The Secret Life of Bananas & Other Fruitful Tales: 12.2005

12.29.2005

World Traveler

i tried to post this fun map on my sidebar but couldn't get the coding to work right. anyways, it's brought to you here.

create your own visited country map

12.28.2005

Once Upon A Time

in responding to the growing wave of boredom i am already feeling here on break in houston, i've decided to take on the task of digitizing the family photos of over 25+ years. here some cuties i dug up. enjoy and no making fun puh-leeze. i was a cutie baby thank you very much because my mom says so. blehhh! :-P

Blast From The Past

today i got a friendster request from a guy i use to know in high school... like waaaay back in the day you know. and it has been like the third friendster request since i decided to what the hell, "friend" the person or whoever that runs the high school persona. not that i actually don't already keep in touch with those i actually care a dick about already, but still, its sort of fun to act all stalker-ish and read people's "profiles". i admit it, i am a profile addict, both reading other peoples' and also writing my own. hence why i am probably on every dating site in the western world, not really bc i want to date (ok, maybe a little), but because i am self interested (haha, just kidding...ok maybe just a little) and want to get into other peoples' imaginary lives. anyhow, so this guy sent me a request and it made me think just how much reach my "online presence" has...or how little is another way of thinking about it. friendster has an interesting option where you can either check out people's profiles in public or "stealth" mode, meaning they don't know you check them out. of course, its fun both not letting someone know you're "checking them out" and also in letting them know...and seeing what they would do. haha. of course, maybe you just don't know the options are available and you assume one way or the other.

anyhow, it was sort of fun to see mr. blast from the past. not that i really knew him well at all because i think he only went to my high school for a year or two and then ditched the place, but still i sort of remember him in that way that you remember having known someone but you never really got to know them so its like...hmmm, what were they like then and what are they like now. well, i accepted his friendster request and that should be that. i thought its funny who pops in on your life though, epsecially with the advent of technologies like friendster and the like. it's sort of fun to think according to friendster i have like 80 something friends and i'm thinking, just how many of these fools really are friends, haha! what's funnier is that a significant amount of my good friends are also smart enough not to use friendster...heh heh, that's not to say the ones that do aren't smart or aren't real friends...ok :) come on, i use friendster... but then again i am addicted to profiles. i think i should revise my friendster profile, it's getting old.

anyhow, the friendster network is also fun in the sense that if you haven't seen or heard from people in a while, regardless of if you actually really knew them or not, its kind of cool that these connections amongst connections can give you a smidgen (or more depending on the profile addiction) of insight into their lives. come on, we are all a little curious and gossipy anyways. and if nothing else, it lets you know if that guy you thought was cute freshman year has indeed blossomed into more since then... or not. ;-)

