One Step Forward, Two Steps Back, One Step Sideways, and do the Hokey Pokey
so probably the most interesting thing that has happened this week, prior to what promises to be a fantastically amusing weekend… not… was the cumulating drama of the of late altercation between my friend esau, and i. it sort of got a kick off start last weekend really when andy came back and immediately was bombarded by esau’s attempts to showcase his side of the apple pie drama first (despite saying “we should keep it between us”). anyways, poor andy really had to get from both ends, but i hope i was at the very least less demanding than esau… having not said anything directly to andy until andy came to me. of course, i find it amusing though that andy automatically felt the need to play conciliator but in retrospect, i’m glad he did, otherwise my friendship in esau would have simply just ended, knowing my swift method of dealing with conflict… nullifying it basically.
.
however, the crescendo to the moment really was sort of esau’s doing i have to say. i am not sure when it happened but one day he wrote a particularly, i thought, nasty little email to me telling me how childish i have been not speaking to him, and that now he needed to put an end to it, because it was overtly affecting our mutual friends. the wording of his email was quite emotional i thought… phrases like “if i had known our friendship was so weak… i wouldn’t have invested so much time in it” i found somewhat displeasing. the tone of the email was overtly hostile and demanding… things like “the decision to continue our friendship is getting to the point where it is no longer in your hands”. anyways… i didn’t respond to the email immediately but let it simmer in my head. i talked to mei about it later that day and basically shared with her my intention to simply cut it off… since from the email, it was obvious he didn’t want to be friends anymore either. i was about ready to write back a snippy email to the effect of… well, great, “its out of my hands”, thank god… you can be the one to walk away!
.
however, i also talked to andy and he told me that i should really try to “talk” it out. to be honest, i wasn’t really convinced until he had said… do you really want to feel like there is someone “out there” really harboring bad will towards you? i dunno, i think i have pissed off enough people, like ex-boyfriends, and stuff that i’m already bearing my fair share of bad karma…. so i don’t really need anymore. haha… i dunno, for some reason that clicked for me… and even though i made it clear that i had no expectation to be “friends” with esau… he at the very least… deserved for me to simply “talk” with him about it. i still respected him enough for that.
.
haha… so i wrote an email… very diplomatically i thought thanking him for the “time away”… completely ignoring his angry email… and simply saying we should meet and talk the next night. he wrote back a little later…one word…. “NO”. haha… i’ll be honest again… when i read that, i was actually relieved… thank god, another uncomfortable situation averted! now i can discontinue my friendship and not feel guilty that i didn’t take the “high road” or whatever… i offered to talk, he declined. however, all he said was “No” … he wasn’t able to meet at the place and time i suggested. he later wrote another email saying he wanted to go to another place. whatever i thought… i can talk anywhere.
.
a little back and forth later, and andy offering his place as a “neutral ground” (he really is a good little guy), we ended up meeting in a coffee shop. a little before, i was talking to robert for a bit and getting his low-down on it. i’m glad i did as well, because basically it just reminded me to try not to be to confrontational, stick to my own personal emotions, and not to make judging statements about the other, trying to stick to specific “grievances”. so finally esau arrived and we basically got down to the nitty gritty pretty soon.
.
the conversation was fairly brisk actually, lasted about an hour, and pretty much half way through we had established already the central idea of the conversation, which was later just repeated in various ways. no raised voices, no broken plates. actually, after it was all over, i just felt a slight tingle of regret and sadness… a sadness you get when something you’d rather not happen does, but you know that you’ve tried your best and it just isn’t gonna work. a sadness from a bit of feelings of unfairness of life i guess? anyways… we shared each other’s grievances and the funny thing i realized, or we realized, is that i think we were both feeling exactly the same thing… we felt we weren’t getting out of the relationship what we put in. from my angle, i feel i try so hard to be a fun friend, good, considerate, etc… and i expect that much as well… and from esau’s end he feels he puts in care and consideration and he expects the same. we realized we both wanted the same thing really…. but through layers of mis-interpretation, not being on the same wave-length, what have you… we were completely misreading each other. however, what was sad about the conversation, was that we also decided that maybe we were just two very different people… and well… we should be OK with that. maybe there was a limit where we as friends could grow and the more we pushed against each other to “grow more”, the more we would just piss each other off.
.
i totally bought this idea personally. and i told esau, friendships are always works in progress, not always lineal or incremental, and i felt well… like we had taken a step back. esau agreed but also added that he thought we had gone as far as we had gone. i didn’t argue with it but didn’t really know what to feel about that assertion. in some ways though, after we both expressed that… at least on my end, i felt a weight lifted…. like finally… i don’t “have to” feel bad that i might have pissed off esau or that he could be so disappointed in me because… well, we have come to the conclusion we were so different… and that is… OK. OK… sometimes the best we can do.
