dictated by just experience instead of “pure” preference as in… if i had a top and a bottom before me, equally attractive and desirable… which one would i go for? instead, it’s the simple fact that i’ve bottomed more than i’ve topped… so which one would i experientially be more aware, maybe comfortable, in? so its not preference at all… simply experience. then the question is, when does repeated experience become a recognizable pattern and then habit and then preference?
.
this 3 to 4 distribution is also curious from the opposite end, that is the receiving end, haha, as it seems also that the remaining one out of four friends i have who are “professed” bottoms, now some how share a secret “brotherhood of the minority” with me… because of course, somehow i’ve been placed on the bottom side of that equation. my one friend, andy… who IS the bottom in a couple, makes comments like… i’m so glad someone here understands me… and gives me looks of knowing when speaking about the mysteries of bottoming … which i have to say, “tops” seem completely… completely … loss on. i mean… do you REALLY think my shit factory just naturally stops in anticipation of you entering me?? to be blunt…
.
i’ve always been the type that HATES other people defining me before i feel like i’ve defined myself. ultimately i think i hate it because people, in their need for efficiently categorizing other people, use dichotomies like tops and bottoms to assume things about people and to pass fast judgments and therefore not have to really get to know the person. there’s a good personal example of this happening a few weeks ago, when during a dinner party, in jest and “shooting the shit”… the general group conversation was beginning to paint me as the biggest bottom in houston… the other four tops in the room all wide eyed and curious…. as if they had NO IDEA what bottoming was about… and dear andy nodding and re-affirming my impressions of bottoming. it was all funny and everything and i’m not at all taking it in a seriously negative in any way… but it made me wonder… why is it so much easier to understand people as either TOP OR BOTTOM… or why is it so hard for people to accept varying degrees of VERSATILITY… as just that… versatility?
.
of late, this question has re-surfaced again poignantly because the last two guys i have had a little “fun” with, were supposed “tops” but when everything was said and done… they were the ones ending up on their backs. now granted, the first guy was very straight-forward about being versatile and open to “whatever” but when things were going down .. it did strike me as odd about how quickly he wanted to get fucked. i mean, 30 seconds of rubbing his ass and he was face down in the pillow guiding the shuttle bay into the landing dock, so to speak. he also returned the favor afterwards, further giving me hope that there actually is something called versatility out there… but still… let’s just say it was a less common experience for me to be so automatically the TOP. enjoyable nonetheless but in the fashion of, say a new ice cream flavor that has to grow on you… but has the potential to be a favorite flavor… once you “learn” to appreciate it… kind of like coffee? now with the second guy, it was my first experience in maybe hmmm… years? (oh wait, there was that one guy a few months ago who ended up wanting to get fucked even though we didn’t plan it) of actually REALLY being the TOP. and what was funny was this guy was calling himself a top as well, but as he said it…. “a nice dick is a nice dick”. having sex with this guy was a lot of fun, and i have to admit, that while it was going on… i had a somewhat surprising revelation that… i really enjoyed topping (him i guess).
.
i mean for a long while, i had basically decided that instead of pushing this ideal-ness of versatility i should simply submit to the “popular” notion of being a top or bottom… and then just negotiate each individual occurrence on its own basis… that is.. in general i bottom, but once in a while i top… which is the truth… therefore i am a versatile bottom… haha. however, maybe its just the summer heat making me dizzy… but what if… i decided to simply start from the other end… and tell myself… and others… that i am a top that sometimes bottoms… to be a turncoat and see things from the other side for a while. to actually consciously choose sexual partners that are bottoms and who expect to be fucked. if nothing else, i figure… practice makes perfect… and to be a “better” top one theoretically needs to top more… right? i have to admit it is my secret, or not so secret, goal to be absolutely versatile. i think its all the porn i watch where those talented versatile seem to be able to both fuck and be fucked at the turn of a dime and of course… the true test of versatility… the “daisy chain”…. or the “meat in a sandwich.” haha. maybe one day. so that is my current modus operandi of late…. to.. however self-forced and artificial… to “act” as if i were a top… solely for the goals of scientific investigation of course… i don’t mind really what side i might eventually pan out on… if i have to that is. as i respect both bottoms and tops and think each has its own talents and just because one is getting fucked, is one in ANY way losing “power” of sorts… and vice versa.
.
i think that’s what the beauty of versatility is. you end up appreciating both sides of this story… and this egalitarian view has always appealed to me. and like the title of this post says… ONLY the BEST bottoms, make it to the TOP.
.
and vice versa.
.
