8.14.2007

Giving IHOP a Run for Its Money

my latest thing has been baking pies. i think it might help me find a husband. haha.
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posted by faux chink @ 11:59 PM 1 comments

8.05.2007

Perfectly Un-perfect


so i met a man this past weekend that made me, at the very least, have hope that there were still men out there that could set my heart ablaze. the beauty of the situation though, is what i have termed.... "perfectly un-perfect". basically this means, to me, any type of situation that is absolutely perfect except with a fatal flaw that pretty much determines a failure. this man i met... and spent to be honest a random, and at a drop of the hat no less, four or five hours with, most of the time sleeping... was indeed... such a perfect man. but his un-perfect-ness resides in the fact that that i really don't see much of a potential future with him... and also honestly... this fleeting moment quality of the experience would suffer if i KNEW for sure i would see him again. call me a lame romantic ... but its like those trans-atlantic flights where you meet the man of your dreams ... and in a flash of an instant, he's gone. but its beautiful nonetheless.
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so how did this happen? well... i actually first kind of knew of his existence i think either a year or two ago over the summers from school. he was actually only in houston for business one weekend, and we exchanged info online but nothing became of it and i never heard from him again till now. well, i met him again thursday night while i was just surfing around manhunt to past the time (yes... i know... is it not sad that i have also found not only one, but two, boyfriends from manhunt??!! haha) and for some reason his profile caught my eye. i had this strong feeling i knew him already and it was indeed confirmed when he told me his name and where he was from and that he was in town for business again. well... i was pretty much going to bed already that night but just coyly i told him if he wanted to hang out friday night (he was leaving saturday noon), to ring me up. so i gave him my phone number.
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i'll admit i sort of didn't make any plans for friday hoping that he'd ring... and also i wanted one quiet night as i had plans the rest of the weekend... but still, i was hoping a little. well friday night went and was still quiet into saturday morning and in a bout of insomnia i was just online again and well... it was LATE.... 4 AM... and lo and behold who pops up. i emailed him, really in jest and said that he was coming in late, did he have some "fun"? he said he went out with his co-workers and just got in... but what intrigued me was when he said, pretty directly... "come over" to my hotel room. haha... i thought he was joking and told him if i came over... i'd just sleep. he said, that's fine... the air conditioning was wack in his room so a warm body would be nice. so in a last minute decision, i went.
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i know this sounds like my quest for love has hit an all time low, making a love drama out of such a clearly "hook-up-ish" thing that occured in a hotel at 4 AM... but hey... i tend to see things differently from most people.
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the thing about this man was that he was one of those rare guys who i tend to meet maybe once or twice a year who amaze me in the sense of how much i am "immediately" attracted to them... on all levels... physical, mental, intellectual, personality, etc, etc. ron was like such a man, and even to this day, what i remember most about him, was how much i felt "chemistry" with him. this 29 yo businessman from san francisco who grew up in... guess... Nashville, TN!... was also such a man! he was absolutely adorable.... cute in a way that makes you turn twice but in not so amazing a way that its uncomfortable to look at. he has dark hair and green eyes, the manageable 5'11", in good shape, not overtly worked out but not no beer belly. he had stubble, moderate body hair, strong arms... and lets not forget.... a very nice you know what... haha. i love my "boy next door" and he fit the bill to a T. and that smile of his, dorky, but genuine... love it. and of course let's not forget what i could glean of his non-physical attributes... he was smart, articulate, affable, laid back, funny, witty, kind, gentle, sexy... etc. etc.
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how can i gather this from the two hours of consciousness we shared, the majority of it being "intimate" and therefore not really speaking much of any real substance? the answer is that i can't. he may be the biggest prick... he might have been drunk and that was just in a particularly friendly mood... he might have just considered me another hotel fuck on his many business trips. yes, yes, yes. but... well... even in light of all those possibilities... i hope not partly because of them really... the man got underneath my skin. and he was a man i felt good sleep with after .... spooning. maybe that's where all this comes from... i miss it. my life of late has become a sad typical gay man's life when it come to sex... not hard to find a guy to "sleep" with.... very hard to find a guy to sleep with.
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in general, i haven't felt that for someone in a while. there will be momentary attraction, hot and heavy, there will be momentary intrigue, intellectual and stimulating, there will be momentary feelings of, this is such a nice guy! but soon the realization that this will just be platonic. but every once in a while... i'll meet a man who indeed hits a chord in me, rocks my world when it happens, but like a piano string.... resonates for a bit of time, its sound an echo that reverberates in the caverns of my imagination. such was mr. perfectly un-perfect.
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he is a man that i get the feeling i'll run into again ... despite his imperfections.
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posted by faux chink @ 7:40 PM 0 comments