.
we left on as good of terms as any i guess. that evening though, something in my subconscious made me feel i needed to add one more comment to the mix. esau had mentioned that he was having some health issues and that his main complaint was that he was feeling i was “pulling away” from him as friend, and selectively to him because he felt i was still active in other people’s lives… and maybe in some strange response, his outbursts were odd ways of “forcing” me back into his life. i wanted to address this statement and the next day i wrote a simple email saying that 1)… he could always ask me for assistance and that i would not ever turn him away…. i caveated it though by saying that he probably had a good idea of what type of support i may be better at than others. and 2), i told him that if he felt i was pulling away from him, and him specifically, to please consider the various reasons which i then enumerated that the intention of consciously “not wanting” to be his friend was never there. i spoke about my core personality of being independent, of valuing “me” time with passion and my ever growing busy schedule… all things that take physical tolls on the time i spend with friends… but all things i cannot help. in much the same tone of the previous nights conversation, i spoke these things not to justify his disappointment over my action or un-action… but to “flesh out my character… who i have always been and will always be”… and to ask him to be… OK… with that.
.
i concluded my email simply saying that i do value his presence in my life, because i believe that our paths converge, diverge, and cross… all for very good reasons.
.
i believe that that email hit a chord in him as he wrote back an equally sincere letter. it was cute. i wouldn’t say we’re the best of friends again (like we ever were haha) but at least the next day when we went to a comedy show together with hector… it didn’t feel weird. it was OK.
.
Chemistry
so today's topic is about dating... again. sorry, i've noticed in my life that my dating "seasons", when they actually happen, happen all at once. maybe its just because i'm very pro-active about it, signing onto silly dating sites and looking under every rock for a potential date. alas, its not finding a date this time around that has proven to be particularly difficult, its finding a man that i would continue dating.
.
i've already mentioned to you this guy named robert that i was dating. last i left off, i believe i had emailed him something to the effect of "let's just be friends". he actually replied and said, somewhat convincingly, that he felt the same way and that he was open to being friends; i haven't heard from him since... but its not like i was trying too hard either. with robert, in similar fashion to last year's derrick, a lot of the things were there but there was just no sexual chemistry... ie... i wasn't really attracted to him.
.
this week i went on two dates, one that was a date #2, and another that i sort of just randomly landed upon, chatting to this one guy online one night. so anyways, i went out with an adam (it just occured to me that my first boyfriend's name was adam... haha) and we went out to eat. but get this, well... i think the date was cursed from the get go basically because i realized that there are some pretty basic compatibility factors that are hard to ignore... one being... and don't hate me for it... socio-economic class. or in a more nicer way of saying it... lifestyle. our first date was to a museum, which was very very cool i thought, but was orginally prompted by adam basically saying he "had no money" (museum was free the night we went)... ha. well... that situation apparently wasn't any better for date #2... and well... when i suggested going to dinner to get to know each other more.... i basically ended up saying... well, tell you what... my treat. hmmm... not that i have something against paying but it was just the idea that if this was gonna go anywhere.... well... money would be an issue.
.
the thing about adam is that i do feel this sense of physical attraction to him. despite his somewhat rotund physique... he has a very cute face and is very affable, and everything else being normal... it would be a do-able situation for me. unfortunately... date #2 also made me realize that it wasn't only money which made a world of difference between us... but it was something somewhat related... and that i would term something like... "opportunity"... or "exposure". and i guess i got a hint of this during our museum date, but basically i think adam is just too "early" in his life for me... in a professional / occupational sense and also financial sense. hmm... he's sort of exactly like ron in the sense that i don't think either of them really knew what they wanted to do, but at least with adam... his youth could be somewhat of an excuse. anyways... i realized that because of his somewhat humble backgrounds, he hadn't been able to really expose himself to different things and gone to many places. i mean... again, he's 23... his whole life is before him. maybe in another 5-10 years he would date-able... for who i am now though. hopefully in 5-10 years, i would have liked to have made my own professional developments, if only to move up the food chain in this gay dating game haha.
.
so my date with adam was sort of a dud. i wonder how he felt about it though... i think he was also feeling a little out of his own league so i wouldn't be surprised if we both let this go as well. good physical chemistry and superfical personality chemistry... but not much going on just a little deeper... but there is potential... in the far future. he... he... has time.
.
i had a date friday night with a certain "fabio"... haha...i kid you not. i was thinking to myself... how can i date a guy name "fabio"??? thank god though he pronounced it more like favio... like fava beans. that at least sounds acceptably exotic whereas fabio just feel like i would be the silly desperate heroine on one of those sultry harlequin novels (and of course fucking hot as one!) so i met fabio while chatting online and we got to talking a little more. to be honest i did think him quite physically handsome and to be honest, i was chatting him up really more for a hook-up... but we eventually got to "real" talking and he was saying some pretty neat things and so i just asked him out to see if he wanted to have dinner... and whatever might happen later, happens later.
