“J” Love and the Last Single Gay Man Left
my social life of late has seen a gradual shift of players. in retrospect, one could have seen the connections between seemingly separate incidences, that ultimately in the end cumulated in a pretty continental shift of relationships between the people in (and out) of my life… tectonic plate theory applied to gay social groups, or what have you. anyways, i guess one could say it all started out with the falling out i had with esau now maybe about 2-3 months ago. after we patched up our little tiff, esau had again gotten himself into a shitload of trouble, this time with someone else… and this time, i was one of the “shared” friends that had to deal with the uncomfortable situation of potentially being “in the middle” of a war of the roses sort of ordeal. anyways… that in itself though wasn’t so bad and it seemed like we were managing and muddling through it without too much difficulty, until about a few weeks ago… about a week after we had come back from southern decadence in new orleans (which itself was drama-ridden and somehow set the stage you could say)… esau decided, for whatever reason he had, that he no longer wanted to communicate with me…and hector this time. and since then, now almost three weeks ago, i have not spoken one word, live or virtual, to the boy. he has in essence, disappeared from my life. i hate to say this, but other than my curiosity about what he’s doing… i haven’t been much negatively affected by his absence… in fact, his non-presence has opened up social possibilities that may never had occurred if we had maintained the status quo of our previous relationship. i think robert put it best when he said that basically, being friends with some people (usually the self-centered, high drama, self-righteous ones) can actually be an active blockade to meeting new, and potentially great friends. if nothing has proven out as an effect of these three weeks of “non-esau”… it is exactly that…. i have met a refreshingly amount of new people… because… i am NOT… hanging out with esau.
.
in the three weeks of not seeing esau, i had a new coupled pair of friends over at my house along with the brits and hector to watch the southern decadence videos that hector shot… which might have been a weird situation owning to the fact that esau was on that trip and there was a lot of footage of him… but overall it went over well. and actually that event was before esau pulled out of our lives… but i guess the event also shows how it was starting to be difficult to have friends who were warring with each other in your life. so originally i was going to have one viewing party for friends that esau had not pissed off and then one with friends that were still ok with esau… OMG, i was thinking… is it going to be like this forever?! anyways it actually panned out that i didn’t have to.. because immediately after that viewing party, that weekend, hector got invited to a dinner that the new couple friend was having, and i was then invited, and the brits as well… but not esau. the dinner was fabulous and i really had a great time with these new friends and it was the first time i had seen the brits in almost a month, so it was a great pleasure to just hang out with these “positive people” … esau, as nice as he “can” be… often is a “negative” or “difficult” person… more so than the average joe. it was just nice to have a good time without drama.
.
anyways, long story made short, hector told esau about these dinners and then hector began feeling that he was being ignored by esau, maybe in “retaliation” for hanging out with other people, as esau discontinued any conversation with hector (before that, apparently there was a consistent stream of conversation between the two). i can’t personally say I felt diss-ed by esau in the slightest though… as it is already my habit to be perfectly happy on my own… and i didn’t even really notice the lack of esau’s communication, but i guess for someone who it is constant with (like hector)… the break in the pattern was probably very noticeable. so hector told me about this, and i could see he was really troubled by it. really as a move to support him, although i am sure esau thinks i used it as an opportunity to “bad-mouth” esau in someway… i wrote esau a pretty point blank email saying if he was really busy, this lack of communication is understandable, but if he was just being "pissy" over not being invited to dinner from people you’ve pissed off.. or more to the real point maybe, that your remaining friends are joining in on the festivities without you … if that was the case… he needs to reassess his motives and goals before he really pisses off another person. he immediately got defensive about it and pretty much that’s the last i’ve heard from him. but you know, the boy deserves to be called out on his shit.
.
my attitude about this right now? basically… it’s a big… WHATEVER. i was already teetering over the edge of not caring about being esau’s friend anymore from the whole pie incident, and if it were not for andy and his enthusiastic attempt to reconcile esau and i’s friendship… i could have cared less… honestly. it was my instinctual response that this was not worth it. goes to show, that instinct often comes through in the end. so along with having a direct reason to not talk to me anymore, i guess esau also transferred guilt to hector, assuming that somehow, after southern decadence… we were “in cahoots” to basically ditch him as a friend and change “sides” over to the people who had already actively disengaged him from their lives. i could see where his reasoning comes from… but i think the proof in the pudding lies in the one question esau refuses to ask himself … “what am “i” doing wrong?”
