The Secret Life of Bananas & Other Fruitful Tales: 01.2007

1.28.2007

The Pleasure Dome in Process

The Trees Whisper

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this entry title was something i was thinking about standing outside of ron's house this weekend. i was just smoking a cigarette (i smoke way too much when i'm with him... haha... the tribulations of dating another smoker) and i was noticing the beauty of the tall skinny pines around his house and their dark silhoutte against the deep night blue sky. the wind was blowing and i had just had enough beers that you thought the trees were whispering, telling you little secrets about what was going on in your life right then and there. yes... i was kind of toasted. haha.

anyways, so let me warn you this is going to be yet another entry about ron, my man. the week leading up to the weekend we spent together was a welcomed repeat (still) of last week. a call every night and then a particularly fervent and entertaining call thursday evening when he went out with some friends and was getting drunk himself.... haha. too cute. the boy i have to admit has become a silver tongued charmer of late, but hey... i think he says the right things and it does make me smile. he told me that... honestly... he wants me to know that he does plan his week around coming down to houston to see me, to arrange his work schedule so that he can spend as much time with me as possible. hence why he got a little upset last week when i jumped that last minute... hey i said i'd go hang out with my friends... do you wanna come thing. all understandable and this week, before the weekend... it was like starting a new good habit... we informed each other about what we might be planning this weekend. the past two weeks he has on multiple occasions asked into if i'd like to come up to tyler to see where he works, grew up, etc. and i'm beginning to really realize how much "he" likes me in the fact that he has been telling his friends about me, in a hopefully mostly good way... because a lot of them have been asking about me. aiyah... here comes the gauntlet. oh well... alex, you know he's worth it.

it is awfully sweet though i have to say. and i cannot say that i don't also have very similar feelings for him as well. we actually didn't meet till saturday around noon or so and the following story just sort of illuminates what i hope is our begginning good habit of at least trying to communicate, although it still needs to be fine tuned of course. so i come over, and low and behold the roommate is around... now mind you, i really thought and was looking forward to the fact that she works saturday so it would be just me and ron. not that i dislike her but to be honest i was getting peeved that she was there becuase she was on vacation. eventually i used the excuse that i needed to go buy cigarettes and i just drove over to my house, called ron, and asked him if i could talk to him in private (since its impossible to because his roommate follows him around the house like a lost puppy!! seriously). i told him, that similar to the way he was upset about last week... i was kind of disappointed... not upset or angry mind you... that the roommate was there. i told him that nothing would be better for me than to just spend the weekend doing NOTHING as long as it was with him... but the idea of the threesome of him, i, and the roommate... i would not sign up for. i have a lot of other stuff i should do that i am putting off (the house for that matter!) and if i had to deal with her... hmmm.. no thank you. the crux of the problem is that he's just not himself around her... he's distant, doesn't show affection. and he has said before that it's bc he doesn't consider his roommate a close friend and therefore doesn't like to be "that" way in front of people like that... and that i can really understand. but to be honest, my patience had run out this time.

funny thing is he said he was glad i called because he was on exactly the same wavelength as i was but just hadn't had the opportunity to fill me in. i sort of jumped the gun. now irrespective of if he could have told me earlier or not, i did appreciate the fact that when i came back to the house... we did leave together and just spent an hour or two doing driving around and just being together... that is what i love. we originally were planning a Target visit but we were close by to a scuplture gallery with these cool HUGE bust of presidents that i wanted to show him. in return for that interesting jaunt he took me to glenwood cemetery... the oldest cemetary in houston where a lot of the "founding" families were buried.... it was too awesome. and ron being a history buff... made it even more fun.

later in the evening when we just "talked" in bed, i asked him about the roommate situation... i said... are you gonna be "that" way with all your friends. he flat out said no... and told me that when i meet his real friends, he will have no problem being the way he normally is and he wants to be because he has been telling them that he has met a wonderful... beautiful man. we talked about my worries that i wanted to make sure he liked me for who i really was... character wise and not because he was only attracted to my "asian-ness". he said that i was one of the smartest, funniest, most beautiful persons he knew and that nothing would be better than just to be with me. he told me his dream "wedding" situation. haha, i think its very safe to say... we are totally into each other.

and its true... i had a realtively uneventful weekend... but i had it with him.... and i feel fantastic about that. today we just browsed some nearby antique stores, just talked, and got to know each other more. i really loved it. i helped him wash his car, and we were just together. i hate to sound sappy... but i LOVE spending time with this man. and his eccentricity, his kindness, his genuine-ness. every weekend i spend with him... honestly the more i like him. this weekend, specifically i realized that there was one solid quality that he possessed which i always have told myself i wanted in another mate... and that is a "big family". maybe it's just me making up for my very small family and the large extended family being so removed... but i love it when he tells stories (and they are endless) about his crazy family. i actually do... want to meet them. and maybe soon i will... i dunno.

we had a great weekend. i didn't really do anything productive but i felt "life" with him. and speaking of being productive... now i'm trying to fit in "house" stuff on the weekdays, because i plan my "work" around the weekends with ron too... because i would love to just "waste time" with this man. actually i even called in sick on thursday to put up crown molding in the bedroom... which... simply said.... it EXTREMELY frustrating. at the end of the day i had compormised on a certain look, resolved that i could not do crown molding super great and just accepted the fact that the stained crown molding would just have to be "monet" quality... pretty from far, a mess when up close! haha. oh well. i have also been refinishing a credenza i bought... changing it from a dark wood, and painting in a fresh fresh white with an interesting crackled finish on top that funny enough... look like alligator skin from certain angles... kind of cool. i just really can't wait till this work really wraps up. i counted it the other day... seven weeks left!