.
i think the date started well... he was cute, and he didn't run the other way when he first saw me. immediately it felt like we had a good rapport and soon i realized we were actually talking ALOT and nodding and agreeing and laughing. for a little bit, i began thinking that here's a guy that might actually fit for now all of the little checks on my "list"... the all elusive "chemistry". so we talked for an hour... and then two... and then three! somewhere in the second hour, the topic of ex's came up and after it didn't really go away and persisted in some form or the other the rest of time... i was begginning to get the distinct feeling that this "date" had morphed into a therapy session instead. well... that was nonetheless interesting. i mean, seen from a more friendly perspective as opposed to the one of... damn, guess i am not gonna get any tonight!... it was a good "dinner" to make another friend. one who apparently is easy to talk to obviously... but also in his defense, it wasn't like he was constantly pushing it either... it was just "friendly" conversation... which for a hot date is the kiss of death. after 3 and half hours, i think we both decided we had enough therapy. i'll admit that when we were saying goodbyes i was still holding out that he might still wanna "come home with" (he was cute!) but the good old "hug goodbye" that i give to guys i don't intend to date... was thrown on me this time around. oh well.
.
i mean, i think its for the best. we've chatted a bit since then and it does seem he is truly interested in being friends...so who knows... maybe he is one of those "traditional" types that doesn't hop into bed first date and all... HA! but even if, i do think, after really thinking about it... that we also don't have that 4th dimension of chemistry... something that transcends the head, heart... hardon... trinity. god... how the hell did i get so picky all of the sudden?
.
so even though i had somewhat lack luster dates this week, it didn't stop me from dancing it up at south beach with andy (one half of the british couple) and get this... mei! yes... mei's first time at a homo bar! heehee.... overall... i think everyone had a blast. esau was also there, in a separate party because me and esau are still not talking and even though andy's is attempting to play concilliator to a degree... i still feel i need distance. anyways, there were a lot of beautiful men at south beach and jrs and all that.... one bartender that i just could not stop staring at... had a shaved head, black glasses, lanky tall body but nice chest. YUM!
.
why can't i date him?
Dinners and Movies
this past week has involved a disproportionate number of, you guessed it, dinners and movies, sometimes together, sometimes not. before i get into these escapades though, i’d like to take a moment to talk a little about my job of late. i haven’t really mentioned work in a bit i realized even though it does take up half my life so to speak. the past few weeks i have been shifted finally out of the middle east to work on a transit urban design project right here in Houston. it has been a refreshing change of scenery and pace even. except wednesday night, the day before the presentation to the client, i had to pull a few more hours than i thought i would. it was symptomatic of those times in school where you think you schedule enough time to start doing say task B at about 3:00 pm, to probably get out of the office around 6 or 7 hopefully. but things play out and you aren’t able to really devote yourself to task B till like 10:00 pm… haha. procrastination, inefficiency, simply too much work? most likely a combination of all of it. good thing, this doesn’t happen often… yet. unfortunately though, my lately developing habit of sleeping at around 1:30 and still waking up at 7:30… what’s it that? 6 hours of sleep at most? … is not helping my perkiness level at work. i get by though.
.
anyways, so yeah wednesday around 10:00 i was really thinking it would be a looong night. i did some of “task B” and then went to go ask the managing principal (who being a work-aholic was STILL there also working) to see what i had done so far and what suggestions he had. what he subsequently said totally made my day and it was funny how when someone says something unexpected but completely works in your favor, how quickly you support whatever he says. so he told me that basically i didn’t have to do task B because after some thought he thought doing task B would be counter-productive to the next day’s meeting. hell yeah! i was like… sure… i think THAT is a great idea…of course we don’t need it, of course it would actually be detrimental to the presentation. yes… i want to go home! even though it was relatively “early” (for me) at only 11 or so. but he said i didn’t have to do it and in a “yeah!” moment i packed up my shit and went home… to waste time before sleeping at like 2:00! haha.
.
the meeting itself the next day was an interesting experience but in general went off without a hitch. afterwards, i diddled daddled a bit more back at the office but since i was about to crash from my “lack” of sleep the night before, i went home early using the ubiquitous “doctor’s appointment” … and then got home and took a quick nap… before my “date” with adam. adam is a 23 year old i’ve been chatting with on match.com and initially i was very excited to finally meet him… he had a cute face, was very personable, and despite being on the opposite (younger) “life spectrum” of me… he’s 23, i figured it might be interesting to try younger men again… as oppose to my usual interest in 30 somethings. when i first met adam (we had arranged for both us to take advantage of the free entry of the museum of fine arts and just walk around looking the exhibits… which i think is a great date!... very low key and it doesn’t “have to be” focused on “conversation”) i was thinking… he has a really cute face, but is that chrome dome a purposely shaved head or is he really prematurely balding?... and also… wow, i didn’t know he had a significant beer belly. i mean, not that i have anywhere close to the perfect body, but at least my body profile isn’t easily drawn with a compass…. haha. but you know whatever. the “date” itself was a lot of fun as i just took it as an opportunity to see the museum, which i actually rarely go to, despite being a “member”. we talked about all sorts of things which is why i think museums are good date material… there’s a cornucopia of conversational fodder. anyways, despite my initial disappointments in physical expectations, i can’t deny i had a good time and that he seemed a very attractive person in a personality sense. i wouldn’t say i would throw this one out quite yet i guess. so at the end of the museum, we could have gone for dinner or coffee or whatever, but partly bc i was actually sleepy still, i decided to call it a night… gave him a hug, and said goodbye. i do think from his end though, he also had a good time, and whatever the motives may be… he did give me a call the very next day to see how i was doing. i guess that’s a good thing right?
