"August and Everything After" or "Gays of Our Lives"
so i know i haven't really blogged in a while and i apologized for that, all my negative one readers, but you'll be glad to hear that it wasn't because i have had nothing to blog about ... but because i have been so busy dealing with all sorts of happenings, that i haven't had the opportunity to blog. unfortunately, the phrase... i'm busy... seems to be uttered out of my mouth with great frequency these days ... to the effect, that i feel like i am coming off as an "un-approachably busy" guy... sort of... i don't have time for my family and friends. but its HAS been a busy few weeks... seriously. but i am having a breather here, so i'm going to try to detail more or less three weeks in august in this blog... spanning roughly i think from somewhere after the great reconcilliation with esau (haha!) to my labor day weekend in new orleans for my first gay circuit party... the infamous... southern decandence!
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so anyways.. why so busy? well you know how a "perfect storm" is a confluence of storms, all on one poor spot? that's sort of what the two weeks in august before labor day weekend felt like. i was getting pulled from every single angle, and at times, i was really thinking that i had bitten off more than i could chew. for one thing, my main job, the one that actually consistently pays me, the project i spend most of my time on was ramping up for a charette after labor day weekend... but the funny thing was, despite the importance of the project, because the supervising principal was so busy himself... he really didn't do much supervising and at this stage he needed too... so all the guys working on the project... the whole two of us... usually just ME... didn't really know what to do. it was frustrating in the sense that you knew there was a lot of stuff to get done, but because there was little direction... you ended up spinning wheels a lot. whole span of days working on a particular document were just trashed because the sup decided to go in a different direction. these few weeks, i really sort of felt that "intern" feeling of being helpless to control the way a project was handled... and ergo... lose interest in really pushing it further.
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anyways... god does work in strange ways though because in a weird way, if this project hasn't sort of spun its wheels a bit, i wouldn't have had time at all for the other project that sort of came on a head on collision as well. a few weeks back, i had gotten into cohoots with a fellow co-worker about making a submission for an international urban design competition for the Hong Kong waterfront. it was really a very interesting design task and in looking back, i have no regret in doing it... however... we probably should have started some of the work a little bit more ahead of schedule. but also, in retrospect, an intense week of work really does sort of push you in trying to do the best you can... and well, in all honestly... i did think our proposal, given the amount of time we actually worked it... turned out quite nice. take a gander.
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so anyways, that submission had an upload deadline the wednesday before i left for new orleans (i left friday)... and we actually were only about an hour or so behind our proposed deadline... which is VERY good. anyways, because my real project at work was in a standstill, i was actually able to work on the technically personal endeavor during work... and i sure needed it. eventhough it was "personal" and could have been leisurely... i was mad busy all that week. part of the reason why that last week was busy with the competition submission was also because the week before i was totally busy with something else. a few weeks ago i had promised my parents to do for them a visualization of their temple project, which at the time... i knew would take a while... but man... i didn't think it would take up to 20 or so hours... spread across a week (which is a lot considering you have to also work a real job... that's like a 60 hour week... not small change).... and i also have a new client for my fledging "design" company... a client which seems to have lots of potential and really right up my alley in terms of what i can offer professionally right now... which is basically creative ideas. but all they want me to do is to rework some already drawn plans for condo units in a high rise. this might lead to a lot more... but right now its a comfortable project. it was just the timing with everything else... that made it a bit of a chore.
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it sort of blew up a little bit a few days before it all finally ended when my mom called and i dunno... was feeling pms-y and started telling me that my bad attitude of late was really "selfish". i retorted that half the things i do are because she tells me to do them and if she would only lay off a little bit, i may not be so stressed... but in all honestly i really was stressed out that week... but i guess i should have had better choice in words during that argument.... i think i kind of made her cry. i can be pretty caustic when i am stressed out... vicious really. sorry mom! oh well... hope we can all get over that one. but the week really did kind of remind me that i need to keep a check on if i feel like i am biting off more than i can chew though, as you know... eventhough it doesn't happen that often... every once in a while... a perfect storm does blow into the harbour... and i'm not a pretty person when it does... and usually my parents for some reason i feel obligated to make feel as guilty as i can because of it... i dunno why. i always feel bad about it after... but its second nature in some way. i was telling someone, maybe its a protective mechanism of sorts... so in a indirect way, my bitching about overloaded responsibility might lead to a lessening of that responsibility? i dunno.