Pussy Licking

some feline fun on christmas eve. thanks for trying to turn me troche. :-P

12.27.2005

Catching Up

hey folks. yes, it’s been a while since my last entry. apologies to all my faithful readers, who have been holding their breaths since i last dropped an entry, all negative two of you that is. anyways, the basic reason has been that i have been amazingly busy for about two weeks with the final push of studio and then immediately after, actually sot of concurrently, also sorting out last minute things concerning the semester. alas, i am finally done with it all, well, except for two short papers which i should be able to poop out in two days or so. but studio wrapped up and over all went well and all my other classes sort of wrapped up as well.
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speaking of studio. how did that go, you might ask? well, in general i think it went allright. the last three days or so i got about a collective ten hours of sleep but in general i don’t think i had any moments of pure exhaustion. then again, when you are purely exhausted it’s sort of hard to tell anyways. but i ended up doing my “flying ship” hotel and making not one… but two cool models. in retrospect i probably didn’t have to do two models, but well, that’s the road i chose and i am not sure if better drawings would have made much difference. the reviews were constructive, some good, some bad. in general i think it went “OK” and i’m sort of “satisfied” i guess. of course, that’s said in a tone of stoicism after almost a decade of architectural criticism you sort of realize that you just have to take “the good with the bad” sort of thing. above all else, i am happy it is over, and now i have a fantastic model that photographed really well and so i know at least it will look good in my portfolio.
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so over the course of about a week which was really the sort of “push” week, my days consisted of basically model building and figuring out my drawing and also about a day and a half of concerted CAD drawing, which happened and then i had told myself i would build ANOTHER model even though it wouldn’t be much different than the one i had already built. in retrospect i think i would have chosen to do better drawings but anyways, you know about that already. anyways, to build the second model involved a UNENDING push of about 30-35 hours i think, and i mean unending as in no sleep ok. haha, such is the life of architects. Sexy huh? My last bit of fun i believe was a dinner with Chris. oh, speaking of which, i must congratulate Chris on getting into UNC law school…. fantastic! actually what’s funny, is that Chris had called me a few days before hand and had told me he got in over the phone but somehow i had heard UNC but i somehow immediately assumed that he was talking about maybe a basketball victory and that was the reason he wanted to go out and celebrate. at that time, i was already getting kind of busy and i was thinking, i don’t have time to waste drinking over a basketball game. i hope i didn’t come off as seeming that getting into law school news as not important! sheesh, well, to my defense, i was preoccupied a bit. anyways, congrats to Chris.
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when the review i was finally over, the studio went to have a quaint studio dinner in Chinatown, which was fairly nice, despite sort of dozing in and out a little. that was Wednesday. for the next two days i sort of ran around finishing up things i needed to do. thursday was spent mostly in studio again actually (after a 14 hour sleep of course) because it was the last day the building would be open before they closed it for the holidays, and since i wasn’t going to be back for another month, i wanted, and also needed to get “documenting” done. so for the rest of the afternoon i took photos of models, cleaned up photos, organized files, made copies, etc. i also went home, cleaned the bathroom, did laundry, cleaned my room. i felt so productive!
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that evening i finally got a chance to hang out for the first time with my "IM friend" patty. i know patty in a sort of round about way having technically met him (online) back in my “manhunt days” last summer and after chatting a bit realizing that the world was smaller that you’d first think, found out he went to Harvard grad as well at the law school and actually knew in passing Sam. anyways, patty is an interesting character and i have periodically have had IM conversations with him over the past half year. in a weird way our schedules online sort of mix well since he is a chronic insomniac and i often find myself working late in studio. i have to admit that during the last few “nights” in studio, his little IM’s were a warmly welcomed respite from the monotony of cutting chipboard or drawing CAD lines. like most IM conversations, they tended to be pretty much bullshit, but i guess i got to know him as much as you can via that medium. which is why for a while we have been meaning to hang out in the flesh. actually i met him in the flesh for the first time back at that law school Outlaw/Halloween party but hey, i was dressed as a bailiff so it was hardly “me”. haha. anyways, so i went to go watch brokeback mountain for a THIRD fucking time. actually the first time i saw the movie, back at that early preview at Harvard, i had invited him because he had mentioned he liked the short story a lot but he had told me he had already promised someone else to go see it with, but a day later, when i had already asked someone else, he told me that he made a mistake and was wondering if he could still go with me. sorry sir, that boat sailed already. and then i went to go see it with Robert in Chelsea the next day. but hey, a third time? this time i found some moments i was yawning a bit but in general it was still a good movie. i mean, how many times have i seen “13 Going on 30” and i still love that movie. haha. anyways, patty in the flesh is a pretty nice guy, with issues like all of us i would guess. after the movie, i gave him my famous tour of the GSD building. haha, it seems every person who hasn’t seen the GSD building yet, i have to give the “tour” to. anyways, to pay me back he showed me a bit of the law school campus and the new temporary ice rink they are laying down in their quad. fun! that will definitely be on the list of to do’s when i get back. actually, i also want to go skating in the Commons. anyways, that was a nice break from what actually became a typical studio day AND night as documenting took me till like 4 AM. haha.
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the next day, friday, was spent in search of my mother’s christmas present. well, also was spent returning some materials i didn’t use (so i had extra cash man!). oh, one thing, the student exhibition wall holiday card competition which i was in essence heading went over relatively well. the exhibition design was cool at least, even if the cards were somewhat mediocre. but anyways, someone won and so i had to give them over $100 (actually it comes from our student budget, but anyways). being the coordinator of the gallery wall has been an interesting experience and i hope my co-coordinator Ira can continue to put up with my A type, micro-managing personality for another semester. i guess that’s just sort of how i am. in terms of these type of “projects” i think i tend to project a lot of things into things, think things are more complicated than they are, and also not trust people enough. which can be annoying to my co-coordinator who’s sort of the exact opposite of me, who is sort of macro-managing and assumptive. somewhere in the middle i guess is the happy effective medium. anyways, Ira gave me a cute gift and i left one for her, as i was always intending to anyways, but she had quickly jetted from campus so i just put it on her chair. hope she likes.
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anyways, friday was spent shopping and it was kind of fun. i slowly worked my way to Central Square after stopping at Dickson’s, Utrect, and finally Pearl Art (where i returned something for $20 and they gave me $40…haha!). after that i spent a few hours at Copley Place which was sort of an amazing complex in itself, found some chocolates and “other” gifts but no mother’s gifts. i had to get out of the mall though so i hit Newberry street and finally found a quaint funky jewelry shop and bought this cute necklace for my mom, that in all honestly, i think she’ll like but will probably never wear again in her life you know. haha, all the gifts my mother would like and “use” are probably right now out of my price range. like the 3 carat diamond stuf earring ($7000) and also the new diamond solitair 2.5 carat ring she looked at today ($16000_...haha. but speaking of gifts i think my Dad will like the autographed book i got him and also Mei should like the little coin purse i got her. and everyone will like the $45 15 piece chocolates!! craziness.