.
i’m going to skip a little chronologically but i wanted to also talk about my other “date” this week. this would be i guess date “3” with robert, a guy i met a few weeks ago, who i have had two dinners with… both of which gave me the impression that despite enjoying robert’s company very much so… there was just no… chemistry… no real spark of interest romantically. i sometimes am amazed how the human heart works…. how is it that someone who, depending on your perspective, is very much wanting to make a “connection” with someone else… but still not able to with someone who personality wise should work? it so weird… but i guess that’s the same thing that occurred to me last year when i was dating derrick…. i mean, he had everything i think i sort of wanted… smarts, kindness, looks, funny…. but in the end…. there just was no "chemistry". and i think i’ve talked about this before… but chemistry is not “just" sexual… it’s something else about somebody you meet that makes you kind of giddy around them. with robert, i felt we could talk very easily and he’s funny and affable…. but from the get go… everything felt just “platonic”. i mean compared to adam, despite adam being a little bit out of shape, talking to him was a little mix of fun friendly talk, but also a little hint of sexual vibe and heat (not much mind you… but it was there).
.
i was just on wikipedia the other day reading about the scoville spectrum that measures “heat” of peppers… from a sweet pepper that has zero heat to shit that will burn your skin just picking them up. i wonder if we could come up with a “heat” scale for dating. let’s just say that a heat index of zero (for gay relationships) would be the same as meeting a woman that you immediately like… but obviously have no “real” interest in for something more that friendship and a heat index of 10 is meeting a man you might seriously consider having the baby of even if it meant becoming a woman, since of course said perfect man was inconveniently “straight”. haha. so anyways… i think robert would be somewhere like a 2-3 and adam a 4-5.
.
so anyways! i went to brunch sunday with robert and it was my idea, i emailed him about meeting up again because i was thinking i would take the opportunity to basically express to him his low heat index in my view… haha. brunch was fabulous, we went to farrago’s and had a splendid brunch and great conversation, half of it composed of me bitching (again) about esau horrid behavior earlier in the week. and it was in general just a very enjoyable time that i think the idea of saying “i think we should just be friends” would have completely ruined it. so like a wuss, i did it later that day via email. i tried to phrase it as diplomatically as possible saying i did have a very good time, that i just didn’t feel a romantic connection, but i was sincere about extending an offer of friendship… which was all true. its just that the fact that i have no balls is also true. oh well… i have yet to receive a reply to that email but its only been a one day. sometimes i wonder though, if maybe, in light of the paucity of dates i am having, maybe we should just “string some out”… haha… nah… ultimately i do believe its better to be single than dating a person you aren’t really all that into it for real. i just wish that more people would be cool with being just friends even after being told… “ i think we should just be friends”… or is it the people who say it… that should be more serious about what they say?
.
so haha… i haven’t really talked much about dinners or movies yet have i? well, the reason i titled this entry as such was basically because over the weekend, i watched three movies, one on every weekend night. friday my folks came into town and i had dinner with them and then watched “transformers” with them. it was actually an entertaining movie despite it being a little difficult to suspend the disbelief factor when 5 story tall robots were battling each other, causing it to rain shrapnel and buildings, and nobody seemed to be getting killed or injured. and even building themselves also seemed particular resilient to these heaps of sentient metal climbing and jumping on them.
.
my second movie of the weekend was harry potter with hector. hector had emailed me earlier in the week asking me if i wanted to go. i accepted knowing full well that esau was probably going to be there as well… so i was thoroughly surprised when he wasn’t. unfortunately he did show up for dinner after the movie. the movie itself was just ok in my opinion…. i think i chalk my less than enthusiastic appraisal of it to my not having really followed any of the books… it just felt the movie was attempting to squeeze in everything and a lot of small sub plots, introduced, were not re-solved and that all the characters except harry, were making but cameo appearances. i dunno… anyways, back to the real world and meeting my new arch nemesis… esua. haha. well, let’s just say dinner wasn’t itself particularly uncomfortable… me and esau basically just took turns talking to hector more or less. i actually think hector enjoyed the attention. haha! but me and esau basically made like only two comments to each other and when hector was away in the restroom, we didn’t say anything to each other.
.
i have come to the conclusion as of now, that i basically need time away from esau… maybe just to “cool down” from what i felt was a rude attack on me… or just to sub-consciously process the question of if i want to continue being esau’s friend… and if so, to what degree. i just know that right now, i don’t feel particularly comfortable with him and if i hung out with him and another similar occurrence happened… it might just permanently damage what salvageable friendship we have now. i have always considered esau a “good” friend… but sometimes, there comes a threshold where i think actions (especially repeated) speak louder than words... or concepts… or supposed “loyalties”. anyways… he called me next day and asked me “how long this was going to go on”… i simply said, i need time apart, and i will get back to him. simply short and sweet. i don’t feel the need to argue… to “talk it out”… i simply want to be alone… something that accomplishes the dual purpose of allowing me time to “decompress” but also in another way, maybe shows esau that when he tramples over people… they can choose to not take it anymore… and just leave… possibly making him rethink the way he does things… maybe. it will be interesting i think… figuring how to fill up my time w/o esau and his escapades.