.
i mean, being in houston for about a year, and getting to know a handful of gay friends in the process, friends that i might add seem all to ready to “talk about sex” (just in general of course… i don’t feel the need to go into detail about my friends’ real sex lives).. i get the impression that there are a lot more zealous “tops” around me than i would have first expected. in my handful of friends and acquaintances, i would venture to say that at least three out of four of them are professed tops… in the fashion that i just expressed before… oh i tried bottoming once, but i hated it, so i’m never doing it again (unless its with my husband or something like that). now this is strange, as common gay culture suggests that the distribution of tops and bottoms should be the opposite… that is, its rare to find a real top, whereas bottoms are a dime a dozen. so i wonder where is this disjuncture coming from? is it just geographical, this “image” of texas boys being all macho and therefore… tops? or is it really in the end… just “image” in general? bottoms are “this” way, “tops” are that way so if i wanna be a certain way, i need to be a top or bottom? or is it something less self-forced than that, which i like to believe is my situation, that “preference” is really more dictated by just experience instead of “pure” preference as in… if i had a top and a bottom before me, equally attractive and desirable… which one would i go for? instead, it’s the simple fact that i’ve bottomed more than i’ve topped… so which one would i experientially be more aware, maybe comfortable, in? so its not preference at all… simply experience. then the question is, when does repeated experience become a recognizable pattern and then habit and then preference?
.
this 3 to 4 distribution is also curious from the opposite end, that is the receiving end, haha, as it seems also that the remaining one out of four friends i have who are “professed” bottoms, now some how share a secret “brotherhood of the minority” with me… because of course, somehow i’ve been placed on the bottom side of that equation. my one friend, andy… who IS the bottom in a couple, makes comments like… i’m so glad someone here understands me… and gives me looks of knowing when speaking about the mysteries of bottoming … which i have to say, “tops” seem completely… completely … loss on. i mean… do you REALLY think my shit factory just naturally stops in anticipation of you entering me?? to be blunt…
.
i’ve always been the type that HATES other people defining me before i feel like i’ve defined myself. ultimately i think i hate it because people, in their need for efficiently categorizing other people, use dichotomies like tops and bottoms to assume things about people and to pass fast judgments and therefore not have to really get to know the person. there’s a good personal example of this happening a few weeks ago, when during a dinner party, in jest and “shooting the shit”… the general group conversation was beginning to paint me as the biggest bottom in houston… the other four tops in the room all wide eyed and curious…. as if they had NO IDEA what bottoming was about… and dear andy nodding and re-affirming my impressions of bottoming. it was all funny and everything and i’m not at all taking it in a seriously negative in any way… but it made me wonder… why is it so much easier to understand people as either TOP OR BOTTOM… or why is it so hard for people to accept varying degrees of VERSATILITY… as just that… versatility?
.
of late, this question has re-surfaced again poignantly because the last two guys i have had a little “fun” with, were supposed “tops” but when everything was said and done… they were the ones ending up on their backs. now granted, the first guy was very straight-forward about being versatile and open to “whatever” but when things were going down .. it did strike me as odd about how quickly he wanted to get fucked. i mean, 30 seconds of rubbing his ass and he was face down in the pillow guiding the shuttle bay into the landing dock, so to speak. he also returned the favor afterwards, further giving me hope that there actually is something called versatility out there… but still… let’s just say it was a less common experience for me to be so automatically the TOP. enjoyable nonetheless but in the fashion of, say a new ice cream flavor that has to grow on you… but has the potential to be a favorite flavor… once you “learn” to appreciate it… kind of like coffee? now with the second guy, it was my first experience in maybe hmmm… years? (oh wait, there was that one guy a few months ago who ended up wanting to get fucked even though we didn’t plan it) of actually REALLY being the TOP. and what was funny was this guy was calling himself a top as well, but as he said it…. “a nice dick is a nice dick”. having sex with this guy was a lot of fun, and i have to admit, that while it was going on… i had a somewhat surprising revelation that… i really enjoyed topping (him i guess).
.
i mean for a long while, i had basically decided that instead of pushing this ideal-ness of versatility i should simply submit to the “popular” notion of being a top or bottom… and then just negotiate each individual occurrence on its own basis… that is.. in general i bottom, but once in a while i top… which is the truth… therefore i am a versatile bottom… haha. however, maybe its just the summer heat making me dizzy… but what if… i decided to simply start from the other end… and tell myself… and others… that i am a top that sometimes bottoms… to be a turncoat and see things from the other side for a while. to actually consciously choose sexual partners that are bottoms and who expect to be fucked. if nothing else, i figure… practice makes perfect… and to be a “better” top one theoretically needs to top more… right? i have to admit it is my secret, or not so secret, goal to be absolutely versatile. i think its all the porn i watch where those talented versatile seem to be able to both fuck and be fucked at the turn of a dime and of course… the true test of versatility… the “daisy chain”…. or the “meat in a sandwich.” haha. maybe one day. so that is my current modus operandi of late…. to.. however self-forced and artificial… to “act” as if i were a top… solely for the goals of scientific investigation of course… i don’t mind really what side i might eventually pan out on… if i have to that is. as i respect both bottoms and tops and think each has its own talents and just because one is getting fucked, is one in ANY way losing “power” of sorts… and vice versa.
.
i think that’s what the beauty of versatility is. you end up appreciating both sides of this story… and this egalitarian view has always appealed to me. and like the title of this post says… ONLY the BEST bottoms, make it to the TOP.
.
and vice versa.
.
posted by faux chink @ 5:51 PM
1 Comments:
you are so funny...I don't know if anyone has ever analzyed the top/bottom dichotomy in this level of detail! It's not geographical though - everyone in New York - even the queeniest queens - always _swear_ they are tops. Yeah right....
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