and come saturday, Christmas Eve, i found myself traveling on the good old Chinatown bus, getting into Manhattan about 3:00 in the afternoon. after i got into Brooklyn, i dropped off my bags real quick, and me and Yvonne and Troche went to grab some great food (Lemongrass Grill), mozied around Barnes and Noble and then Radio Shack (where we watched the end of the ultra cheesy and ultra gay… Flash Gordon movie). then we went to watch Narnia which was entertaining enough. that evening, we had our own little Christmas with presents, beer, donuts, cookies, and cigarettes. best fun i have had in a while. and no dramatic fights this time...everyone was in a jolly spirit. man, what good friend for real man. it’s these moment where the world does sort of melt away, if not for only a little while. Merry Christmas to everyone… especially all of ya’ll who text messaged me on my phone to wish me a Merry Christmas…haha, i guess it’s the thought that counts right?
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then come Christmas day which was in essence spent at the airport. in general, no big delays, well, one which made my layover in Dallas non-existant…so i guess in the end it was a good thing. when i finally got home i did Christmas redoux, and ultimately made out with a new watch (bling!), a new shirt, and two new jackets. not bad buddy. someday i should buy that collector’s edition Sex and The City as well, but that’s later…i also want a French cuff shirt with cuff links but i think i should see wait a bit just to sort of see what the damage studio and christmas has been first before i make any large purchases.
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and so i am here, Texas. at least much warmer than Boston. there has actually been moments already where it seemed HOT. do you believe it haha! well, the next month should be pretty mundane probably. i am working for three weeks supposedly so maybe that will be somewhat interesting but other than that i expect to use the “last” Christmas break for some reflection and to figure out a few things of what i want to do with my life. a question i’m beginning to already feel the pressure of, especially as the last semester at GSD draws closer.
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Happy Holidays everyone! here’s a little something that's on my mind. when we were driving home from the airport my mom was speaking something about some thinking she had been doing where she realized that “my generation” probably has its own way of doing things and that she should probably let me figure it out because it’ll probably work out and that i should also found out the things i want and the way i want to pursue it. and second thing, i went to go see “The Family Stone” last night with my cousin and there was this particularly touching scene where the mother also tells the son that all she wants is for him to be happy and that she wouldn’t want him to feel like just because he had felt some sort of expectations to be “some way” that he should preclude finding true happiness because of that.
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hmmm, in terms of the larger questions that loom in my life. all i can wonder at the moment is… what exactly is it that i am talking about??

12.13.2005

Busy busy busy

a link to a hilarious video that sort of describes my situation at the moment concerning the [im]balance between life and work.
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http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1539922531377218673
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can't wait for the holiday break
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12.11.2005

The Life that Doesn't Know How to Speak its Name...Yet

last night i did Brokeback Mountain redoux, that is i went to watch it yet again, the very night after i saw it initially. at moments i was getting a little tired, mostly from being in general tired from the long day of traveling and christmas shopping i had before meeting robert for the movie, but it wasn't from feeling the movie to be getting old. actually, watching it a second time i began noticing small artful details and a little more about how the dialouge worked within the cinematography. anyways, still pretty good and who knows maybe a third viewing. haha. anyways, robert had written a short blog about this and had included a short quote from another review of the movie, that thinking in retrospect to the conversation i had with friends after the movie, i though somehow related in a way. the quote is as such:

[The movie is an] epic sweep that...manages to be affectingly idiosyncratic in its portrayal of two men in love. In the end, Brokeback Mountain is less the story of a love that dares not speak its name than of one that doesn't know how to speak its name, and is somehow more eloquent for its lack of vocabulary.

anyways, so after i got back to brooklyn, i had a good conversation with the friends i am staying with over a few beers and some cigarettes. the conversation basically revolved around what i am "planning" to do with my situation concerning my family, a possible future family, and the whole deal about being gay. well, usually only my closer friends understand ..more... the complex situation, but basically my parents are still having issues with my sexuality, even after almost six years of being out. in a nutshell, they still exist in a state of denial, and arguably are submerging even further deeper into it, especially my mother that is. only a part, but a significant part of the problem has to do with this whole"chinese" thing of propogation ofthe "family name" or lineage,what have you. anyways, since i was an only ...male... child, there's a major problem in the fact that i'm probably not going to have a "normal" coupling. the problem is sort of multi-pronged, because the gay thing itself is sort of not accepted, but so is the thing about not having biological children (and preferably a male child) that is i choose not to do the whole hetero thing. now, please understand none of this matters to me personally, but i can't say it doesn't matter to me at all though, because of the very fact that i know it matters to my folks. i dunno,they grew up in a different era, and are a product of their upbringing so its hard for me to blame them or anyone. unfortunately sometimes when you can't blame anyone, it ends up being yourself.

anyways, the conversation was funny in a retarded sort of way. thank god for the beer! one of my straight male friends, who loves to talk about things he really doesn't understand ... seems to think that it's "not a big deal". you know alex, just go find some woman who wants to have kids, later age, hormones rushing type, figure out some sort of agreement and have her pop em out. bring the pretty babies to their grandparents and say... tada! oh by the way, the chick dumped me and left. yeah, if it only was that easy huh? at the very same time, i question the very fact if i even want to have children. again, to me, even if i was resolute to have children, having my own biological ones is not a huge issue, but it is to my folks, and therefore in an indirect way it is to me.