.
well, there’s always low “heat-index” dates… haha. or actually no there isn’t. if robert never calls me back… i prob have only two more dates with adam before i give him “the” email… haha. there is one other guy who could be the best potential so far… and in a funny way, the best way i can describe him is basically as a younger ron… he’s 28 i think, and tall (6’3”), white, and very east texas. haha… we’ve exchanged a few phone calls but connecting via phone only has proven to be a challenge… so i dunno how meeting in person will work out. if something happens, you know where i’ll report it.
.
anyways, the last movie i saw over the weekend was late sunday night with mei. i met up with her and we went to go see a movie called “license to wed” which was pretty low-key, humorous… but nothing particularly noteworthy. i think i’ve seen enough movies…. at least till next weekend.
.
Odds and Ends
hey guys, so this post is going to be all over the place. i just wanted to mention some of the various highlights of the past few weeks before they disappear into oblivion. so... lest i digress... here we go.
.
a few weekends ago, i went to not only my first pride parade in houston, but in all truth and honesty, my first pride parade at all. and it was in general a fun evening i have to say. now, the houston pride celebration's hallmark is that its a night parade, due to the fact that when it all started, people realized real quick that a day parade in houston's june heat... well, somewhat of a drag to gay mirth. anyways, after doing odds and ends at home for most of the morning and afternoon that saturday, i finally met up with esau and hector to go see the parade. we were planning on going to the "festival" before hand but the weather wasn't really cooperating... and we just hoped that the rain would let up for the actual parade... which it did. you see... God loves his little gay children too... ha.
.
the time before the parade actually started was a little annoying... crowds, and nothing really to look at. but once the floats started rolling by, and mardi gras "beads" were being thrown everywhere.... well, it was really fun. i guess it was my little taste of mardi gras as well, another urban festival i have yet to partake in. haha, i did get a little excited i have to admit trying to catch all the beads being thrown in my direction.... after an hour or so, i had gotten a nice little collection. bead collecting was i have to say really the only part of the parade that was fun... the float themselves were really nothing to note... except for the "asians and friends" "float".... a group of older bearish white men... and one asian... all dressed in these huge white boxes resembling chinese take out boxes... with little "coolie" hats. haha... thank god everyone was in a good mood... otherwise.... this little spectacle i have to say bordered on being somewhat racist... for the imagery, but also for the fact that there were mostly only "Friends"... and hardly any "Asians". Haha... gay culture and race relations as usual. what can you do? :)
.
after the parade ended, our little party went asian as well... for a late meal that is. we went to "hollywood"... the vietnamese/chinese staple in montrose. the meal was typical except for our encounter with "star"... another example of the species fagus hagenisis tour de force. she came up to our table, slid into the booth ever so nicely and began chatting us up. eventually we found out that she was the fag hag of the uncle of the 16 (yes, i said 16) year old gay boy that was eating with her and that said “child” thought esau was the hottest thing... so “star”, came up and chatted us up to see if esau would want to say hello and take a picture or what not. ha.... this would have been fine, except star also felt the need to justify her "straightness" by enlightening us with her previous forays into beaver munching. ok... yeah... so last season o?. strangely enough, esau played along... and when “star” asked for our number so that she could "hang" with us later... esau told hector to give his. in a classic move, hector whips out his cell phone, looks at it briefly, and then gives "his" number. later we find out hector did a quick one, two and gave esau’s number to “star”. haha.... classic. i love it. i would not have been so quick i have to admit.
.
we finally got rid of “star” and the 16 year old youth… but i am glad he was coming out and enjoying his first pride... because the way he looked and carried himself... he really didn't have a choice to "not" come out in my opinion... haha. yeah. so after hollywood we traveled to "south beach"... the houston one and the only "typical" gay dance club. south beach honestly was a lot of fun. we met up with andy and kahl ... a british couple we've been getting to know, who are really cool in my book. andy likes to dance so he and esau and i went to south beach and boogied the night away... while kahl and hector being alcoholics went to JRS and a few other bar joints. all in all, the evening was great fun... music rocked at south beach, and i have to admit.. the rihanna song... i'll be your umbrella... was rocking! haha. even got hit up once or twice dancing around, and like the fool i am, ran the other way. good times good times! before you know it, it was 4 am, and for us old 28 year olds, time to go home. it was a great pride!
.
a little after pride, we got to get to know the "brits" a little more when they invited us for a nice little dinner at their memorial area townhome... which was very "nice". i saw it once before and it indeed was a "sale-able" house.... lots of beige and classy "european" furniture. yeah... i would add a little color... but that's me and "my" taste. anyways.... andy is classic british but his boyfriend is british indian... interesting couple. andy is the breadwinner and kahl is "studying" and otherwise the house-husband. andy is the bottom, kahl is the top.... god... what a delicious couple! haha. anyways... kahl was making an "indian" dinner... which was fabulous. dinner was great and company and conversation equally entertaining. however, for some strange reason, i was somehow being painted more and more as the "biggest bottom slut" as dinner progressed. now... there is some truth to that.... but come on... i'm NOT THAT BAD! haha. all in good fun though.