sometime soon though i will HAVE to start putting down the porch flooring! we're getting down to the WIRE! geez... ok... i don't even want to think about it. but i will post up some pictures of my bedroom that sort of has new crown molding and a decorative border... you also see the finished "headboard" wall and the mounted sconces and finally the finished "striped" painting. my mom saw it... she says it looks like it has "class"... haha!!! oh my god.. i cannot wait to move into this house. and furthermore, "if" i am still with ron... it will be MY PLACE... SANS ROOMMATE!! yay... man...we're gonna have some fun. not that we aren't already but seriously... there will be no holds bar then haha. and also... i can just be WITH HIM. if nothing else, ron's a great guy just to chill with. he would be a fantastic friend... he's upbeat, but honest about his feeling.... and he LOVES being with me... haha. he was saying that he was describing me to a friend of his... he said... well, he grew up in tennessee, he went to cornell, he's an architect... and the person he was talking to (who knew him for a while)... said... wait... what race is he... because it sounds like you're describing a southern white boy... with an education (and i thought you had yellow fever!?) HAHA... that made me laugh. but hey... i am a "banana"... and proud of it!

the secret life of bananas. i've been thinking lately of illuminating my own folks about ron a little more lately. mostly because i feel like he's making headway to bring me into his life...i should do the same. and to be honest that issue did come to head a little bit but was somewhat averted. this saturday, early in the morning, i went to a volunteer tree planting that i actually organized and coordinated for my company employees. ultimately about a dozen of us showed up at 7:00 AM saturday morning... RAINING! to go plant trees. let me just say i don't think i have ever been in such MUD EVER in my life. it was described like pie filling and let me tell you it was NO EXAGERRATION! ultimately we realized that the ground was so soft you didn't need a shovel to dig a hole... you could literally just jump on the potted tree and it would sink into the ground, remove the plastic bucket and just pat around the soft mud. little trick that apparently the other volunteer teams didn't figure out. we planted 200 trees with 12 people in 1 hour fifthteen. we were originally alloted 4 hours. honestly and looking at the bright side... the rain really helped... making it cooler, and the ground ridiculously easy to plant in. so... what's a little mud? haha.

anyways, i had asked if ron wanted to come join me and he said he would. but i was somewhat concerned that i would have to introduce him as my "boyfriend" to my co-workers. now... you see i'm not "in the closet" but i'm not flying a rainbow flag either. at work, i like to keep my personal life... personal. mainly because there are no other gays and sometimes, god only knows, what i do in my personal life as a gay man... may not be particularly... understood... by my hetero co-workers. ultimately, i didn't even have to deal with this quandary because ron had said he'd come except in one condition... rain. and it rained and i understood when he said he wouldn't come. so i didn't have to think about this one just yet... but in my mind... i know i'll have to face it soon enough.

i had a wonderful dinner with my parents friday night (they had just come back from taiwan, and i wanted to take them out)... i asked them "relationship" questions... basically asking... if it was better to just bring out your "concerns" at the begginning of a relationship than waiting till you "think" you really know someone. my folks basically made me realize the contradiction of a question like that... because how will you really know a person and their reaction to you... if you don't bring up your "concerns"... if you don't really say what's really on your mind. hence why i had to talk about my disappointment in seeing the roommate... and eventually how we both came to agree that it was just a breakdown of communication but that both of us wanted the same thing eventually... that is just to be with each other. we fell asleep this weekend with his head on my shoulder and my lips kissing his forhead, my arms around him. it was absolutely fantastic. i'm crazy about this man... and i feel very lucky he is crazy about me.

other than that... life is pretty much moving along swimmingly. this weekend i thought about my age old occupation with the age 27.... the age when thing would "gel" for me. so far... it has been an amazing year in the respect that i feel i have reached a plateau of sorts and am getting a real basis for the next scaling of life's slopes. in essence... i'm putting down "roots"... a career, a house, a man. i'm blessed i think that this year so many thing have fallen in place... and are getting me ready for next round of great challenges in life. like when i got into harvard almost 3 years ago now.... i am looking forward to what life is about to offer... hopefully hearing what secrets the trees whisper.

1.21.2007

Couple-dom

i've just had a great weekend with ron and a few things this weekend made me realize that a real relationship can be a wonderful thing but man it does take continual work because its a perpetual process of looking at yourself and how you interact with people, not only just the one you particularly care about.
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but before i bore you with my boyfriend issues, a word about the past week in general. mostly it has been a mix of an uninteresting spate at work coupled with a slow rate of work on my house after work. its not that work itself has really been that boring, its just that of late, my supervisor has been pre-occupied with other projects so his guidance was sort of missing. therefore, there has been many an opportunity to slack off. these past two weeks in general i have been doing a lot of craigslist shopping for used furniture for the new place. so far i have gotten that wonderful 1930's table i got during the holidays. i have gotten a foursome of chairs that i've now converted into bar height chairs (that was a fun excursion into woodworking... haha), i've gotten a great counter height table for the kitchen. i've gotten a coffee table, a set of end tables i'm gonna use as a tv stand, a couch (leather and only $200... it was such a steal i thought!), and finally a credenza that i am gonna refinish into white for the bedroom to use as a dresser. lots of surfing on craigslist and also driving to strange people's houses to look at and then usually pick up furniture! and last but not least (because it was the MOST expensive purchase i made)... on EBAY, I won a pair of antique 1950's end tables by a famous designer.... that i paid WAAAAAAY too much for. i'm trying to tell myself that i didn't buy anything for myself for christmas and that i've gotten a lot of money lately through my christmas bonus at work, the signing bonus i never used, interest from a CD that just matured.... i can afford to splurge a little. haha... and then i do my projected budget... and realize that after i move into my house, i'll probably be living paycheck to paycheck for a while. oh well.
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what do you think? hot huh? and WAY TOO MUCH! (actually on an antiques market perspective... they were a good buy... but just think of this.... these night stands cost about as much as the rest of the furniture in my house...combined... well minus the other ridiculously expensive mid century pieces i have of course)

anyways... if i wasn't wasting time at work looking for things to fill up my house... i was taking lunch and after work to work on little things for my house. yes... actually taking lunch!!! it was either spray painting the modified quartet of chairs i made, or finishing the last wall in the bedroom that needed covering of exposed wires and repainting and final mounting of the sconces (FINALLY DONE!)...or preping the crown molding that i was suppose to put up this weekend with ron... but hey... turns out i'd rather do something else with ron... haha. anyways, during the week esau did help me with the staining... although his cieling job is still in flux... ahhhhh! all in all though...i've really sort of taken it easy on the house work... mostly because the jobs i've been doing have been relatively small. this week though i hope to attack the crown molding for sure (otherwise i will be falling behind schedule), finishing those bar height chairs, prepping the credenza to be refinished... and then this weekend (if it doesn't rain like it has since the holidays)... finally decking my porch and building some fucking steps!