My Peeps

its always nice when you realize that you've indeed made some real friends in a new town. ok, now i know houston's not really "new" per se to me... but i've only been REALLY living here about a year... so it is pretty new. anyways, what made me realize this was the other night when i decided, pretty much out of the blue to have another "get-together" at my house with my friends. i guess this old house of mine needed to see some other people, after that whole applie pie fiasco. oh speaking about that, esau and i are really doing just dandy right now. i mean, the way i see it now, is that are relationship is like that volcano krakotoa... most of the time its just a beautiful tropical island... but once in a while it gets ugly... but the thing is... if it didn't happen, the whole world would probably just explode from all the tension. so, as good of a way as it can be... i think esau and i's relationship just needs to boil over once in a while or two. not to justify anything that caused it of course... but well... i've realized we have to be "flexible" with our friends... not being a doormat or not expressing our dissent to their views... but flexible in the idea that everyone is a amalgam of different characteristics... and well, we still have to take them as a "whole".
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so anyways, i felt like sharing my latest culinary infatuation.... quiches. so i baked up basically a "meat-lovers" quiche and a vegetarian option and i also made a beautiful cake, that i think sammy might even proud of... evnthough the cake bread was box cake.... but the "recipe" was my creation.. in the sense i took the butter pecan cake and decided to add banans to it, and layer it with banana puree and jam with sugared walnuts. FABULOUS!
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it was just a lazy tuesday night and the guys started coming over. dinner went off without a hitch and even esau complimented the cake. he to be honest, has been VERY nice lately. i think his own sources reaffirmed that whatever the situation he took... his reaction to the apple pie was indeed.... rude. so i think eventhough he can't say i'm sorry... he's trying to make amends of some sort. so... after dinner and dessert esau brought this fun game over called catch-phrase... so the seven of us... esau brought his friend andy, a gregarious when drunk big black man (not the andy of the british couple.. who is a white twink waif haha) and i also brought favio.... the guy i had a date with a few weeks ago that didn't get me laid, bought the guy was nice and so i invited him over. it was a VERY fun night... and i hate to say it... but in a very adult mature way. i mean of course, we talked shit and were gross and explicit.... but hey we're gay men. the thing i am pointing to, is that it wasn't like college where people just got drunk and dumb. everything was very fun and laid back and not out of control.
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i was talking to hector though that for "southern decadence" or something... i would like to re-visit one of those experiences of getting completely piss drunk with lots of other piss-drunk people... haha. things to do (again) before 30! haha.
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so yes, the game was very fun. it basically entailed teams of people trying to guess a word that the machine spouted out by the explication of the person who got that word...except you couldn't use the word. it was very fun to play the game with two british people and a guy who had just started speaking english two years ago. later in the game, being gay men of course, we decided to get a little creative and made up our own words... mostly all sexually indicative... stuff like "felching" or "double dicking" ... come on you know what that is!. haha... it very very haha funny.
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anyways, long story made short... it was a great time with friends. and it was a nice feeling to feel like there were a group of people that shared their lives together. i know sometimes i can come off as being so independent or aloof as to not REALLY care about friends... but i dunno, i've always have had a nugget of insecurity when it came to friends so i think the aloofness was a self-defense mechanism. but a few things over the past few weeks have shown that i have made an effect on the people around me and that they do think of me in many situations. even esau, as hard-ass as he is... hector was saying that i should take it as a good thing, that he was so dramatic about the situation to begin with... meaning he cared enough to make a big deal about it. i'll take that.
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i was upgrading the photo frame that encased the picture of us from andy and kahl's dinner party almost a month ago and as i looked at the same photo with a nice frame around it, centered on my entry console's top... it occured to me that these were... in general... pretty good guys. everyone with their own quirks and things of course... and there is and always will be a bit of back talking and stabbing maybe haha.... but isn't that just human nature. none of us are saints... and to be honest... i wouldn't want a saint as a friend..... BORING. haha.
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posted by faux chink @ 7:19 PM 0 comments