.
there was an interesting piece of drama too that sort of simmered that evening as well. this drama was between esau and a certain guy named molte... who although i've known him for a few months now, i don't think i have ever mentioned him. anyways, the 411 is that he's a german foreign worker employed by siemens i think, anyways, he lives at esau's apartment and for a few months was totally pining after esau. esau in his classic fashion of being an attention whore just "kept him on the line" so to speak. poor molte... honestly. i think eventually molte gave up and was satisfied with just "friend" status. anyways... molte at the time of the dinner was just about wrapping up his houston experience, his company moving him now to north carolina. a few nights before the brits dinner, we were all invited to another party and later on decided to go see a movie. in some strange exchange of words, molte was originally suppose to come but then had a fall-out (again) with esau (esau if i haven't mentioned can be VERY difficult... as he was this night that i am writing this, i'll talk about this later). anyways... molte basically left it in the sense of saying that he was tired of this shit from esau... which this evening i completely understand. molte didn't come with to the movies obviously.
.
fast forward to the dinner, molte was also invited... and although not very perceptible (because all the attention was apparently orientated at me)... molte and esau said NOTHING to each other. oooh.... gay drama. anyways... molte's last week in houston, i was finally able to actually hang out with him a bit more and, even though i have to say i've always liked him in an "acquaintance" kind of way... i was saddened somewhat that he was leaving and we wouldn't be able to be "real" friends. oh well.
.
just a little comment though about my friend esau. he's my "oldest" friend here in houston... but he is an amazingly trying friend... at times. i know he is a "good" guy inside... but his sense of inadequacy and insecurity have a way of transforming into the snidest manifestation of queeniness and petulance. its really unfortunate... and most of the time, i feel like i am very relaxed about these outbursts, because i know he has been "there" for me and i know he has the capability of really being nice. but this evening, i apparently couldn't deal with it. a little digression...
.
so i invited the "guy" to share an apple pie that i had baked last night and to watch a movie at my house... low key, just fun get-together. the evening started allright until i served the pie. esau apparently made it known that "i knew" he didn't like chocolate and questioned why i added chocolate to the pie. i know i have a faulty memory sometimes and if i was suppose to know he didn't eat chocolate, i apologize for the fact and offered him some alternatives. in typical esau fashion he accepted everything half heartedly and in my opinion, was just being a rude ass about the whole thing... in my house. and then we started watching a film.... and after an hour of "trying it out" i say that this really isn't my type of film, try to excuse myself graciously, suggesting the other two (hector was there as well) just continue watching it and i'll go and keep myself occupied. esau INSISTS that i watch it and pauses it while i try to keep busy with cleaning up. he was in full force... and honestly... i had a long day... i didn't need this shit. i told him he was pissing me off, that i didn't appreciate his snide attitude about the pie and that i did not purposely make a pie "i knew" he wouldn't like... despite his belief that I KNEW he didn't like chocolate... and that i was not going to sit through a movie i didn't like... JUST BECAUSE HE SAID SO. i find it simply insulting that his belief that “i knew” he didn’t like chocolate was basically insinuating that i made on purpose a pie he would not enjoy… he simply accused me of being petty and mean… which i am far far from when i am making a pie, spending time and energy, hoping my friends will like and at least somewhat appreciate it…. and to think he’s constantly accusing others of being non-appreciative of what he does.
.
you know... i really do consider myself a patient man. i will let attention whoring people have a little say in having the world revolve around them... because i know thats how they need to perceive it that way in order to be the "best" they can be. but i am NOBODY'S doormat! after saying that they were welcome to continue watching the video but it was not my liking and i had better things to do, esau got up and left. and honestly... thank god he left... because that film was HORRENDOUS! you see the core of it is... esau needs to control the people around him and feel like he is the center of everyone's social relations and that it would not exist at all without him. be that true or not, that is no excuse to make me feel like crap because i somehow insulted him in some way. Esau’s greatest modus operandi is the guilt trip, because he is of course above all that pettiness.
.
bullshit.
.
so anyways... that was this evening... but going back to what i was describing before, the brits dinner was thoroughly enjoyable. a week or so later, i felt the need to repay the favor and invited the same crew (plus some "friends" who were visiting esau) to a pre-fireworks July 4th dinner at my house. a little last minute, and originally suppose to be "low-key"... but come on who am i kidding? i woke up that day and the first thing i did was look up a new napkin folding technique and setting up the "dining room" table for a party of eight. haha. classic alex. later that evening i whipped up haute cuisine sloppy joes (the spicy blackberry ribs shredded and served on buns), a roasted spice pork shoulder, corn on the cob, mash potatoes ala esau, plus these meat pockets that he also brought. i also whipped up an interesting stewed tomato, okra, and roasted red peppar compote with orzo for andy... who is a vegetarian. dinner in general was great, although doing "plating" service...a first for my parties... was a little crazy... just getting use to it that's all. mei was there actually so she was a great help. at first, i have to be honest i was a little trepidatious with her being with the "boys"... she was the only girl and she was also the only "straight" person there... but you know what... she was great! i think she was amused by all our gay mirth and had a good evening overall.