you know... there is soooo much to do... but hey... new year's resolution... one step at a time. i'm sure you'll get through it.

anyways. what about ron of late? well, to start with... the week leading up to the weekend was sort of unique in the sense that EVERY night.... from when he left last Sunday, to when he came back Friday... we've spoken on the phone for a considerable time. i dunno, i just think this week he got an itch to call me all the time... which... really.... i actually didn't mind at all. ron has for some reason always been able to just make me smile or laugh or just want to hear him talk about his day... and he has always listened to me as well. i mean sure, i guess what esau says about not knowing some maybe important things about him still exist, but i dunno... conversation doesn't always have to be a q & a session does it? whatever the case, we talked every night this week, but nothing really compares to being able to see him on the weekends.

over this weekend, ron made a comment about how he LOVED last weekend, the weekend we really had to ourselves because then his roommate wasn't there. he said, he loved the fact that we just hung out and we went to eat, and saw a movie, and had brunch with my friends and went to IKEA... and what he said was... just normal couple stuff. it was actually really sweet to hear him say that... it was just these little regular things that he loved, be them monotonous or not, he was basically saying that just spending time with me was what was important.

and boy did we spend time together this weekend. eventhough the roommate was back this week, i stayed with ron almost 90% of the weekend. we hung out friday night, went to a new bar, and had a few beers. i had to sleep early though since i had a morning appointment (regular decision interviews have kicked up for Harvard) so I retired earlier... but when he came in later, we had actually had a fun time just talking.

and "just talking" was kind of the theme of this week. friday night, we laid in bed and he put away my fears in a way about the issue with his roommate. he stated in direct terms (without me actually saying anything)... that the reason he came down to houston was solely to see me... and that he was getting really tired that his roommate has so latched on to him. he told me that he doesn't consider her his friend, but that she needed coddling of sorts and just to keep the peace he had to "spend" time with her. i dunno... i don't know if it was obvious my concern, as i certainly didn't verbalize anything directly... but i was really glad when he said what he said... that "i" was what was important.

saturday after my harvard interviewee, i stopped by the house to do a little work, but then went back to ron's. everything was going great until i had mentioned that that evening i had told esau and some of his lesbian friends that i'd go hang out with them (i told them this the wednesday before). ron got a little upset that i only then informed him and it was like... well, i already said i'm going and you can come or not but i'm going. he said that by not informing him of this earlier, it hurt his feelings and made him wonder where he fell in my priorities of things. he said that it was the fact that he comes into houston to see me, only two days out of the week... and i have the rest of the week to see my friends... he just felt hurt that i didn't consider him. and you know what... after thinking about it... i realized he was right. i really should have called him the very night i talked to esau and the others... because we certainly talked every night this week. if nothing else but to let him know how much time "we" had together... because that's what's important to him.

in short, this conversation made me realize that i had to start taking more seriously this concept of being a "couple" and being considerate to that reality. not in the sense that i have to spend ALL my time with ron... but if i am to consider him a very special person in my life... that i only get to see during the weekends... i need to be considerate about the time he thinks we can share together... just a little bit of communication is all he's asking. and i have to say... it dawned on me that he really was right... and if i keep talking about a boyfriend and all that... this is just one of the things i have to think about. not to say that i have to ask ron's "permission" to do stuff... but i have to be considerate of "our" time and to communicate to him how we'd might spend "our" time.

i eventually called esau and the friends and simply said i put myself between a rock and a hard place, but that ultimately, i do have a man now... and he deserved better treatment than i gave him...and i couldn't hang out as i said i would before. i hate not doing something i said i would do... but then again... i couldn't leave ron like that. it was my own screw up but eventually things worked out... and i just hung out with ron that night.

later on he told me... thanks for ditching your friends for me. i thought this was funny because he had explicitly told me that he didn't want to feel he was forcing me to do it. haha... later that evening, when we were talking in bed, he said it was sort of a test he guesses... he wanted me to make a certain choice, and "he" thought one was correct, and he enjoyed the fact that i also chose that same choice.

saturday night was most interesting however. i had gotten nicely (not totally) hammered at a bar playing darts (just like the first few dates with ron...i loved it! he played a song for me that had the phrase... you are as smooth as tennessee whiskey... and also Dallas by Alan Jackson... that said... if only Dallas was in Tennessee... he was on a real Tennessee streak this weekend... that and Taiwanese... i kept calling my cousin trying to see if she knew what he was trying to say in taiwanese... haha) ANYWAYS.... i hit the hay but my man is a night owl... and he came in later. sometimes, i think i retire early so i can get some rest before we start fooling around.

but this evening... he said something very different. he said he just wanted to hold me... that he loved just lying with me holding me, sleeping with me. he said not to misunderstand him... he loved the sex, but it was all facets of a relationship he loved. over the course of the next two hours...we just made out and kissed and talked and talked... no heavy action... it was amazingly sweet i thought. we talked about random things... about having kids... haha.... about if i could ever think of moving somewhere else. actually "talking" was i think exactly again what i needed with ron. i got a few things off my chest that i had been thinking of... i expressed to him that i was working on my communication skills... that sometimes i bottle up things inside that slowly just keep my worried and eventually work myself into a frenzy (like two weeks before!). i told him that him being in tyler was far enough already and that i wanted him closer and the idea that he may go even further away... i couldn't... wouldn't deal with. i told him that my previous relationships have been relatively short mostly due to the fact of the geographical flux in my life... all my more significant "dating" ended in somebody moving and maybe because of that fore-knowledge that there was a discernable, unchangeable "end" to any relationship... i had been basically "expire-dating". but i told him that for the first time in my life, i was attempting to "put down roots"... starting my career, buying a house, really thinking of myself as being of one place... for a while. and because of that, i wanted to also think of sharing that time with someone else... for a while... but that all this... was new to me. and if i freaked out or acted weird, just keep that in mind... that this was all new territory. ron said... he could work with me on it. haha.