i don't know how to deal with this and sometimes i think the more possible situations i think of or are given in a half facetious nature by well meaning friends, the more i get weirded out about it. and i choose then not to think about it because hello, why should i at this moment? kids, even if i did want them, are way off in the future... and getting a girl "accidentally" preganant is certainly not in the cards by a long shot... so why worry? but like the whole issue of bringing a boyfriend home (that is worthy of bringing him home... gotta find one of those first!)... it's a bridge i have yet to cross but still being the virgo ascendant i am, it kind of worries me though. i know its just below the horizon.

and so often when i think about these issues, i am at a lost of words and can't really articulate any plan. as if there really could be a "plan" even i guess. it's sort of silly all in the end. i like to think that my parents, seeing a cute little baby that they "could" call their grandchild, all reservations about the details of how that child came into being.... "should" wash away. so i guess the only real important thing to think about, is how to ensure a cute baby. heh heh. and like that quote, this unelucidated notion that somehow everything will just work out, is eloquent enough for me at the moment.

i don't want to lie to anyone about the way things come to be. despite living 26 years in some sort of duplicity to at least someone out there, i like to think that someday i will come to know and be brave enough to use the words that truly define my life the way i want it to be and to have no exceptions or qualifications to what i happen to think of as... my life.

12.10.2005

Straight Dude's Guide to Brokeback Mountain

sam sent me this. it's too funny to not reprint.

by the way i went to see brokeback mountain last night but will hold off on reviews until i see it AGAIN in chelsea with robert and the colorful indigenous species.... whooo, that some hot shit girl!

The straight dude's guide to 'Brokeback'Our intrepid gay columnist has sage advice for his straight brethrenCOMMENTARYBy Dave WhiteMSNBC contributorUpdated: 7:26 p.m. ET Dec. 8, 2005

You are a heterosexual man. And you have no personal beef with gaypeople. You're educated and fairly socially liberal and occasionallylisten to NPR and you don't like to see anyone bashed or discriminatedagainst. You're no homophobe. You're proud of yourself.

But your girlfriend/wife/common-law/female or whoever loves thatadorable Jake Gyllenhaal has already stated her intentions. When it'sher turn to pick the Saturday night date-movie, you're seeing"Brokeback Mountain.""But I am a heterosexual man," you're thinking, "very, very, very, verystraight." And you're kind of freaking out as the release date quicklyapproaches — and even the expression "release date" is making you kindof jittery. You're hoping to remind your female life partner that,while you feel gay people are very wonderful, colorful, witty additionsto the human population and that Ellen sure is fun to watch dance inthe credit card commercial and that Tom Hanks really deserved thatAcademy Award for whatever that movie was where he died at the end,that you are very, very, very, very straight and that it should exemptyou from seeing Adorable Jake…um… do "it" with Heath Ledger. You reallydon't even want to know what "it" entails because you've lived thislong without finding out. You're thinking the words "red-blooded," asin "I am a red-blooded American male, etc," don't sound so retroanymore.

And yet, you're still going to see it whether you like it or not. Thisnecessarily presents a dilemma: how to make her happy and endure yourfirst gay-themed movie where guys actually make out on a very bigscreen right in front of your face? And that's where I come in. I'm ared-blooded American male homosexual movie critic who's already seen"Brokeback Mountain." And I could just tell you how great the film is,that it's really powerful and moving and all that, but that isn't whatyou want to hear. So I have some viewing tips for you, my straightbrothers. I promise I'm only here to help…

1. Accept the fact that this is all your fault in the first placeYou were the one who was all excited to take your ladyfriend to"Jarhead" anyway and when you got there and saw that it consisted oflot of AJ (how this article will refer to Adorable Jake from here on)running around all sweaty, muscular and shirtless in the desert, doinga sexy dance wearing nothing but a Santa Claus cap over his "area" andthen simulating a big gay orgy with his fellow grunts, you were like,"When does the killing start in this movie?" while your woman thought,"Oh yes, more Santa Dancing please." You brought it on yourself.

2. Realize now that you have to shut upYou kind of have no idea how important it is for you to shut up. Butit's crucial. I was recently at a press screening for another movie andI overheard four guys in the theater lobby talking about "Brokeback."They were resolute in their refusal to go see it and they couldn't stoploudly one-upping each other about how they had no interest, were not"curious," and were, in the words of the loudest guy in the group,"straight as that wall over there." Oh, the wall with poster for theBig Gay Cowboy Movie on it? That straight wall? Well here's somethingthat everyone else now knows but that guy: he's probably gay. Beingsilent marks you as too cool to care about how other men see you. Itmeans you're comfortable and not freaked by your own naked shadow. DidSteve McQueen go around squawking about how straight-as-a-wall he was?No, he didn't. He was too busy being stoic and manly.