.
but like i said, not to “thank” esau for not being my friend anymore… there has been upturns to his absence… namely being integrated into another friend “group”. however, one characteristic of this friend “group” is that it is heavily populated with couples… having just the british couple was one thing, but now we have the indian/colombian couple and the latino/white couple. funny actually… saying that made me realize what an amazingly “Benetton” group it is… of the 9 people who went to this recent outing for taiko drums and then dinner afterward (where gay "Renee" was our server and also lecturer on old gay houston urban history... fabulous!)… there were 2 indians, 2 hispanics, 2 blacks (1 is actually mixed asian, american indian, black… the other is british trinadian), 1 asian, like east asian (moi), one british white man, and then one good ol american wasp… and of the three couples… ALL of them were “mixed race”… fascinating. its beginning to resemble the fraternity for guys who didn’t want to be, or couldn’t get into the cliquey “cool” fraternities. haha… but everyone is pretty cool… except for this developing habit of CC'ing everyone on an email train throughout the day… during work especially! i walk away for a day and come back to 60 emails, the majority of which, are silly comments to even sillier statements.
.
anyways… yes… so half of the population of this new friend group like i said is already “hitched”… and when i say hitched… i do mean that…. yah yah.. maybe “boyfriends” in name… but boyfriends of like 5+ years at least… basically married in gay terms…even straight ones! this distribution of singles and couples makes me start to think about my own… still fabulous of course… single-ness. sure… it would be nice to find someone cool to be in a “couple” with … like Roberto has… whoo whoo go girl… but am i wanting this “just because” everyone around me seems pairing up? or am i just being melodramatic and just because half of my friend are couples… i feel like i should be as well? and added on to that, like i said… these couples are the loooong established ones… who have bought houses together and such. maybe its pointless really to even compare on that level. once in a while i catch myself thinking though… how nice would it be to have a husband to come home to… since you know, i have the home already? oh well… when i began feeling sorry for myself in that sort of way… i think about this dialogue in the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun"… cheesy movies can contain great knowledge my son! anyways, in this scene the protagonist is basically breaking down and crying, asking why did she buy a house for a life she does not have. the man with her tells her a story about an impossibly steep stretch of the alps between italy and austria where, despite there not being even a train that could climb that steepness, the track layers laid the tracks anyways…. knowing that some day, eventually... there would be a train that could make the journey. and so came the train one day.
.
sometimes i guess you wonder, are we just building our lives for that someone who will complete it? its sort of a cheesy catch-22 situation though… are you building your life for someone else to complete you or are you building your life for yourself to complete yourself and then that someone comes to you to complete themselves? i dunno.. all i do know… is that overall, i am happy, and despite being single, i know in the eyes of my friends, single or coupled, i appear to me an accomplished, utterly fabulous, single (by choice) gay man. haha… i think.
.
of course, my same silly mind gets a kick out of the fact that all the guys i have been entertaining dates with lately… all their names have strangely started with the letter “J”… which again.. like my fascination with the year 27 of my life… i have always believed that my one (or two according to charlotte in sex and the city) great love in my life… his name would begin with the letter “J”. of late there has been a Jason (my future ex-husband from SF), John, Joe, Jesus, and Julio. At least I think graphically our monogrammed towels will look nice… A’s and J’s look nice together. haha.
.
.
in the three weeks of not seeing esau, i had a new coupled pair of friends over at my house along with the brits and hector to watch the southern decadence videos that hector shot… which might have been a weird situation owning to the fact that esau was on that trip and there was a lot of footage of him… but overall it went over well. and actually that event was before esau pulled out of our lives… but i guess the event also shows how it was starting to be difficult to have friends who were warring with each other in your life. so originally i was going to have one viewing party for friends that esau had not pissed off and then one with friends that were still ok with esau… OMG, i was thinking… is it going to be like this forever?! anyways it actually panned out that i didn’t have to.. because immediately after that viewing party, that weekend, hector got invited to a dinner that the new couple friend was having, and i was then invited, and the brits as well… but not esau. the dinner was fabulous and i really had a great time with these new friends and it was the first time i had seen the brits in almost a month, so it was a great pleasure to just hang out with these “positive people” … esau, as nice as he “can” be… often is a “negative” or “difficult” person… more so than the average joe. it was just nice to have a good time without drama.