above all else though... ron said... with what i could only gather as real genuineness.... that he liked me very much... and that he could see a future with me. when someone says whole-heartedly that they can see a future with you... and if you yourself can also as well (or at least are willing to be open-minded about it).... how can that NOT make you happy? right then and there, i wanted so badly to say those silly "three words" to my ron... but i knew that despite the fervor and sweetness of our conversation... the three words still had to wait for a little bit. but already for a few weeks... i have been "thinking" those three words.

long story made short, ron told me this weekend, without doubt... he wanted to be with me. haha... amazing. i am one of the luckiest men on the planet now... to be falling in love with a man that is doing just that with me.

honestly "our" weekend was fairly uneventful. most of it really was spent as a threesome with the roommate that won't go away (i definitely think she is jealous of me... hello??! i'm his boyfriend...go be someone else's fag hag). but despite being "uneventful"... this weekend i think was definitely an "event horizon" for my relationship with ron. this weekend, we both articulated the fact that we were the most special people in each others lives at the moment... that our lives involved basically working, sleeping, and thinking of each other... that we looked forward to the weekends with great eagerness and therefore might get hurt if the value of that "we" time is not considered... that we both wanted a future together.

this was a great weekend, the weekend, i really realized that its no longer just me... that i am part of something more with a guy i want to be with, and whom is crazy about me.... the weekend i realized... i'm in love.

1.15.2007

Resolutions

it's a little late to state the whole new year's resolutions thing but well, what can you do? but before i get to that, let me talk about some other resolutions that have transpired since i last wrote. well basically, the whole boyfriend drama. so from a previous post i guess it seemed i was pretty bent out of shape about the whole situation last week with ron... and to be honest i really was. that night when i broke down and just bawled, it really was because i think i had been going through an emotional rollercoaster for weeks already. and the stress of the holidays didn't make anything any easier. that weekend was pretty rough but i was getting better already... time does indeed heal all wounds. anyways, i didn't hear anything from ron on sunday night... last we talked was friday or thursday when he mentioned he wasn't coming into houston.... making me pretty bummed out obviously. well that whole weekend, like i said, i really was thinking i had fucked everything up with an overall... great... guy.
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alas, he called me on monday afternoon at work. i missed his call but he left a message explaining that he was going to call sunday night but something last minute happened, but he wanted to make sure that i didn't think he was mad or anything (which i did... haha). i can't express how much that message made my day! we eventually touched base later that evening and had a looooong talk... probably the longest i've ever had with him on the phone (haha... an hour) but still... it was good. we got an opportunity to clear the air about the whole previous issue and then just talked about our weekends. he had his grandmother's 90th bday and attending to a whole cohort of old ladies... haha. i had my weekend filled with coming down with a stye in my eye, making me look like a goldfish in one eye (good thing he didn't come down) and also getting moderately burned on the neck... bumped into a hot light and the bulb fell on my neck and rotissering my neck a little.... FUN! but we talked... and after our conversation i just felt good and felt that i had weathered a storm of sorts.
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we talked on and off through the week and then when he came in this weekend... this was a weekend we definitely needed... his roommate was not there! for three days it was pretty much just the two of us. it honestly was just... nice... you know... just nice. funny story, but i actually thought up the idea of getting a motel room friday night to ensure privacy... and we did... and it was actually kind of fun. later on we realized that the roommate may have not even been home this weekend. i dunno... maybe the stars were aligned or something and we had this weekend just to ourselves. we had dinner on friday night, spent the night together at the hotel. then saturday during the day went off and did our errands before watching a movie on saturday and then spending the night together again. sunday, we went to have brunch with esau and some friends... silly little couple... haha... and we went to IKEA because he needed a new desk. nothing really special but it was special because it was just him and me.
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and funny revelation... apparently my concern about the roommate may resolve itself. apparently ron handed in his 30 day notice that he would not renew the lease on the house they rent together... so basically he's decided that he doesn't really need a place here in houston since he spends most of his time in Tyler anyways and he'd like to save some money also. he said that before i move in to my house in march, he'll just get a hotel room for the weekends and then when i do move in... well, he'll stay with me. in a weird way, i'm happy about this but weirdly concerned a little. but then again thinking through this... if "i" am the reason he's coming back to houston on the weekends... its obviously because he wants to be with me... otherwise he wouldn't come back.... and therefore doesn't need to rent a place... because why have a place, pay for it, when you only live there two days a week. of course.... i'm wondering how that will really make us somewhat of a "commuting" couple. well, it's worked in a way for three months... let's cross one bridge at a time as they say. and anyways... i've been spending every weekend he's here at his place.... its only fair i guess to return the favor. haha... it does make me happy to have a weekend boyfriend though.
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in just a random moment i asked him "you know what yesterday was?" (yesterday was our three month "anniversary")... without a blink he said it was three months since we first met.. and he said he was going to mention it when we talked the day before... but since i didn't mention it, he'd just let it slide. haha... my man is sweet.
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lying in bed one morning, i caught myself just looking at him sleeping and thinking how sweet he looked, and how sweet it was we were just there. obviously... i'm into this man. so i'm thinking i should have some "resolution" about ron... something like... i dunno.... haha... break my LTR record?.... which if we're conservative...i'd have to date ron for hmmm 3 and half months (god...sounds pathetic doesn't it? oh well) .... and if we're ultra conservative, me and ron have been only REALLY dating about two months... so hmmm... 1.5 months more... puts us at March 1. haha...
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so resolution #1 (in no particular order of importance).... grow my relationship with ron... actively work on the things i know do not help a relationship... and work on the things that do help it. i think ron is a great guy and i could really be something special with... but i've realized.... it takes work, patience... faith. and if i can hold it out till March... or let's just say till i move into my house (march 18)... then i can have at least the selfish conceit that i have moved something of a step ahead in my search for a "mature" relationship.
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resolution #2 (speaking of moving into my house)... learn to take a breather once in a while when it comes to the house. be comfortable with the idea that yes... you might still have to work out some details even after you move in... and that will be part of the fun of having your OWN place. if you get everything done... it'd get boring and you'd want to change it again... you know you would. so be OK, with just taking a break sometime... and do thing when you want to do them and if you don't... its OK. NEVER let it pull you down and NEVER EVER take it out on those around you that only want to help and care about you to begin with.
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resolution #2.5 ... have a fabulous HOME when you move in... heehee
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resolution #3 ... really start thinking more about your professional development... you've been working now for 6 months... you know they like you and they aren't gonna fire you anytime soon. think about how to "move up".... start getting to work ON TIME and try to work MOST of the time. i know you stay busy... but your company is not paying you to surf the internet looking for the perfect night-stand. direct goal... have clear directions towards associate by next year (2008) or within 2 years of working at SWA.
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resolution #3.5 ... after you move in.... latest by Mid April.... initiate the ARE procedure. take advantage that you can start the ARE before IDP is done... before they change the law! and speaking of IDP... get the fucking thing done already... bend the rules a little even if you have to... in this situation the ends justify the means. Final registration by mid 2008... or 29th birthday.
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resolution #4 ... make more friends .... just because you have a boyfriend doesn't mean you don't need friends anymore. you've made some great ones... now really solidify those relationships but keep an eye out for new friends. esau is always meeting new people... tag along. you never know who you might meet... even your next boyfriend... haha... just kidding.
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resolution #5... re-connect with friends up north, maintain connections to the great high school and college and grad school friends i have made. we're all growing up but that doesn't mean we have to grow apart. one thing i like about ron is how he still talks about people he grew up with that he still sees.
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resolution #6... take time to take a pulse on "life" so far... what you've done and what you're goals are and where would you like to go and how to get there.
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resolution #7... seriously start thinking about quitting smoking for good. its hard when you're also dating a smoker, but maybe... awww... ya'll can quit together... haha. in general , just start being more considerate to your body. you're not 18 anymore.
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there's probbaly other shit too... but brrrr... its cold in here, there must be some resolutions in the atmosphere... haha (i just finished watching the cheerleading movie bring it on). anyways, i need to stop here, but it occured to me that i should review how my resolutions from last year went. till next time.