3. The good news — there's less than one minute of making outIt's about 130 minutes long and 129 of them are about Men Not HavingSex. So yes, maybe it will be the longest almost-60 seconds of yourlife, but there it is. Less than one minute. In fact, it's 129 minutesof really intense longing and sadness and unabashedly weepy, doomedlove story. In a very real way that's a lot more porny than any of theman-on-man canoodling that made it past the editing room. But if you'regoing to be a big sissy about it then you can go get her that Diet Cokeand jumbo popcorn during the first major sex scene. And no pluggingyour ears and singing "Mary Had a Little Lamb," either. All singing isinherently gay, is why. Plus you'll be in a movie theater and some bigbruiser gay guy might kick your butt. Then you'll feel even moreemasculated.

4. Remember that it's a westernAnd the script was adapted by none other than Total Dude LarryMcMurtry. That guy is the coolest western writer in the country. Hewrote "Lonesome Dove." You love "Lonesome Dove." In fact, the onlyproblem with remembering that it's a western is having to ignore thefact that most westerns are about 1000 percent gay. If you think I'mmaking that up, just go watch "Red River" again.

5. They're tortured and you get to feel sorry for themJust like in that Tom Hanks movie, these gay guys get kicked around alot. It's set in the 1960s and the characters played by Heath and AJdon't even know they're gay. They think they're just regular straightguys who suddenly find themselves all turned on by each other and,honestly, don't even really understand why they're awash in yucky,hypnotic love feelings. Actually wait… you know what? Don't think aboutthat too much. Better if you just forget about the "why" of it all andstart rooting for these underdogs. Pretend they're like Sean Astin in"Rudy."

6. Anne Hathaway, who plays AJ's wife, gets topless. The EndI think it's fair to report this and here's why: as a gay man, the onlyreason I even agreed to sit through the really stupid remake of "TheLongest Yard" was because one of my friends told me you get to see thewrestler Goldberg in the shower. In one scene. That's it. I sat throughthe whole thing for one scene. In that respect, my hetero pals, we areall brothers deep inside — it's just a different brand of naked fleshthat ignites our prurience.

7. And finally, it's just your turnReally, it is, and you know it. Imagine how many thousands of heterolove stories gay people sit through in their lives. So you kind of oweus. Now get out there and watch those cowboys make out.

12.09.2005

Breaking my back to see Brokeback

so tomorrow, amongst my mad dash of things to do (like real work that is!), i will be screening the hot new film, Brokeback Mountain here at harvard, with the special treat of a Q&A with the producer. well, not that that really matters to me, but still, it has a nice pizzazz to it. of course, my viewing at erudite and elistist harvard shall probably be imcomparable to robert's undoubetedly colorful chelsea viewing (whoo, that there some hot shit!!). anyways, when my friend patty informed me that the short story of Brokeback Mountain which the film is based on, was indeed a SHORT story, i was like...gots to read that shit. but of course, this means that the movie is going to fall short but who knows, maybe the graphic sex scenes will make up for it. let's bring some popcorn.

anyways, funny enough though... patty was saying how he really liked the story and was looking forward to the movie with great zeal. after reading it, i began understanding why. my friend patty is like ennis del mar in some ways. let's just say this... if you tell this gay man that he's very "straight-acting" he'll have a few words with you indeed. tread carefully my unawares breeder, or homo for that matter. anyhow... before i stray too far from my intended point, let's said i read the short story, was engaged, but honestly felt it sort of... predictable. but the story is short and sweet and to the point... but at times you wonder... god, how backwards these boys were.

which brings me to what i want to talk about shortly. robert, in his beloved blog, Robert and the City, speaks briefly about a Village Voice article that critiques the film. robert quotes the Village Voice, "The relatively recent repackaging of homosexuality as an arrangement of committed couples takes the arrangements of heterosexuals for granted as ideal....Not everyone wants to be in a family, or a 'relationship,' or any kind of marriage, and not everyone wants to love whomever she or he happens to be having sex with."

now i'll preface this by saying that i am now too tired to actually read the Village Voice critique, and so have not, but after reading the short story, i am a little curious at exactly what this specific quoted blurb was saying. is it saying that the movie itself repackages homosexuality in an "ideal" heterosexual arrangement? hmmm...i dunno. ok, so maybe i will lose my rainbow card for what i am about to say, but what's to say your a "homo" because you happen to fuck guys? i mean, strength to the "community" in trying to create a sense of solidarity based on the very thing that has excluded "us" from "normative" culture...this sort of taking back of the very methods of derrogation... but maybe that's also part of the problem... this assumed concept of "normative" culture and our consciously "anti-normative" stance to it.

another preface... being an LGB minor back in college, i probably argued a few "theoretics" that always ultimately lack the visceral strength of "lived" experience, but still, as food for thought, makes you think. point one, the whole dichotomy of gay and straight...or to even simplify it more, the dichtomy of "normative" and "non-normative"... ultimately does it do more harm than good to a vision of some kind of permeated social "tolerance" (which i assume naively is the goal of "normal" people)? if there is always this notion of us versus them, on one hand, yes... we define "us" because we are unlike "them", but on the other hand, if we allow ourselves to shed our socially constructed notions like gender AND sexuality, aren't the distinctions just as artificial as how the gym teacher picked teams in grade school ("count off by fours everybody... straight, gay, lesbo, bi.... fuck the questioning"). of course, this shedding of socially constructed notions is like telling us to peel our skin off... because that's what it is... a skin. we're never completely naked, we are born wearing the regalia of our situations in life.