.
so enough about work work work. what has made my life truly interesting is what has been happening in my social life... my involvement in our own locally produced "Gays of Our Lives". haha! yes... so anyways... so i thought i was done with gay drama for a bit after the whole pie incident with esau and we were honestly doing just chirpy... but then... kahl, little andy's boyfriend/partner came back from London and that weekend following, i had suggested a little "tour" of chinatown for the guys... and so... i was all excited, and planned out an itenrary and even made silly little "gift baskets" in cute chinese take-out boxes with little chinese souvenirs.... it was so gay! anyways.... so i was very excited, and that day, hector and esau also came, but it was only kahl and kahl told me that andy was feeling under the weather and felt really bad that he couldn't make it.
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that day, thats all i knew personally, so i took it as that... and still had a jolly time with the rest of the boys. however, later on, i came to know that it wasn't really because andy was sick... it was because andy and kahl were having a massive argument. and eventhough i REALLY should NOT be posting this on a blog... but well... let's just say they were having a sort of a lover's quarrel that involved more than just the two of them. hmmmm.... and just think what would really make this situation a "gays or our lives" type of drama? hmmmmm..... i think one of robert's posts hints at what i so wanna gossip about, but i know i shouldn't... lest it bite me in the ass hard in the future. so yeah... let's just say that a lot was revealed in the ensuing week.... OVER EMAIL.... to people who were completely third parties... which i totally don't understand.
.
so anyways.. why so busy? well you know how a "perfect storm" is a confluence of storms, all on one poor spot? that's sort of what the two weeks in august before labor day weekend felt like. i was getting pulled from every single angle, and at times, i was really thinking that i had bitten off more than i could chew. for one thing, my main job, the one that actually consistently pays me, the project i spend most of my time on was ramping up for a charette after labor day weekend... but the funny thing was, despite the importance of the project, because the supervising principal was so busy himself... he really didn't do much supervising and at this stage he needed too... so all the guys working on the project... the whole two of us... usually just ME... didn't really know what to do. it was frustrating in the sense that you knew there was a lot of stuff to get done, but because there was little direction... you ended up spinning wheels a lot. whole span of days working on a particular document were just trashed because the sup decided to go in a different direction. these few weeks, i really sort of felt that "intern" feeling of being helpless to control the way a project was handled... and ergo... lose interest in really pushing it further.
.
anyways... god does work in strange ways though because in a weird way, if this project hasn't sort of spun its wheels a bit, i wouldn't have had time at all for the other project that sort of came on a head on collision as well. a few weeks back, i had gotten into cohoots with a fellow co-worker about making a submission for an international urban design competition for the Hong Kong waterfront. it was really a very interesting design task and in looking back, i have no regret in doing it... however... we probably should have started some of the work a little bit more ahead of schedule. but also, in retrospect, an intense week of work really does sort of push you in trying to do the best you can... and well, in all honestly... i did think our proposal, given the amount of time we actually worked it... turned out quite nice. take a gander.