1.06.2007

Before and After

The Green Study :
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The Blue Bedroom :
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The Porch Ordeal

For better or for worse.
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oh yes... i think i've never actually shown a picture of my house. well this is it...before the porch addition. cute huh?
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Day 1 : Frame out the porch base, install columns. that's alias... my carpenter.
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Day 2 : Complete porch base framing, install bottom joist for roof truss and roof ledger. attempt driving with a 16' 2x8 in your truck.
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Day 3 : Frame the roof.
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Day 4 : Plywood. Hey the white fencing stuff.... that's ALL me baby. heehee. not too shabby.
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Day 5 : Edge rafter and decoration, flashing, start roofing one side.
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Day 6 : Finish roofing, caulk, begin ceiling support and barrel vault, wiring.
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Day 7 & 8 : Nailing up soffit, sides, bottom of eaves, details. Putting up decking used for wood ceiling, barrel vault, trim, light installation (done last minute because it was dark and it was alias' last day and he needed to finish!)
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what do ya think?
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Goodbye My Lover

i have been listening to the song "goodbye my lover" by james blunt continously whenever i have been in my car for the past weekend. it's an amazingly beautiful song and for some reason, it hits close to home to what i am going through right now. as i alluded to in my previous post, the past few weeks have been very up and down, probably a reaction from the stress and sheer physical exhaustion from "home improving". my man ron though has been here with me throughout most of it though, but at this moment, i have to honestly say, i'm not sure if he'll continue this journey with me or not. there's been just a lot of confusion between us especially the past week, and i'm not sure how it will all pan out. i was listening to this song on my drive home today, after an afternoon of building a new wall in my bedroom to block a window (feng shui... nuff said) and i just kept listening to it. by the time i was off the interstate, for some reason , it just hit me, and i started crying. i don't know if it was just the final breaking point for all this sense of fear and loss i have been having the past few days, or if it was just me "needing" a good cry... a cathartic therapy... maybe a little of both though. it felt good after it ran its course though.

when i last left off with this blog, ron and i had been really dating about a month or so. things were going really really well. i was clearly falling for this man... a guy for some reason, made me laugh and amused me, and made me feel as if he really ... cared... for me. and not central to my growing fondness of him, but the physical intimacy between us was getting better and better... it was amazing simply said. a month ago, i was feeling the first twinges of love... hmm, maybe not love per se... but at least real interest that this guy was definitely worth looking into. our fifth weekend together, he verbalized that he indeed really liked me, and we had one of those silly flirty moments where its all about that simple innocent... "i feel good when you're with me" feeling. the following night i asked him if he wanted to go "steady"... or be "exclusive". he said he would. now one thing mind you, gay man, especially must have a clear verbal agreement about exclusivity or its still open season. i mean, at least on my part, it wasn't hard as i wasn't seeing anyone else... and pretty much, didn't want to see anyone else. i looked forward to ron coming every weekend... and started wishing he'd be around even some more. i told him once it was too bad we'd only have had the weekends... and he'd said he "was working on it". hmm... that made me smile, be it true or not, then or now.... at least at that moment, i knew he was completely into me... and i him.