8.02.2007

Only the Best Bottoms Make it to the Top


so every once in a while, i like to revisit the topic that it seems every gay man feels like he “should” wrestle with. am i a “top” or a “bottom”? my canned answer has usually been … why even bother, that is such a “straight, heterosexist” framing of the question. but of course, this is just an attempt to nullify the question in hopes that “questioning even the question” would bring some more supposedly useful discussion on human nature… usually though it doesn’t, or hasn’t in a while. it seems as we get older as gay men, our roles, and even our belief in the black and white dichotomy of those roles become even more solidified and hard-wired and we perceived them as even more “natural”, that is being a “top” OR a “bottom”… despite the apparent prevalence of this supposed power called “versatility”. of course, i think the reason that “versatility” seems attractive is because its non-commital … and gay men having an inherent phobia of commitment, its understandable that everyone would “want” to be “considered versatile”… even though they’d been fucked just once, hated it, and professed never to do it again (and therefore they can technically say they are versatile… or at the least, a permutation going by the name “versatile top”)… and vice versa for those who have topped only once. just a side thought, i wonder if this follows the same debate on “bisexuality” (i put it in quotation marks because everyone knows bisexuality doesn’t exist as its just the stop before Gaytown)
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i mean, being in houston for about a year, and getting to know a handful of gay friends in the process, friends that i might add seem all to ready to “talk about sex” (just in general of course… i don’t feel the need to go into detail about my friends’ real sex lives).. i get the impression that there are a lot more zealous “tops” around me than i would have first expected. in my handful of friends and acquaintances, i would venture to say that at least three out of four of them are professed tops… in the fashion that i just expressed before… oh i tried bottoming once, but i hated it, so i’m never doing it again (unless its with my husband or something like that). now this is strange, as common gay culture suggests that the distribution of tops and bottoms should be the opposite… that is, its rare to find a real top, whereas bottoms are a dime a dozen. so i wonder where is this disjuncture coming from? is it just geographical, this “image” of texas boys being all macho and therefore… tops? or is it really in the end… just “image” in general? bottoms are “this” way, “tops” are that way so if i wanna be a certain way, i need to be a top or bottom? or is it something less self-forced than that, which i like to believe is my situation, that “preference” is really more dictated by just experience instead of “pure” preference as in… if i had a top and a bottom before me, equally attractive and desirable… which one would i go for? instead, it’s the simple fact that i’ve bottomed more than i’ve topped… so which one would i experientially be more aware, maybe comfortable, in? so its not preference at all… simply experience. then the question is, when does repeated experience become a recognizable pattern and then habit and then preference?
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this 3 to 4 distribution is also curious from the opposite end, that is the receiving end, haha, as it seems also that the remaining one out of four friends i have who are “professed” bottoms, now some how share a secret “brotherhood of the minority” with me… because of course, somehow i’ve been placed on the bottom side of that equation. my one friend, andy… who IS the bottom in a couple, makes comments like… i’m so glad someone here understands me… and gives me looks of knowing when speaking about the mysteries of bottoming … which i have to say, “tops” seem completely… completely … loss on. i mean… do you REALLY think my shit factory just naturally stops in anticipation of you entering me?? to be blunt…
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i’ve always been the type that HATES other people defining me before i feel like i’ve defined myself. ultimately i think i hate it because people, in their need for efficiently categorizing other people, use dichotomies like tops and bottoms to assume things about people and to pass fast judgments and therefore not have to really get to know the person. there’s a good personal example of this happening a few weeks ago, when during a dinner party, in jest and “shooting the shit”… the general group conversation was beginning to paint me as the biggest bottom in houston… the other four tops in the room all wide eyed and curious…. as if they had NO IDEA what bottoming was about… and dear andy nodding and re-affirming my impressions of bottoming. it was all funny and everything and i’m not at all taking it in a seriously negative in any way… but it made me wonder… why is it so much easier to understand people as either TOP OR BOTTOM… or why is it so hard for people to accept varying degrees of VERSATILITY… as just that… versatility?
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of late, this question has re-surfaced again poignantly because the last two guys i have had a little “fun” with, were supposed “tops” but when everything was said and done… they were the ones ending up on their backs. now granted, the first guy was very straight-forward about being versatile and open to “whatever” but when things were going down .. it did strike me as odd about how quickly he wanted to get fucked. i mean, 30 seconds of rubbing his ass and he was face down in the pillow guiding the shuttle bay into the landing dock, so to speak. he also returned the favor afterwards, further giving me hope that there actually is something called versatility out there… but still… let’s just say it was a less common experience for me to be so automatically the TOP. enjoyable nonetheless but in the fashion of, say a new ice cream flavor that has to grow on you… but has the potential to be a favorite flavor… once you “learn” to appreciate it… kind of like coffee? now with the second guy, it was my first experience in maybe hmmm… years? (oh wait, there was that one guy a few months ago who ended up wanting to get fucked even though we didn’t plan it) of actually REALLY being the TOP. and what was funny was this guy was calling himself a top as well, but as he said it…. “a nice dick is a nice dick”. having sex with this guy was a lot of fun, and i have to admit, that while it was going on… i had a somewhat surprising revelation that… i really enjoyed topping (him i guess).
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i mean for a long while, i had basically decided that instead of pushing this ideal-ness of versatility i should simply submit to the “popular” notion of being a top or bottom… and then just negotiate each individual occurrence on its own basis… that is.. in general i bottom, but once in a while i top… which is the truth… therefore i am a versatile bottom… haha. however, maybe its just the summer heat making me dizzy… but what if… i decided to simply start from the other end… and tell myself… and others… that i am a top that sometimes bottoms… to be a turncoat and see things from the other side for a while. to actually consciously choose sexual partners that are bottoms and who expect to be fucked. if nothing else, i figure… practice makes perfect… and to be a “better” top one theoretically needs to top more… right? i have to admit it is my secret, or not so secret, goal to be absolutely versatile. i think its all the porn i watch where those talented versatile seem to be able to both fuck and be fucked at the turn of a dime and of course… the true test of versatility… the “daisy chain”…. or the “meat in a sandwich.” haha. maybe one day. so that is my current modus operandi of late…. to.. however self-forced and artificial… to “act” as if i were a top… solely for the goals of scientific investigation of course… i don’t mind really what side i might eventually pan out on… if i have to that is. as i respect both bottoms and tops and think each has its own talents and just because one is getting fucked, is one in ANY way losing “power” of sorts… and vice versa.
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i think that’s what the beauty of versatility is. you end up appreciating both sides of this story… and this egalitarian view has always appealed to me. and like the title of this post says… ONLY the BEST bottoms, make it to the TOP.
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and vice versa.
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posted by faux chink @ 5:51 PM 1 comments