saying all this makes me think of patty's comment that he doesn't like the term straight (or gay) "acting" because he doesn't see it as an "act". in a similar stance, and in my more pontificative moments, i have to honestly say i have distinct distaste for the terms gay and straight (although, in living "life", i have found the distinction thoroughly useful).

and going back to the story of Brokeback Mountain then, i am curious if the film really was "repackaging" homosexuality through a hetero-normative arrangement seen as "ideal". if anything is "ideal" as espoused by the story, in my view, was this idea, of having a chance (yet not taking it, hence the sadness of the story) of living a life with someone you truly loved. granted, the arrangement was a conventional two-person pairing, but beyond arguments of polyamorous possibility, i personally found it actually kind of unhelpful to consider the relationships in the story as gay OR straight.

granted the whole tension of the story is that one type of relationship, the relationship that supposedly leads to a "real", "happy" life is also the one violently dis-allowed by "society", and that the other relationship, seen as "normative" takes its place. but first a question to answer, and excuse those who i will spoil the movie for... preface, don't read on if you don't like that happening... another same-sex relationship from either ennis or jack is never really encountered (there is a slight notion at the end that jack "moved on")... and on multiple occasions this whole forced identification of a certain sexual identity is always sort of negated... i am not "queer"... but that is what makes me wonder.... to call this a "gay" relationship counter-positioned by a "straight" relationship...to me... in the context of this story... seems like it misses the point.

instead the story is less about what the sexual identity of the relationship was, because indeed, sexual identity really was something almost imcomprehensible to ennis and jack, and more about a the folly of life that you often fall in love with someone that other people may not want you to fall in love with. honestly, to me, i see this more in the classic sense of a romeo and juliet story... two star-crossed lovers, whose "societies" did not want to see together. so maybe that's where gay and straight come in, the consequence of society. but in some ways, focusing on sexuality, for me takes away from the simple beauty of the story... which is about having love in front of us, and being unable to accept it... and the consequence of regret.

an excerp from the short story, that i think hits it right on the nail in describing the moment of "silence" that defines everything. something complete devoid of sex... and sexual identity. simply just the notion of quiet "love"... and yet the story reminds us, that these two star-crossed lovers... never ever fully embrace that moment though... yet it's still not a bad moment to have.

What Jack remembered and craved in a way he could neither help nor understand was the time that distant summer on Brokeback when Ennis had come up behind him and pulled him close, the silent embrace satisfying some shared and sexless hunger.

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They had stood that way for a long time in front of the fire, its burning tossing ruddy chunks of light, the shadow of their bodies a single column against the rock. The minutes ticked by from the round watch in Ennis’s pocket, from the sticks in the fire settling into coals. Stars bit through the wavy heat layers above the fire. Ennis’s breath came slow and quiet, he hummed, rocked a little in the sparklight, and Jack leaned against the steady heartbeat, the vibrations of the humming like faint electricity and, standing, he fell into sleep that was not sleep but something else drowsy and tranced until Ennis, dredging up a rusty but still usable phrase from the childhood time before his mother died, said, “Time to hit the hay, cowboy. I got a go. Come on, you’re sleepin on your feet like a horse,” and gave Jack a shake, a push, and went off in the darkness. Jack heard his spurs tremble as he mounted, the words “See you tomorrow,” and the horse’s shuddering snort, grind of hoof on stone.

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Later, that dozy embrace solidified in his memory as the single moment of artless, charmed happiness in their separate and difficult lives. Nothing marred it, even the knowledge that Ennis would not then embrace him face to face because he did not want to see or feel that it was Jack he held. And maybe, he thought, they’d never got much farther than that. Let be, let be.

well, can't wait for the movie.

Brokeback Mountain by Annie Proulx

Village Voice Article

Relationships that tick... like a bomb.

ahhh...apologies for the lack of blogs lately my few, but revered readers. i have been innundated with work as the semester draws to a close. but i have been meaning to write the following blog for almost a week now, and i fear if i wait longer, it will be relegated to the vast chasm of distant memory.

so last weekend i spent in new york again, barely a week after i had just left the grand city from spending thanksgiving break there. why so soon? well, mostly because i felt i had to take advantage of the ridiculously cheap airplane tickets i had scored almost a month ago. come on, $60 roundtrip. please, when will i ever actually have to pay for an airplane tix that is that cheap? one of those instances, like pants at the banana republic outlet store... too cheap not to buy.

anyways, so i stayed with my friends again in brooklyn, this time they decided to actually be there while i stayed at their pad. well, if their lack of company last time was of any fault, they certainly made up for it in the colorful show they put on for me the first night i stayed. well, basically, the couple, which the girl happens to be one of my best friends from college, and her husband, which i know through her and am friendly enough with in general, had a big fight. if anything could be said as an instigator for the alercation (and probably what needs to be excluded from their lives if they don't want to have such outbursts all the time) is alcohol.