our affection blossomed even more after that... at least on my side i guess. i started thinking what i should get for him for christmas... and it didn't take long for me to realize it. during one of our first conversations (something for some reason i feel we haven't really have had in a while) he mentioned that he had always wanted these pair of lamps that were in the living room of I Love Lucy... lamps made out of asian statuary, topped off with an asian coolie hat. i sort of had an idea of what he was talking about, so i went online to see if i could find something unique like that. after searching for a while i realized that to really get what i was imagining at least, i'd have to make it. on and off for two weeks i gathered material for a pair of lamps... wood bases, lamp kits, coolie hats, and a pair of cute asian statues off ebay. a week i spent on the various details of making the pair of lamps. in the end they turned out pretty nice i have to say... definitely hand-made but i hoped he appreciated it and realized how much i was into him to have "made" something... i hope. the final touch to the piece was to inscribe one of my favorite chinese sayings on it. my dad helped me out with his pretty calligraphy, hmmm... if only he knew he was helping me with my ...er... boyfriend's... christmas present... haha. i chose the chinese saying... "As far as the edge of heaven, as close as in front of your eyes". and since i'm one to relish serendipity, i also hid a little treasure inside one of the lamps... i think in the lamp that had "as close as in front of your eyes" written on it. i wrote a little love note to him and rolled it up inside the status before gluing it to the base. if someday fate has it that he finds it, no matter where he is or where i am, i hope it makes him smile, that at one point in time, he had successfully stolen my heart.

alas, the second month of our relationship has proven to be somewhat more difficult... mostly i must admit because of my own failing in some way. not necessarily failings i guess, but more aptly... inexperience at feeling this much emotion for another person. it's been a while at least. and maybe it has just been the stress of this house...despite the fact that anyone who has helped me so far should have to deal with my emotional upheavals, but ironically they are the ones who get it. and also there has been small things that have started to really bother me about ron... well actully nothing specifically with him... but the feeling that of late... i have been dating not only ron... but also his roommate. and nothing against her i have to admit, she is nice enough... but its just that it seems like ron... when i come over, isn't exactly dying to just spend time with me... he almost seems like he enjoys his roommate's time over mine. now of course, he would adamantly deny this and of course this may be just symptoms of being an attention whore... but one thing that is really begginning to annoy me... which i guess i was fine with at first... is.... that ron isn't affectionate to me when the roommate is around. i can understand the reason he gave that he its actually a way to keep the roommate at arm's length... but i'm beggining to feel that's not really an answer... seeing the fact that they talk and chat and i've learned of late that she has even gone back with him to Tyler and has met his parents and what-not. something just isn't right feeling about this... i dunno. i guess the best example i can think of now is when ron told me that his roommate once made the comment to him... so are you guy's like dating because alex is over here all the time. ron's said he just gave her a funny look and changed the topic. but you know, after thinking about it for a while... for some reason i feel actually kind of hurt by the way he handled it... for some reason... he didn't want to answer her question... for some reason... he didn't feel the need to tell her that we were "together".

maybe this is why i'm beggining to feel distant from him.

christmas was like that. and i really flipped for some strange reason. it started off fine enough actually. the roommate's boyfriend was actually in town, and he and ron are great buddies apparently... and we all four went out to eat. it was fun... really enjoyable. we came back and opened presents.... and for some reason... i dunno, if it was being tired, or maybe it was when the roommate was just talking to me... showing me pictures of her and her boyfriend and then pictures of her visiting ron's family.... and they're just laughing and carrying on... for some reason... i felt this amazing sense of being out of place... alienated.... by myself, by them... i dunno. but i just felt for some reason that i hadly knew him anymore... and that i was a distinct outsider on this world that he lived in.... and it wasn't just me and him anymore. i felt amazingly fragile at that moment and had to leave... and i left in such a bad way. for some reason i just reflected all this distance back onto him... and i can only guess how shocked ron felt. the poor boy had no idea what hit him. but you see... thats exactly it... he's part of the problem (i am as well)... but he just doesn't know... because i haven't voiced my concerns.

esau tell me he can't understand why i haven't mentioned the fact that i'm getting tired of hanging out with the roommate... and also he can't fathom why ron is allowing it. in some strange way there is some truth to that. maybe if we get by this rough patch, what i need to do is simply express myself more.... share more of me. and i know ron would be interested.

on my drive home from that debacle i realzied what a complete ass i had been and what a great guy i might be throwing away...so i called him back. in an exasperated tone i apologized profusely for acting the way i did and asked him to forgive me... i said he was the most special person in my life... and he is point be taken.

we saw each other the next night but it was only very short. the following monday was christmas and to be truthful i had a shitty one... i worked on my house when i didn't want to and i felt unsure about how ron "really" took my outburst. the following week was tremendously difficult to me as well...as i didn't hear anything from ron for days. i was sure that he had decided that i wasn't worth the trouble. that i had really fucked this up.

"i had really fucked this up." this phrase have pervaded my mind for the past two weeks... and its driving me crazy.

he left sunday, and we talked briefly on wednesday, and he finally called me back on friday telling me he was soooo sorry for not calling back but work had been a bitch and that he was coming in saturday (this was new year's weekend). to be honest, we had a great weekend. i didn't get to spend too much time with him during the day as i was right in the midst of building my porch... but he did stop by and i thought that was amazingly sweet! we spent two nights together while he was here. i took him (and the roommate...arggg!) to esau's new years party and we had an OK time. i got totally trashed that night...too drunk to drive, went back to ron's place... and after throwing up and crashing on his bed... he came in an hour or two later...2-3AM? haha... and we mad sex for 2 or 3 hours. haha.... i'm telling you... our physicaly chemistry has only gotten better with time... of course... going to sleep at 5:30 to wake up at 7:30 to go work on my house... after drinking all night.... NOT A GOOD IDEA. i was so hung over my head was throbbing, i was ridiculously tired...and i was fucking roofing! haha.... ron stopped by before he headed back to tyler.... the boy is awfully sweet.