.
another moment of "hmmm"... just happened. so my cousin JUST called me... or actually writing this journal made me want to call her and ask her about the apple pie i dropped off at her place this afternoon. she said it was ok but was a little surprised by the cinnamon in it. oh well... THEN she asked me if i was "like" my friends... or... aka... are you gay? haha. oh my! an interesting conversation ensued but overall it was good. in the end, i basically just said that yeah i was... most of my friends were gay, we have a good time as friends, and the only reason she doesn't know or i didn't tell her was because my parents made the explicit statement to not tell her... years ago. but she's completely cool with it and made the typical "straight" remark... are you a "man" or "woman"? haha! yeah... she's a straight girl oh my! the conversation ended with her saying that she wants to go clubbing with us next time we go to south beach... and she likes my friends... and sometimes her friends are a little boring, so if nothing else, at least she could spice up her own social life. you know.... these are the moments when i have to thank esau.... he said, i think you under-estimate your cousin. and yeah... he's right. i'm pleasantly surprised by what just happened.
.
ANYWAYS... so my little july 4th party was absolutely fabulous. dinner was itself fairly brisk but very much enjoyable. esau brought a friend of his from NYC, robert... who was one of the biggest flamers i've met... but in a completely non-queeny way. he was lovely. and an alcoholic with the red wine... but all good. after plating dessert with quick glaze i made with mixing grape jelly with water (it worked great!) and some flared strawberries, we had a little more convo. then everyone car-pooled to downtown and we watched a great show on the bayou park. after the show, we came back, and chatted some more, had more drinks, just had a good time. six fun gay men and a straight girl... guess mei wasn't as oblivious as i may have thought about how gay the evening was. it was good 4th! too bad it was in the middle of the work week and i had to go to work the next day.
.
and i had a date the next day. i went out with the guy i went out with a week and a half ago...and was suppose to do date number 2 if i hadn't thrown my back out. this was date two... and just as i feared... i think he's a great guy but there just not really any "chemistry". i mean, he started letting his gaurd down a little and acting out some of his quirks... which were cute... annoying... but cute and real. but still... no real va va voom... so to speak. i'm afraid i'm gonna have to suggest we just be "friends". oh well. .
finally, the last thing i want to mention if how i finally checked off one of those "crazy" things i wanna do before i turned 30 kind of things... skydiving. i originally got the idea that that was how i wanted to celebrate my 28th... three months of waiting for esau's rare weekend off days... and we went on 7-07-07. how lucky huh? mei also came with us as well... another one of my concerns before because i had suggested to both mei and esau to come with but was thinking i might have to do it separately... i do under-estimate her. i was pretty psyched... and the excitement made the two hour wait somewhat bearable. and i really wasn't nervous at all... when we finally were getting ready... i didn't feel any hesitation getting suited up, getting on the plane, watching the ground disappear above the clouds. the final moment of like.. "what the fuck" was watching esau and his tandem guy jump out and IMMEDIATELY disappear into a tiny fleck, and my tandem guy edging me to the edge of the plane but facing the propellers... OH MY GOD! just the vertigo was crazy and the immediate rush of the air throwing into your face free falling... absolutely crazy! all i remember was the constant force of air being slammed into my face...making it difficult to breath... impossible to scream because air was being slammed into your mouth... and why would i scream anyways? my ears were completely depressurized or whatever and i was deaf. somehow i came to my senses and realized if this feeling was gonna be the whole way down i better calm down before i start hyper-ventilating. so i calmed down and somewhat enjoyed the fact i was free-falling to my death... haha.
.
then the guy on my back tapped my arm telling to check the altimeter as i was approaching 6000 feet and then to pull the cord for the parachute...whoosh. and then it was cool as we glided down to the ground, doing little swoops here and there and just looking at the crazy vista of being 1000s of feet in the air. it was absolutely exhilerating! absolutely.
.
i purchased my second jump right after... it was a great deal anyways... as opposed to the ridiculous $200 i popped for a minute or two of crazy fun. haha! good times good times.
.
i like to see my life through signs... jumping out of an airplane made me see the world in a different way... having my cousin ask me about my sexuality made me see her in a different way... and unfortunately, standing up for myself and refusing to be forced to feel like i so wronged someone, made me see a "good" friend in a different way. life is a series of these quick moments that flash before your eyes isn't it?
.
Baby Got Back...
... got back into dating that is.
.
so yeah, after what...now 3 and a half months or so?... i just went on my first real date with a new guy since breaking up with ron. haha, guess i have to admit i am itching to get back into the game. not necessarily for anything serious as i psuedo had with ron, but at least for the simple thrill of the game, that is... the game of dating. anyways, so i met this guy sort of randomly on an online chat and we sort of just flirted back and forth and then he finally suggested if we should get coffee or dinner. to be coy, i asked him if he was actually asking me out. he didn't really respond directly to that, but we scheduled dinner last tuesday.