.
anyways, long story made short, hector told esau about these dinners and then hector began feeling that he was being ignored by esau, maybe in “retaliation” for hanging out with other people, as esau discontinued any conversation with hector (before that, apparently there was a consistent stream of conversation between the two). i can’t personally say I felt diss-ed by esau in the slightest though… as it is already my habit to be perfectly happy on my own… and i didn’t even really notice the lack of esau’s communication, but i guess for someone who it is constant with (like hector)… the break in the pattern was probably very noticeable. so hector told me about this, and i could see he was really troubled by it. really as a move to support him, although i am sure esau thinks i used it as an opportunity to “bad-mouth” esau in someway… i wrote esau a pretty point blank email saying if he was really busy, this lack of communication is understandable, but if he was just being "pissy" over not being invited to dinner from people you’ve pissed off.. or more to the real point maybe, that your remaining friends are joining in on the festivities without you … if that was the case… he needs to reassess his motives and goals before he really pisses off another person. he immediately got defensive about it and pretty much that’s the last i’ve heard from him. but you know, the boy deserves to be called out on his shit.
.
my attitude about this right now? basically… it’s a big… WHATEVER. i was already teetering over the edge of not caring about being esau’s friend anymore from the whole pie incident, and if it were not for andy and his enthusiastic attempt to reconcile esau and i’s friendship… i could have cared less… honestly. it was my instinctual response that this was not worth it. goes to show, that instinct often comes through in the end. so along with having a direct reason to not talk to me anymore, i guess esau also transferred guilt to hector, assuming that somehow, after southern decadence… we were “in cahoots” to basically ditch him as a friend and change “sides” over to the people who had already actively disengaged him from their lives. i could see where his reasoning comes from… but i think the proof in the pudding lies in the one question esau refuses to ask himself … “what am “i” doing wrong?”
.
but like i said, not to “thank” esau for not being my friend anymore… there has been upturns to his absence… namely being integrated into another friend “group”. however, one characteristic of this friend “group” is that it is heavily populated with couples… having just the british couple was one thing, but now we have the indian/colombian couple and the latino/white couple. funny actually… saying that made me realize what an amazingly “Benetton” group it is… of the 9 people who went to this recent outing for taiko drums and then dinner afterward (where gay "Renee" was our server and also lecturer on old gay houston urban history... fabulous!)… there were 2 indians, 2 hispanics, 2 blacks (1 is actually mixed asian, american indian, black… the other is british trinadian), 1 asian, like east asian (moi), one british white man, and then one good ol american wasp… and of the three couples… ALL of them were “mixed race”… fascinating. its beginning to resemble the fraternity for guys who didn’t want to be, or couldn’t get into the cliquey “cool” fraternities. haha… but everyone is pretty cool… except for this developing habit of CC'ing everyone on an email train throughout the day… during work especially! i walk away for a day and come back to 60 emails, the majority of which, are silly comments to even sillier statements.
.
anyways… yes… so half of the population of this new friend group like i said is already “hitched”… and when i say hitched… i do mean that…. yah yah.. maybe “boyfriends” in name… but boyfriends of like 5+ years at least… basically married in gay terms…even straight ones! this distribution of singles and couples makes me start to think about my own… still fabulous of course… single-ness. sure… it would be nice to find someone cool to be in a “couple” with … like Roberto has… whoo whoo go girl… but am i wanting this “just because” everyone around me seems pairing up? or am i just being melodramatic and just because half of my friend are couples… i feel like i should be as well? and added on to that, like i said… these couples are the loooong established ones… who have bought houses together and such. maybe its pointless really to even compare on that level. once in a while i catch myself thinking though… how nice would it be to have a husband to come home to… since you know, i have the home already? oh well… when i began feeling sorry for myself in that sort of way… i think about this dialogue in the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun"… cheesy movies can contain great knowledge my son! anyways, in this scene the protagonist is basically breaking down and crying, asking why did she buy a house for a life she does not have. the man with her tells her a story about an impossibly steep stretch of the alps between italy and austria where, despite there not being even a train that could climb that steepness, the track layers laid the tracks anyways…. knowing that some day, eventually... there would be a train that could make the journey. and so came the train one day.
.
sometimes i guess you wonder, are we just building our lives for that someone who will complete it? its sort of a cheesy catch-22 situation though… are you building your life for someone else to complete you or are you building your life for yourself to complete yourself and then that someone comes to you to complete themselves? i dunno.. all i do know… is that overall, i am happy, and despite being single, i know in the eyes of my friends, single or coupled, i appear to me an accomplished, utterly fabulous, single (by choice) gay man. haha… i think.
.
of course, my same silly mind gets a kick out of the fact that all the guys i have been entertaining dates with lately… all their names have strangely started with the letter “J”… which again.. like my fascination with the year 27 of my life… i have always believed that my one (or two according to charlotte in sex and the city) great love in my life… his name would begin with the letter “J”. of late there has been a Jason (my future ex-husband from SF), John, Joe, Jesus, and Julio. At least I think graphically our monogrammed towels will look nice… A’s and J’s look nice together. haha.
.
.
posted by faux chink @ 5:41 PM
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