but it has been the past week that again... for some reason, i'm pyscho again. well... not for lack of a good reason though. with out going into too much detail, basically something happened that made me really worry about the man i might want to get serious with... and i questioned him about it wednesday. i had already been really troubled by it that i guess maybe in my mind i had already come up with a verdict on the situation and when ron tried to explain himself... i immediately took it as a flat out lie. and he realized this and was extremely frustrated that it seemed that eventhough he was telling the truth, i refused to believe him... and that this was probably just an excuse to break up. this statement really caught me off gaurd and i told him if i wanted to break up with him... i prob would even care enough to give him an excuse...i'd simply say i wanted to break up.... but it was because i cared for him so much and could really see something good between us... that i needed to make sure about something.

ultimately in the end i felt ridiculously confused and i didn't honestly know if i believed him or not. deep down, i think i am still very suspicious that he is indeed lying, but i realized that... if we look at precedent, he has never ever made me feel like he was ever dishonest with me...or even needed to be...so i realized that... i had two choices... one to choose to believe he was lying and to have that as a rift between us... or the other...to choose to trust him... and see how it plays out. one ends the situation clearly and avoids any development. the other makes you vulnerable to be extremely hurt.... but maybe that whole relationship based on trust thing has some merit in it. and trust doesn't have any meaning unless its consciously given i guess.... when it is a gamble, it means more.... because you know you might lose out but you have faith the other person will prove true. and trust is the necessary step to move us onto the next level.

but it hurts. i know i hurt ron that night, and immediately after our conversation was over...i wished i hadn't had it. and right now i feel like i'm living the ramifications of it. like the week after christmas... the week after new year's has been very quiet. and this weekend... ron didn't come back to houston... it was his grandmother's birthday...and i know that is true. but i was just sooo disappointed that i couldn't see him... to just make sure...we were "OK". we last talked friday very briefly... he told me he wasn't coming in this weekend... but next. i tried to not register the disappointment in my voice but i think he heard it. he said he'd call back.... just two days ago. i shouldn't really get all worked up.

but i am... the past few days i have really felt like i have fucked this up... again. yesterday i tried to keep myself as busy as possible... but i found myself looking at my phone to see if he called every 10 minutes. i'm so scared that i've fucked this up but at the same time i know i needed to do it...i just wish i did it "better". thank god esau has been around to at least keep my brain somewhat occupied... and i am sorry if i've talked his ear off about it. but for some reason i find myself so into this man that i am willing to put myself through this. only a few years ago, if i had gotten to this level... i'd would have just called it quits. but i guess this is a sign of maturity. love hurts.

so driving home today, i broke down and cried in my car listening to this song. i miss him so much and i'm so scared that instead of bringing us closer, i have started unraveling what was just nascent. i don't know what to feel right now... its all new ground. and like i said, sometimes i feel like this is a sign to throw in the towel. i dunno... here's the lyrics to blunt's song. it's amazingly sad in its description of lost but somehow i like to think its also hopeful that even if there is lost, we'd somehow also gain something meaningful.

Goodbye My lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.So I took what's mine by eternal right.Took your soul out into the night.It may be over but it won't stop there,I am here for you if you'd only care.You touched my heart you touched my soul.You changed my life and all my goals.And love is blind and that I knew when,My heart was blinded by you.I've kissed your lips and held your head.Shared your dreams and shared your bed.I know you well, I know your smell.I've been addicted to you.Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.I am a dreamer but when I wake,You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.And as you move on, remember me,Remember us and all we used to beI've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.I've watched you sleeping for a while.I'd be the father of your child.I'd spend a lifetime with you.I know your fears and you know mine.We've had our doubts but now we're fine,And I love you, I swear that's true.I cannot live without you.Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.And I still hold your hand in mine.In mine when I'm asleep.And I will bear my soul in time,When I'm kneeling at your feet.Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

To Texture or Not To Texture?

Old pictures, but this was the bedroom ceiling "re-plastering" incident.
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this is what the texture was like before... it literally looked like someone just took a bucket of glop and inadvertently threw it up in "some places". my goal eventually became to make it look like someone took a bucket of glop and purposefully threw it up ... evenly.... over the entire ceiling.
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the shit goes on pink and dries white.... or brown.... in between it looks like vomit.
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better or worse? i dunno.
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once it dries and is primed and painted... seriously... has this spanishy stucco feel to it. i can live with that... at least it looks like it was intentional.
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you see... not too.... too.... bad.