after an enjoyable home-cooked meal, then came the second bottle of wine, and a few six packs of beer. my good friend, bless her, hasn't come to terms with the fact that she's not a good drinker really... or maybe she hasn't realized what verbal poisons spill from her usually sweet mouth, when under the influence. so basically, the drinks were fun enough until a certain comment basically set them off. at first, it was just something she said, which she probably didn't need to say, and that kind of made the guy uncomfortable, being in a group of guest at the time, eventhough all of us were good friends...still... some things like a couple's lack of sex (and reasons for it)... should probably be not expressed beyond the ears of said couple.

well, once you say something, you can't really take it back. so from that point on, my friend still didn't realize, or would not admit that she needed to censure her words a little, again, the lack of restraint i attribute to the budweiser coursing through her veins. usually, she's slightly more selective although in general she tends to be blunt. and with more drink (since no one was stopping her...maybe i should have? it was already getting uncomfortable for me), came a new boldness, indeed, and attempt to basically pick a fight. finally, her poor husband decided that his wife was drunk and talking shit and frankly he didn't want to hear it, and off to the bedroom he goes, slamming the door.

speaking of which...isn't slamming the door when you are angry seem like such a cliche? seriously, i can remember only one time in my life when i got really pissed, walked out and consciously, noticeably, slammed the door behind me. even then, i thought... hmm, how cheesy. anyways, maybe that was just a less than subtle message to his wife to shut the fuck up. of course, wifey was in way too good of a mood (or bad of a mood depends on how you look at it) to shut up and proceed in talking to us (the guests) and explaining in more detail her dissatisfactions in her marital life. ok, it didn't take long though before i told her...ok, so if you know you shouldn't say it (she prefaced her diatribe by saying, you know, i really shouldn't say anything ...as if that was some kind of exxonerating excuse)... than don't fucking say it! simple enough no? but pandora's box was opened, and so was the only recently slammed door.

out comes hubby for a show down. if you got something to say about me, then say it in front on me. usually, that putting on the spot might temper some people's words, not my dear friend though. well the rest is history. or maybe it was just unknown to me because, once i felt like the fight was moving into the stage of needed an "impartial mediator"...whoa, time to get the fuck out. not that i am not concerned about my friend's mental and relationship wellness, but probably being there, being asked to take sides, and possibly taking them... not a good idea. so i decided to say i was going to retire.

walls are relatively thin, and through them...as i tried to earnestly go to sleep, i heard periodically elevating voices, way too many nasty expletives directed right at each other. probably a lot of things were said that opened up old wounds and maybe made new ones. then i heard the voice of resignment and pure hurt, despite being self-administered or not. ok, you can be the brattiest little girl on earth, but i'm sorry, i am a total softy and can't stand the sound of a girl crying. so once i heard my friend start sobbing, her husband still in some kind of self-justifying argument with her brother (my friend's brother was continually in this scene, for better or worse), i had to get up and go do what i do a decent job of... if not mediation, i do consolation relatively well.

doesn't take much though when someone is crying their eyes out. girls are pretty easy let's say. all you need to do is just hold them and pet them and do little "shhh"ing sounds. go get some tissues and a glass of water and say ok, you've had enough fighting for a night, here, let's put you to bed. and so the night ended.

well, it actually went on a little bit more. in her receeding drunkeness and impending exhaustion, my friend asked me the question that i think has constantly plagued her and her relationship, maybe all relationships, no matter how long they've gone on.... "are we right together"?

of course, being someone who has yet to be in a real long term relationship, i really couldn't honestly answer that "kind" of question. the most i could muster was to say that some of the things that characterize both of them might be obstacles, challenges in their relationship... but ultimately that's kind of a vague answer isn't it? of course, mismatches are obstacles and challenges. or are they? depends on who i guess.

in my own shoes, i sometimes think that i'd like someone who is distinctly different than me. who sees the world in some very different ways. but of course, than i realize that there are some things i am probably unwilling to compromise in and that "my" right partner, would also see "those" things in the same way i do. but what are those things? and does that feeling of uncompromisability change as you get older? probably.

my last relationship i like to think as my most "successful" out of the very few i have been so lucky, or unlucky... to have. and honestly, if not for some circumstances, it might have lasted longer than it did... just bad timing. but i remember, thinking, especially at first, this guy is completely incompatible for me, and sometimes throughout the relationship, i caught myself wondering, exactly... exactly... why was it that i found myself not going somewhere else... not in terms of another boyfriend because singledom was a definite possibility in itself. but what i think, in the end, made it... tick... was this notion that he was willing to "put up" with me and that he didn't demand that i change into something he wanted.