.
to be honest, i can't say i was super excited about it, as we had talked a few times on the phone before our date and well, to be honest, i wasn't all that impressed. but maybe for a silly reason. so the thing is... would you date a man that had a distinctly gay, in the sense of feminine, telephone voice? i mean, not that i am mr. butch or anything, but i think i don't get mistaken (that often) to be a woman. haha. oh well... i guess you can't have everything.
.
he was nice though on the phone, attentive, conversant... ok. maybe i wasn't in the right mood to blab but i usually cut our phone conversations short in a polite way of course. i just figured, what's the point if you haven't really seen the person in the flesh yet. in some ways, these sort of "vitual" dating avenues, like online or whatever, i think personally just as long as you have established, as best you can that is, that this person is who he portrays himself to be at least online... well... then that's all you really need to know. i mean... how "well" can you really get to know someone, even by first date standards, from a "profile" or even a "picture"? so anyways, i was looking forward to my little date, probably more for the fact i hadn't been on a real one in a while... but also to see this guy for himself too... he did seem nice.
.
and the date went well i have to say. and he was nice. we had a lot of conversation and there seem to be a lot of connection.... of the platonic sense though... at least from my perspective. i dunno, its hard to tell sometimes... what "you're" looking for... but with this guy i could tell i liked him definitely as a "friend"... but i was a little unsure about "chemistry". that is one thing i experienced and in some ways "learned" from ron i have to say... this sense of "chemistry". it's either there or not, even after the first meeting i have to say. the thing about this guy was that, even though i did think he was cute, articulate, socialble, etc... he didn't really seem hmmm... "passionate". now, i guess i could take the easy route and just say... well, maybe he wasn't into me, but i think it's just that he was trying so hard not to come off as a sex-crazed scumbag... that he sort of forgot to flirt.... he sort of forgot that this was... a date... not a business meeting or a college interview haha. i dunno, there just didn't seem to be any za-za-zoom, ala carrie bradshaw. oh well... it was a nice evening nonetheless... free meal... we shook hands (that a sign there)... and we said we planned to get together for a movie. this was a sincere sentiment though... i think i would like to hang out with him again... and if he is cool with being "friends" that would be great.
.
now, then again... i don't think i want to throw this into the "friend" bin... just yet. i'll give him another chance to sweep me off my feet. :)
.
baby got back.... back troubles that is.
.
ok, was that weak? haha. so yeah, the day after my date, i was moving some stuff in my garage and snap!, i felt a sharp pain in my mid back! oh fuck! this with my leg that's still bothering me... great! but it wasn't that bad that evening... yet. the real pain didn't start until lunch or so the next day when out of nowhere it was just like... OH MY FUCKING GOD... I FEEL LIKE I AM GIVING BIRTH IN MY BACK. Haha!
.
i somehow survive till i get off work but that evening, it was like.... oh my god, what is this in my back??!! and to make it more comical... i was excited that evening to make dinner for my cousin, making again the baked ribs with blackberry glaze that i sort of botched in ptown (this time it turned out REALLY good!) and some fried okra (i've lately gotten into an okra kick). i made dinner but the baby coming out of my back was sort of distracting to say the least.
.
my cousin enjoyed the meal and we watched a dvd together. later that evening when i was trying to get to bed, i realized that the pain was getting to be ridiculous and somehow thought it might be something like a kidney stone (because the onset of pain was sort of disconnected from the actual cause... which i later learned is pretty normal). i called my parents and told them i was in pain. it worked though... they went through their magic directory of alternative medicine and the next day i had an appointment for one of their accupuncture friends.
.
the next morning i had called in to work to miss half a day of work so i could go to this accupuncture appointment. when i woke up i had the feeling that it would be more than just half a day though. and yes.... oh my god... the pain. even getting out of bed sent waves of rapturous pain.... it was like a wave action boa constrictor against my ribs..... ah! and to think i actually drove half way across time to get to this appointment!
.
when i finally got there it was sort of funny how the only thing you can do when you are trying to be civil and polite but still in great pain...is to sort of just giggle. haha. so i giggled through my problems to the doctor. he identified my lifting the previous night as the most likely culprit and not kidney stones, as i had feared (the medical symptoms on webMD ran to the note of "the worst pain your ever had"... well this was somewhat true in my case!) he susequently began his accupunture treatment, sticking needles into my hands, which strangely enough alleviated some of the pain.... whoa. then i got on the "massage table" face down, and he began inserting the needles into my back. ok, i consider myself somewhat "ok" with pain.... when the needles were going into my right side...OMG.... PAIN! and i yelped...i really did. it was embarassing, but i couldn't help it!
.
long story made short, after the accupuncture i didn't really feel much better, so i went home, and my cousin came over after she got off work and she watched over me that evening and the next day. it was really nice of her actually i have to say. my parents loaded me up with tons of alternative medicines and i was forced onto a "lite" diet for the weekend...despite the fact that i had made this wonderful dish of baked ribs with spicy blackberry glaze. Argg! But you know, friday was the worst day i have to day, saturday i woke up with a small amount of pain, and as the day wore on, it pretty much disappeared. by saturday evening i was just back to normal, watching movies and cooking fabulous meals.
.
this was a memorable weekend. but one i'd rather not go "back" to.
.