Friends and Family Make the Home... so does a 20K Down Payment... Part 2

Ok, ok…. so I have dropped off the face of blogger world for a bit… but hey, give me a break. it’s not like any of you guys were reading this during the holidays either right? we all have real lives to also attend to. so yeah, my god, i think it’s been over a month since my last entry for sure. so i think just to be to the point and not diddle daddle, right now, i’m feeling i would like to talk about the two things pervading my mind right now, and which have been constantly on my mind for while actually, for better or for worse. the first entry will deal with the drama of owning a new home and doing some pretty significant renovations/ improvements to it… at least i don’t have to live in it yet. it’s been a mixed bag of good and bad, but to be honest… it’s just plain stressful and tiring. i’m just “hoping” it will all pan out.
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so, the fact of the matter is that i closed on december 4th and since then my house has been in some position of “being fixed up”. it’s been A LOT of work… and will be A LOTof work clear into march when i have the house blessing and can finally move it… four months after i bought the house… haha. funny in the future i hope. anyways, for 2 weeks i was even there after work and let me tell you... working a full day at your regular job and then working on a house doing stuff you don’t really care for… that get’s old. for a week or so i was “retexturing” the bedroom ceiling. at first, i thought i might be able to sand off the pseudo “popcorn” and then just be done with it. my mom told me that sanding was out of the question (whose house it is?) so i decided to do a “replastering” job… that is... throwing up three buckets of joint compound and texturing it. at first i thought my application skills would be good enough for a relatively smooth finish… haha... not as easy as you think! so i just ended up doing a purposefully textured ceiling… a kind of stucco like effect. let me tell you… i don’t think it’s the greatest thing in the world… but it is a WHOLE LOT better than what was there before.
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on the weekends of those weeks, i ended up power washing the outside of the house… and also power washing the driveway and sidewalks… this is why it took two weeks. thank god, ron was there to help a little. the boy really is the sweetest thing in the world and i really felt bad for dragging him out on his weekend to do that… but why should i feel bad… the guy is sort of my boyfriend right?… haha. oh a little side note… the first time we rented the power washer we got a late start on saturday so we power washed the driveway only (actually i wasn’t even expecting to power wash the driveway… but the change is ridiculous and i was ensnared… it looks soooo good!) anyways…we powerwashed till sundown and then just hung out the rest of the night, and the next morning we were suppose to wake up early and get the job done. but i take full blame…. i just wanted to lay in bed with him. we didn’t get to the house till like noon…. and then we power washed...pretty much finishing the driveway… and like 2 hours before the machine was due... it’s busted. we thought maybe if we gave the engine time to “dry out” (it was raining) then it might kick up again…so we grabbed lunch, came back… and the engine still didn’t start. I just thought fuck it and returned the sucker. well… when my mom found out that i didn’t “finish the job”… she became LIVID! saying i shouldn’t start things i can’t finish. i understand her point but man does she OVEREACT! everything becomes some sort of dramatic life lesson. and this was also right when i was having a mad dash making a Christmas meal for 12… which they also gave me shit about because it was served too late…. WHAT THE FUCK!? that was the night i told them i was dating someone and that was why i was spending the weekend nights somewhere else for a while…. i wanted to see ron after dinner but i didn’t want to make them feel i was taking their yelling at me badly. so we had an adult conversation… finally. when i said i was dating… my mom didn’t even flinch my dad seemed kind of stunned though… haha. oh well… gotta do what you gotta do.
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the real shit though about the house really sort of happened during my vacation from work. if i didn’t mention our company gave us three days of extra vacation simply as a gift and the way holidays and weekends fell during this season… that gave us a clear 10 days vacation. and guess what… that was 10 days of home improvement for me. it was definitely, if nothing else…. an experience for me… and if i can figure out how the new blogger uploads pictures i have a gazillion pictures. anyways… for the first 3 days… this is saturday, sunday, monday (Christmas!) me and mei (thank god she helped… she actually did more work than i did i have to day… i was occupied with the carpenter… continue reading) painted the study (what i have called the green room… and eventually that room is like 90% done), we painted the bedroom (blue room) in the cool striped effect i wanted (it’s about 80% done because i still have to actually block a window with a new wall that needs to be built… and then painted), and she also put on the first coat of primer for the living room (red room)… which is complete disaster right now because i’m letting Esau tear the ceiling down and put up what he thinks will be better…. aiyah… it’s been looking like shit for 2-3 weeks now… i think my patience is wearing thin. anyways…. lots and lots of painting… but the rooms (study and bedroom) really do look fabulous and are on their way. ahhh… there is hope.
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however, most of that vacation week however was devoted to building my front porch. as i write this… it’s about i’d say 80% done…. and it really honestly does, look very very pretty. all i have left to do… “all”…. is “just” put down the porch decking, encase the columns, and build the stairs… all things i think i can do… we’ll find out. anyways… i ended up hiring a carpenter for this… alias… but the deal was that i hired him for his know how and obviously for his labor… but that i would supply his “partner labor”. it was a crazy 7 or so days i have to say….very very tiring. i don’t think i want to see the inside of another home depot again! haha. but he was contracted to frame out my porch base, put the columns up, and give me basically a complete roof, top shingles, bottom and side…sided. he did a fantastic job… although he was kind of hard to work with at the end because i think he wanted to get more money and kept conniving about it… but hey… a deal is a deal. i learned a lot too i think, and i want to see if i can use any of this experience in a “semi-official” way to fill in for those “CA” credits i still need… site observation and all that.
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this story really is told much better with pictures… and it is my mind to start a mini part of this blog as a documentary on my home improvement projects… i have the pictures… i just have to start loading them up. please enjoy them… even if you don’t enjoy this blog… heehee.
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so where am i right now with the house. well like i said… it’s kind of messy inside and out… the porch needs some more work… maybe 2-3 more weekends (since i can’t work during the week anymore)… so probably done by February. the study and bedroom are more or less painted. next week after work i think i will start putting in the crown molding in the study and bedroom then, or starting the redo of the bathroom. all the supplies are here and ready. during my vacation, dad wired most of the new electricity i wanted… but there is still some more… i’d feel bad to make him do the whole lot… and it’s more experience for me i guess. over the break i also found a BEAUTIFUL 1930’s wood dining set at such a steal of a table and five chairs for $100. i also just recently found a high table that will act as more counter space and a eating bar for my kitchen… nice solid wood table… just itself a $100…. but not a “bad” deal. i think i am itching to get a “real” couch instead of the flimsy sectional my parents are giving me… and i need a desk and a coffee table… pretty simple.
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i have been going through a little emotional up and down lately… and i think it mirrors the condition of my home. since i have been there a lot already, i think the house is receiving/absorbing/reflecting my “chi” and since it’s somewhat in a state of flux…i think it effects me as well. because things have not been the smoothest they could be…especially these immediate 2-3 weeks past… it has been a somewhat confusing…holiday season…. mostly because of my relationship with ron… but maybe because of also the stress with my house. for the week while i was working on the porch i really was just…. plain…exhausted…. and i kept snapping at my parents and cousin and just being mopey. well, my mom didn’t have much patience for that mood and told me up on that. but i think its was the right thing to do… i need to find the zen in my life. this house should be about happiness… hard work yes… but this house needs to be filled with love… with friends and family and lovers…. building it together. hmmm… haha… i’ll leave you with that thought.
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The Secret Life of Bananas & Other Fruitful Tales