could it be that that makes a relationship "tick"... is actually working on the relationship... and not necessarily working on what "you" think the relationship is or would like it to be. to simply work on the relationship in its day to day happenings. going back to my friend's argument, one of the hot points included phrases like... "you forgot me, or you ditched me, or you are never there" but those were also countered by ... "i am trying so hard to please you, to make you happy, but you don't ever think i am good enough for you, i am fucking tired of trying". hmmm, does it seem like there are a lot of "i" and "you" and "me"... not so many "us" or "we". maybe its just a semantic point of view and probably not helpful to try to decode in that way, things that are said, but it does make me think.

what i remember about my last relationship was there was always a distinct "me" and "i" and a distinct "you". i think both of us were distinctly individualistic. we had our own lives, and our own friends, and we valued what was important in our own individual lives. but the thing was, that there was also a strong "we" as well. i mean, it's probably idealistic and probably me romanticizing a past memory, but when "we" were together, it was about "we" and not so much about "you" and "me". but when we were apart, we were distinctly you and me and somehow we were able to "compartmentalize" our minds and hearts in a way that we were still our own yet somehow, when we were together, a new "person" would arise, and only then.

i dunno, as i type that, i think... bullshit bullshit. plenty of moments where i probably said... why are you...or why am i... instead of why are we.

my friend and her husband sometimes seem like the perfect couple. there is some kind of distinct love that holds them together, but it's kind of a tattered tapestry of love though. more or less held together by tight interwoven strands of shared history, a "we" indeed, but each strand a potential beggining to unraveling of that we, when each strand takes a position of being either "you" or "me". but that's the inherent nature of an individual fiber, to be individual. somehow, i think, we have to allow that though and hope that the tapestry still stays.

well what i do know, is that as a friend, i'll try to do what i can. but their lives are their lives and they'll have to figure out what makes them tick, and tick together. anyways, the day after, when everyone was sober, guess who got a free lunch for having to put up with such hoopla? ;-) score!

12.02.2005

The Weirdest Dream

i have to tell you all about this weird ass dream i had last night. now i promise this is not to become a dream log.....blog, but it was just so vivid of a dream and a good story to boot. and usually i forget my dreams five seconds into my waking day but this sort of stuck. anyways, the dream was sort of a sci fi flick and in all honesty it probably was one i watched or whatever reinterpretted with characters from my own life. but it wasn't like that either, you know how sometimes you have dreams where you are just an observer in the sense that you are really just watching a movie or then the dreams you have where you are an active partipant. well, in this one it was more like i was just watching but at time, i guess you identify with protagonist and you can "see" from his view, that jazz. so the basic premise of this movie was like "bladerunner"... in a way. somehow, i'm not sure... certain people appear to die (of various "natural" causes) throughout history except that somehow, this movie showed that the "loved one beside their deathbed" was always the same... some sort of never aging immortal that somehow just shifted from one relationship to the other. flashforward to "sometime in the future", and i see a shot of this guy i think who wakes up from the dead i think? and somehow it dawns on him that somehow he's been brought to the "future"...along with all those people who kind of died because of that immortal entity (who someone falls out of the movie by now). anyways, this guy kind of is trying to understand this new society but soon gets really suspicious when it seems like people keep forgetting their social relationships and simply form new ones. it seems like bonds keep breaking and re-forming. he's obviously freaked out because it seems no one has a stable identity except for him. and soon, the "others" begin realizing that he's not playing along, and there's this mad dash through the city. but the real twist comes about... i think... when somehow he realizes that in order to survive he has to sort of play the part and go with the flow of these constantly shifting relationships and not draw attention upon himself. ultimately, the movie ends when he finds out something to the effect that the whole population is not only schizophrenic but actually not even human, but automatons. and he finally questions his own "reality" of existence and what place if any he has when he learns that this "place" that he thought he was abducted to is indeed a simulacra of earth, but one that was trying to replace an earth that is physically no more and long ago in the past. he asked... i just want to go home, and the other guy finally tells him, earth has long since been gone and we have been trying to approximate it.
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totally star trek... but it was a fun dream
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12.01.2005

You Are A Star

just had to post this pic of a shot from Hubble of the Crab Nebula. reminds me of home... ooooo.
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The Red Ribbon

have you heard about the latest fashion craze sweeping the country of wearing a small red ribbon on your lapel or bag or wherever? come on, everyone is doing it! well, only the smart, cool, and socially aware people that is. so get your red ribbon now!
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haha...ok. but seriously... today is WORLD HIV/AIDS AWARENESS DAY and a good way to show everyone that you realize how big a problem HIV/AIDS is both here at home and even more so on a global scale, is to wear a small little red ribbon on your outfit today. But don't let it just be for today or just consider it a fashion statement. although the publicity is good, it would be great for you to actually DO SOMETHING to help the cause. from donating money to donating your time, there is always a need. if good samaritanism is not up your alley, than it's just as effective to take the selfish route... protect yourself and those you do care about... practice safer sex kiddies and try to encourage others to do so as well.
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a few interesting links to HIV/AIDS related topics... for all my peeps... i'm looking out for ya. :-)
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http://www.worldaidsday.org/
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http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/this_world/4481650.stm
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http://www.artists-about-aids.com/en/rrhistory.htm
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The Secret Life of Bananas & Other Fruitful Tales