.
so anyways, that submission had an upload deadline the wednesday before i left for new orleans (i left friday)... and we actually were only about an hour or so behind our proposed deadline... which is VERY good. anyways, because my real project at work was in a standstill, i was actually able to work on the technically personal endeavor during work... and i sure needed it. eventhough it was "personal" and could have been leisurely... i was mad busy all that week. part of the reason why that last week was busy with the competition submission was also because the week before i was totally busy with something else. a few weeks ago i had promised my parents to do for them a visualization of their temple project, which at the time... i knew would take a while... but man... i didn't think it would take up to 20 or so hours... spread across a week (which is a lot considering you have to also work a real job... that's like a 60 hour week... not small change).... and i also have a new client for my fledging "design" company... a client which seems to have lots of potential and really right up my alley in terms of what i can offer professionally right now... which is basically creative ideas. but all they want me to do is to rework some already drawn plans for condo units in a high rise. this might lead to a lot more... but right now its a comfortable project. it was just the timing with everything else... that made it a bit of a chore.
.
it sort of blew up a little bit a few days before it all finally ended when my mom called and i dunno... was feeling pms-y and started telling me that my bad attitude of late was really "selfish". i retorted that half the things i do are because she tells me to do them and if she would only lay off a little bit, i may not be so stressed... but in all honestly i really was stressed out that week... but i guess i should have had better choice in words during that argument.... i think i kind of made her cry. i can be pretty caustic when i am stressed out... vicious really. sorry mom! oh well... hope we can all get over that one. but the week really did kind of remind me that i need to keep a check on if i feel like i am biting off more than i can chew though, as you know... eventhough it doesn't happen that often... every once in a while... a perfect storm does blow into the harbour... and i'm not a pretty person when it does... and usually my parents for some reason i feel obligated to make feel as guilty as i can because of it... i dunno why. i always feel bad about it after... but its second nature in some way. i was telling someone, maybe its a protective mechanism of sorts... so in a indirect way, my bitching about overloaded responsibility might lead to a lessening of that responsibility? i dunno.
.
so enough about work work work. what has made my life truly interesting is what has been happening in my social life... my involvement in our own locally produced "Gays of Our Lives". haha! yes... so anyways... so i thought i was done with gay drama for a bit after the whole pie incident with esau and we were honestly doing just chirpy... but then... kahl, little andy's boyfriend/partner came back from London and that weekend following, i had suggested a little "tour" of chinatown for the guys... and so... i was all excited, and planned out an itenrary and even made silly little "gift baskets" in cute chinese take-out boxes with little chinese souvenirs.... it was so gay! anyways.... so i was very excited, and that day, hector and esau also came, but it was only kahl and kahl told me that andy was feeling under the weather and felt really bad that he couldn't make it.
.
that day, thats all i knew personally, so i took it as that... and still had a jolly time with the rest of the boys. however, later on, i came to know that it wasn't really because andy was sick... it was because andy and kahl were having a massive argument. and eventhough i REALLY should NOT be posting this on a blog... but well... let's just say they were having a sort of a lover's quarrel that involved more than just the two of them. hmmmm.... and just think what would really make this situation a "gays or our lives" type of drama? hmmmmm..... i think one of robert's posts hints at what i so wanna gossip about, but i know i shouldn't... lest it bite me in the ass hard in the future. so yeah... let's just say that a lot was revealed in the ensuing week.... OVER EMAIL.... to people who were completely third parties... which i totally don't understand.
.
and that's my point... if you have a particular issue that involves only finite number and specific people... why do all of your friends have to drawn in as well?... as if you were drawing battle lines already. it just puts a third party in an immensely difficult position... one where they really don't know what to do! and what i thought was tacky was how this argument was a "CC" argument... meaning every single virtual retort was also CC'd to everyone else.... as if WE REALLY NEED TO KNOW???!! anyways... beyond that though... the whole situation also illuminated the character of some of my friends as well.... and to me... everyone in the argument itself was in someway trying to find a scapegoat... but really.... if you looked at it from an unbiased viewpoint... it was clear that there was complicity from both camps in the supposed bad thing that happened... complicity that allowed the issue to explode.... and it was funny... how the grasping for the identity of a "victim" or simply putting "more" blame on someone else was ultimately sort of a reputation self-preservation tactic in terms of the one's reputation as perceived by the eyes of third party yet mutual... friends. in the sense that whatever happended... both sides tried desperately to frame it, through selective editing or just plain lieing probably, so that they seemed like the victim. but you know... hector.... a friend whom i really have gotten to know better the past few weeks said it best.... we are all adults.... and we all can make decisions. what happened in that episode of gays of our lives was completely preventable... but apparently some of us gay men... can't live without DRAMA!
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i should leave it at that. i really wanted to be uber gay and just blabber all the juicy details (drama drama!).... but on second thought... i really shouldn't leave this kind of paper trail. it wouldn't be befitting me as a friend of these imperfect people. when all the emails had settled down... i asked my parents if i should send some "sort" of reply because i felt i needed to but also did not want to seem like i was judging or choosing sides (again... the difficulty of dragging a non-involved third party into an argument... basicaly... why are you airing your dirty laundry?)... and i eventually sent out (CC of course) a short direct email expressing regret that the incident happened, and offering "empathy"... not sympathy... for those involved and expressing that it would be shame if because of the incident... "I" would loose out on friendships (the guilt trip on them i guess haha!) and that I was sure that they were doing what they needed to do to deal with it. Offering no advice or judgement and basically saying that i'm sure they knew what to do.
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i think it was a good reply... i dunno. so anyways... now... its been maybe 2-3 weeks since THAT incident and well... let's just say that andy and kahl are still together but they've chosen to discontinue contact with one of the "boys" ... not me though!.... but which again... as a third party... sets up some odd situations in the future... one which is rearing its ugly head as we speak, because i want to throw another get together for viewing the delicious videos hector filmed at southern decadence... but am facing the fact that i may have to have two separate parties of sorts because some people may not come to one if the other is present. DAMN... why can't people just fucking kiss and make up! goddamn gays....
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haha. and that is all i will say on that topic. anyways... what about self gossip?? haha... well... not much in terms of screwing up things with friends and sharing it with all my other friends has happened... although... i do have to say the whole pie incident with esau did have a much better ending than this last drama. and you know, the more i look back on that whole thing with esau... the more i think... that i did a GREAT job in maintaining a degree of composure and dignity in that whole incident. i think i really handled it in a MATURE way. and i hate to say it... but it was only through very cognizant thinking of what my actions would appear to be to others... that made me act the way i did. it was almost strategic! well... good going alex. heehee.
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but in general, hmmm? not really all that much happening i guess. it sadly has been a really busy few weeks in terms of just work though. i haven't even really had time for any "play"... haha. but i did squeeze one or two moments in i think....like making pretty cakes! i do feel though that i am moving into another phase where i'd like to start "dating" again.... i dunno... or just getting to know some more people...expanding my friend network and such. i'm VERY glad that hector introduced me to another couple friend (i have usually no issue with couples as i find myself comfortable being the third wheel... that is if they don't make their couple-ness like some sort of badge of honor or privledge) and anyways.... they are cute (not physically haha)... but personality wise seem very warm and stable. but yeah...i also went to gay alumni ivy legaue mixer.... dragging esau as well... haha... and ONLY talking to esau there... haha... that was sort of a flop really... but oh well... at least i tried. actually that night with esau was enjoyable. ever since our little discussion about friendship during the pie incident, i think both of us have made real strides and efforts to be better friends.... which i can tell you... can only help him out right now.... ;-).
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but yeah, robert is dating a guy that sounds wonderful... and i'm jealous... or is it envious? basically, i want the same "type" of thing he has... that is someone nice to date... not the specific person he's dating mind you. just wanted to make that clear ... because... well... that was exactly the problem that beseiged my little houston social circle and sent all of us silly boys barreling down the rabbit hole into Gays or Our Lives world.
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sad to report... we're still in it.
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next episode.... decadence at Southern Decadence... drama, drama, and yes... some more drama.
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posted by faux chink @ 11:19 PM
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